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Monday, June 25, 2012

When Vaginas Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Vaginas!

 

Even if this was not a law, which it is, I'm afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be. Besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved. These dances and this kind of music can be destructive, and, Ren, I'm afraid you're going to find most of the people in our community are gonna agree with me on this.
                                                               - Reverend Moore, 1984

 

You can't say that word in Michigan.

Well, not in Lansing anyway.

And certainly not in the statehouse.

By now, of course, you all know to which word and to what incident I’m referring.

During a recent debate on abortion rights in Michigan’s House of Representatives (can you still call it a debate if one side isn’t allowed to talk?), Democrat Lisa Brown was barred from speaking on the House floor for the remainder of the current legislative session, because she said:

Mr. Speaker, I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my [offensive word that shall not be spoken aloud because it makes Jesus soggy and hard to light], but no means no!

The word, an immoral and vulgar term for a certain portion of the (excuse me) disgusting female anatomy (shudder), is offensive to conservatives as was Representative Brown’s implication that the law in question is considered by many women to be the equivalent of forcible violation (If you’re keeping score, this is yet another point certain Christians and certain Muslims have in common. One wonders when they’ll start taking long warm showers together, but I digress). The word is so offensive, in point of fact, that it shall not be spoken aloud in front of, not children or His Holiness or those prone to the vapors I do declare, but rather politicians (Which, tangentially, reminds me of a conversation I had with my son the other day regarding which dog treats to buy. The question being “How can an animal that licks its own butt and eats cat turds with such gusto be so picky when it comes to dog treats?” But I digress. Twice in one paragraph). Yes, the word is that offensive.  Use of the appalling label on the Michigan House floor by a woman embarrassed actual lawmakers (you know, men) and violated Michigan’s rules regarding decorum of the legislature. 

One conservative lawmaker was so overcome and offended he could barely speak about the incident, "I don't even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company!"

Wouldn’t even want to say it in front of women.

Couldn’t bring himself to say it in mixed company.

My God! Somebody tell that uppity harlot to shut her filthy mouth!

I understand that Michigan’s Legislature will be requiring females wear burkas during the next session.  The good news is that women will still be allowed to serve in the state government – so long as they’re accompanied by a male relative at all times.  No word yet on whether or not they’ll be allowed to drive themselves to the capitol building.

The offensive word?

That word is vagina.

Yes, I said it.

Vagina.

What?

Well of course I can say it without blushing ­­- even in mixed company. Heck, I probably know at least a dozen or two (or three) creative synonyms for that particular word. And given the proper tools, I’m pretty sure I could make an anatomically accurate sketch and tell a couple of crude yet funny stories on the subject too.  But hey that’s me.  I was in the Navy, I’ve had professional training.

In Michigan, you can safely say uterus and fetus and embryo on the House floor. You might be allowed to say “breasts” – if you’re ordering chicken.  You can utter the words heck and horse puckey and gosh darn it. You can, of course, call a gay man a fag, you can call the Muslims in Dearborn towel-heads, you can say the folks in Detroit are all welfare dependent [insert the quaint Michigan racial slur of your choice here].You can refer to Michiganders who don’t vote the conservative ticket as traitors and communists and baby killers and you can say the leader of the free world is a Nazi and Kenyan and a socialist.

And it goes without saying that you can always call somebody a dick – like, for instance, the Speaker of the Michigan State House, Republican Floor Leader Jim Stamas.

You can even get away with occasionally referring to the former democratic governor as a liberal cunt, as long as you do it under your breath and don’t smile – so they know you’re a patriot.

But don’t say the v-word (Which is really odd if you think about it, because where else is it more appropriate to use the word vagina but in a room full of douche-bags? But yet again, I digress).

This incident happened a week ago and I let it go by here on Stonekettle Station without so much as a snarky remark.  Others seemed to have it covered.

So, why bring it up now?

Well, because it’s spreading (Don’t. Don’t go there).

Lawmakers across the nation continue to make laws regulating human body parts and activities that they are too embarrassed and offended by to speak out loud. 

For example, Utah legislators just tried to pass a law that would have prohibited any discussion of contraception or homosexuality in high school sex education classes – because Utah Republicans are apparently under the impression that if a teacher mentions rubbers and gay people, students will suddenly chose teh gaysecks (It’s like 1984, if you don’t have the language for double plus ungoodness, you can’t be gay. Pass the Victory Gin, Winston). Not only would instructors have been prevented from discussing safe-sex practices, but they would have been prevented from even answering questions from students – because really, that’s what you want, right? Teachers shouldn’t be allowed to answer questions. Students shouldn’t get their education from a source of information trained in such things and not embarrassed to discuss it frankly if necessary.  No they should get it from parents and politicians who can’t even say the words out loud. Better yet, they can get it from old wives tales and euphemisms and Bristol Palin.

In other words, they’ll end up getting their sex education from other kids – and the internet, of course.

Oh yeah, let’s do that. Good idea. 

Because really, how bad could that be, right?

Utah’s law was vetoed by the governor, but meanwhile in Tennessee the banjo playing state government recently enacted a pro-abstinence sex education law billed as “the strictest in the nation.”

The Tennessee law forbids educators from “promoting gateway sexual activity.” 

Gateway sexual activity.

What the hell is gateway sexual activity?

Beats me (Don’t. Don’t go there), but surely since Tennessee felt strongly enough about it to put it into law, they must have defined the concept in the bill. Right?

Right. Here’s the funny part, conservative lawmakers and their vocal supporters, including those “experts” called in to give information in support of the bill, were so squeamish and embarrassed during floor debates that they were unable to discuss what exactly “gateway sexual activity” was

So it was left undefined.

That’s right, lawmakers made a law about something that they were too embarrassed to talk about.

Ah that thing? You know. That some people do? Where they, uh, do that thing, that sometimes makes, uh, uh, well, you know, uh well, like uh when a man puts his, uh, into the, ah, well, when mommies and daddies love each other very much and uh, the birds and the bees and the stork and some cabbage leaves? We need a law about that.  Because otherwise teachers might be putting the wrong ideas into our children’s, uh can I say “into” and “child” in the same sentence or do you have to be Catholic? And that’s where babies come from!  Also important safety tip: sex is really horrible and only a total whore who hates Jesus and is going to hell would enjoy it. Any questions? OK, write that down and we’ll have the Governor sign it.

Gateway sexual activity? 

What exactly are we talking about here? (or not talking about, as the case may be). 

No seriously, what are we talking about? Gateway sexual activity? What the hell is that? Dancing? Dating? Kissing?  Passing notes? Wearing makeup? And why am I hearing that goddamned theme song from Footloose? What’s next? The 2012 sex-ed equivalent of Reefer Madness?   That’s right, kids, sex is dangerous! One smooch outside of marriage, that’s how it always starts, it seems harmless but that’s how those filthy sex peddlers get you hooked! Then they cut you off, boy! Cut you off and then comes the insanity! Yes, insanity. Mark my words, fellows, one day you’ll find yourself fencing your grandmother’s bible for Mexican Viagra and a box of glow in the dark rubbers. Next thing you know you’ll be condemned to giving Satan blowjobs in Hell for all eternity! (can I say Satanic blowjobs, or do you have to be Catholic? What? I’m just asking is all, I don’t want to offend anybody).  One kiss, boys, one kiss and blam! You’re hooked, it’s like crack… ok, that’s a bad example but I think I’ve made my point here.

The basic idea being that Tennessean kids are so damned dumb and easily corrupted that if you show them a picture of a gay guy, they’ll turn gay. If you show them a condom and explain how it works, well, they’ll start screwing like bunnies and next thing you know, satanic blowjobs.

No really and you don’t have to go far to find Tennesseans who think so:

Touching a girl at that age IS SEXUAL ACT-SEE YA STILL DON'T GET IT YA CAN'T EVEN TELL WHEN SOMETHING IS ---SEXUAL-TEEN MENTALITY!.

Yes. Even touching a girl is a sexual act. What was it that Oscar Wilde said? Oh yes, “Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? Because that might lead to dancing.” Wilde was likely paraphrasing the old Scots Highlander joke, Why don’t Protestants believe in shaggin’? ‘Cause it might lead to dancin’ but he might have been on to something.  I love how in the quote above, the commenter had to insert a pause before saying “SEXUAL”  and I swear I’m never going to get that goddamned Kenny Loggins song out of my head.

What if a nice gay couple wants to walk down the street holding each other's ding dongs?

Well, yeah, that’s exactly what happens if you let allow sex-ed to teach about contraception, next thing you know gay couples are roaming the streets holding onto each other’s woo woos. That’s a totally true fact, you can look it up on the Michigan State House website, because, really, who knows more about dick clutching than those guys?  (That’s also what happens when you don’t let people say vagina, supposedly normal adults end up using words like “ding dong” in actual conversation).

Tell them what they need to know about hormones, body changes, stds. Make sure they understand how pregnancy happens so boys don't get tricked into shot-gun weddings and so they don't think using saranwrap works

Really? People use Saran Wrap? Come to think of it, that might explain why I see so many high school kids in the cooking aisle at the grocery store on prom night – and why the chick with all the body piercings was picking out a roll of heavy duty Reynold’s Wrap. Boy, you think tinfoil gives you a shock when you bite down on it with fillings. Honestly through, how about a sex-ed class that is primarily orientated towards keeping boys from having to go through a shotgun wedding? I bet you’d learn a few new words for vagina in that curriculum.  But I digress.

The Tennessee law is so vague when it comes to the definition of “gateway sexual activity” that critics dubbed it the “No holding hands act” because under the law you could conceivably say that any school that allows handholding between the sexes is enabling teenage sexual activity.

It’ll be a bit while educators and law enforcement figure out the ramifications, but I think certain implications are obvious:

Cops will have to start checking MP3 players for illegal copies of The Beatles I wanna hold your hand.

Anybody caught teaching their dog to “shake” will need to be investigated for bestiality.

Crossing your arms could lead to arrest for public masturbation.

Shaking hands during a business deal where money is involved could be considered a form of prostitution.

And I don’t even want to think about an adult holding a child’s hand…

Silly?

Well of course it’s silly.

Almost as silly as barring a lawmaker from speaking because she used the inoffensive and medically correct term for the female sex organ, or almost as silly as passing a bill you’re too embarrassed to debate or passing into law a term you just can’t bring yourself to define.

But it’s not nearly as fucking silly as what the Republican party has allowed itself to become.

 

Funny thing, Republican politicians, judges, and educators weren’t always so adverse to saying the naughty words out loud.

There was a time when they were absolutely enthusiastic about it.

Remember?

I do.

“The President inserted a cigar into Ms Lewinsky's vagina, then put the cigar in his mouth and said: "It tastes good”
              – Official report to Congress
                 impeachment trial of President William Jefferson Clinton 
                 Kenneth Starr, Republican independent counsel, 1998

79 comments:

  1. You still owe me panty liners for when I read your blog. The Bristol comment was the one that let loose...

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    Replies
    1. Stonekettle Station is not responsible for incontinence. We will, however, be happy to offer you these commemorative adult diapers in a variety of cheerful colors.

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    2. Cut it out, you two! Coughed until I nearly choked, from laughing so hard.

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  2. I cannot stop the tears from rolling down my face, I'm laughing so hard (Oooo, can I say hard?)

    Unfortunately, this is a comedy of errors.

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  3. Next thing you know, the underwear ads in the Sunday paper for JC Penny and Target will be classified as gateway porn.

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    Replies
    1. Weel, they used to be, in Sears and other mail-order catalogues....

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  4. Actually, Jim, that would be "referring to the former CANADIAN BORN democratic governor as a liberal cunt". The Republicans in this state are all about the adjectives.

    Dr. Phil

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  5. I love you, man.

    (Wait - is that going there?)

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  6. I can only assume that the men in these legislatures talk so much about sex - because they aren't getting any. Why should the youth of the nation be allowed something the old farts can't enjoy. The longer they keep talking - the less they are going to get - at least from women - perhaps they are simply in love with each other - who the hell would know.

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    1. To go along with "these legislatures talk so much about sex-because they aren't getting any"...

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ww9ZSP6iAA

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  7. Oh no...

    This means...

    When I proposed to my Tennesee-dwelling girlfriend last week, I committed a heinous public sex act when I inserted (sorry) her finger through the hole (sorry) in the ring. That's gotta be some kind of felony indecent exposure or something.

    *Awaits the SEXSWAT Team to break down the door, weeping to Jesus in shame. Or does that count as a tearjob?*

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  8. Okay, I confess. I went there. Every time. Oh yeah. I did. But I thank you and my vagina, I mean my HooHaw thanks you.

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  9. So if the police try to arrest someone for 'Gateway Sexual Activity' they can't put 'em in cuffs, 'cause *that* could be well past the 'Gateway' in 'Gateway Sexual Activity'...amirite?

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    Replies
    1. Only if the cuffs are pink or furry or otherwise not regulation.

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    2. The police will need to read you your Miranda Warning and give you the safe word.

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  10. Amazing, as always! I'm just curious which member of previous generations of Michigan legislators had the foresight to insert into their rules of conduct that certain words in the dictionary could not be said in open discussion on the floor of that chamber. Is the freedom of speech section of the US Constitution not applicable in Michigan? IDIOTS!!! End of rant. I'll go put on my burqa now.

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  11. And yet here in Tennessee we have one of the highest high school drop-out rates in the country and teen pregnancy as well. They're doing a great job wouldn't you say?

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    1. Not just Tennessee- teen pregnancy is highest across the whole Bible Belt. A map shows this very well:
      http://www.statehealthfacts.org/comparemaptable.jsp?ind=37&cat=2

      Abstinence-only does not increase abstinence (a.k.a. reduce sex), it just delays it by less than 6 months. Then, when the teens start having sex, they don't know how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy.

      http://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/04/10/461402/teen-pregnancy-sex-education/?mobile=nc
      http://www.thestdproject.com/curable-std-rates/

      Teen pregnancy without access to abortion, of course, leads to higher rates of dropping out of school and higher poverty, also seen across this region. This policy is the stupid trifecta.

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  12. A good little soldier for Stamas knocked on my door last week and tried to hand me literature. I took one look at the name on it, and said, "No thank you. After the stunt he pulled last week?" The guy looked at me with pained expression on his face and backed away. Stamas lives in my town, along with Dave Camp and Michigan AG Bill Schuette, who has spent his time in office running RMoney's MI campaign , and shutting down every marijuana distributor in the state after we voted on and approved medical marijuana in 2008. See, in MI, it doesn't matter what the citizens want. It only matters what King Rick and his GOP soldiers think we want. And obviously, it isn't more revenue or jobs, as they have cut both of those as well as insulting every woman in this once great state.
    By the way, check out the Republican Convention website. When you cick on a header, you get a picture of a smiling Republican. You have your black male, your white woman, a Hispanic woman, and more white women. You know, all the people who are NOT voting for them this fall.

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  13. did you hear about the other female legislator who got banned for saying 'vasectomy'? she suggested that the same draconian provisions applied to women wanting abortions be applied to men wanting a vasectomy. here in poor old michigan, the scum wrecking our state seem to fear v-words in general. makes me want to put the self-introduction from 'v for vendetta' on continuous loop. oh, and VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!

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    1. In honor of this esteemed blogpost you should really change your screen name to "clam", in solidarity with the content, ya know, just sayin ;-)

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    2. Bet you they don't have trouble with the other V word, though: Viagra. Heck, Bob Dole was paid to say it - on national television yet.

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  14. And we laughed at the absurdity of the futuristic "utopia" of Demolition Man. Bet this craziness is how that could be possible. Better start picking out my place in the sewer colony and get a hankering for ratburgers now.

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  15. How far from Michigan (especially the Jenison/Grandville axis) must we get for the stigma of being raised there go away? And secondly, does spending a long career in the Navy help erase the stain? This Alaskan, former Michigander needs to know. At my advanced age I'm in a bit of a hurry to lose my heritage, and erase the stain.

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    1. I've been in Ohio since 1971; I'm still proud of my birthplace and ashamed of the morons in charge. (WOLVERINES!)
      As for your other question, it depends on the stain. The one on the blue dress? The one your still left on the deck? Was this from a hunting accident? Details, please.
      So, the anatomically correct word is out. Oh yeah, not going there. At least I can say clitoris, they won't know what that is.
      Good blogging, Jim.

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    2. I feel ya, I used to be from Kansas.

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    3. Somewhere there is a state (Maine) where the state legislators/politicians aren't flaming idiots, and never embarass their constituencies.

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  16. Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!

    (As I've noted on prior occasions, I'm not fit for polite company.)

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    1. "Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Vagina'."

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  17. Okay, am I the only one who's going to object to the disparaging reference to banjos? They always get a bad rap. It's not their fault! Geez...

    I know proud Vagina Americans (myself included) who own one.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, why insult banjos by tarring them with the brush of stupid Politicians. Remember, the smartest one in Deliverance was the banjo player;-)

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  18. sex is really horrible and only a total whore who hates Jesus and is going to hell would enjoy it

    I purchased my E-ticket for all the rides in hell, and I'm not giving it up. Not that I hate Jesus; the guy's been dead an awfully long time, and I have nothing against him personally. I just wish those who totally missed his message but invoke his name all the time would stop trying to tell people what they should do with their reproductive organs.

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    1. I am right there with you on that one.

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    2. As am I!
      I don't think any of *my* co-religionists care what you do with reproductive organs, as long as you're not spreading disease or molesting/raping someone.

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  19. Classic. Logical. Clearly stated.

    If only those that need to see this most would read and comprehend. However, since that's not bloody likely, let's do our jobs as citizens and vote out all legislators who are idiotic enough to attempt to legislate things they don't understand and can't properly debate.

    Having people in office who are so easily distracted from the important issues by the sex lives of others is a really bad idea. I wish they'd go get a healthy sex life of their own instead of attempting to ruin mine.

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    1. If you yourself can't say it out loud, you can't legislate about it--how's that for an overall rule.

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  20. 16 months ago in Florida exact same thing happened, except the word the legislator uttered was- (cover your ears children) uterus. Google Florida legislature and uterus.

    What i want to know is, how do these idiots reproduce?

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    1. In the dark, with their eyes closed

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    2. By fission, like all bacteria.

      Thank you RAH

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    3. How do they deal with the pre-natal visits, when these words will be used? I know they must not have had sex-ed!

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  21. Thanks again Jim for a clear and succinct rant. I just disagree with a couple of points.
    Well, because it’s spreading (Don’t. Don’t go there). I WAS thinking INSANITY.
    Beats me (Don’t. Don’t go there). I was just thinking of a beating about the head and neck area of this fool, Republican Floor Leader Jim Stamas.
    "Satanic Blowjob" was the name of my first band.
    Gateway sexual activity? Where does the line form?
    NO still means NO.
    Anyway, we begin life sliding out of the VAGINA to be born....Then most of us men spend the rest of our lives trying to get back IN.

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    1. "we begin life sliding out of the VAGINA to be born"

      That description makes it sound like slipping down the amusement park water slide while yelling, "Wheeee!".

      I've never given birth but from what I've been told it's more akin to pushing a watermelon through a straw. Quite a different mental picture!

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  22. I'm heading to MI in a few weeks, taking the kid down to visit the Grandparents. I always cringe when driving around town. Last time it was all the Tea Bag Rallies...

    So if I wanted to discuss my vagina and the political ramifications of its use - who knew that thing was so dangerous? - I have to use the words that my husband's 97 year old Grandmother would use when talking to her grandchildren - Honey how's your hoo ha?

    I'm imagining something along the lines of: Mr. Representative, my cooter finds your ruling objectionable..... Mr. Speaker, I'd like a clarification on exactly what oversight you think my pink taco needs.

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  23. Hi Jim,
    I really enjoyed your post! I am going to recommend it to my friends. Thanks!

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  24. Hi Jim,
    I really enjoyed your post! I am going to recommend it to my friends. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Being female, and raised by a Doctor, I allways thought that vagina WAS the proper name for the aformentioned part. Unfortunatly logic isn't even waving at most of the assinine bloviating that passes for political expression in this country. Thank you Jim for making me laugh, I am afriad it is either laugh, cry, or lock and load.

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    1. No, in Michigan it is apparently "icky, squishy lady-parts."

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  26. As a proud owner of a hoo-ha, kitten, beaver, box, vajayjay, yoni, pussy (which I consider more vulgar than the V-word)... I'm trying to figure out why all these Viagra riddled old dudes that are appalled by even saying vagina; are *so* interested in it. First thing that comes to mind for me is "What about the separation of church and state?" If they're so worried about what happens with my nether regions and what I do with them - why do they get all upset when someone says that they shouldn't be allowed to have Viagra, a vasectomy? Same difference if you ask me.

    I'm also trying to figure out if I'm going to be arrested for mass filicide and my doc of mass murder because I had a medically needed hysterectomy!

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  27. I think I'm going to legally change my last name to vagina and then no one can stop me from saying it.

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    Replies
    1. I am so glad that I wasn't drinking coffee (or anything else) when I read this.

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  28. Aretha, Celeste, Bovary, Mulva? Nope, Dolores! Remember that episode of Seinfeld where he couldn't remember his date's name but he knew it rhymed with a female body part?

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    1. That was hilarious. Still makes me laugh.

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  29. I don't know what's so wrong about people (gay or not) walking down the street holding each other's ding dongs. I mean, as long as their in their original packaging, they last forever. I mean, it's not like their holding each other's twinkies. Cause, you know, if you squeeze those things they can spurt all over and stain your clothes. Don't even mention how horrible it is when that stuff gets in your eyes.

    And since you didn't give a warning of not going there for this one, did you really mean to say that kids are kissing cracks. I mean, that's not even hygienic. You never know where that crack has been.

    what? what I'd say?

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    1. for some reason, I am expecting Emily Latella to be gently corrected, and to say, Well, that's all right. Never mind!

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  30. Whoops, forgot the whole, "What are we going to call the trial in Utah when a teacher is caught telling kids about rubbers" thing. I mean, we had the "Scopes Monkey Trial", will it be something like the "Triumph of the Tojans" or "Wilting Flowers Trial"? The movie made about the SMT was "Inherit the Whirlwind", will they call the new one "Inherit the Hummer"?

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  31. Re Saran Wrap: Never forget this one, was working at a local tv station on its answer to the Donahue show in 1976, and Phyllis Schlafly, at that time leader of the Stop ERA movement and still pushing the crazy after all these years, was shilling a book in which she suggested "when meeting your husband at the door after he worked, greet him wearing only Saran wrap." The host, the late Joel A Spivak, had the ability to bug out his eyes, and I'll never forget the look he gave her, as the producers all muttered something about finding her in Saran wrap at the door???! The image is still scary, back then when I was much younger, well, not an image I wanted to have. Joel, either.

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    1. Phyllis didn't write it, but she sure was shilling it.

      It was 'The Total Woman' by Maribel Morgan. Gaggggh.

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  32. I can think of few things more lovely than Phyllis wearing nothing but saran wrap, as long as there are at least 6 plies of it over her nose and mouth.

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  33. Q: "How do you give a woman an orgasm?"

    A: "Who cares?"

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..HA..Ha....ha....hem......Oh come ON people, that's the funniest joke EVER! Do I have to explain it to you?

    I guess not.

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  34. Brilliant and funny, as always.

    (In the paragraph beginning "In Michigan," I think you meant "epithet," not "epitaph.")

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  35. I'm intrigued by the idea of gateway sexual activity. Very intrigued.

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  36. Can I get my burkas in fun, bright colors, or do they all have to be that boring black? Vagina, vagina, vagina! I feel a new bumper sticker coming (Don't, don't go there.) on.

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  37. This is NOT a BIBLE sight. Certainly NOT a sight for children!!!! You shoudl have you MOUTH washed out with soap!

    P.S. I WILL report this!

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    1. Um, wouldn't it be having his hands washed with soap? He didn't "say" it.

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    2. ... About the only explanation I can imagine is that their "Bible stories for children" site's automated crawler didn't do much more than count the number of times the word "Jesus" or "God" appeared in your post...

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    3. Urk. I just got a creepy image of a KJV laying on the nightstand watching (BYBLZ GOTZ EYEZ!!) you-a kind of "Portrait of Dorian Grey" creepy. Or Mitch McConnell. Same diff.

      knittingbull

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    4. Wow Jim. THAT's gonna leave a mark.

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  38. On one site, there was a coment asking the MI Legislature to stop her from abusing her clitoris...ahem.

    I had managed to avoid finding out just what happened with that cigar, and you've spoiled it. No wonder he said he didn't have sex...maybe not.

    You write:
    That’s right, lawmakers made a law about something that they were too embarrassed to talk about.

    There ought to be a FEDERAL law stating that you must be able to use the words or terms before you can legislate about it.

    Then you say/quote (given the indent):
    What if a nice gay couple wants to walk down the street holding each other's ding dongs?

    I have yet to see this happening at SF Pride or even the (SF) Folsom Street Fair. Nor have I ever seen lesbians holding each other's breasts or pudenda.

    As to cruising the grocery aisles on prom night, can they be arrested for buying Coca Cola as a post-coital em, refresher?

    When I was acting as a patient advocate when a friend with a possible dx of cervical cancer was getting a biopsy scrape, she said she didn't want me seeing her koochie. I rolled my eyes--but I have no such modesty these days as a Crone. One day when she came by, after the hysterectomy (yup, cervical cancer), I picked up a Middle Eastern piece of jewelry worn by some dancers, saying THIS is a kuchi. Between your legs, NOT a kuchi.

    One day a few years later, in a piercing parlor, waiting at the counter, I overheard a teen saying she couldn't imagine getting her "hoohah" pierced. Time to roll the eyes again. What, no cunt, twat, pussy? Youth today!

    As always, love your sarcastic rejoinding takes on idiots.

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    1. she said 'pudenda' ...! Gotta be a jurisdiction (that has 'dick' in it) where that will be illegal soon....

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  39. Living here in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, hometown of the sponsor of the bill to outlaw "Gateway Sexual Activity" in the Volunteer State, I'm often amazed we don't receive more negative attention than we already do for some of the backass-ward things our legislature does in Nashville.

    They've sponsored bills to make it illegal for teachers to discuss any sexual orientation other than hetero (The "Don't Say Gay" bill) and opposed Sharia law, the building of a local mosque, etc. But they've taken the time to make it legal for people to take home roadkill they've hit with their cars, because who doesn't like a good possum soup?

    We're so proud...

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    1. LOL, I have to laugh, because I work for a county museum and we were thrilled when the local Fish & Wildlife folks offered us Roadkill... Of course, that was so they could be stuffed and put on display in the museum, but still... Possum Stew's good eatin';-)

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    2. See? Hence the crack about banjos.

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  40. Jim, you and your readers have my undying gratitude for phrases such as
    "whatthefuckery", "frothy hate mail", "laugh, cry or lock and load" and "Vagina Americans". These phrases make my eyes water with suppressed laughter throughout the day. I think I will stop suppressing and start laughing out loud for no (apparent) reason.

    It is good to know I am not alone on the planet with the wild-eyed tribal monkeys.

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  41. I'm a Michigander and yes, lived through this event this past summer. I've just discovered your blog and it's giving me a kick. Thanks!

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