In the last post I gave notice of my intention to become Ultimate Emperor of the Universe, henceforth to be abbreviated UEU™ (spoken as “Hey, you!"). Well, as I’m sure most of you know, you can’t just take over the joint without having all the details worked out, otherwise chaos will result – and nobody wants that (you listening, Mr. President). In order to properly work out said details you need to scout the lay of the land, i.e. gather accurate and timely intelligence prior to commencement of actual military operations. It also helps if you know something about the people you intend to conquer…
1. Stupid is logarithmic (i.e. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups): Two stupid people are 100 times more stupid than one stupid person alone, three stupid people are 1000 times more stupid than one stupid person, four stupid people are 10,000 times more likely to get drunk and surf naked on top of pick-up trucks in an attempt to get on America’s Funniest Home Videos than just one stupid person, five stupid people are 100,000 times more likely to spontaneously become Scientologists than just one Hollywood actor by himself, and so on. Stupidity adds up pretty dammed quick. If you don’t believe me, plot the numbers on a graph for yourself, numbers don’t lie, it’s scientific.
1st Corollary, the bigger the stupid, the stronger the attraction (i.e. the overall attraction of stupid is proportional to the aggregate size of the stupid): If you put a McDonalds inside a Wal-Mart, ahhh then you’ve created something akin to Disneyland for booger-eating, mouth-breathing Rednecks. They’ll get up early and come from miles around, they’ll make a day of it, they’ll put on special T-shirts, and they’ll invite friends and welfare dependent relatives along too. In fact, the attractive properties of stupid are so strong that the stupid will be pulled right out of bed and into the store without time to don clothing – take a look around and count the number of pajama bottoms you see masquerading as pants.
2nd Corollary, the bigger the idiot, the stronger the attraction (i.e. politics): There is no politician stupid enough not to attract a following.
4. Stupid abhors a vacuum (it also abhors other household appliances): Just a little stupid will multiply until it fills every nook and cranny of an organization (sometimes referred to as the “Microsoft Law”). On
1st Corollary: Stupid is capable of spontaneous generation (or it seemed like a good idea at the time): Still using NASA as an example: if a big ole’ hunk of ice falls off the spacecraft during launch and slams into the fragile heat shielding tiles, then it makes perfect sense NOT to conduct a survey of the damage using an available photosat. Engineers are whiners, a real administrator knows that the best way to check for damage is to plunge the ship into Earth’s atmosphere at twenty times the speed of sound – I mean, seriously, that’s the only way to be sure. Don’t get me started on the O-rings or astronaut diapers.
And that will just about do it for today.