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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Wanted: Sidekick, Must Be Able To Take A Punch

So, it's come down to Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney?

After three years of listening to the screechy monkeys wailing about Obama and crying about taking "their" country back, conservatives have apparently chosen Mitt Romney as the de facto GOP candidate.

Mitt Romney.

It's just me, right?

Yeah. It’s just me. Pardon me while I guffaw in hearty, yet ironic, amusement.

Mitt Romney.

Really?

Let's review, shall we?

The first to fall was the warm up comedy act, Dominar Rygel the Sixteenth Donald Trump.

The first real actual candidate to bow out was Jon Huntsman. As I said when he declared his campaign beneath the baleful copper gaze of Lady Liberty, Huntsman never had a chance. And that is a damned shame, because Huntsman probably came closest to what most Tea Party, Libertarians, and large number of conservatives say they want. Ironically, these are the same things moderates of both parties, many Liberals, and a significant number of the Occupy movement say they want as well. But I digress. Savvy, smart, experienced, down to earth, hardworking, about as non-partisan as you can get and still be a politician, a guy who understand business, a guy who was one of the most popular governors in US history, and a solid leader who likely understands China and Asia better than anybody else in the world (certainly orders of magnitude beyond any other current politician). Huntsman is a guy who doesn't much care for either of the mainstream American political parties and he is somebody who advocates for congressional term limits, profound campaign finance reform, and a major overhaul and strict limits on Congressional redistricting. A rather large number of Americans who have been going around calling themselves We The People claim they want to take their country back from the politicians, the things Huntsman advocates would go a long, long way towards giving them exactly that.

Naturally, Huntsman was eaten by the flying monkeys first.

The Three Stooges were next. Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and Rick Perry each appealed to their own small paranoid fringe demographic of underpants gnomes. It should give all of us pause that they made it as far as they did, obviously there is a much larger population of the untreated mentally ill running about than any of us would have guessed. None of these goofs ever had a real chance, despite the personal endorsement of the Almighty, there just aren't enough Unibombers or members of the Texas Independence Movement to make a significant voting bloc, and let's face it, Godfather's pizza sucks giant dirty donkey balls. I do admit, however, that as somebody who writes about politics and as somebody who is as easily amused as I am, I was really rooting for Cain. I would have paid actual real genuine American cash bucks to see Herman The Pizza Man debate President Obama one on one, man to man and mano a mano, constipation to Constitution, live on national TV. I might even have subscribed to HBO for that that, because, honestly, there hasn’t been a really worthwhile comedy special since Palin's interview with Katie Couric. In my mind's eye I picture Cain’s head flopping backward and a crazy little Herman face looking out of his neck like Sam Rockwell's character in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy madly shouting, "Magrathea! Magrathea!" (or maybe "Cheese Pizza! Cheese Pizza!").

Cain, Dread Cthulhu, talk about a guy whose brain runs on lemons, but I digress yet again.

Seriously, Zaphod Beeblebrox had a better chance at the nomination than any of these three twits.

Much less amusing was the other glassy-eyed religious zealot in the mix, Rick Santorum. Santorum is about as funny as cervical cancer and his brand of theocracy is just about as accepting and tolerant as an Ayatollah at a Castro District Pride parade. He was supposed to appeal to the conservative base, but he couldn't even muster up enough votes to win his own home state primary.

Next out was Newt Gingrich. Of course, he's not actually out yet, but will apparently announce next week that he's officially quitting the race. Then he'll take all his toys and retreat to Moon Base Reagan and write a book about how he won a moral victory and how he’s not really sulking. We're all just supposed to ignore the fact that Gingrich has repeatedly sworn he would stay in until Tampa, no matter what, cross my heart and hope to die. Of course there's nothing surprising about Gingrich's failure to keep a promise, it's pretty much his trademark. If he can screw over a couple of wives in the process, he gets a royalty payment.

Frankly, Gingrich only lasted as long as he has because the universe doesn't prevent crazy people from being Las Vegas billionaires or starting superPACs.

Then there's Ron Paul. I don't think I've made any secret of the fact that I really dislike this guy. I think he's a galloping goof and if his kid is any indication, it's probably a hereditary condition. His followers are starting to verge on the walleyed gibbering version of lost cause fanaticism (Magrathea! Magrathea!).  If they all decide to move to a jungle compound in Guyana and start eating each other I won't be even mildly surprised. But even I have to admit that Paul does seem to live up to what he preaches - that's fairly unique in a professional politician, especially this crowd, and especially one from Texas (Yes, yes, I know. Look I hate to keep busting on Texas, but seriously, you stop and I'll stop).

Ron Paul doesn't have to drop out, he was never actually in the race to begin with.

And so, after all the moaning and wailing and teeth gnashing, after three frantic piss-filled years of Hitler-tossing and horror struck dire warnings of sodomy and socialism, liberalism and death panels, communism and the end of the world and the Anti-Christ, totalitarianism, Marxism, the shambling undead corpse of Ronald Reagan, and OMFG Nazis! we're finally down to it.

And who did the Republicans pick?

Romney.

Mitt Romney.

Ha ha h… wait, what?

After three years of bitching about presidential arrogance and the red tide from China, Republicans didn’t pick the down to earth guy with the foreign policy experience.  After three years of pointing out how the current occupant of the White House never served in the military and hates veterans and the working man and America, they didn’t pick the pray for rain cowboy cargo pilot.  After loudly lamenting the death of “traditional family values” and the insidious sparkly gay agenda, they didn’t pick Ford-Tough-Super-Duty-Uterus  Lady who also happens to be an expert in degayification.  Despite complaining bitterly about a lack of business acumen in the White House, they didn’t pick the guy who more or less claims to have invented the pizza industry single handedly, while walking up hill, both ways, to work barefoot in the snow. After a decade of pissing themselves blind over Muslims and bemoaning the lack of Jesus in the classroom they didn’t pick the Uber Christian. And after three years of complaining about the president’s comparative lack of experience in Washington and the cancellation of the space program, they didn’t pick the Beltway insider Moon Man either.

No, they picked the one guy who is politically closest and ideologically most like, wait for it, waaaaaaaaiiiiiit for it, most like Barack Obama.

Buwah?

You're shitting me, right?

So, in the end, after all the rhetoric and all the anguished rending of garments and self flagellation, after repeated threats of government shutdowns, after all the talk of taking our guns to Washington, after tea parties and talk of treason and secession and civil war, after the patriots and powdered wigs, after the tear gas and the Tasers, after the ridiculous idiotic birther nonsense and the endless silly comparisons of who the better Christian was, after all that bullshit about elitism and who had lost touch with the common man, they picked the handsome moderate elitist millionaire with a private elevator in the garage of his vacation mansion and the weird religion made from magic underpants and the funny marriage customs who championed universal healthcare, gun control, big government and made his fortune by liquidating jobs and closing businesses and who said that he would do pretty much exactly what the current President has been doing to end the war and fix the economy (only he'd do it faster and without any OMFG Nazis!).

Refresh my memory, what was all the rabid frothy objection to Obama again?

What could it be? What could it be?

Hmmmm. It’s a puzzle.

What’s that you say?

Oh, yeah, that. Riiiiight. I'm sure that's not it. Never mind. Move along, nothing to see here.

So anyway now that the GOP Sausage Machine has spit out this cycle’s wiener, the only question remaining is: who's Romney going to select as a running mate?

Marco Rubio? Chris Christie? Paul Ryan?  Rubio is supposed to appeal to Latinos because apparently Mexicans can’t tell themselves from Cubans either. Paul is supposed to appeal to people who like spread sheets and poverty. Christie is supposed to appeal to people who are still in mourning over the end of The Sopranos.  All likely choices. All boring and predictable. Just like Mitt himself. 

Romney needs to shake things up, show some spontaneity for crying out loud.  Appeal to those fringe elements who bailed out of the process and hightailed it for their mountain shacks and bible bunkers when Romney’s fellow candidates fell by the wayside.

Sarah Palin?  As amusing as a rerun of Word Salad Sally would be, there’s spontaneity and there’s going rogue.  Rogue is what they call it when an enraged elephant goes completely nuts, begins trumpeting wildly and biting at its own tail, tramples everything around into pulp, and is then eventually shot dead by the surviving bloodied villagers after rampaging through a church bus filled with crippled orphans.  Nobody wants that (well, OK, almost nobody wants that).

How about Ted Nugent? He’s already on a first name basis with the Secret Service and he’d be a hoot at fundraisers.

No?

So who then?

Republicans picked the candidate most like Obama for president, doesn’t it make sense to find a guy similar to Joe Biden for Veep?

Let's see, Biden is old, white, outspoken, profane, gaff prone, a lawyer, Catholic, immodest, nonintellectual. He got out of going to Vietnam with a draft deferment … holy hell! Joe Biden is practically a Republican already! If we could get him to snort cocaine out a gay prostitute’s belly button, or maybe torture a prisoner or two, his journey to the dark side would be complete! He’d forget all about that equal rights and sissy global warming stuff.

Sure, that’s it!

Joe Biden. He could be both Obama and Romney’s running mate.

Hey, smaller government, right? It’ll foster closer ties between Left and Right. C’mon, it’ll be like one of those arranged marriages in Game of Thrones.  Sorry Joe, it’s your duty, for the good of the realm.  You marry Prince Joffrey tomorrow at noon. Buck up, Man, you’ll grow to love him. 

Think of the money we’ll save.

States will save money by having one less name to print on the ballots, it’s not much but it adds up – especially if we could reuse Biden for two or three more election cycles. No matter how it shakes out, we don’t have to change the name on the VP’s office, don’t have to hire new staff or clean out the fridge or redecorate the VP Residence.  Hey! I’ve got an idea.  Dig this, the Constitution doesn’t assign any actual duties to the VP, in fact nobody is really sure which branch of government he even belongs to. He just sort of lurks around Washington watching TV and surfing the internet and making smart Alec comments.  But, and this is my point, he gets a government paycheck.  That’s right, the Vice President of the United States gets paid to do nothing, hell, even Prince Charles has to attend shopping mall openings and polo matches and stuff.  The American VP? Nada.  I say that’s a luxury we can no longer afford to keep on the payroll.  We save money by recycling the VP, we can save even more by putting him to work. So, what can the Vice President do?  Oh the list is endless, somebody needs to wash Air Force One, walk the First Pooch, weed the Rose Garden, clean up after GSA parties.  That kind of thing. There’s nothing in the Constitution that prevents it (that’s totally true, I looked it up on the internet). 

Sure, that’s it, Joe Biden, he’d be the perfect guy for Romney’s running mate.

Ok, just think about it. That’s all I asking.

53 comments:

  1. New reaction block: GawdIloveyou and I want to have your kittens.

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  2. BONUS points for knowing who Zaphod Beeblebrox was. The books were better, you know. MUCH, MUCH better. The movies (all attempts) SUCKED!

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    Replies
    1. I'm so old - I heard it first via cassette tapes of radio shows from the UK

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    2. I do beg to differ in one respect-the choice of Alan Rickman for Marvin was pure genius. When I saw the movie, I thought he was PERFECT!

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    3. Actually Rickman did voice (which was indeed a stroke of genius), Warwick Davis was the actor in Marvin suit.

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    4. I found that out after I posted, I'm going to ask my husband for a Marvin suit for Christmas. I'm short enough to fit in it.

      knittingbull

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  3. You need to put a warning at the top, to put on your Depends before reading, so you don't piss yourself laughing.

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  4. New favorite phrase: now that the GOP Sausage Machine has spit out this cycle’s wiener

    BTW - now that you mention it, Trump totally looks like Rigel OMG! Now I'll never get that image out of my head...as if I needed anything to make Trump more ridiculous in my head!

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  5. I did not see Joe Biden as Everyveep coming.

    Well played, sir. Well played.

    Dr. Phil

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  6. That was worth TWO batches of brownies.
    Douglas Adams?!
    Sorry Mrs. Wright - Jim, I love you.

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  7. Dread Cthulhu, talk about a guy whose brain runs on lemons

    I must find a way to work this into a conversation. This is my quest.

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    Replies
    1. I salute you, Sir, and will drink a toast to the success of your endeavor. Huzah!

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  8. Whoot .. I cried ... you are my god
    all of the above

    The minimal discussion of Rick Santorum is more than he deserves - but he could yet be fighting VP Biden for that position. We'll probably see him next on Mitt's "try out" list talking about women's more intimate body parts.

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  9. Don't count out Paul. Here in Minnesota he's hated by much of the GOP, but he's grabbing delegates that were supposedly going to Santorum. In February, the Republican caucus voters here went 45 percent for Santorum, 27 percent for Paul, and only 17 percent for Romney. AP and other groups went on to estimate that Santorum would win 17 of Minnesota's delegates, Paul would win 10, and Romney 6. But Ron Paul dominated the Congressional District conventions. According to a tweet from RNC committeewoman Pat Anderson, Paul took 20 of the 24 delegates available in the congressional districts.

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    Replies
    1. Well, I admit I'm going to feel pretty damned stupid indeed if I wake up on November 7th to find he's the president.

      I think by internet law I now have to promise to move to Costa Rica or Peru or Switzerland if Paul wins the election.

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    2. Ron Paul -- Harold Stassen's love child

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    3. Ron Paul - "Upset that he's not the love child of Ayn Rand and Robert Heinlein, currently punishing the rest of us for it."

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    4. Jim, we'll all move with you -- form a new country and YOU can be president!

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  10. I mean it was pretty clear to me from the beginning that they were gonna go for Mitt. But it was fun watching them contort themselves through the primaries.

    It was kinda like a really bored and frustrated housewife (GOP) who's stuck with a guy that she really can't get rid of and so she fantasizes about being with other partner's that she'd really never consider in "real life" (Cain, Bachman, Trump, Santorum (euw!)- and so in the end - she has to open her eyes and wake up next the the bland guy and get on with life as she knows it.

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  11. "A rather large number of Americans who have been going around calling themselves We The People claim they want to take their country back from the politicians, the things Huntsman advocates would go a long, long way towards giving them exactly that."

    Some guru once told me that asking them is no way to find out what people want, you have to observe them for a while. Seems to be true.

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  12. Speaking of Romney and his possible VP pick:

    Yesterday, the Senate reauthorized The Violence Against Women Act. According to Debbie Wasserman-Schulz, this is the first time in its history any Senator has objected to reauthorization.

    Guess who, amongst his Fellow Regressives objected? Yeah, Marco Rubio! Making sure he gets "The Nod" for VP Nominee? You bet!

    Don't forget, this will now go to the House, where it is assured to be watered down to previous versions which left out significant numbers of the populace. Infuriating!

    fromthediagonal

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  13. It does boggle the mind . . . I was truly upset to see Huntsmen receive the reception from the Republicans he did, but not surprised. I very much doubt this is the last we've seen of him. We still need a few men/women with intelligence and experience in Washington. But, let's get back to the idiocity!! Trump for Veep!! What a ticket that would be!! C'mon GOP, ya gave us McCain and Palin last time. Mitt and The Donald is the only duo I can think of right now that could possibly offend as much of the country (Heck, the world!) as the past dynamic duo. And the entertainment meter would be off the charts! My 2 cents, Duff
    PS. Rubio is too smart and too young to tie himself for a losers bracket. Now if you really wanted to challenge the Dems, I bet a Huntsman/Rubio ticket would have given them a very serious run for their money. Thanks again Jim for your clarity of thought. Refreshing as always.

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  14. I am totally using "underpants gnomes" as much as I can in the next few months. For example, "Could you please tell me where you keep your underpants gnomes?" or "If I had a dime for every underpants gnome which walked through this place." or "I'd make that cake but the recipe calls for underpants gnomes and I just used my last one this morning." or "I was going to go with blue but then I remembered I still had three gallons of underpants gnomes in the basement."

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  15. Genius! Sheer genius, I salute you. The most important quality a VP can have is no one wanting them to be president. At least for the candidate making the choice, hence McCain' thinking. Can you imagine how annoying Biden would be as Prez? He's the perfect VP!
    Then there's the idea of putting him to work, I liked that. Let's face it, President of the Senate is the definition of bogus. OTOH, "Joe, the Secret Service needs to 'vet' some more 'escorts', get to it." Or, "Joe, the Secretary of State needs more wine coolers, deal with that." Yes, Mr. Wright, you are a regular braniac.

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  16. Geez, a FARSCAPE reference. Man are you dating yourself. But kudos for being wicked smart and versitile.

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  17. Speaking on behalf of the entire country, Joe Biden is also acceptable as VP for The Canada Party. So is Mitt Romney for that matter.

    Let's not forget that this is a three way race.

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  18. Hey, don't knock Zaphod, man. At least we'd know from the beginning that he was two-faced.
    *rimshot*

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  19. This made me laugh and cry at the same time. :/

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  20. I was so hoping that Herman Cain would get the nomination and reinstitute Palin for his running mate. I doubt the media of all types would have been able to keep up with the hilarity of their combined ignorance united with their combined belief that they alone know what is good for all of us.
    Just the political cartoons would have made it worthwhile. Alas we are stuck with boring Romney.

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  21. Senator Rubio is out of the VP pick running. Way too much baggage. The whole "flub" over when his parents fled Cuba and the rumors of him being a "secret" Mormon.

    Congressman Ryan is the most powerful man in the House of Representatives right now, as Chairman of the House Budget Committee. Does anyone really think he's going to give up that power to be someone's Vice President?

    Governor Christie is happy just being talked about. He's not going to give up governorship of New Jersey run for Vice President. He might resign to take say, Secretary of Transportation or Commerce. Otherwise, he is just enjoying the spot light.

    Governor Brewer of Arizona has been mentioned, but forget it. She's not very good at public speaking and she's really not considered "conservative" enough. The only reason she signed the infamous SB1070 was so she would actually be elected governor. (Remember, she became governor only because Janet Napolitano became Secretary of Homeland Security.)

    Picking someone to pander to Hispanics isn't going to work for the Republicans. Mostly because its the policies of Republicans that have turned off Hispanics. So look for James Dobson to appoint Mr. Romney's running mate, just as he did Senator McCain's. Its going to be a staunch social conservative (just short of a theocrat), but one with some brains. Look for that person to be from the South and most likely a governor.

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    1. My 2 cents worth: Good analysis but not too likely. Romney doesn't need a southern governor to hold the south. The one exception could be McDonnell in VA. But the ads against McDonnell "Gov. Ultrasound" just write themselves.

      No Republican Gov in the Mid-West will help Romney in the Mid-West. Not one. Daniels probably wouldn't hurt him, but once again, Indiana is not a swing state (2008 be damned).

      If its going to be a governor (current or former), look for him to come from the Mountain west (CO, NM, NV).

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    2. I agree, I don't think Mitt's going to be all that popular in the South no matter who he picks, but Southern conservatives will vote for him anyway in order to get the stinky black guy who they think is a Secret Moooslim (TM) out of the White House.

      I concur with Phoenix, Latinos are unlikely to vote Republican outside of Rubio's district.

      I think Romney needs a guy from the Midwest, where there are a lot of independents who could vote either way and still don't have jobs despite the recovery of the car companies.

      I'm thinking Mitch Daniels.

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    3. Hey - with any luck WI Governor Scott Walker will be looking for a new job fairly soon. That would cover Mitt's exposure on the lunatic right wing pretty well.

      Of course, the guy is toxic even within his own party, the subject of an ongoing criminal probe that has led him to create a legal defense fund (which he can't do under Wisconsin law unless he is considered a suspect), and has led Wisconsin into being the only state in the Union losing jobs in significant numbers, but hey - he's the Koch brothers' chief water carrier, and that has to count for something.

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  22. Can we please stop saying that Romney is a moderate? He might have been a moderate right up until he decided not to run for reelection in Mass. Ever since he has ran as much as a raving lunatic as the rest. We cannot be sure that he will govern tha way, but I am not gong to give this scum all opportunist the benefit of the doubt.

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    1. I called Romney a moderate specifically because that's exactly how the vast majority of Conservatives see him. And despite the fact that modern conservatives tend to use "moderate" as a curse and insult, they still picked Romney. I find that fairly hilarious.

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    2. With the exception of Johnson and Huntsman, compared to the rest of the GOP field, Romney is a moderate.

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  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    Replies
    1. I removed the duplicate post, Bob.

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    2. Thanks Jim. Blogger seems to give the iPad some trouble.

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    3. Funny, it works great with Android ;)

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  24. Jim- Your ability to combine the best of (droll,witty,irreverent, on-the-mark) Humor with the best of political commentary makes your column consistently the best read (IMHO) in the Blogosphere. Thanks, Jim. I and many others are glad you've chosen to hone your blades and harvest some heads! I want to say, your ability to combine such diverse references such "Wizard of Oz" and "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and "Game Of Thrones" makes me want to read the next blog just to see what you're going to use next! Way to go!!

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    Replies
    1. your ability to combine such diverse references...

      Not everybody sees that as a good thing.

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  25. Hi Jim - As I noted in the Cat Woman post: "Romney is running for Prez as a hobby and he just wants to achieve a personal best in winning the election. He could give a shit about occupying the White house. It doesn't matter whether he only responds to the 1% needs. They already own Congress, so they're taken care of. If Mitt won, he'd immediately get bored with the whole thing and let the staff run USA Corp."

    Willard is approaching this election as a leveraged buyout, POTUS is a commodity role which Romney sees as a goal only, with little follow on needed. He views the USA as the perfect Bain Capital target opportunity. Use Super PAC money to convince the shareholders of the need for new management and direction, take over, then gut the country. Sell off the high value property and let the >310 million "workers" rot. His class doesn't really notice the people they fly over anyway.

    The Super PACs will never let Mitt run with an idiot as VP. They might select an attractive young gun with no personal agenda, who can remember his lines. Or, they may repeat the Cheney VP selection process with Jeb as the recruiter who regretfully reports that he could not find anyone to play Pancho Sanchez. So Jeb would take on the VP role, only until "someone better" shows up to relieve him of the burden.

    Most Merkins don't remember or know that Cheney was put in place to shove his arm up W's backside and manage 8 years of rape behind that smirking, bland peanut brain in the White House. Mitt is no W. He was actually successful in making his own money by destroying other people's dreams. But he is privileged enough to have little to no connection with the unwashed masses.

    As a one trick pony, Romney will still need central control over him. Hard to tell at this point whether that comes from Jeb or some other GOP mechanic as VEEP, or point to point micromanagement from the Koch cavern (Sharks with frickin laser beams Baby!!). If Mitt and Co end up successfully acquiring USA Corp it will be a definite turning point in this big freedom experiment. I will take occasional notice after I settle into my New Zealand home.

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  26. I've put some thought into Romney's Veep choices in case he fails to heed Jim's brilliant idea. ("Joe, the first lady needs a cheeseburger. Here's five bucks, keep the change.")
    There are certain qualities he needs to look for. Female would be a good start. Must love dogs. Not Mormon. Name recognition. Money. Not a Washington insider. Appeal to younger voters.
    It's a very short list.
    Paris Hilton.
    I'm almost afraid to post this, in case Romney reads this post. I don't want to be the one who gives him the Presidency.

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    1. "Female would be a good start. Must love dogs. Not Mormon. Name recognition. Money. Not a Washington insider. Appeal to younger voters. Dumber than a pine board.
      It's a very short list.
      Paris Hilton."
      Fixed it for you.

      OT-Jim, that pen is gorgeous, I might have to steal it from
      my husband. He's extremely happy with it.
      knittingbull

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    2. Thanks, knittingbull. I knew I had forgotten something. Anyone with a grain of sense would avoid this insane clown posse.

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    3. That's HOT!

      When McCain used Paris to make a point about Obama's celebrityness, Paris got back at him by cutting a campaign commercial. It was hilarious.


      There was at least one other, but it kinda sucked.

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    4. John, you had the proper elements, but speaking for myself I have a sneaking suspicion the righties tend to skip over intelligence (or even a slightly higher iq than a rock) when a candidate strokes their egos and their fantasies. It's very depressing on occasion. This tends to apply to both men and women, but I think it skews "severely" in the direction of women ("there's GNO WAHR ONZ WIMMENZ!"). Sigh.

      knittingbull

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    5. Yikes DerFarm, Paris is too smart to take on being Mitt's Veep. Thanks for sharing. I guess it's down to some luckless, overly loyal spear-carrier.

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  27. Check out gov of new mexico she has right views.

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  28. Check out gov of new Mexico she has all the right views.

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  29. You heard it here first. It will either be Condi Rice (and all her Bush baggage..yay) or that Gov. from New Mexico. Romney is a panderer and the logical choice for a panderer is someone who is a member of his 2 weakest groups. Women and visible minorities.

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  30. I think Condi is way too smart to hop on this particular train. Wait four years, and watch out!

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