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Saturday, December 3, 2022

A Republic If You Can Tweet It!

 


GIVE ME HUNTER BIDEN DICK PICS OR GIVE ME DEATH!
-- Patrick Henry, MAGA, probably





As I noted elsewhere: I feel like the American education system has failed me.

It's true. 

Failed. Utterly failed. 

Because I honestly had no idea allowing washed up actor James Woods to post unlimited Hunter Biden dick pics to Twitter was the cornerstone of democracy. 

Had. No. Idea. 

None. 

It literally never came up once between kindergarten and a couple of college degrees.

So, I totally didn't know that. 

Imagine how embarrassed I am. 


Dick pictures, key to freedom, Folks!

Also, I spent 20 years in the US military. I took the oath as an enlisted man and later as an officer countless times. 

That oath comes from the Constitution. 

The Constitution. That's as American as it gets, right? 

And I totally can't believe the powdered wig wearing idiots who founded this country completely left out the part where the Republic will completely collapse unless we get advice on how to run civilization from self-proclaimed Nazis, White Supremacists, Confederates, seditionists, washed up actors, Incels, and Russian trolls in the town square.

I mean, what the hell, George Washington?

Hide the stuff that matters? 

You mean like Hunter Biden's dick? 

If his wang was that important to democracy, you'd think the Founding Fathers would have put a dong clause in the Constitution, right? 

At least mentioned it in passing? Carved it into Mount Rushmore or the Lincoln Memorial or something, right? 

Post more dick pics! For freeeeeeedom!

What? 

What's that? 

Oh, I see. The Lincoln Memorial didn't exist when America was founded by Jesus? 

Yeah, and Joe Biden wasn't president when his campaign asked Twitter to abide by their own rules, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be impeached for abusing the office he wasn't occupying at the time either dammit! 

Or something. 

I'm not really a Constitutional expert -- except on the internet, like everyone else. 


You're welcome.

Thanks to you for not serving. 

Whatever, look, here's the bottom line: even for a bunch of folks who thought women were livestock and black people were only 3/5s of a human being, it really does seem like a glaring oversight on the part of the Founding Fathers is what I'm saying here. 

Anyway...


You know, for a group that does nothing but complain about "groomers" these people sure do think about dick a lot. 

I hope they eventually find one that makes them happy. 

Moving on.

 


It's not about penis! It's much BIGGER! Wake up before you LOSE IT! 

Stop laughing you guys! 

It's like the tallywacker scene from Porky's


You know, at first I was a little disappointed Republicans took the House in the recent election.

No, no, I was. A little disappointed. A bit. 

But now? 

I gotta be honest: I'm excited Kevin McCarthy is going to be Speaker. 

I am. Excited. I really am. 

Because I am so looking forward to the House Special Select Committee To Investigate Hunter Biden's Dick Pictures. 

I wonder who they'll appoint as "Special Master?"

It'll have to be a real master debater...

Okay, that was a cheap shot, I know. I don't want to debase a debate run by people talking about dicks, how much they love Hitler, and currently supporting a candidate for congress who thinks the most pressing issue of freedom is whether it's better to be a vampire or a werewolf. 


Anyway, I imagine when it comes to investigating dick pictures, the list of Republican "expert witnesses" is going to be pretty extensive.

Kevin McCarthy be like: Okay, settle down! We're putting together a task force to investigate a major threat to National Security. And we're going to be looking at a lot -- a lot -- of pictures of male genitals on the Internet. Now, which one of you, yes, YES, I see you Congressman Gaetz, put your hand down, you too Congressman Jordan, besides those two, who else considers themselves an exper... Whoa, that many huh?

They'll probably have to set aside at least 3 days for Lauren Boebert's testimony alone.


First, they came for the dick pics, and I did not speak out -- because I was too busy watching Tucker Carlson and thinking about Hunter Biden's laptop

Then they came for vaccine deniers spreading misinformation, and I did not speak out -- because I was rage tweeting about Drag Queen Story Hour

Then they came for the election fraud conspiracy theorists, and I did not speak out -- because I was marching in the street with actual Nazis shouting Jews will not replace us and waving a Swastika flag

Then they came for me -- ha ha, just kidding, I'm a white allegedly straight Christian male in America, no one ever comes for me and in fact billionaires like Elon Musk buy social media platforms and give me a place to spew my bile and they call it free speech!













104 comments:

  1. The replies show just how pernicious the rot is. And how widespread. And this is hilarious.

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  2. I’m 100% dead. My ghost will be sharing this.

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  3. To quote an overused (whatever you call it): ROFL!! I mean, whoever dreamed 30 years ago that James Woods would become the dick pic sharing, far right meat head that he is now?
    And Hunter's laptop? Really? Who REALLY cares? I sure as hell don't.
    Oh yeah, and I was expect far more profanity from your blurb on FB. I'm actually a bit disappointed. :)

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    1. You should have heard him the other night on Fox (my husband makes us watch it occasionally to see what's going on with the crazies). He was totally despondent over his destroyed career, but very happy to maybe be relevant again 🤣

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    2. I can’t weight for repub lie can hearings on Hunter’s laptop. Bring It. Preez. 😂

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  4. Brilliant Jim, as usual. At least the House R circus can't do too much damage with a D Senate and President. What clowns.

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  5. You have a lot more patience than I do. I personally think that arguing (I won't denigrate the word 'debate' here) with randoms on Twitter is like teaching a pig to sing.

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  6. OMG , new meaning to the “Special Master” label!🤣🤣 PLEASE consider putting your essays together in a book in case we ever lose the internet!

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    Replies
    1. OMG... a book would be completely amazing! ❤️

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  7. I am 87 years old, a native of Grand Rapids, Michigan, with an undergraduate degree in Chemistry and professional degree in theology. I simply do not understand how ostensibly "educated" human beings can ingest, digest and then vomit such utter claptrap. The world is not *that* effing complicated! I am, however, grateful to you, Jim, for being the point of the spear in locating ("attracting"?) these crazies and putting them on display so that those of us with a still-functioning prefrontal cortex can be alerted to the danger. Thank you for your service (and I do not refer to the military here).

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    1. I am also from Grand Rapids but living in Jenison, MI now. I die a little each day.

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    2. I'm from Holland, I'm right there with you. Preparing to go to war with our incoming slate of county commissioners, and I've been in a war, so I'm not being flippant with the term. Stay strong friends.

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  8. You riled up the (m)asses there, Chief. And I imagine those selected were the best of the worst. I don't understand what the obsession is with Hunter Biden. He has made his share of mistakes, to be sure, but he isn't a threat to national security, hasn't broke any laws I can see (except using coke and if they rounded up everyone who took a sniff there would be very few people outside of jail.) He made some money off perhaps some dubious connections? Hello, Jared! If harassing Hunter Biden is all they have on the agenda then I hope those fucktards who voted Republican are happy when nothing gets done and millions of dollars are wasted on investigations that turn up nothing. Benghazi anyone?

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    Replies
    1. Great comment, Nikki B

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    2. I expect they’re hoping to actually kill Hunter’s father by hounding him at his ‘weakest’ point, his love of family. 😡

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    3. Or push HB to relapse.

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  9. You realize, of course, Republicans won’t understand the irony of what you’ve written,,,, they really DO want to focus on those dick pics….

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    1. Republicans CAN'T understand irony...I think it's the same thing that causes their broken sense of humor.

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  10. Jim, I am torn between raging into the night and laughing at the clown show the Republican House members will be presenting soon. I know our country has never really been normal, nor will it ever be until our history has been thoroughly and honestly digested, but I wish it were a little more normal than this. I’m still falling down the rabbit hole….

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  11. LMFAO............Damn that was brutal, Jim! That's some serious "panty bunching" right there!

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  12. Brilliant, completely bloody brilliant.

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  13. Good stuff here. Thanks

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  14. I can't believe this is where we are as a nation. I think we've reached a tipping point that we can't recover from.

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    1. Some of us have been saying we hit that tipping point some time back in 2018. At this point all we can do is eat popcorn and watch everything burn. (Well, and vote.)

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  15. I don't know how you cope with these idiotic, uneducated, arsicles Jim. My blood pressure would be off the scale! It seems to be a function of Social Media that idiot wankers are allowed to transmit their crap worldwide. Me, I don't use Twitter, but on Facebook ANY twat as argues Immunology with me when they have no qualification (I have a PhD), ANY twat as argues Military Flying with me when they hold no qualification (I have over 6500 hrs as a Royal Air Force Pilot and Qualified Flying Instructor), ANY twat as argues building cars with me (I run a business building and setting up Racing cars). goes STRAIGHT into Ignore. I can't be dealing with these 'See You Next Thursdays'!

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  16. From the bottom of my heart, sir: THANK YOU!

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  17. Yeah, well, just wait until they find out how much Hunter got from the Saudis prior to starting up his investment fund.
    Oh, wait…..

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  18. Not really a deep or thoughtful comment here, just need to say EEEEWWWW! Now I must go and apply brain bleach as dick pics are not high on my list of things that must be seen.
    It is mildly amusing how the brain trust on twitter lacks reading comprehension on such a deep level, of all of the pictures you have posted over the years, I do not recall even a mention of you posting a dick pic...maybe Mrs. Stonekettle knows?
    Thank you for this...I think

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  19. thank you what a bunch of morons will be in the House.

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  20. So they think I'd vote for Trunp because Hunter Biden took a picture of his Dick? Is that it?

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  21. You are a true gift! I can’t imagine putting up with this level of onslaught….thank you for your efforts!

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  22. I'm down under in Australia and when I read this stuff I am bloody amazed at how many bat shit crazy people there seems to be in the US. I don't know how you continue to deal with these people.

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  23. Reading this new version I felt as if your fingers must have flown over the keys to trying to keep up with your thoughts.

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  24. It is not only YOUR education that has failed. I didn't even KNOW about extraneous dick-pics and how important they were to our nation. You see, I actually studied the Constitution and how and why the various amendments were added. Imagine my surprise to find out that the entire document is based on dick-pics, lies, Q-cumbers, weird theories, Nazis and fascists. What a surprise!

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  25. The clues were all there, you have the picture of a dick on your $20 bills.

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  26. The hate mail is dazzling in its ignorance. I am dismayed that so many people in our nation (most of whom would publicly identify as Evangelical Christians) can be so viciously, deliberately ignorant. And they are teaching their children to walk in their footsteps. 😢

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  27. Hard to have hope these days.....but your writing and your photography help a great deal.

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  28. I think the Verge got it right with their title "Welcome to hell, Elon." https://www.theverge.com/2022/10/28/23428132/elon-musk-twitter-acquisition-problems-speech-moderation He's engaging in exactly the behavior that made Donald Trump what he is today, a disgraced former President that will probably soon be living off of the pension that he kept insisting he'd never need because he was so rich.

    Elon is nothing without Spacex and Tesla, and he didn't create any of the tech that is the signature of those two companies. He just provided the money, and that same money has put him in the hell that he is in now. There is no way out of this for him. Content moderation is a requirement of the job and no matter what content is subjected to moderation he's going to catch hell for moderating it. That is above and beyond the cost that will be taken out of him if he keeps spreading disinformation on Twitter himself. When the government cracks down on internet speech because the companies like Twitter refuse to do the job required to keep the chaos from spreading off the internet.

    Welcome to hell, Elon.

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  29. Nailed it. Yet again.

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  30. Can we please start living in NON-interesting times?

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    Replies
    1. I want to go find the timeline where Hillary Clinton won the 2016 election, and move there.

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    2. Instead we have the timeline where she lost because Comey was investigating Anthony Weiner's dick pics.

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  31. Dick pics eh. When did they start posting Nixon pics?

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  32. Man that was brutal, awesome but brutal.

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  33. How do you even? Because I can't
    Not without thinking maybe Thanos had a point.

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  34. The world has gotten meaner and stupider lately. They tried to make a big deal out of a blow job but can’t be bothered with stealing state secrets or armed rebellion. They’lll get what they want - a chance to examine hunter’s member in detail - and it’s going to explode in their faces!!

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  35. They sure picked a strange sword to fall on.

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  36. This great. Thanks again for showing us the absurdity of the GOP.

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  37. Andy Warhol *almost* got it right. In the future, everyone's dick will be famous for 15 minutes.

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  38. I’ve got to say I like this essay. I saw your tweet when it came out and the replies since. The absurdity is hilarious and sadly where half the country is. Shit.

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  39. "Free speech is the cornerstone of representative government. Sometimes that involves dick pics."
    -Guy on Twitter

    I gotta admit, that is one of the most amazing things I have read on the internet in a while. And to be fair, I can totally see someone from the left sincerely writing those exact lines, in a not-so-far-fetched situation involving Donald Trump's 4th term, a last ditch subpoena from Attorney General for the Week Chris Christie, and a response to an "if-we-only-knew-then" article about holding onto American Democracy, by George Will.

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  40. Kick there asses Jim!

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  41. Well said. I'm looking forward to the Congressional investigation that will establish whether or not the pics were indeed of Hunter's member. Obviously that's much more important than inflation, or whatever it was the Republicans were campaigning on.

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  42. We need something to appease those who long for pictures of male genitalia. Where's Anthony Weiner when we need him.

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    1. Or Bill. Wasn’t his described or sketched as evidence when they were after him back in ‘96?

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  43. Brilliantly woven, Jim Wright, as you do so well. I was laughing as I read this aloud to my husband. We both agree that you have a thick skin to have to deal with such lunatics as these Twitter fools. I find it so fascinating that they near always post under the protection of pseudonyms because I guess I'd be pretty dang embarrassed if I were posting garbage like that, too!!! All hale the Dick Pics -- at least we know the republic will survive. OMG!!!

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  44. Snerk!
    Oh, gods, that would be the something to have on your resume. "Umm, yes, I was Head of the Congressional Dick Pic Committee... "

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  45. I honestly don’t know how you put up with the idiots who post some of the rants about you except that they obviously have such an infinitesimal grasp of writing the English language that you, like I, are probably laughing before you can get to the end. Maybe I could get their “free speech” spews if they actually could speak the language, or at least write it so anyone could understand what the heck they’re nattering on about.

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  46. I found this highly amusing!

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  47. I freakin spit out my diet Mountain Dew on “They'll probably have to set aside at least 3 days for Lauren Boebert's testimony alone.” It almost made it out of my nose. Bwahahahaha!! And I’m sure this statement is true despite how funny it actually is. 🤣

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  48. Question. Wtf does Hunter Biden's dick or laptop or job or ANYTHING have to do with anything? I'm pretty sure Hunter Biden doesn't work with his dad, does he? I find this whole thing ridiculous.

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  49. I have been reading your enlightening and humorous posts for some time on FB and am overjoyed to be able to comment now on Stonekettle and also here on the blog. Also thanks for finding a way to avoid the FB puritians while still writing what must be said. I have been restricted for next to nothing and have considered removing FB but there are a few, including you my friend, that I would be sorry to miss. Please keep it up!!

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  50. I think the Repubs in control of the House are going to make such asses of themselves (not to mention the fun we're going to have laughing at the vicious infighting that's going to happen), gaining the majority for the Dems in 2024 is going to be a breeze.

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  51. I have been reading your enlightening and humorous posts for some time on FB and am overjoyed to be able to comment now on Stonekettle and also here on the blog. Also thanks for finding a way to avoid the FB puritians while still writing what must be said. I have been restricted for next to nothing and have considered removing FB but there are a few, including you my friend, that I would be sorry to miss. Please keep it up!!

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  52. thanks for the laugh I really needed it

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  53. It's very reassuring to know that the newly elected Representatives from the family values Party will soon be seriously addressing what they consider to be the most pressing issues that face "Real Americans" today. I'm confident that whatever is lurking in Hunter Biden's laptop will thoroughly delegitimize the Biden Administration, own the liberals, destroy the "Democrat" Party, and be a catalyst for Making America Great Again.

    The GOP has scoured the countryside and accumulated the best and brightest among them to represent them in Congress. Ah, the walls to be built, the refugees to be caged and deported, the guns to be purchased, the billionaires to be enriched, the social programs to be gutted, the Fourth Estate to be silenced, the disabled, minorities, gays and women to be put in their place. Can you imagine the excitement building in the hearts of every incel, every fundagelical, every conspiracy advocate as they proudly don their brown shirts and march towards their own lack of self-awareness?

    It's going to be beautiful and it's all thanks to Hunter Biden. Once the contents of this laptop are revealed to the world, the Wall will get built, all immigration will be eliminated, inflation will disappear, climate change will be criminalized, taxes will be eliminated, the police will be unnecessary, voting will be "properly" regulated, conformity will be mandatory, wokeness will be penalized, and all pick-up trucks will come standard with large flags extolling the political demagogue of the day.

    What could possibly go wrong with this vision of utopia?

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  54. We really shouldn't be surprised about this. GOP obsession with Democratic peen goes back to the Clinton investigation. In Blogtopia (TM the late great Skippy) we used to refer to "The Clenis." What shall we call this nonsense? The Engelberg Hunterdicks?

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  55. I was permanently banned from Twitter for posting tRump and Geraldo are man whores. But posting dick pics is okay. Erm....

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  56. So instead of “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi” it’ll be “Dick pics, Dick pics, Dick pics”
    How refreshing.!

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  57. Hit this by mistake😳

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  58. Thank you for a good laugh, my unexpected reward after a long day of intense work.

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  59. Greetings from Saint Petersburg Tractor Factory and Troll Farm #2!

    Yes, it is dick pix, but please to be calling them "wedding tackle", to protect little babies. Thanks you very much, tovaricsh.

    Oh, and most recent Stonekettle Station pen is strong like tractor, furrowing fields!

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  60. For a group fighting against “woke” they sure like telling people to “wake up” often

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  61. This was so good and funny. All I can think is here we go again. Apparently the republicans have not learned the lessons from their Clinton debacle.
    They are as useless as tits on a boar.
    There base is a bunch of uneducated, white supremacist, misogynist assholes. I am so sick of their lying, cheating, power mad, greedy, worthless leaders.

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  62. James Woods peaked 45 years ago, running down the road with his dick out after 2 hookers yelling rape in the movie Choir Boys. Scuze was pissed.

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  63. Last time I looked, as Hunter is not a part of his father's administration (apparently only Trump and the late Jack Kennedy do that), he is (and was) a private citizen and as such not a public figure (in the real world outside of MAGA-land). There's some interesting slander and libel issues here should he choose to pursue them.

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  64. Should that not be misrepresentation phallicy?

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  65. Yes the Democratic Party's campaign committee asked the Twitter guardians to abide by their rules. This is now spun as "Democrat (sic) Party FORCED Twitter to hide...."

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  66. I'm impressed that you can remain on twitter while it implodes.

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  67. I'm kind of bummed I deleted my Twitter account a couple of weeks ago, honestly. I mean, now that The Former Guy has decided we need to get rid of the Constitution, I'm missing all the basement-dwelling "Constitutional Purists" changing their profile pics from The Founders to--? I don't know. The Punisher? Again?

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  68. OMG! I have read this piece clear through 3 times and it makes me laugh out loud every time. I also find new things to laugh about. It takes me back to those golden days in 2016 when Trump got the Republican candidates to talking about how big their dicks were. So really we've come full circle. Started with talking about dicks and here they are sharing pictures of dicks. I'm going to bookmark this page so that I can come back to it and laugh about the time when fascists were open about their love of dick. We should NOT construe this with them showing support of the LGBTQIA community. It is kind of funny that their leader is one of the biggest dicks in all of history. At the next CPAC gathering they should make it a rule that attendees have to keep their hands visible at all times. There will be lots of back room flashes. Sorry. I've got to stop now and read your post again.

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  69. Well, let's be honest: is it really that surprising that the party whose spokesidiot thinks of vets as "suckers" is all aTwitter about getting some new dick pix for their collections? They had majorities in the House & Senate along with the WH; they could have passed almost anything they claimed to care about (anti-choice, kill ACA, no CRT, the border,...). Their shortcomings, inadequacy, and failure to perform is simply being extended (so to speak) with an interest in dick pix.

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  70. I wonder if Adam could explain what “criticality think” is. Houston is definitely feeling inadequate and pissed about it. These right wingers can’t even spell or construct a sentence properly.

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  71. Jim, m sorry you’re a magnet for Twitter’s scummiest.

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  72. Love these people defending Freedom of Speech. They of course "forget" that the whole Freedom of Speech thing applies to government not private companies. They almost always "forget" Freedom of Speech when "Conservative" institutions like Fundamentalist institutes of "learning" violate Freedom of Speech. In that case they will acknowledge when convienient that Freedom of Speech applies only to government. But when private companies etc., limit Freedom of Speech of so-called "Conservatives" all too often they shriek about Freedom of Speech.

    And at this moment these so-called "Conservatives" are silent about Musk baning people from Twitter who criticize the most holy and devine Elon Musk. So much for Freedom of Speech.

    There is a room for a serious discussion about whether or not in certain situations that the Freedom of Speech garrantee should be extended to various privately owned platforms. These idiots are however acting in bad faith.

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  73. Thank you Jim for yet another tear-jerking commentary (I still haven't decided if it was caused by joy, fear or shame.

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  74. And please Jim, stay away from that sewer called twitter. I am currently in meta-jail for a month for insulting a woman spamming a defunct crypto co - FTX.

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  75. Next documentary should be about #45 to abolish the Constitution. That would be fun! Looking forward to it.

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  76. Honestly, it’s not nice to make middle aged women laugh this hard. Our bladders are weak and we can’t handle it. But even with that and the coffee I choked on, totally worth it. I mean, they told us they would investigate Hunter day one, now they can ride his dick pics all the way home. And let’s be honest, there is nothing Republicans love investigating more than dicks.

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  77. All this time I thought "Hunter's Dick" was something you got while wearing shorts in a duck blind in January.

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  78. I feel so out of the loop. I neither saw, nor heard anything about these pictures until you posted on FB. Still haven't seen them but it's not my preferred style of "art", so I'll be ok. As one commenter said, WTF! who cares about Hunter Biden or his laptop and private parts? Seriously, is this what people elected these goobers to fixate on? That so many people feel it's important enough to debate with you, just boggles the mind. Doesn't this qualify for the pornography that conservatives say they'll know when they see it? Slut shaming? And I supposed all HB has to do is deny it's his and it was planted - which isn't outside the realm of possibility. But god almighty! What a thing to want people to care about.

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  79. So on point and funny as hell. I will be checking back regularly for your humorous insights into our very broken society. It might help me to stay sane. Lots of great comments here from the crowd - you guys sound so damn sane, rational, and damned y'all can write. :D

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  80. I just keep coming back to this one 'cause it's fuckin' HYSTERICAL.

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  81. Looking forward to your comments on President Biden’s current problems with classified documents from a military perspective.

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  82. It's too funny that you predicted MTG's use of Hunter's penis. I think you get the award.

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