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Saturday, January 26, 2013

If The Constitution Was Written Today

This post first appeared on Stonekettle Station on June 12, 2011.

Since the reelection of a certain dark skinned gentleman and the start of the most recent gun debate, I’ve seen a massive uptick in web searches for rewriting the US Constitution so as to make Christianity a specific requirement for citizenship, gun ownership an explicit right granted directly from Jesus, force the removal of a certain undesirable segment of the population who likes to hug bunnies and eat tofu, and install a Genuine American in the White House.

This trend both amuses and appalls me.

I try to avoid recycling too many posts, especially the humor ones, but this bit seems like it might be worth updating. Rather than repost it, I’ve made a few changes and moved it to the front of the blog timeline complete with the original comments. //Jim


The Constitution of the United States of AWESOME!!!!!
Version 2, 2013

The Preamble

We the PATRIOTIC naturally born CHRISTIAN conservative ENGLISH speaking patriots of the awesomely exceptional GOD blessed United States of Awesome!!!! … in Order to form a bunch of states that have their own laws and do whatever the hell they want without regard to a central government (but in no way resemble that sissy European Union) … establish JUSTICE for people who look and think just like us … insure domestic Tranquility by deporting all the people we don’t like … provide for the common defense contractor, eliminate any and all social programs, and secure the Blessings of JESUS and Wall Street unto our exceptional selves and to hell with wussy future generations, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of By GOD America!!!!

Alternatively, instead of this preamble, Americans may just misquote a bunch of random stuff from the Declaration of Independence and/or made-up quotes attributed to Ben Franklin that they find on the Internet.

Amen.

The Middle Part

(That Nobody Reads Anyway Except for Stupid Liberal Judges who hate AMERICA)

The Government of the United States of AWESOME will be made up of three parts: The President, Jesus … and some other stuff.

The President must be a born again white guy from TEXAS or OHIO who believes in JESUS!!! and can trace his ancestry back to the Mayflower … he should have some kind of law degree but not from one of those fancy elitist colleges full of stinky Liberals who hate America, he must be a man of the people whose family lives in some kind of “compound” or “Estate” and owns at least one major defense contractor or a bank, he must have started his own Fortune 500 hundred company, served in war or have a minimum of two draft deferments, was an astronaut or fighter jock, was director of the CIA, a former governor, is an ordained Baptist minister, and can leap over tall buildings in a single bound, also he should be humble too. Also, he must believe in JESUS!!!!! Also he should have gray hair, but the distinguished kind of gray not that creepy old guy gray, and he should be tall but not freakishly so, he should always wear a little flag pin on his lapel and he should be able to JUGGLE or do a funny dance at BBQ’s. Also he should own a boat or a baseball team. Also, his wife should be HOT and love AMERICA and hate Muslims and eat meat and pie (NO Salad!). Also she should be HOT, like cheerleader hot and have a girl job (No LAWYERS!) like making brownies and babies and stuff like that.

Congress should work for free and PRAY a lot … Also they should call each voter (but not during dinner or the game) and ask how to vote on each bill! They should make laws and speeches and stuff that makes JOBS but no taxes or regulations. Also we should have like, roads and airports and big wall across Mexico and some stuff like that, and it shouldn’t cost us anything because it’s, like, PATRIOTIC.

Judges should always pray to the Ten Commandments before making any ruling!!!!!!

We should have a big honking military made up totally of Navy SEALS and MARINES and Stealth Bombers who blow up brown people and go around saving the world … Also, Soldiers must either die heroically or come home perfectly OK and go to work in a car factory so that they don’t cost us anything and we don’t have to listen to that sissy liberal crap about how we owe them VA benefits and shit! They get a parade, that’s all the Greatest Generation got and they were GRATEFUL and totally humble and not all screwed up … Also, they should keep their uniforms and put them on and march in 4th of July Day Parades and be AWESOME, and then never mention their service for the rest of the year because that makes us feel guilty about how we spent all of Vietnam serving in the Young Republican 82nd Draft Deferment Brigade of Patriotic Americans For Patriotism.

Screw cholesterol!!!!!

Also, we officially hate France, homosexuals … and Al Gore…

That’s pretty much it. The states will take care of everything else because STATE governments are super awesome and always do exactly what we say in a totally AWESOME manner that we approve of….

The Bill of Righteousness:

1. Right: Guns, Jesus!!!! plus Guns. And Jesus. Also, guns that fire Jesus bullets.

2. Wrong: Brown People, Red People, Yellow People, Poor People, Homeless People, Gay People, Female People, Foreign People, Handicapped People, Hungry People, Sick People, Liberal People, Moderate People, Progressive People, People Who Don’t Love Jesus, People Who Drive Too Slow In the Fast Lane, Electric Cars, Tofu, and the French.

This Constitution is perfect and totally AWESOME and always will be for all generations, forever. Period. Americans will consider this document holy writ handed down directly from GOD to Moses who gave it directly to Thomas Jefferson personally. Jesus then blessed Ben Franklin’s Glock and told him that all REAL Americans have the inalienable right from their AWESOME creator (GOD!) to rise up in armed rebellion against the government any time they feel scared by black people. Or Latinos. Or Liberals. Basically, whenever, because TRUE Americans love America enough to blow it up and live in a bunker. That’s freedom! All true Americans are born with complete knowledge of the Constitution printed on their brain directly by Jesus and anybody who disagrees is a filthy beret wearing communist homosexual who probably drives a Prius and eats tofu made from aborted Babies. Also, Nazis.

Signed,

John AWESOME Hancock.

123 comments:

  1. I would comment, but my head just blew up.

    Seriously, there's a special kind of crazy shared by Yahoo commenters.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the random caps. It adds a sense of excitement.

    I guess I should be happy that PET brought the constitution to Canada in '82 or who knows what crap - uh I mean excitement - we would have gotten.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good thing I alway don my Kevlar helmet when I read Stonekettle Station. Otherwise, my forehead would be flattened like a pancake.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey, John!
    You forgot copious references to the AWESOMENESS of Ronnie Raygun! He was just the BESTEST president ever, and proved that deficits don't matter (only for REPUBLICAN presidents and Congresscritters, not for those damned DEMONCRITS!) and he was obviously a SECOND COMING OF JEEBUS!!

    no charge for the correction, my pleasure.

    knittingbull

    wv: dembr-elitist spelling of "dumber"

    ReplyDelete
  5. You left out a couple of things.

    1. Every state can declare the constitution unconstitutional with either a simple majority vote or by polling the membership of the three most exclusive country clubs in the state.

    2. Free bomb shelters for everyone!

    3. Farm subsidies, DAMMIT. It'll be figured by owned acreage (what's actually planted makes no difference). And the amount you get goes up geometrically based on the amount of acreage you own. And since there aren't any more taxes, it gets paid for by "licensing fees" paid by anyone who wants to call their shit "organic". They're a bunch of fucking fairies anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I really need to learn to put down the tea cup before reading here. Or cover the keyboard and screen. Waste of a good Earl Grey, dagnabit.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kerry & Nathan's additions, hahahaha!

    Jim, thanks for the knee-slapping belly laugh in our house today. YOU!!!!!!! are AWESOME!!!! (I'm positive Jeebus would agree.)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jesus was American?

    I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He was born in Bethlaham (Pa.)

      Delete
  9. Jesus founded America, right after he threw a quarter across the Mississippi and warned the Redcoats we weren't gonna be givin up our guns. Or something. Whatever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An' that's all she wrote! Don't need eny a that fancy lawyer talk.

      Delete
  10. And.... We don't need no stupid scientists either!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You know, I was all, wow, this is pretty good irony and shit until I got to the "People Who Drive Too Slow In the Fast Lane" and then I was all Fuck Yeah.

    Plus, we wouldn't want to make the Jebus cry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, Dinosaurs ridden by Jeebus only in the fast lane

      Delete
  12. You know, I keep meaning to install a third party comment manager, but that's a lot of work fraught with risk of blog implosion - I'm tempted to do it though, just so I can add a "Like" button to Steve Buchheit's comment.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Just great. Thanks for the laughs (otherwise I'd cry)
    Jim

    ReplyDelete
  14. The fact that the Bible was written in English (as spoken by Adam and Eve) proves that Jesus is American. Just don't ask for his birth certificate.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The comments are "almost" as much fun as reading your blogs are!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Holy crap. One time it was all explained to me by a dimwit ...
    God wants it this way:
    First, GOD!
    Second, The Family (headed up by a man with a subservient woman and children by his side)
    Third: The Church.

    Apparently, things are really out of whack what with the perception by evangelicals that the government shouldn't in any way help its citizens. This is the role of the church. Secondly, feminists have really turned the "male as head of the home" upside down and we will all rot in hell until this is fixed. Thirdly, the United States is an "exceptional" country that GOD has "shined His light on thee" and we all better get the hell in line before He shows His very "powerful wrath."

    Man, I pray for the rapture so these idiots exit our lives.

    There is no joy in this worldview, only a sick paternalism guided by a twisted view of Christianity.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I realize it doesn't live up to your level of social commentary, but your post reminded me of Joe Martin's "U.S. Constitution -- First Draft" comic, which reads (with appropriate strike-thrus), "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, meet girls, establish justice, get drunk, insure domestic tranquility, sleep late, provide for the common defense, fish and hunt all we want, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to our handsome selves ...."

    ReplyDelete
  18. "must have started his own Fortune 500 hundred company, served in war, was an astronaut or fighter jock, was director of the CIA, a former governor,"

    you left out the 'not' preceding 'served in war'.

    lachirug - very expensive single malt.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Jumpin' Jeebus Jim
    Now you've got me shakin' like a leaf. And my buddy is hiding up a tree cuz under your new Constitution he'll surely fall into the category of "WRONG". You see, he's a triple dipper, a Feathered People, a Colored People and a Foreign People all at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Needs more Jesus. And cowbell.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You are pee-your-pants hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm with Steve. I don't have a problem with People Who Drive Too Slow In The Fast Lane winding up on the 'wrongs' list.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, I have no problem with people who drive too slow in the slow lane winding up on the wrongs list. There is nowhere else to go to get around the nose-pickers who're driving too slow in the fast lane. Taxi drivers can keep up with the flow; if you can't, it might be that pedestrianism is your thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dammit! You cain't talk 'bout my religion (Pedestrianism) that way! Jeebus wuz a Pedestrian, 'cept when He rode on an ass.

      Delete
  24. Some day I will learn to go tinkle before I open your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm going to have to start selling Stonekettle Station commemorative adult diapers. I'll be rich!

    ReplyDelete
  26. With freedom and liberty to all, and to all a good night.

    ReplyDelete
  27. As far as the fast/slow drivers go,
    I am temporarily over here in a civilized country, (you can tell by the passenger trains and traffic circles) and I was just noticing today how everything from speedy cars, sputtering ancient citroens, scooters and bicycles along with huge articulated trucks somehow manage to share these narrow twisty cow paths turned into roads, without undue screaming and splattering. One thing I noticed for sure is that there is very little time spent NOT actively driving when on the road, they pay attention and everybody adapts to the flow around them. Live and let live and give a little thought for the other guy, It works.

    ReplyDelete
  28. People Who Drive Too Slow In The Fast Lane* are obviously Communistic fascists, and need to be
    deported immediately. They are impeding the flow of commerce that makes this nation EKSSEPSHUNUL!

    JEEBUS! Also, too. With NUTS!

    wv: fersio-socialistic eyetalienne cars driven by
    PWDTSITFL, asshats.

    knittingbull

    ReplyDelete
  29. OMFG (that's 'flippin' and not the other f'n word)...it's the middle of the night and I'm trying to be quiet so as to not wake the tiny terrorist and the husband...and do you know how hard it is to try to laugh hysterically without making a sound?!?!? Good lord almighty.
    That was beautifully eloquent, and I can't wait to share it with the hubby. May just have to go wake him up right now...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Laughing to keep from crying. Man...

    ReplyDelete
  31. LMBO!!! Try reading that from the Valley Girl point of view, with the Valley Girl accent! Oh My GOD!!!

    Your head will explode!

    ReplyDelete
  32. What do we do about the Statue of Liberty? I came fro FRANCE!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, we just wrap that bitch in AMerican-made red white and blue bunting and everybody will forget she is an immigrant....just like we already forgot that most of us came from somewhere else, too!

      Delete
    2. Do you mean the bunting that is labeled "Made in China", or the bunting that is labeled "Made in Pakistan"

      Danny

      Delete
  33. Jesus Christ I hate this country.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Jesus and God didn't use a weapon and I am sure he wouldn't or use a gun in 2011! Using religion in your constitution and professing it is Hypocritical. When the USA Constitution was written is was met for those time and met to change as time change. That is why we have 3 branches of Government.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I think you might be missing the whole point of this point there, Anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I saw the link to this on facebook and took a look. I read your bio first and was about to close it. I wasn't expecting this much funny this close to the truth. It's so close to what so many of the small-minded lemmings of this country think that it's scary. I'm one of those "triple-dippers" someone mentioned. Some of my ancestors paved "The Trail of Tears", while others waited in line at the southern border to come in legally. Then on my mom's side they jumped on a big screwy-driven thingy and signed their names in some sort of book under a huge greenish-colored statue thing supposedly sent over by dem Froggy's.

    As I was reading it, I kept thinking to myself that this shouldn't be seen by anyone that supports Teapublicans, they'll think it's the real thing.

    Bravo Zulu CWO,
    from AEAT3 Aguilar
    VP-9/VP-91

    ReplyDelete
  37. Dear Jim--

    I love you! (I am not a stalker--honest--but I do enjoy using obsessively excessive exclamation points!!)

    XXXOOO

    ReplyDelete
  38. Jim, you always put a smile on my face, and despite your true mean I think on of the ideas put forth in this new constitution was absolutely brilliant, I like the idea of an all Marine and SEAL military. It makes me feel fuzzy in all the right places

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sheila, who isn't lurking todayJanuary 27, 2013 at 7:42 AM

      I'm not so sure that I'd like that idea. I'm all for having dolphins in the Coast Guard, since they seem to be good at rescuing swimmers. But seals? While they're certainly as smart as your average zoomie, you'd have to do some serious retrofitting to enable a pinniped to be able to handle the control stick of an F-16.

      Delete
  39. It was like totally AWESOME, man, and the way it shoulda been writin'. It probably was writin' this way, but some elite liberal commie pinko jerk probablee changed it. I'm super stoked that the truth came out! Im gonna celbrate the truth wid a case of beer!! RIGHT ON DUDE! JESUS IS KEWL!!

    Hehe fooled you didn't I? What's scary is that I believe this could be possible if the bizarre extreme reich wing gets into office!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Nailed it!

    I'd like to see one from the other side of crazy.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I love it! And, my plane leaves for Canada in the morning. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh, my ... my head just 'sploded. How could it possibly get any better than this? Thanks for bringing this one back, updated for the new term ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I'd like to sign up for the commemorative diapers, please.

    (Will those also help with the "AO" part of the "LMAO" reaction? Because if not, maybe you should invent something to cope with that, too. Being as how it's all your fault and all.) :D

    ReplyDelete
  44. I have given up on political and religious commentary. Thank you for doing it for me...carry on!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Looks like the city charter from Greater Tuna, TX. Except Didi Snavely would probably have put more weaponry and more religion in.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Jim, you're a fraud, and plagarist.
    Every time I've checked in to see what Sean Hannity is up, or is that down too, he has said just that.
    Well except for the driving slow in the fast lane thing... and Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
  47. And the 'Lectral College is totally gay, unless we can rig it so black people's votes don't count, also people from New York, in which case it is so not gay that it would make the Virgin Mary beg it to have another haploid baby. Unless that mean sex this time. In which case no.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damnit! We should have included that. Too bad we made it so we can't change anything. Rats!

      Delete
    2. Apparently, Virginia is trying just that...
      http://prospect.org/article/virginia-republicans-move-forward-mass-disenfranchisement

      Delete
  48. Hey, *I* have a problem with people who drive too slow in the fast lane.

    Also, I am baking brownies right now. No, really, I am. They smell amazing. But I am writing computer code with my other hand, so that probably makes me one of them damn elitist libruls.

    Also, Nazis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There should be a special room in Gitmo for those drivers...

      Delete
    2. How do you type that fast wearing oven mitts??

      Delete
  49. But its supposed to change with the times, so go right ahead and ad that. We could call it a change- thingy. That way we can use a language everyone unnerstans, not just those Eelitestest from the East Coast Liberel colleges.
    Also, Nazis.

    Beth

    ReplyDelete
  50. So full of win, you could say it's "Awesome!!!" Thanks for updating so I could share.

    Betsy

    ReplyDelete
  51. Great birthday present! Thanks for the laugh and something I can use Jim.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy Birthday. I hope you brought cake.

      Delete
    2. Enough for everybody. And none of that sissy cocoanut or anything that will get under my false teeth.

      Delete
  52. It may have been a whole lot funnier before these last couple of years have proven that WAY more people actually do think this way than I ever would've thought possible. Now it's still funny, but way scary too.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Nice piece. And speaking of pieces, the gunworshippers remind me of Pete Hutter from "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr."

    http://www.moviesoundclips.net/sound.php?id=171

    Henchman:"He touched Pete's piece!"
    Another Henchman:"Nobody touches Pete's Piece!"
    Pete Hutter:"You're touching my piece Kansas."

    NaluGirl

    ReplyDelete
  54. I read each of your posts several times because they are awesome, hilarious and full of things I wish I had come up with. You have a way with words.

    Although your posts are hilarious; they are sadly so true as to how crazy and delusional some people are. Bang bang crazy

    ReplyDelete
  55. So Jim...
    I was reeling from drinking a whole pot of coffee late last night and got to thinking about rights and wrongs and ups and downs and lefts and rights...and Yes, Nazis....
    And what popped into my head was all of these Sheriffs that have decided that they are the ultimate arbiter of the consatushun and are going to arrest Federal Officers when they come riding in to impound weapons on their black unicorns, and this just kind of fell out into the faceword interpipe thingy:

    Constitutional Quiz:
    14th Amendment, Section 3:
    "No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability."

    Frame this in current events, and with a literal reading of the Section, explain who you think might be at peril from this Section.

    I'm thinking of the supreme irony of those who are waving the constitution around stepping in their own spring traps and having to gnaw their own legs off. Such as Local officials (...judicial officer of any State) who are espousing outright defiance and yes, insurrection against the very constitution that they claim to be defending....on a number of issues.

    Let's say that you are a law enforcement official, like a Sheriff or a sworn Deputy in some area; who by definition is an officer of the court and in my understanding of it, a judicial officer of your State. You have taken an oath of office where you swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States.

    Let's say that you have declared publicly and loudly that you will not enforce or comply with a Federal action, in this case, gun registration or regulation, and that you will arrest and prosecute any Federal Officer that enters your jurisdiction in that regard.

    The question here is not whether any such Federal action has taken place or will EVER take place.

    The question is whether your statement of defiance, intent to interfere in the action in violation of Federal Law, and threat to arrest Federal Officers is insurrectionist, and whether the inclusion of any other persons in your action constitutes a conspiracy to commit insurrection.
    It looks to me that it is.

    And if it is, does that put you in a position of being stripped of your office or authority under Section 3 of the 14th amendment, which is the law of the land?

    But what if your oath of office had no specific language or vow in regards to Protecting and Defending the Constitution Of The United States? Under what authority do you claim to protect and defend a document that you have not sworn to do?

    And if you are charged with being, and found to be, insurrectionist and stripped of your commission for being so, and if you agree that criminals should not be able to purchase or by some means acquire firearms...are you ready to surrender yours and be barred from owning one in the future?

    I'm not a constitutional lawyer by any means, but logic seems to make this an interesting conundrum.

    I find this to be highly ironic.

    Comment? (full disclosure, I own a couple of weapons myself)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm, if what you say is true, we would lose more than half our elected officials here in Arizona.
      Wait, that would be a good thing. R-AZ is an essential part of crazy.

      NaluGirl

      Delete
    2. Aww Man - That's just too much work. Any elected, non-elected or citizen's militia members wearing a gun as a symbol of real America and JESUS (and as a penis extension or replacement) amongst weak and worthless ant-gun libruls, should do whatever they need to do to uphold the vision of America existing in their heads.

      Until the point of course when SWAT, FBI HRT or Nat'l Guard arrive to bring the situation under control. Nothing says "free will" and NRA patriotism like being terminally retired by higher authority wielding a Remington .308. WOLVERINES!!!!! Tommy D

      Delete
    3. Would that nullify all of the congrissvarmits that signed Norquist's pledge as he is not part of any of the constitutionally recognized branches of government? Pretty please....make it so!

      Delete
    4. On a serious note, many on the far right reject the 14th Amendment as an unnecessarily harsh and punitive measure against the South for seceding (Of course that goes to the "picking and choosing" what parts of the Constitution they wanted to follow that got them into trouble in the first place). Discussing the 14th with them is almost always problematic because they utterly reject it (and often have not read it). So that is one of the reasons that they were so exercised by the "14th Amendment option" idea regarding the debt limit.

      Delete
  56. This would be funny except that it's so terribly, eerily true... Yipes!!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Jim - -
    Perhaps you're prescient, but this is exactly what would happen if a "Constitutional Convention" for the purpose of proposing amendments was called today.
    The Articles of Confederation can't be far behind, eh ??

    ReplyDelete
  58. So glad I have your blog to read. So sad it's usually so reflective of the truth. ;-(

    Keep em coming, especially when they are just as true the second time around.

    ReplyDelete
  59. The flagrant use of capitals and exclamation points nearly made me snort my coffee 'cause it was so AWESOME!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  60. "... is an ordained Baptist minister, ..."

    Well - at least he can still be gay.

    JC

    ReplyDelete
  61. Wow, Jim, this is so good. Plus it's going to drive the trolls and spammers absolutely nuts 'cause they can't get through the comments barrier.

    AWESOME!!!! (I also love to overuse exclamation points!!) ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  62. Aw, man. That's all I need, another AWESOME blog that I now have to read every single post of. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  63. Are you psychic, or did you see this before re-posting?
    Proposed law to force AZ students to individually take a loyalty oath in order to receive their HS diploma.

    http://www.azleg.gov//FormatDocument.asp?inDoc=/legtext/51leg/1r/bills/hb2467p.htm&Session_ID=110

    Be it enacted by the Legislature of the State of Arizona:
    Section 1. Title 15, chapter 7, article 1, Arizona Revised Statutes, is amended by adding section 15-701.03, to read:
    15-701.03. Graduation requirement; constitutional oath
    Beginning in the 2103-2014 school year, in addition to fulfilling the course of study and assessment requirements prescrived in this chapter, before a pupil is allowed to graduate from apublic high school in this state the principal or head teacher of the school shall verify in writing that the pupil has recited the following oath:
    I, _________, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES AGAINST ALL ENEMIES, FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC, THAT I WILL BEAR TRUE FAITH AND ALLEGIANCE TO THE SAME; THAT I TAKE THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, WITHOUT ANY MENTAL RESERVATION OR PURPOSE OF EVASION; AND THAT I WILL WELL AND FAITHFULLY DISCHARGE THESE DUTIES; SO HELP ME GOD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've got to be kidding me.

      I rarely use the word fascism in anything other than mocking jest, but this is damned close.

      Delete
    2. It's real --

      HB 2467
      Introduced by
      Representatives: Thorpe(R-6), Borrelli(R-5), Seel(R-20), Shope(R-8), Smith(R-11), Dial(R-18), Livingston(R-22), Senator Crandell(R-16)

      It is incredibly stupid. I think it may really be aimed at those g** d*** illegals comin' over here an' stealin' an education. But it's enough to make your eyes bleed.

      Delete
    3. Seriously, Arizona?!!

      There are no words. At least none that aren't curse words or obscenities ... Except maybe Wow. Just. Wow.

      Nah, still doesn't cut it.

      Delete
    4. It's basically the military officer's oath, with the section on obeying the orders of the president and military regulations removed.

      The thing is, the officer's oath and the oath taken by national office holders cannot be coerced. You cannot force somebody to take the oath - that's the part about "freely and without mental reservation." Enlisted folks can be drafted and forced to take the oath of enlistment, but not officers and not office holders - that's why the enlisted oath doesn't have a line about "freely and without mental reservation." If you take the officer's oath and it turns out that you do have mental reservations (such as you suddenly decide you don't like the president so you won't follow his orders), then you can go to jail for a long time - or face the firing squad in time of war.

      So how do you make high school kids take a loyalty oath? Or any average citizen?

      I don't see how anything like this could be considered constitutional in any way whatsoever. Like the officer's oath, is it supposed to be legally binding? I don't see any way whatsoever that you could enforce it - not without something like fascism replacing US jurisprudence for the civilian population. And even if you could, you're placing federal restrictions on citizens of Arizona that are not applied outside the state (the quoted oath above demands loyalty to the United States, not to the State of AZ).

      If it's not intended to be legally binding, then why bother? What's the point?

      Delete
    5. So how does this bit: "before a pupil is allowed to graduate from apublic high school in this state"

      Fit with this bit:

      I TAKE THIS OBLIGATION FREELY

      ??????????

      Was this law drafted by a stand-up comedian? Or just a bully. That's rhetorical.

      Delete
    6. Nope, that's just Arizona, home of the legislature dominated by the tea party crazies. For example:

      1. One week after Gabrielle Giffords and the others were shot in Tucson, the lege voted on the official state gun.

      2. You can take a tax credit of $200-400 if you donate to a public school, and one of $1000-2000 if you donate to a private school.

      3. Anyone can conceal-carry now without a permit, and most places are barred from making people leave their guns outside, even bars.

      4. The legislature allows members to carry their guns in the Capitol, but the public may not, which results in stories like this:

      "Republican Sen. Lori Klein was showing off her raspberry-pink handgun when she aimed it at a journalist who was interviewing her in the lounge just outside the Senate chambers.

      According to the story that was published Sunday in the Arizona Republic, Klein's .380 Ruger was loaded and did not have a safety to keep the gun from going off.

      But Klein told the reporter, Richard Ruelas, that he didn't need to worry because, 'I just didn't have my hand on the trigger.'"

      And then she pointed it at the wall.

      R-AZ is the center of crazy.

      NaluGirl

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    7. The center cannot hold.

      Delete
    8. I just checked, as that oath sounded -REALLY- familiar. It is word for word the oath I took when I became a DoN civilian employee, some ah 35 years ago. (5 U.S.C. §333)
      Ralph

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    9. Would today's new Constitution include a provision that all schools be "apublic"? I' m hoping that typo appears in the actual draft of the legislation - can't trust them private-school kids!

      Bruce

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    10. Jim - it's the other way around. The oath quoted for AZ graduates IS the officer's oath that I took (I'm an ex Army CPT - 82d Abn Division). It's the enlisted oath that includes the words "that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to the Uniform Code of Military Justice". The "So help me God" is optional.

      I actually googled this to make sure it was for real. That's how bizarre it sounded.

      So the question would be - what would it mean? These oaths go along with a particular position. For a member of the military the wording makes perfect sense. But to graduate from HS - just what are you "signing up" to here?

      It can't possibly work this way when they are holding your HS diploma hostage to you reciting an oath. That hardly fits the bill of being taken freely, without...."

      Delete
    11. Urf. Right. I was a Mustang. Sixteen years enlisted, eight as an officer. I took both oaths, and administered them, more times than I can remember. My brain mashed the two oaths together. Thanks for correcting my statement.

      That said, the basic gist is correct, officers cannot be coerced, enlisted can. I don't see how you can legally force kids to take this oath without either enlisting them or resorting to fascism. You're right, it's bizarre.

      Delete
    12. Remember though, this is Arizona you're talking about. Does anybody actually graduate in that state?

      Delete
  64. I have a comment that is not in relation to the article you posted, but I want to send it to you and do not care if it is published. I just received a letter from a woman in the West. Mother Jones printed an article about her titled... Fracked Beef: It's Whats for Dinner.

    She lives on a ranch that she has been her life. It is near where fracking operations are. She has become terribly ill with ever manner of toxic chemical there is. She has been seen by the toxicologist who worked with the Gulf oil spill. She has been told she will die if she remains there. There is no fracking on her ranch, but the surrounding air is so polluted, that her cattle are dying, her dogs are already dead. For three years she has been trying to get the word out and get someone to care. State health department tells her there is no problem, yet radioactive material is being dumped on the land. The EPA is stringing her along as they allow the companies doing this to continue.

    She can no longer drink her water, neither can her neighbors. People are dying of cancer at a high rate and freinds and relatives are killed all the time, by huge trucks driving up and down the road, 24/7, stirring up so much toxic dust that the cattle that are still alive have it dripping out of their noses. People just keep dying as the government tells them nothing is wrong... it is just evil. This needs more publicity. She is running out of energy from the toxic overload in her body.

    This nightmare is about to start in my state, NC. Nothing will stop our Repub governor. He has given his entire cabinet huge raises and cut funds for people out of work. The attitude is going to end up killing the nation. We will be eating beef from these areas and probably already are. Cattle are raised to sell and ranchers have to survive.

    These toxic chemicals travel for miles. We shared the earthquake that came form Pennsylvania... two of my neighbors wells were damaged from it... it sounded like a semi running through my land... and I live on the border of South Carolina.

    This nation has become so vile, so greedy so out of touch with decency. I just think this would be a topic, which deserves attention. I thank you for all you do and wish you well, in all things.

    Cairnmommy

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    Replies
    1. Oh Cairnmommy you don't understand, those selfless people in the fracking industry only want to provide JOBS. Maybe the environment is deteriorating, but at least there will be JOBS. You shouldn't worry about your state, because all those JOBS will be coming to your community. And we should not worry about our food supply because at least we will all have JOBS. And earthquakes, bah, what's an earthquake compared to all those JOBS.

      NaluGirl

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  65. Nazis but no abortion - got to be abortion in the constitution

    ReplyDelete
  66. "Also, Nazis."

    Yes! Thank you. We....errr....they got honorable mention!

    ReplyDelete
  67. Just read previous post on spamming. Starting biz with web and was wondering how effective that weird word thingy was. Now I know! Thanks Jim. MyTwo Cents

    ReplyDelete
  68. Hi,
    Polite comment
    Your "insure" ought to be "ensure", unless it was a sly comment on the way many people on the internet exhibit a poor grasp of English.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another polite comment Mr. O&#39 (If that IS you name). Nothing sly about it, "exhibit" should be "possess" a poor grasp of English. Points though for the thoughtful and even handed approach to stating the obvious - These people are fucking Morans! Tommy D

      Delete
    2. Sorry, but exhibit is correct here, since neither you nor I can actually say what level of competence a person actually possesses. While it's really hard to write above your competence level, writing below it is no problem, after a little practice. Sometimes I think the worst, most egregious comments around the internet are done by people who can write very well, thank you, but go for irritation points, just to see how much they can hijack a thread.

      And, btw, my use of commas is my own and will occasionally be in line with standard practice, in case you were wondering....

      Ann C.

      Delete
  69. Thanks, Jim. Funny bud sad that so many fellow citizens might read clapping their hands thinking it was all serious.

    Smooth sailing, shipmate.

    Old Navy Comm O

    PS Sadly, new procedures do not allow me to comment from my iPad (or my computer) using Safari. The comment just disappears whenever I try o preview or publish. Firefox seems to work from my computer. I will try the Puffin browser from the iPad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had that happen with Firefox. I've learned the hard way to copy my comments before clicking "publish" or "preview". If the text disappears, then I can just paste back the vanished text. Try it- for me, it saves what little hair I have left.

      Delete
  70. Ah, I see you've met some of my friends... or maybe not FRIENDS so much as people in my small home town. Thanks for a good laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Officer Wright, I love you with all my heart, so please take this petty comment in that spirit.

    "If the Constitution WERE Written Today."

    (Subjunctive mood. As in, "If I were King of the Forest," which obviously, you are.)

    Scrolled through the earlier comments hoping not to be the first English-teaching pain in the ass, but alas.

    Other than that, you rock the world, but I can't sit by and let you not be perfect. Too late to help the Beatles or Nirvana, but love you too much to let you Was instead of Were (in a hypothitical, if only kind of situation).

    Every blessing. Please don't hit me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KING OF THE FOREST, baby, that's right, uh huh uh huh.

      Delete
    2. Is you is or is you aint?

      Delete
  72. I have to say, there's one piece of that rewrite that I'd like to put into effect right now, the one that says, "Congress shall work for free..." They can PRAY a lot if they want to, it's a free country. Or so they say. But apart from that clause I think I'll stick with the original.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Here is a piece from the NYer that fits along with this:
    http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/shouts/2012/10/the-republican-garden-of-eden.html

    ReplyDelete
  74. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  75. Jim, your take isn't too far off from some shit that is already circulating in the sewer otherwise known as the looony right. Check this out: https://www.facebook.com/notes/give-me-liberty/a-bill-of-augments/142205152534913.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A fine example of the Christiban.

      NaluGirl

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  76. Were you recording my co-workers?

    ReplyDelete
  77. You know that Tea Party Patriots would be creaming their pants if they'd read this, right?

    ReplyDelete
  78. *sigh* Arizona, the gunloon capitol of the world.......

    Phoenix office shooting: 1 dead; 70-year-old suspect identified

    Arthur Douglas Harmon, the suspect in the deadly Wednesday office building shooting, fled the scene in a white vehicle and fired shots at a witness who was giving chase, Phoenix police said.

    Sgt. Tommy Thompson said officers are now searching for Harmon’s 2013 Kia Optima, license plate AVS 2052, and that Harmon is considered armed and dangerous.

    He is suspected of shooting three people, one fatally, in an attack at a three-story office building at 7310 N. 16th Street. Three others were were taken to the hospital with unspecified injuries.


    http://www.azcentral.com/community/phoenix/free/20130130phoenix-office-shooting-abrk.html

    NaluGirl

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  79. Today in testimony in the august, serious Senate, the senior legislative branch of our beloved elected government, a woman actually said: "An assault weapon in the hands of a young woman defending her babies in her home becomes a defense weapon," said Trotter, a mother of six. "And the peace of mind she has ... knowing she has a scary-looking gun gives her more courage when she's fighting hardened violent criminals."

    Seems like a very effective argument. And she wasn't even wearing a camo bikini. Women with guns are always more accurate the less clothes they have on. Particularly when beating off several hardened criminals or zombies. Men on the other hand, do not improve their marksmanship while sporting a banana hammock. Tommy D

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    Replies
    1. Before I get pilloried for sexism or stereotyping armed ladies, trot on down to the local package store and pick up your own copy of "Tattoos, Ta Tas and Target Practice" or the more serious "Boobs and Ballistics." That is proof enough of my premise that naked women are more dangerous than naked men. Tommy D

      Delete
  80. It is a shame that you couldn't include the new and improved constitution sections proposed in your cell phone post.

    Danny

    ReplyDelete
  81. Sure would have made Con Law a lot more straightforward in law school!

    ReplyDelete
  82. I really like the part about "Who Drive Too Slow In the Fast Lane". Do you think we might have a chance to insert that in the next amendment?

    ReplyDelete

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