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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Well, That Certainly Explains The Hate Mail

 

 

The previous post regarding outlaw vaginas has generated the expected hate mail.

Big surprise there.

As I’ve mentioned in the Hate Mail From Jesus post (which if you haven’t read it, you really should because it may save you wasted motion in the future), sending me hate mail is generally a futile exercise.

Not that that actually prevents silly people from sending me angry letters. 

I typically don’t read this crap, mostly because I really don’t give a fig if you hate me or not. I was in the military for more than two decades and I’ve been writing about politics here on Stonekettle Station for going on five years now, I’ve been hated on by professionals.  Frankly, my hate mail is generally predictable and not particularly imaginative.  I think we can all safely assume that I’ve been fully informed by my manifold critics that if the Rapture ever does finally happen I’ll be left behind to boogie with the devil and the other sinners. Barring square-dancing with Satan, if the gibbering Jesus monkeys do manage to “take back ‘Merica for real ‘Mericans” before the End Times, I will no doubt be shot out of hand or shipped off to the gulag with the other undesirables in the first purge. 

I’m good with either of these scenarios and I don’t spend much time dwelling on it.

However, that said, some folks really feel the need to keep telling me about how offended their deity was by something I wrote (why their deity doesn’t do something about it himself has never been adequately explained. But I digress).  I do find a certain degree of amusement in this, and so I do upon occasion read a selected sample of my correspondence – especially if the hate seems out of the ordinary.

Today I started getting messages from the faithful accusing me of extra special deviltry.

Something about me tricking their kids into reading about OMG! Vaginas! or OMG! Homosexuals! instead of Jesus.

Huh?

I went back and checked yesterday’s post just in case I had accidently titled it “Hey Kids, Let’s Read About Jesus!”  It could happen. I’m getting old and according to one keen letter writer in the Hate Mail From Jesus post, war must have messed up my ”little atheist monkey brain” so, you know, better check. But nope, there it was big as life and in your face, VAGINA! In fact, I used the word twice in the title. I really couldn’t see how anybody could think that “When Vaginas Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Vaginas!” was a post about Jesus for kids.  I tried squinting my eyes to see if I could maybe make VAGINA look like JESUS (and you know people have seen him in stranger places. Also certain folks tend to shout out one when in the presence of the other) but not even a double shot of Bushmills could change water into wine if you get what I’m saying here.  Besides, if you’re letting your kids drink Irish whiskey, you probably aren’t the kind of parent who gives much of a shit if they surf the internet for vaginas.

Well, OK. So I checked the software that tracks who’s looking at what on my blog.

There were a lot of people looking at vaginas.

But wait, what’s this?

It seems I was getting traffic from a website called, wait for it, waaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiit for it, Stories of the Bible for Kids.

Stories of the bible for kids?

That’s when I began to giggle uncontrollably.

 

image

You can click on the image for a bigger and more readable version.

 

You know, I call Shenanigans. These people are all over my ass about use of the word vagina, but I’ve read the Bible – seems I remember something about a certain “valley of death” in the same sentence with finding comfort in your rod and staff

How come Jesus can make double entendres and I can’t?

Mote, beam, eye, folks. Just saying.

 

Hate mail, I get it.

Sometimes it’s hysterical.

57 comments:

  1. "People have seen him in stranger places" OMG I'll never read another "Jesus image seen in toast' story again without thinking of VaJay Jays and this S.K. post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thats one crazy beard you have there JC!!

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. I apologise - I have no idea why my phone posted that three times.

      JC

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    5. Why is Jesus never seen on flatbread or Kaiser rolls? Has he got a bias against ethnic breads? Come to think of it, he's never appeared on matzoh, either!

      knittingbull

      Delete
  2. You made me laugh like a crazy woman. Again.

    "I yell Vagina whenever I find Jesus" could well be the next big internet meme.

    I personally don't recall any Bible stories that used the word vagina, especially twice in the title. The Song of Solomon uses lots of entendres and euphemisms...perhaps the Christian kiddos were confused when looking for appropriate Bible stories about lust?

    ReplyDelete
  3. My day was already pretty damn good but this just put the awesomesauce and cherry (get it? I made a vagina reference!) on the top! Thanks, Jim!

    ReplyDelete
  4. That has got to be the most hilarious aggregator glitch ever. Either that or they pissed off their IT guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am voting for pissed off IT guy.

      Delete
    2. Or just IT guy with a sense of humor? That is possible. Even on a site like that. Isn't it?

      Delete
    3. Another vote for POed IT gal

      Delete
  5. "I yell Vagina whenever I find Jesus" now my Facebook status!
    I tend to see The Holy Mother Mary simulcra when I look closely, but not too close, at the lady bits, that's me, weird I know!

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    Replies
    1. I was going to post some instances, but I might start getting more hate mail than I do already.

      Delete
    2. My husband is more Old Testament, he yells "Oh, God!" when he finds VAGINA!!

      and yes, this will stay anonymous.

      Delete
    3. My husband is Old Testament-he yells "Oh, God!" when he finds Vagina!

      and yes, this is staying anonymous.

      Delete
  6. I know you get all kinds of women saying they love you, but really, I do. Really. Your wife would make a lot of money if she could clone you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's the Chronicles of Riddick quote? "Lady they don't know what to do with just one of me!"

      Delete
    2. Well, I know a whole lot of women that would know what to do with both a Riddick and a you! :D For you... more writing! VAGINA!

      Delete
    3. Yeah, the Riddick quote didn't make you any less clone-worthy. Just sayin'.

      Delete
  7. Somebody's been messin' with the aggregator.

    Oddly, the Twitter feed for the site has no tweets if you click the TWITTER link on the menu bar (@Bible4Kidz). Then the first "join the conversation" box at the top right is for a Twitter account Kingdom.com (isn't that cute?). There's also a "Join the conversation" box towards the bottom under the heading "Kidmin Twitter" that's a suspended account. Then there's all the missing images for their sponsors.

    And then there's the sponsors themselves. There's http://sundayschoolprimer.com/ which has the exact same design as the Stories of the Bible for Kids but with no content and a home page that says "Not Found. Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn't here."

    There's http://worship4christ.com/ which is a blog with a lot of tweets and re-tweets from the previously-mentioned http://www.kingdom.com, plus more tweets. That's it. Blog posts of tweets.

    Then there's http://churchministrycenter.com/, a Wordpress blog that hasn't been fully set up ("This is your Universal Sidebar. Edit this content that appears here in the widgets panel by adding or removing widgets in the Universal Sidebar area.")

    And http://kidsbelief.com/, which is http://sundayschoolprimer.com/ with a slightly different design and no "About Us" page.

    I suspect shenanigans. Or perhaps hooligans. Or possible even vegetarians.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vag-a-tarians?

      [ducks, runs]

      Delete
    2. I don't figure that the link will be up for very long.

      The bible already has enough bad examples, they don't need me.

      Delete
    3. Actually, THIS POST is showing up in their feed now!

      http://storiesofthebibleforkids.com/category/feeds/

      Delete
    4. "Not Found. Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn't here."

      This happens alot around Christians (tm). Unfortunately, they summarily ignore it.

      But then, you knew that.

      JC

      Delete
    5. No no, they mean vaginas. They can't find vaginas. Can't say the word in public, can't locate them, wouldn't know what to do if ever one was spotted. (Don't. Don't go there. Spotted dick is ok for an English culinary dish, but vaginas JUST AREN'T). And with all the men in the legislature no wonder they're looking for something that isn't there. Typical.

      Delete
  8. I'm just.....

    Why the HELL is "Bible Stories for Kids" putting Stonekettle into their aggregator?

    Do they a mole amongst their techies? :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm still snerking over "valley of death" and "rod and staff".
    Poor little bible kiddies...

    ReplyDelete
  10. That's awesome. That's easily on par with the forum/chat software that replaces 'bad' strings with 'good' ones. Clbuttic!

    ReplyDelete
  11. The gremlins at work again. They just can't leave things alone.

    Those poor kids...they probably hadn't ever heard the word vagina before...a tragedy of biblical proportions!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Replies
    1. "Christ on a bicycle" The last time I heard that I was friends with a preacher's kid at Syracuse U. in the late 50s. Used it frequently until my 2 year-old adopted it as his favorite saying.

      Jim, You are still my favorite blogger. How come Newsweek didn't include you in their top 10?

      Delete
  13. Okay... now I have to get out my mirror to see what I can see... just to make sure about the possibility of a sighting....

    ReplyDelete
  14. So, some sort of automated bible story assembler scans the intertubes for high levels of Judeo-Christian word associations, assumes through that activity that said site provides 'happy Nordic looking Jesus on a dinosaur' stories of the second coming. But then links to your cesspool of a liberal, free sex, Merican hating blog? Yeah, I can see that.

    Eventually the Jesus Police will show up and haul you off to the "Jesus Loves Me, Yes I Know Waterboarding, Juice and Cookies" reeducation camp. There you will be forced to drink the blood and the eat the body of Christ......Yuck! What they FUCK? I see where all these friggin teenage vampire movies got their genesis (so to speak).

    And these people want to rule MY life and country? I think they just need to get laid. That would resolve most of their problems.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, but they aren't allowed to do that unless they can say and read the word vagina without freaking the fuck out. I think this counts as a standoff.

      Delete
    2. I don't think that being ' vagina familiar ' is actually a pre-condition for what passes as passion to God botherers. As a former Marine and experienced in the ways of the Navy, I can assure you that there are many brain dead, speak'n in tongues, mouth breathing, Christian home school dropouts who enjoy conjugal relationships with many of God's creatures. Some that don't actually possess a vagina, but rather pistils or carpels.

      Delete
  15. It is said that when POTUS has a good sex life, the country runs smoother, and feweer foreign conflicts are entered into. I think Mr. Obama is probably doing just fine with FLOTUS.

    Allowing your kids to drink *Irish* whisky? Please. Islay singlemalts, the peatier the better. Oh. That's just me. Kid doesn't like the taste of any alcohol.

    A vaginal American,
    Marina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. saffronrose,
      your sign off made me spit my coffee out! love it! may I borrow?

      and Jim, please come boogie with me when the Rapture comes, because I am Jewish and therefore, a sinner, who will be left behind... even tho' Jesus was born a Jew. and while on the subject, who woulda thunk that a middle aged Jewish woman from Florida would be in love with a brilliant, crazy ass blogger from Alaska?

      Delete
    2. I think when Rapture happens those who totally expect to go under their own rocket-powered righteousness will be really perplexed and pissed off with Jesus for bringing along a lot of people who don't fit the bible belt explanation of sinners. And given history repeats itself those self-same Tea Party Christians will not only tell Jesus off, they'd declare him fake and try to shoot him down (probably quite literally). So it mat be up to us vaginal Americans (and Canadians) and gays and others who get Him to protect Jesus from those who say they are doing what he wants.

      Delete
    3. One of the best Christmas presents I ever got was when son #2 was old enough and had a job, he got me a bottle of 18 yr. old Caol Ila; my first taste of an Islay malt. That was wonderful. I can get Laphroiag pretty easily and like to keep some around, but would like to try some of the others sometime.

      Delete
  16. The link is still up at the aggregator site (page four when I checked) and Jim's latest blog has been added. I also notice another article explain "why I became an atheist, because of the bible" so maybe the cheap software only looks for the word "bible".

    ReplyDelete
  17. Maybe the fundies are confused... If God was really pissed, couldn't She just strike you down and delete your heretical posts?

    Maybe She wants more people to talk about Vay-Jays around the kids so they won't be so repressed and uptight when they grow up.

    Hang in there, man. Being hated by the Onward Christian Soldiers is a badge of honor, and trust me on this, you're in a huge club!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think we can all safely assume that I’ve been fully informed by my manifold critics that if the Rapture ever does finally happen I’ll be left behind to boogie with the devil and the other sinners.

    I have a play list ready for when this happens. It's gonna be a hell of a party.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The Aggregator reminds me a bit of a very long time ago when I had a Computer Service call to perform - at Guideposts in Carmel NY. Yeah - THAT Guideposts. I went in with some trepidation, being all young and not as well versed in supporting my particular position as I am now.

    Long story short - we were checking a printout of a HUGE list of (horrifying, in the mean) books this place produced, and the client says:

    "Can you believe people READ this shit?"

    I knew I was among friends.

    JC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A good friend of mine once worked for a distributor of books for Christian schools, churches, etc. They started off in texts like hymnals, lectionaries, textbooks, etc but veered into the more weird stuff too. He said that everyone that worked there, including the people who ran the place, constantly made fun of the people who bought the stuff, and sold it because it was profitable. You know, PT Barnum-like. I mean, if they're willing to be fleeced, then fleece 'em right?

      The sad part about all this is that these people are being taken advantage of by the very people they think are on their side, sort of Fox News-like where the winners are the Murdoch's and stock holders and certainly not the roobs who listen. Somehow in this country we've changed from trying to protect the less brain fortunate to outright picking their pockets. But this has now backfired into what the Republican Party has become. Controlling these people will fail, ultimately, and they'll have to take the punch bowl away and take the party back. But not before a lot of damage is done. Unfortunately, these people will never be smart enough to figure out they've been had both in politics and religion.

      Delete
  20. Well at least we figured out why all the fundies in the world are so worried about women...every one has a vagina. Shocking really, we must have been standing in the wrong line.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Cloning would take too long (replicator? maybe).

    How about setting up a dating site for like-minded single people stuck in outposts controlled by Jesus-lovin', God-fearin', Muslim-Socialist-Fascist-hatin' 'Mericans?

    Pretty please with a vagina on top?

    Veronica (stuck in Texas - but at least it's San Antonio)

    ReplyDelete
  22. The link is still on the Bible Stories site. If you look at the tag words, they include such gems as marines, green, and zombies. Zombies? I guess I have to go back and look at your blog again.
    As a Michigan vagina, I would like to thank you for your postings. The support is appreciated. We had a very nice time last week screaming the word vagina during the pauses between sections of Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues on the lawn of the capitol building. Now we have to turn up the pressure, the legislature is at summer camp but we can't let anyone forget how truly pissed off a lot of women (and men) are about this.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I don't understand why those rightwingers get such a twitch on when they hear someone say 'vagina'.

    After all, didn't their big Sky Daddy make vaginas in the first place? I assume that he's got a fully processed and notarized and all legal-like patent for it. Are they saying he might have made a - gasp! - mistake???

    Noooooo, say it ain't so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. For the record, I discovered your blog via a link from The Christian Left's Facebook page. That, unlike this "aggregator error", was intentional.

    The link was to the essay "Everybody's so Different, I Haven't Changed". Though the site IS based on following Christ, it is a a different view of Christ than the right-wing, "crazy church" fundies have. Lots of non-believers are on this site. I, personally, am not necessarily a believer in the user-friendly (or OT abusive dad) anthropomorphic deity, but I kinda like the Part II version, regardless if he's packaged in the pasty or swarthy complexion model.

    I am grateful for that link, and I have become a devoted reader since.

    ReplyDelete
  25. When they round you up, I would like to hang with you dude, as I am sure I as a life long Irish American Liberal Democrat would be on the list of those who Jesus hates!!! To be interned"""
    Keep hammering the clueless and oh yes vagina
    Perhaps we should all start using vagina as a salutation

    ReplyDelete
  26. Awesomesauce! *still chuckling*

    You've got a new reader, Jim, definitely. Not just for vaginas, of course (I've got my own and have no need for another), but for all that I've read here last night and this morning.

    *raises coffee cup*

    ReplyDelete

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