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Friday, November 18, 2011

The Ballad Of Rick Perry

Ever heard of Irving?

You know, Irving. The Kosher Kid? The Jewish gunfighter? Big fat Irving? Ranked 142nd among professional pistoleers? Faced down Bad Max and the James Boys? Famous for his bovine art and impeccable table settings? You know, Irving.

Not ringing a bell, eh? Really? Well, obviously your education in American history is sadly lacking. Sigh.  You never studied, did you? I pity you and your poor wastrel childhood, I do.

The Doctor would be so disappointed.

What do you mean, what doctor? No not that doctor, not that prissy Englishman and his silly call-box. I’m talking about a true American and the most brilliant doctor of them all, Dr. Demento, of course.

Since you haven’t done your homework, here, listen to Frank Gallop.  Go on, I’ll wait. Hell, partner, tell you what, I’ll listen with you, I love me some heroic western storytellin’:

 

 

I was reminded of poor old bumbling Irving this week. To be honest I spent pretty much the whole day caught in between fits of giggling interspersed by singing various stanzas from the Ballad of Irving.

Why?

Rick Perry challenged Nancy Pelosi to pistols at twenty paces.

He was mean and nasty right clear though, which was kind of weird because he was yellow too!

Perry is like one of those dudes from “back east,” the kind of sarsaparilla cowboy that the real cowpunchers used to make fun of in the old Wild West.  He fancies himself a steely-eyed gunfighter and he was King Shit back in whatever little cow town he’s from.  He’s got himself a fancy rig: big horse and a genuine silver trimmed western saddle (made in China), chrome plated spurs, shiny belt buckle and an embroidered Brooks Brothers fringe-sleeved shirt. He’s got the biggest hat he could afford with a fancy leather band, and he spends his nights twisting the brim into the perfect Cowboy curl. He practices his patented Man With No Name squint in the mirror every morning and he’s got that pointy-toed gunslinger swagger down pat.  There’s one of Colonel Colt’s equalizers slung low on his hip with the sere filed down and the trigger wired back and he spends a lot of time practicing slappin’ leather and fanning the hammer in front of a life-sized pasteboard cutout of Ronald Reagan as Farrell in Cattle Queen of Montana.

Just one problem, ol’ Hair Trigger Perry can’t shoot for shit.

Every time he goes into the saloon, the other cowboys knock his hat off and tape a kick me sign on his back and he can’t seem to get a shot off.

They’re out there, the wild bunch, the notorious Norquist Gang, in the street, waiting for him right now.

There’s Herman The Harasser Cain, who sprays hot lead in all directions and about half the time accidently guns down members of his own posse. There’s Crazy Horse Bachmann, she wears a faded saddle blanket like a poncho and holds her huge heavy pistol in a splayed legged two fisted grip, she screws her eyes shut and spastically jerks the trigger … and fires randomly into the crowd.  Slick Mittens Romney, the grifter who runs the local poker game and kills men with a concealed Derringer he hides in his sleeve next to the spare aces.  John The Ambassador, he’s an enigma, he doesn’t talk much, he just slouches in the back cradling his shotgun and stroking the trigger like it was a woman.  There’s the Santorum Kid, he’s just an cowhand who was done wrong and fell in with a bad crowd, he rode with Quantrill’s Raiders during the war and now his soul is owned by the Devil. Doc Paul, pale and wizened, tubercular, a dangerous unpredictable loner, the ranch hands say he’s killed a hundred men (mostly uninsured renegade illegal Mexicans).  And, of course there’s The Newt, disgraced prewar Congressman, now he’s a fast talking snake-oil salesman and proprietor of The Salamander Medicine Show, wanted by the Pinkertons in ten states and the Indian territories for horse thievery, robbing the stage, and serial buggery, rumor has it that he came out west after he got caught diddling a powerful Senator’s wife, he’s dying of the Pox and it makes him mean.

And there’s Rick Perry, looking for all the world like Marty McFly in Back To The Future III.

That’s what Perry’s fellow Texicans call All Hat, No Cattle.

Rock bottom in the polls. Mocked by bloggers (hello!) and late night comedians everywhere including foreign non-English speaking countries without cable TV.  Contributions suddenly nonexistent, funding drying up.  Campaign workers sneaking out the back door for other candidates.  Every time Perry pulls out his piece he either shoots himself in the foot or it turns out that he forgot to load the damned thing.

Like Clint Eastwood-McFly hiding improvised body armor under his shirt, Perry needs a gimmick to keep from getting killed.

So he cooked up an idea to create a part-time Congress and hire Kelly Services temps to work the Supreme Court. On Perry’s Big U.S. Spread, the President will  be the undisputed Cattle King. The Rail Tycoons are already rubbing their hands in glee and eying the homesteaders’ paltry few acres. The prices are up in the General Store and likely to stay that way and they’ve dammed up the river. Perry’s suddenly shaking hands and making the rounds of the bars and brothels shopping his plan. Apparently the logic being that since he just completely sucks giant fuzzy donkey balls at real live debating and can’t even hold his own against the likes of Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain (see? Thus the giggling) let alone Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and Mitt Romney – and since he obviously has no chance whatsoever against the very eloquent Doc Brown Obama – he’s decided to go looking for somebody smaller and weaker that he can beat up.

He walked into Sol’s Saloon like a man insane! And ordered three fingers of two-cents plain…

Unfortunately for Perry, he picked on the town school marm – and just never mind the fact that she’s not even running for President.

Pelosi’s response? Her public response? On Twitter? Read by millions so far? Priceless: “Re: Gov. Perry – Monday I’ll be in Portland. Later visiting labs in CA. That’s 2. I can’t remember the third thing…”

He was sittin’ there twirlin’ his gun around, and butterfingers Irving gunned himself down…

Believe me when I say that I am not a fan of Nancy Pelosi. But, dude! She not only owned Perry in a 140 character double-tap, she saddled him and drove him around the internet like a little pastel pony-shaped squeaky toy. The only way Perry could have pantsed himself any worse would be if Pelosi did agree to the debate and then showed up wearing chaps and spurs and rode him around the stage waving her giant hat and slapping Perry on his bare pink shaved bottom. Gittyup! Little Perry!

Honestly, what was he thinking?

That Pelosi would be an easy mark? That debating her would have some relevancy to his sagging presidential campaign? Because conservatives hate her? Because Perry’s Texan base hates her? Because she’s a girl? He can’t hit in the big leagues so he figured he’d go down to the batting cage and knock out a home run there – and instead got himself beaned by the pitching machine. What? What was the reasoning here?

A hundred and forty-one could draw faster than he, but Irving was looking for one forty-three…

Who’s Perry going to challenge next? A ham sandwich? Seriously, if he can’t beat Pelosi, who I remind you again isn’t even running for the office and isn’t exactly the wittiest cowgirl at the dance, in a twitter dust-up of all things then who can he beat?

I saw a comment suggesting that he take on that talking baby from the E-trade commercials. I dunno, that kid was day trading at nine months, it’s a good bet the little curtain-climber can count to three. Seems like an awful risk for Perry. I’ve seen that kid on TV with a smartphone, he’s probably got a twitter account. What? I’m just saying that’s a sarcastic little drooler is all.

Bad Max said draw and draw right now! And Irving drew, drew a picture of a cow…

The problem is that Perry chokes in the clutch. Look, the bar girls down at the town saloon don’t call him Powder Burns for nothing.

What he needs to do is start small and work his way up to progressively harder debates.

Think Karate Kid. What I’m saying is that Perry needs to walk before he can stagger home from the bar.  He needs to work on basic skills:

Establish a Clear Message: You can’t be a good debater if people don’t understand what you’re saying.  Perry gets flustered when he has to deal with contrary people face to face, so he should start out by getting a little emotional separation from the other side of the debate. He needs to depersonalize it.  He should start by debating a drive-thru speaker (takes a minute to start, be patient, it’s worth it. Thank you again, Dr. D). Start with something simple, say a happy meal and a juice box. Next, a special order like extra onions on the burger or no pubic hair in the Lo-Cal sandwich wrap. Once he can order for the entire campaign bus - from memory – at three different drive-thrus on the same food run and get everything he asked for correctly including the weird PR chick’s small hot water and extra ketchup packs, he’s ready for the next exercise, i.e. actual face time in a live training environment. Say like getting coffee for everybody at Starbucks. Simultaneously dealing with the baristas’ scornful contempt and the hostile remarks from those standing in line behind him while they wait impatiently for his huge order to be filled will be excellent practice for a real debate.

Understanding The QuestionSociopaths NeoConservatives Texans Politicians have a hard time with empathy. They just aren’t good at listening to anything other than their own oversized throbbing ego. Perry needs to learn how to listen to constituents.  He can practice by debating  Rusty The Talking Dog .  This is a timed exercise, if Perry can’t figure out what Rusty wants within a limited amount of time he’s going to need a roll of paper towels and a steam cleaner.  Either way, he’ll learn a useful skill and if his presidential aspirations don’t pan out he can always find a job cleaning up the local park.  Once Perry can walk the dog, he’s ready for the real skill challenge: Cats in tanks.

Dominate the Stage:  In order for Perry to stand out in a presidential debate, he has to rise head and shoulders above some pretty big egos. He needs to learn how to boldly seize the moment and hang on unashamedly. Blatant self promotion is just another arrow in the political quiver and if Perry doesn’t stand up for himself, who will?  For practice, Perry should debate Kanye West.  When he can keep control of the microphone for more than thirty seconds, he’s ready to stiff-arm that candy-assed Wolf Blitzer and take control of the debate agenda like a boss.

Dress for Success:  Since Perry isn’t very good at talking under pressure, he needs to appeal on a non-verbal level to the diverse bunch of folks who make up the core conservative base (the innovative entrepreneurs, the college educated, and Wall Street Executives).  Perry should practice by debating as a street mime.

Wax on, wax off.

Once Perry has mastered the basics, like a gunfighter in a Dodge City saloon he needs to focus on his individual opponents. He needs to practice against the unique strengths and weaknesses of each member of Biff Norquist’s outlaw gang.  The followed training scenarios should help:

Ron Paul  (in this simulation, Paul is the one on the left)

Herman Cain  (in this simulation, Herman is the one who says, “Well, of course I’m on drugs.”)

Michele Bachmann (not safe for small children, people with heart conditions, or those susceptible to cults)

Newt Gingrich (This simulation is not safe for work,but then neither is Newt. Newt is the blond)

Rick Santorum (Go on, push the button. I saved the best for last)*

 

 

The Ballad of Rick Perry, The Hundred and Forty-Second Best Debater in the West

- With apologies to the late great Frank Gallop

 

He was tall and tan and came out the west

With open pit BBQ smoke on his breath

He was smooth and slick right clear though

Which was kinda weird, ‘cause he was a douchebag too.

 

They called him Rick

Slick Rick

Slick Botoxed Rick

Slick one percent Rick

The hundred and forty second best debater in the West

 

He came from the old Bush Family Spread

With a ten-million dollar campaign contribution under his bed

He always followed the evangelical’s wishes

Keeping the queers from getting married was just plain delicious

 

Rick

Big Rick

Big Bigot Rick

Big Gay Rick

The hundred and forty second best debater in the West.

 

A hundred and forty-one could debate better than he

Tongue tied Rick couldn’t even count to three.

Challenged Pelosi to a fight and said winner take it all

Got his ass kicked on Twitter and went home with only one ball

 

Rick

Big Rick

Big Stupid Rick

Big Girl Rick

The hundred and forty-second best debater in the west

 

One day drought happened in the town

It was so bad it threatened to bring all of Texas down

The people said we need relief oh can’t you see?

Perry prayed to Jesus … and then blamed D.C.

 

Rick

Big Rick

Big Christian Rick

Big fat hypocrite Rick

The hundred and forty-second best debater in the west.

 

A financial crisis was coming because of what Wall Street had done

The townsfolk were hurting, they lost their homes and mutual funds

Make me the president, I can fix it Perry coo’d

The first thing we’ll do is cancel unemployment insurance because, fuck you

 

Rick

Big Rick

Big Oil Perry

Big Rick the Dick

The Hundred and forty-second best debater in the west

 

Well finally Perry took three slugs in the belly

it was just outside the Tea Party rally

MIlitia man had an AR-15 and was foolin’ around

Second Amendment solutions, that’s what went down

 

Rick

Big Rick

Big Target Rick

Big he’ll live, he just won’t hold water Rick

The Hundred and Forty Second fastest Master Debater in the west.

 

Thank you and good night.

 

 

 

 


* What? Rick Santorum? Rick Perry? Don’t act like you didn’t see the Rick Roll coming.  There’s a joker in every deck.

62 comments:

  1. (I'm such a sycophant, aren't I?)

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  2. Oh God...I had that song on an album when I was a kid. You are an evil, evil man. I swear you need a Depends alert - "Material ahead may cause sudden and unexpected loss of bladder control due to laughter. Some episodes of Seal Syndrome have been reported." (You know, where you laugh so hard all you can do is make those barky noises and flap your hands together helplessly until you pass out.)

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  3. Jim, you had me until you mentioned Marty McFly in BACK TO THE FUTURE II. It was BACK TO THE FUTURE III where Marty went to the old west and faced down Mad Dog (who, you may have noticed, was carrying Liberty Valance's quirt, and sometimes even walked like Lee Marvin). But since you based this on the incredible Frank Gallop, I'll let it pass. (For what it's worth, I think a lot of my introduction to Jewish culture came from "When You're in Love, the Whole World is Jewish" and the followup album, "The Yiddish Are Coming! The Yiddish Are Coming", which had some hilarious stuff about the six day war.)

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  4. If I'm not mistaken (which is entirely possible given the amount of time), Terry, you're the one who introduced me to The Ballad Of Irving (and Tom Lehrer) in the first place. So you have no one to blame except for yourself.

    Suck it up, Davy Crockett ;)

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  5. Jim, don't diss the Doctor. The Doctor wouldn't approve. I love both Doctors, and remember "The Ballad of Irving" fondly.

    Since I own all the available commercial (and even a few out-of-print) Dr. Demento CDs, as well as some of the original show CDs and records, I think I'll listen to some of them to cleanse my brain of Ricky Perry and the rest of the GOP nut jobs out there.

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  6. I've listened to you on the Radio, Vince. I think you are Dr. Demento.

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  7. The Ballad of Rick-The-Dick .

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  8. The Ballad of Rick-The-Dick

    Yeah, see if I titled the post that, what happens is people searching Google for, uh, well other things, find their way here and are disappointed. Let's say they're all undressed up with nowhere to go and leave it at that. K?

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  9. I rather preferred "Pencil Neck Geek" when it comes to Dr. D songs in that vein, myself. Maybe I just found it more relatable, for some odd reason.

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  10. I'm assuming that you've already heard "Gingrich the Newt" by the Austin Lounge Lizards? If not, by all means add it to your collection at once.

    Nice to hear "Irving" again. Thanks.

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  11. In these here parts, we call Rick "Perrywinkle"!

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  12. Dude! Someone totally needs to record this! :-D

    (Irving! I haven't heard that one in ages!)

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  13. Great stuff Jim! Did Pelosi really tweet that? Will be chuckling about the whole post most of the day.

    One alteration, although you could leave it in for your English readers coz it gave me yet another laugh - I assume a barrista is the coolest individual ever to have argued a brief before a judge, and probably pimps out their wig as well? Word.

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  14. Hilarious.

    Sharing on FB.

    (some of us Texans have empathy. I mean we feel sorry for you that you had that idiot Palin to deal with.)

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  15. Totally needed a spew alert for that one!!!! I'm going to send to all my Texas friends..poor bastards.

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  16. Totally needed a spew alert for that one!!!! I'm going to send to all my Texas friends..poor bastards.

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  17. Here I am in Texas, working sometimes as a substitute teacher, and totally blaming it on Perry. When Texas got a large stimulus package earmarked to hire teachers, law enforcement, and firefighters, Perry "balanced the budget" by plunking that chunk o' change into the Rainy Day Fund.

    And that's when it stopped raining.

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  18. OMFG you are brilliant! Rick Astley what a visual. I have fallen in love all over again(please do not tell my husband) :)

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  19. Isn't it Kanye West?
    You are a sicko, sir.

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  20. Not a fan of OWS and not a fan of Pelosi. Things that make me go hmmmmm.

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  21. Every time I read your latest, I say, Jim has outdone himself. It is really getting repetitive or redundant but, sure as hell not boring.

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  22. You know me, typos are part of my charm - it says so right on the box.

    I think I've fixed all the ones that were pointed out to me, including the Kanye West one - which in my defense wasn't an actual typo but an autocorrect. I had to fight the software in order to fix it, damned persistent that autocorrect, almost like ol' Kayne, er Kayne, damn it, Kanye himself.

    Autocorrect: Imma goin let you finish, but first...

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  23. I read this post last night and LMAO. But it reminded me of something, and it was just on the tip of my tongue. Then this a.m. I remembered - and then I you mention him in the comments.

    Tom Leaher. I've got to find a copy of the record my Mother has that is so old that you can barely hear it. But it is still as funny as the first day I heard it. "Be Prepared - Boy Scouts Marching Song". Here's a small sample for those unfamiliar with Leaher's work. http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=620
    Of course the whole album is brilliant.

    And then that reminded me of Danny Kaye's "He's a Hunk of Man, He's our Hero, Cowboy Dan - a yodeling, galloping buckaroo, his horse of course, is a baritone too."

    Great way to start off a Saturday morning. I'm going out into the cold to set traps this a.m. with the hubby, I think I'll be whistling these tunes all day. And its all your fault!

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  24. Next thing you know they'll station Perry on the bow with a boat hook to snag the mail buoy as it drifts by. Convinced of the righteous importance of the task as well as how the crew will adore him, he will keep a sharp lookout for the mail bag until they take pity and send him off to find that last box of grid squares.

    Note: Hours into my first Med float, the SEAL Chief tried to trick me into mail buoy watch. I figured it was b/s cause I knew it would be at least 3 days until the P-3 would drop our mail in mid-Atlantic. Marines is smart.

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  25. Marines is smart.

    Not that smart. My first tour, at NCS Rota, I got sent up to the roof with a chair and a logbook for "Satellite Watch." Sitting in a chair on the roof of the NSGA building on a warm pleasant Spanish summer night beat the ever living hell out of cleaning the head or polishing brass. I spent the entire eight hour watch up there staring at the sky. Best watch I ever had.

    Marines may be smart, but Squids is smarterer.

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  26. @hedgewytch, Terry Todish and I met 35 years ago as counselors at a boy scout summer camp in northern Michigan. Believe me when I tell you that "Be Prepared," Lehrer's Boy Scouts marching song, is something we knew word for word. And lived.

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  27. There are lots of Tom Lehrer live recordings on YouTube. Just put him in the search box (spell his name right; it helps.)

    My favorite Boy Scout song when I was a leader, as well as that boot-camp-like summer when I was Director of Handicrafts in the Arizona mountains, is "Pink Pajamas."

    But your Perry parody (isn't that an oxymoron? I mean, Perry IS a parody) is in the grand tradition of Lehrer and the Celtic Bardic Tradition of satire. I did a Master's thesis on how that evolved into modern-day protest music, of which Lehrer was a prolific part. Pretty good writing for a math professor at Harvard.

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  28. I have every Tom Lehrer album ever made.

    And Perry isn't a parody, he's a Rick Roll.

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  29. This is priceless! I am in awe of your ability to get to the sickest and most illuminating core of the matter.
    Perry is a confounding and stupid politician. I have been wondering who jerks his chain for a long time.

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  30. It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

    Then it's hilarious!

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  31. If you loved "Be Prepared" as a kid, was "I got it from Agnes" the refrain for after shore leave?

    +1 on anything by Tom Lehrer. The more I know about you, the better I like you!

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  32. Jim_ I've taken about nine different kinds of hallucinogens including a few that most people have never even heard of. BUT....

    The things you seem to be capable of thinking are frightening. Charlie Sheen, Sarah Palin AND Rick Astley? You linked them all in the same blog post you bastard!! And then you introduced my mind to the concept of Rick Perry attempting to order Starbucks for an entire bus.

    That was so, so, wrong. You know, there really isn't a good way to unthink something. I can only hope that there really is Karma so that you get yours someday.

    v-word: shedisj: the word you say when you try to unthink something once thunk

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  33. I never knew that Ernie had a Jewish cousin :)

    Brilliant!

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  34. Love, love, love it! I'll be sharing far and wide for all those who need a really good laugh!

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  35. On Tom Lehrer, there were three LPs, one of which was originally issued as a 10" not a 12".

    There are also several singles as well as some songs for The Electric Company.

    All are available as CDs.

    The last LP, That was The Year That Was, exactly two songs could be played on the air, one being New Math.

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  36. I'm a long-time reader since "Teacher Bashing 101" and a first time commenter. Would you believe I found your site when googling the work of the late, great Molly Ivins? She would appreciate your work on Guvnah Goodhhair, I think. I know I'll be laughing about this one for quite some time. Thank you for once again, making my day!
    Mary R. from CA

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  37. 142nd fastest master debater?

    You get 10 points for that one!

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  38. and next time - I agree with dblvet -
    spew alert, please. My sinuses just got coffee cleaned. While they probably needed it, it was neither comfortable nor pleasant for my wife to watch.

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  39. Jim Wright still doesn't understand OWS. Part of the puzzle came from his casual mention in this piece that he is no fan of Nancy Pelosi. Hopefully he will elaborate because I found that combination of things kind of curious.

    Here Jim, let me put it in historical context for you. I'm sure you can connect the dots....but only if you want to.

    There's something happening here

    What it is ain't exactly clear

    There's a man with a gun over there

    Telling me I got to beware

    Buffalo Springfield ~ For What It's Worth

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  40. @Anonymous, was there an actual specific question in that snotty remark?

    I get OWS just fine. I even sympathize with basic idea behind the movement - but not some of the individual ideas expressed such as ending the Fed or communism. You'll note that I never said that I didn't believe in OWS - you just assumed that I didn't. What I object to is the lighting shit on fire part and smashing windows. I've explained why in exhaustive detail and I'm not going to argue about it here with some random anonymous pissy commenter.

    I don't like Pelosi. It's a personal thing. I don't hate her, I don't think she's destroying the country, I don't wish ill for her, I just don't care for her for a number of reasons. All of which I've likewise written about and don't feel like rehashing. That said, here's the bottom line: she's not my Representative, so I don't really care about her one way or the other. If the people who elected her are happy with her as their congress person, more power to them.

    As to the Buffalo Springfield, don't try to teach the Warrant how to use a marlinspike. I'll see you your first stanza and raise you the rest of the song, start with the part that goes: Nobody's right if everybody's wrong.

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  41. Thanks, Jim, for giving Perry's "canned-idiocy" precisely the kind of attention it deserves. He's given us all a good laugh, now he can go home. I have watched the current crop of "candidates" perform, and have wondered if I'm watching reruns of The Gong Show. Unfortunately, there's no one to deliver the merciful clang of the gong and they just go on. Worse yet, one of those morons will probably end up in the White House. If this is the best the country has to offer, we're in trouble.

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  42. If you are not participating then how can you say you get OWS? You are no different than the galtian overlords in their ivory towers who also say they get it then start complaining they might lose their Bush tax cuts. Or casually say "get a job hippy" or whatever.

    Your fatal mistake in your response is to break down the words of the song instead of referring to the historical context and what those events have accomplished. Has nothing to do with some song. I just thought it was the right era that it might get through to you somehow....guess I was wrong.

    Or perhaps you do not think the protests of that era accomplished anything? In that case we have NOTHING to talk about.

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  43. Oh right, I'm no different than the Wall Street execs you hate. I'll be sure to say hi to the CEO of Bank of America for you when I see him later at the country club.

    Here's what I get about OWS, if I don't agree with you exactly, then I'm an enemy of America. I'm getting that part perfectly. As I said, you've got more in common with the Tea Party than you think.

    And you're the one who brought up Buffalo Springfield, don't get all passive aggressive about it.

    I think you're right, Judy (that's who you are, isn't it?). We have nothing to talk about, so how's about you shove off now. K? Thanks.

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  44. @Anonymous: Upon reflection, allow me to add this:

    I find it ironic, incredibly so, that a member of a movement that is at its very core about freedom and liberty for all including freedom of thought and conviction, and to top it off someone who lays claim to a lineage stretching back to the protest movements of the 60's, i.e. you, would actually throw this at me: If you are not participating then how can you say you get OWS? You are no different than the galtian overlords in their ivory towers who also say they get it then start complaining they might lose their Bush tax cuts. Or casually say "get a job hippy" or whatever.

    You're either with us or against us, eh? The Bush Doctrine. Irony, @anonymous, indeed.

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  45. Whoever that Anon was (s)he obviously hasn't been spending much time working with an OWS encampment. We argue like a sack of cats; politely, of course.

    The perspective of outside observers is actually very important to OWSers and Jim's criticisms were cogent even when I didn't agree with every dot of what he wrote.

    It's the "you're just dirty hippies" flock of parrots that we ignore.

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  46. Priceless!

    Have you thought of, "the stage"?

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  47. I'm a little old to run off to Broadway.

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  48. @Pangolin....I'm just the messenger. It's the media that is parroting the "dirty hippies" line as well as all the other things I mentioned. It was cold out in the front lines yesterday but I will keep going....on weekends....see....I have a job, in my 40's...have never been a "dirty hippy" so I pretty much break every stereotype the media tries to paint on me. So I arguably have more to offer the OWS movement than the kids who are out there camping in the winter. I missed the 60's protest movement but I believe that it changed things for the better. It just didn't seem like it at the time.....THAT is why I support this movement 110% and that is why I think Jim is so wrong about it. Hopefully he can grow some wings and try see it from high above instead of sitting in the forest looking at the trees.

    No I am not Judy whoever that is supposed to be.

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  49. Ok, I post rarely, and probably would fall into the Jim "sycophant" category...

    But I love how folks like Anonymous "support this movement 110%", except for with a name. I'm not saying I care who this is, at all. Just chuckling here.

    Also, Anon, Jim was making a point with the Judy comment that he can see the IP traffic and can associate a name that way. Easy way to avoid this, use a name.

    Sorry, a bit of a rant. This statement, has absolutely nothing to do with my beliefs on OWS, God, Country, Apple Pie or the Yankees.

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  50. @Anonymous-Not-Judy,

    Hopefully he can grow some wings and try see it from high above instead of sitting in the forest looking at the trees

    There is very little that will get you banned here quicker than those little passive-aggressive barbs.

    The reason I refuse to march with OWS has nothing to do with the media, it's because of snide little pinheads like you.

    I see OWS just fine, I don't agree with your viewpoint. Here's why: I've spent a hell of a lot of my military career cleaning up after you big picture dickheads. Starry eyed dreamers just like you with your head in the clouds and no goddamned battle plan. Ass backward into the unknown and let somebody else pick up the pieces, camp out in the park for a rock concert and let somebody else sweep up your trash afterward. You know who you remind me of? Those guys who thought BP actually had a real contingency plan for a deep water oil well blow-out. What they actually had was a folder full of bullshit and a hundred pages of smoke and mirrors. When disaster struck, there they were with their dicks in their hands and that stupid look on their faces – and somebody else had to take care of the details. I’ve been that guy far, far too often.

    People like you think you know what a forest is from a few satellite photos but never bother to look at the actual fucking trees.

    You want to know why I think the way I do? You want to know why I demand to know what the details are before I join up? I’ll tell you why: seven thousand of us are dead because some big idea guy in the Bush administration didn't bother with the actual details before sending us into battle – and don’t bother to try and tell me otherwise because I was fucking there. Wall Street dry fucked us all hard repeatedly right in the ass likewise because those people who should have been scrutinizing the details were busy flying around in the clouds. I’ve been the victim of a thousand anonymous assholes just like you, full of wind shit and excitement and lean on anything that actually resembles either concrete goals or measurable objectives.

    Tell you what, Anonymous, you can save your sanctimonious "learn to fly" bullshit for the birds.

    You think because you’re standing out there waving a sign and chanting Kumbaya that you’ve got the big picture? You might as well join Rick Perry and pray for rain. Fuck you, Anonymous, I risked my life for this country for over twenty years, I’ve fought in two wars, sailed every ocean of the world, slogged through the mud on six continents, and I've been pepper sprayed more than once, I earned my worldview and at least I have the guts to own what I say.

    You want to change my mind? Then make a better argument instead of dropping snide remarks.

    Now, you are done here. This post is about Rick Perry, the next person to mention OWS gets deleted. You want to occupy something? Go occupy the previous two posts about Occupy Wall Street, that's what they are there for.

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  51. Much appreciated, and makes a better "stuck in my head" song than "Tomorrow" ever did.

    Now can you find something for our dear Tx. Representative Hensarling on the Super Duper Budget Committee? He's being especially obnoxious today. The Texas Corporate Team has their collective hand so far up his ass they can brush his teeth from the inside.

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  52. Try and imagine my embarrassment.
    I was commissioned "Admiral" in the Texas Navy by Gov. Bush in 1995 even though I voted for Ann Richards. Back in the 70's I voted for Bill Clements, even though I am a Democrat.
    Next thing I know, America elects a bumbling, corporate shill, Bush, as president and a full blown idiot is promoted Gov. Perry.
    Now all of my home state is giddy over this goofy clown running for president.
    31 years protecting these idiots and now I are one.
    Great post, Jim.

    ReplyDelete
  53. What was that you said about hats?

    Back to the Navy Dept meme (Jarheads, Squids, relative IQs...meh). A couple weeks after Pan Am 103 was destroyed the 22 MEU was ordered to prepare for an amphibious assault near Tripoli to attack a pesticide plant that Moammar bought from the Germans. Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and Raygun's desire for immediate retribution was called off; saving me and a couple thousand of my close friends from death by stupidity.

    At least we got past Reagan without lobbing nukes around. Then came Cheney, Rummy, Wolfie and that coke snorting, AWOL Texas ANG guy from Conn. A bunch of Saudis and a couple other non-Iraqis are allowed to board airliners and fly them into some buildings, killing the first 3000 Americans of the last GOP admin. Followed by >5k more service folks and a boat load of brown people sitting on top of our oil.

    As CWO Jim put it so well in his 21 Oct post on Qadhafi's respectful demise, good riddance. But for awhile there Moammar was Dubya's BFF and maybe finally a man Condie could cherish (cause Laura and her mother-in-law are not into sharing). But, he's dead now at the bargain price of a cool $billion and one beat up F-15E. (Both crew recovered by Marines, thank you very much. Oh alright, there are also sailors on the Kearsarge. (Trivia: Same boat that picked up Scott O'Grady))

    But I digress and extend. The prospect of enabling Rick Perry or any of the batch of GOP lunatics and morons running for Prez to have any sort of "finger on the button" moment is unattractive. In addition to a string of continuous foreign entanglements to kill even more brown people (and further enrich former P's and VP's), we at home would eventually have to fend off the Jesus police interrupting our quiet Sundays asking why we are not at church.

    As the Master Chief noted, after years of defending freedom and democracy as we practice it, it is a bit difficult not to be somewhat let down by the freak show.

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  54. Just a quick note concerning our current crop of Presidential wannabees.
    FEAR THEM!!!
    All of us who have served over the past 40 years know what a leader, supported by a fanatical religious following, can do to a country.
    Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and you betcha, the Mormans fall into that group.
    Every church is pushing their members to "GO OUT AND VOTE FOR THE B-I-B-L-E candidate.
    I am a solid Christian and I fear these assholes.
    You had better fear them and tell your neighbors to vote for truth.
    YELLOWDOG GRANNY can show you the difference between truth and lies, if you don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Jim, That was the funniest thing I've read since Douglas Adams passed away. You win the internet for best use of the phrase "serial buggery" in a blog post.

    On my last hitch, I had occasion to meet W and Perry on the same day. I was the PAO for NAS Corpus Christi, which had a Coast Guard station as a tenant command. They made a huge pot bust, so Gov. W and Lt. Gov Hairdo come down to speechify and grip and grin. W managed to malaprop his way through a 5-minute speech with 10 errors I could catch. Perry, working the crowd, walks past me as he gets done, looks at me resplendent in the dress whites of a PO1 and says, "Thanks Sarge." Some things never change . . .

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  56. Ha.

    Ha ha ha.

    Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    HA!

    Snerk.

    And a Tom Lehrer fan, huh? Just confirms for me your high intelligence and discriminating taste in tomfoolery.

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  57. Jim, I truly love your posts. They make me think, they make me laugh, then in the comments we get "The Care and Feeding of Trolls." I think this one is at least Sophomore level.

    I love how they announce themselves. "Hello, my name is Anonymous. Im an absolute idiot. Here's we're Im wrong..."

    ReplyDelete
  58. Ballad of Gingrich the Newt (as sung) for anyone interested... lol
    http://www.myspace.com/video/writch/austin-lounge-lizards-sing-gingrich-the-newt/35083568

    ReplyDelete

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