Last week the Obama campaign released their new campaign slogan:
That’s the new slogan, Forward.
The Obama campaign likes simple one-word slogans and given today’s sound bite mentality that’s very likely a good idea.
I probably wouldn’t have gone with Forward myself. In my mind it’s not really as inspiring as the campaign’s previous one word slogan, Hope. Plus, the word hope only has one syllable, forward has two and the campaign risks losing the undecided vote with such a lengthy message. If they were going to use a direction as a campaign slogan, for the majority of Americans it probably would have been better if they just grunted and pointed (of course pointing is fraught with risk too, you don’t want to get caught gesturing towards Canada, or worse Mexico. You know, on second thought, never mind).
So, anyway, Forward.
Moving toward the front, forward.
As in the direction that one is facing or traveling. Forward.
Into the future. Forward.
Seems harmless enough, right?
For those of you who didn’t watch the video (because, Dread Cthulhu, Man, it’s like seven minutes long!), it begins by summarizing the grim situation President Obama inherited from the previous administration when he took office three years ago. The video then lists the president’s numerous accomplishments, both foreign and domestic, and goes on to mention that Obama managed to accomplish all of that in spite of the deliberate and sustained obstructionism of media pundits, truthers, birthers, flat-earthers, bug-eaters, loons, goons, poltroons, and congressional Republicans (my personal favorite is that little smirk on Mitch McConnell’s sallow pasty face. If Obama does get reelected, I’m going to enjoy watching him eat those words).
The video concludes with the president’s ringing endorsement of the middle class and the American dream and of the United States itself.
“Hard work, determination, real results,” says the voiceover.
Hard work plus determination equals results, isn’t that what so many conservatives have been saying for the last three years?
OK, sure it comes out sounding like “Get a job, Hippies!” and “Screw you, I got mine,” but isn’t that exactly what republicans have been saying? Work hard and you’ll be rewarded, forward to the American dream, right? There are plenty of jobs, you just need to get off your dead lazy socialist ass and go get one. Work hard and maybe someday you too can make millions liquidating companies and sending jobs overseas.
The clear and obvious message behind the above video is that while the president feels we’ve come a long way during these last three years, there is still much more – economically, domestically, and in the foreign policy arena – to be done in the coming years. We'll need to work hard, stay the course, and eventually we’ll be back on top.
The video ends with one word: Forward.
Forward, isn’t that exactly the direction conservatives have been giving Obama for the last three years? Forward. Quit looking backward. Quit blaming Bush. Quit complaining about the mess left by previous administrations and Wall Street and the banks and business. We need to stop talking about the past and start moving forward to the future.
Forward, it doesn’t get anymore American than that, right?
Yeah, American all right, American communist.
Forward, my easily amused electronic friends, is actually a totally secret hidden code word for socialism, communism, Nazis, godless baby eating atheism, Illuminati, shiny shaven vajazzled harlots running rampant in the streets, Canadians, mass abortions, Muslims, poison arrows falling from the sky, Justin Beiber, sissy electric cars, Marxists, the Anti-Christ, militant vegetarianism, death panels, FEMA labor camps, the Metric System, lite beer, the Lifetime Channel, and the sparkly nacho-cheese flavored fabulously stylish rainbow-colored gay agenda.
It’s totally true.
No, really it is.
Forward = Commies.
Whoa, Jim, I hear you say at last in that cautiously placating voice you use when you think I’ve been mixing drain-cleaner and recreational narcotics again and you’re frantically trying to find the number for emergency mental health services while keeping me calm long enough for the guys with the stun guns and pepper spray to arrive. What’s that you say, Jim? Forward is a communist slogan? Sure. Whatever you say, Chief, just stay right there and don’t worry about those sirens.
OK, you’re skeptical.
Fine. Be that way. Go on then, don’t take my word for it.
Instead listen to Glenn Beck ferret out Obama’s secret totally hidden plan to use his Magic Negro-Ray and the secret armies of Communist Cannibal Death Nazis of Death to achieve absolute world domination (WARNING: you may actually feel yourself devolving into a more primitive life-form during the following video. Those who are already running a brain cell deficit are strongly cautioned to skip the video, otherwise you may end up as a bowl of pudding):
Did you make it through the video? (If you’re suffering brain spasms, watch this. The nausea and vomiting will pass eventually)
Sure, to the untrained eye, Beck sounds like gibberish, the kind of booger-eating Palinesque random word salad stream of consciousness generated by an unhinged under-medicated paranoid, of course it does. But remember, Glenn Beck is also the guy who discovered Nazis in Grandpa’s Medicare, Marxism in ancient Babylon, and secret communists at FEMA. Say what you like, Beck knows his way around a conspiracy theory (it’s also likely that he knows his way around a drain cleaner and narcotic highball, but I digress).
Besides, it’s not just Glenn Beck, folks. Fox Nation, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, why all sorts of totally reliable sources agree.
Want more proof?
Over on ZIMBIO, there’s a compelling piece titled: Obama Campaign Slogan "Forward" or "Vorwärts". Think Karl Marx. The author, a intellectual giant and obvious expert on all matters historical, explains how Obama’s slogan “Forward” is the same as “Vorwärts” which a is German for “Forward.”
What do you mean you don’t see it? Dude, look: Forward = Vorwärts.
No? Try harder.
Forward = Vorwärts = Forward = Vorwärts = Forward, shake, lather (emphasis on lather), repeat.
Still nothing, eh? Here, drink some of this drain cleaner.
Look, English has a word for Forward. German has a word for Forward. Coincidence? Not likely. English = German and German = Nazis and if English equals German and German equals Nazis then America equals Nazis, Q.E.D. That’s math, folks. Math don’t lie, that’s in the Bible and you can look it up.
Get it now?
The only good logic is the circular kind, folks. Take another slug of that drain cleaner and pass the bottle around, tastes like tea doesn’t it? Mmmm, good.
Now if those filthy socialist umlauts weren’t condemnation enough, Vorwärts is also the name of a song sung by the Hitler Youth back in old communist Nazi Germany.
That’s right, Hitler Youth.
Oh, now the light comes on, does it? Hitler’s Nazi fascists and Karl Marx’s communists were Best Friends ForEVAH. That’s right. Everybody knows that, everybody whose history textbooks were printed in Texas anyway.
It’s pretty hard to argue with that kind of logic, isn’t it?
You bet it is.
You drink enough drain cleaner and you start to see things in a whole new light.
Forward? Why it’s like Obama is just rubbing your face in it, isn’t it? Who did he praise in that video? Teachers? Firemen? Police? Autoworkers? College students, women, construction workers? The middle class. Communists one and all! Who did he condemn? That’s right, banks, Wall Street, Oil Companies! Real Americans. Obama hates capitalism!
Ended the war?
You know who else ended a war in Afghanistan and tried to kill Osama bin Ladin? I’ll tell you, the Soviets!
Except those Russian commies failed, Obama actually did it. Sweet Nacho-Flavored Jesus, Obama is a better communist than the Soviet Union!
Wait, hold on, what’s this?
Holy Hell! Forward is the motto of Wisconsin! Wisconsin is communist! We’ve been eating Marxist cheese! Is that a Russian Bear under the Nazi Forward banner? I think it is (What? It’s a badger not a bear you say? Yeah and what animal did the USSR name their atomic bombers after?) God’s hairy belly button, look at that damned picture, hammer, arm, plow, two gay guys, it’s like you can feel yourself being indoctrinated into the Nazi Communist Party of Socialist Fascism!
I know what you’re thinking: Boy oh boy, I wish I’d taken the blue pill.
Forward. Dread Cthulhu, I had no idea how far the rabbit hole went.
No idea at all.
Who’s this guy?
Lebron James? Famous American basketball player, one of the best in the world. What position does he play? Oh, yes, that’s right, Forward. Good Grief, look at that guy, no wonder Conservatives are scared. Put a bag of Skittles in his hand and Lebron would be the spitting image of Lenin!
Hey, how about this socialist?
Winston Churchill a dirty Marxist? Say it ain’t so!
“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” – Walt Disney
Walt Disney, folks. Secret communist.
“The choice before the American people this year is of overwhelming importance: whether to hand the government back to the liberals or move forward with the conservative agenda.” — Ronald Reagan, 1986.
Et tu, Ronnie? Et tu?
Forewarned is forearmed.
Oh but it’s so much worse than that. So much worse. Want to know the name of the preeminent Jewish daily news site? Forward. Yes, that’s right, the Jews own Forward.com. Can you believe it? The Jews are Nazis!
Wait, wouldn’t that make supporting Israel the same as supporting communism?
For the answer to that question and many more you didn’t know you wanted to ask, tune into Glenn Beck.
Remember to keep looking backward, folks.
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Couple of things:
- First, Afterword, I hope you see what I did there.
- You know, if anybody else other than the usual conservative pundits went on national media and in complete candor said this kind of bizarre stupid silly conspiracy nut nonsense, they would get locked up in the boobyhatch and pumped full of happy juice. Glenn Beck’s mental illness is almost funny – in a sad, kicking the spaz sort of way – until you suddenly realize that it’s contagious. Especially for people with compromised immune systems. Education seems to be an antibody, but too many of these twits are the educational equivalent of anti-vaxxers. Glenn Beck is the Typhoid Mary of politics.
- The part I don’t get is how Beck, Limbaugh, Fox News, and the rest of these drooling booger-eating yoyos figure that Obama is so nefarious, so clever, so tenacious, so single minded and dedicated to his cause, that he plotted from before he was born to take over the world, kill Jesus, and turn America into tasty nacho-flavored Communism, and he did it so well that he actually managed to get himself elected. But then he what? Couldn’t resist putting a Nazi slogan on his bumper stickers, because, why again?
- For a political party and an ideology composed in significant fraction by people who like to refer to themselves as “The Greatest Generation” (and really, no arrogance there. No no, you’re awesome. We totally suck. Not your fault though) and who like to go on ad nauseum about how they single handedly won World War II and the Cold War, how they personally cornholed Hitler and kicked the Soviet Union’s ass and made the world free for democracy – they sure don’t seem to understand that the terms “Nazi” and “Communist” are not interchangeable (Of course, that would require that the Greatest Generation admit that they allied with the communists to fight the fascists, funny how they leave that out of the history books nowadays, but I digress). Honestly, I simply cannot fathom how anybody, let alone this particular group, can’t seem to get it through their pointy heads that fascism is one end of the political spectrum and communism is the other. They may both suck, but they suck in totally different ways. To me, nothing says your argument is invalid quicker than using “Marxist,” “Fascist,” “Communist,” and “Nazi” interchangeably. It ought to be legal to slap the Ben Franklin Powdered Wig right off their silly heads.
- Don’t get me wrong, and don’t get too smug. Liberals have their fair share of gibbering loons too. The extremists on both sides keep talking about taking their country back or words to that affect, I think it’s about time for Americans, reasonable intelligent moderate Americans on both sides of the aisle to step up, speak up, and start marginalizing these goofs. The people who nominated Romney have a lot more in common with the people who nominated Obama than they do with the vocal nutjobs in their own party, extremists like Glenn Beck and his horde of drain-cleaner swilling followers. The reverse is also true.