I HATE THIS SONTEKETTLE PLEASE STOP PUTTING HIS LIBERAL BULLSHIT ON MY GMAIL IN MY DAY GUYS LIKE THAT WOULD BE SHOT I CANT BELIEVE YOU READ THIS BLULSHIT I AGREE WITH ALOT OF WHAT HESAYS BUT HES A FN LIBERAL I E COMMNINISTS I THOUGT YOU WERE RAISED BETTER THEN THIS
I read that twice.
Then I scratched my head in puzzlement.
Why is an email to me talking about me in the third person?
I looked at the cat.
The cat looked at me.
I looked at the other cat, but it was licking its balls and was no help at all.
And: I agree with a lot of what he says, but ook! ack! Communists!
I wanted to be amused, but felt vaguely irritated at the shouting. COMMUNISTS! COMMUNISTS! OOK! OOK!
I read it again.
I checked the address. It was addressed to me, nobody else on the cc line. The subject was STONEKETTLE – which is why I looked at it in the first place.
I didn’t recognize the return email address and the domain wasn’t obviously from a mental institution or the US Congress (ok, that’s redundant, point taken).
I get some funny email, or email from people trying to be funny. Sometimes I get messages from people who are being snarky asshats and are attempting to disguise their jackassery as being funny. Some of them don’t speak English as a first language and sometimes the humor doesn’t translate (maybe if you SHOUT…). I also get some weird spam, and at first I thought this might be that – like it was almost legit, but not quite, which made me wonder if maybe it was a spear-phishing attempt (a sort of cyber attack directed at a specific target, like a blog). Some of these people try to provoke you into responding, then use your responses in various ways. But this didn’t seem to be that, and besides what kind of response would you expect? I mean, it’s me, right? You don’t need to spear-phish me, I’ll tell you to fuck off for free.
Well, then, maybe I was supposed to read it as from a relative or old family acquaintance, talking about Stonekettle Station in the third person as some sort of alter-ego of mine? I thought you were raised better than that! Communists! Communists!
I tried reading it again, while squinting my eyes.
That helped, but not enough.
Maybe somebody was sending me a response they got to something I wrote?
I tried reading it out loud, in that funny Billy Crystal voice from Running Scared ("Yes, hello? My name is Pinky…”).
No, that wasn’t it.
I looked at the cats, they were now both licking their crotches.
Which on the face of things, seems like an altogether reasonable response. I reached for the delete button…
Wait, hold on, of course. Not Billy Crystal, no no, it’s Clint Eastwood Shouting At Chairs! Sure, that’s it!
Only one way to find out.
…so, I clicked reply instead:
Do I know you? Jim Wright/Stonekettle Station
A couple hours later I got a response:
Im sorry please delete the e?mail as it was meant for somebody else Im not good at this new phone
Hypothesis confirmed. Old man shouting at clouds indeed. His (I assume it’s a he) mobile email client must have converted “jim at stonekettle.com” or something similar into a hyperlink in whatever email he got. At least that’s what I’m guessing happened (stop putting communism on my Gmail, dagnabit, and get off my lawn! Communists! Ook! Ack!). Then he clicked on that instead of replying to the original sender. If I had to guess.
Well now that’s just embarrassing.
You know me, right?
You know what’s coming next, don’t you?
We are unable to comply with your request. In accordance with glorious central policy, Stonekettle Station has performed a full search of your phone and submitted your personal contact information to the glorious security arm of the People’s Glorious Revolutionary Party of the People’s Glorious Revolution. You will now be added to the People’s Glorious Enemies List. After the People’s glorious revolution you will be provided with directions to the nearest People’s Reeducation Camp of Glorious Enlightenment Through Labor and Perspiration. If you are unable to complete glorious reeducation, you will be allowed to serve the Glorious People’s Revolution as either happiness fertilizer or as a tasty protein supplement.
- In glorious sincerity, Comrade Wright/Stonekettle Station.
No response yet, but I remain hopeful.
If you know who this guy is, if he’s your relative or something, I’m sorry for shining him on (Ok, not really). Be sure to leave a comment telling me how it worked out or if you want me to send him some brochures on the People’s Glorious Uprising.
Stonekettle Station, bringing families together since the October Revolution. Ook! Ack!
Thanks to all of you who emailed me this week, here’s some highlights from the mailbag:
Two dogs, One Water Bowl
Remember that bit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the witch sketch?
Crowd: A witch! A witch! A witch! We found a witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch!
Sir Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch?
Peasant: Well, she looks like one!
Sir Bedevere: Bring her forward.
Witch: I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere: But you are dressed as one.
Witch: They dressed me like this.
Crowd: No, we didn't!
Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. [lifts up the false nose]
Sir Bedevere: Well?
Peasant: We did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere: The nose?
Peasant: And the hat. But she is a witch!
Crowd: Burn her! Burn her!
Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Crowd: No, no!
Other Peasant: Yes.
Peasant: Yeah. A bit. But she has got a wart!
Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: She turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Crowd: Burn her anyway!
Oklahoma Republican Senator Tom Coburn speaking at the Muskogee Civic Center on Wednesday announced that President Obama was “getting perilously close” to the constitutional standard for impeachment.
When queried as to what, exactly, that standard was, Coburn allowed that he was just talking out his ass:
“I don’t have the legal background to know if that rises to high crimes and misdemeanors, but I think they’re getting perilously close.”
Coburn further elaborated:
“What you have to do is you have to establish the criteria that would qualify for proceedings against the president, and that’s called impeachment,”
So, to recap, according to Senator Coburn, who admits that he doesn’t actually know what he’s talking about, impeachment is a “standard” but there’s no established criteria to define it. She’s a witch because we say she’s a witch and that’s that.
That’s like saying, “Well, we’ve got this standard unit of measurement we call a ‘Monty Python,’ now we’re not exactly positive how long it is but we’re pretty sure we’ve traveled about that far…” and everybody in crowd shakes their fists and shouts “Yeah! That’s what we think too!”
She’s a witch! Burn her!
Then under the Buzzfeed article linked to above, there was this comment:
“Obama has not ‘come close to committing any high crime?’ 1) He killed American citizens with drones 2) He illegally violated the privacy of the people with PRISM 3) He intimidated the AP with force, breaking down our constitutional right to free and unbiased press 4) He declared the Libyan war without congressional approval. Pretty sure this guy is a lot worse than Bush at this point, and far, far beyond the standards of impeachment. Like it or not, you have to look at the facts and see that this guy is corrupt.”
I, uh, hmmm, look at the facts you say? The facts? I, well now, the facts. Ook! Ack!
You know, it amuses me that folks calling for the summary execution of Army Major Nidal Milak Hasan without due process, are the same people who are so, so upset over the death of Anwar al-Awlaki (not that any of them could actually cough up the name of the American “Obama killed with a drone”). Honestly, al-Awlaki? That’s your poster boy for liberty? Anwar al-Awlaki? You’ve got to be kidding me. The guy renounced his citizenship and declared war on America.
Doesn’t matter, she’s a witch! Burn her! Burn her!
And whether or not the government violated the privacy of Americans though NSA, it was legal under the Patriot Act – something these same exact people were calling the rest of us unAmerican over when we opposed it. You want the Patriot Act repealed? You should try electing somebody other than Tom Coburn.
Don’t care, she’s a witch!
Our Constitutional right to a free and unbiased press? Buwah? I’ve read the Constitution, when did they add in “unbiased” to the First Amendment? Because, yeah, unbiased press, sign me up for that. Constitutional right to an unbiased press?
Jesus Haploid Christ, she turned me into a newt!
And the Libyan war? Declared the Libyan war? What the hell are we talking about here? What Libyan war?
Well, yeah, we did do the nose. And the hat. But she’s a witch! Burn her! Burn her!
Every single thing this woman is talking about is made up bullshit. It’s lunacy. It’s mass hysteria.
Here’s the thing, the Constitution that these idiots claim to revere, was designed to serve as the basis for rule of law – that’s its entire purpose.
Instead of law, what we have here is the equivalent of a Monty Python sketch with Coburn shouting “She’s a witch!” And when you ask, um, excuse me, Senator, but how do you know she’s a witch? Conservatives like Coburn point to the fake nose that they themselves strapped onto the President, and shout, “She’s a witch, burn her! Burn her!”
Every single thing that Obama does is proof of witchcraft to these people, even if he never actually did it.
Conservative tabloid The Daily Caller notes that the Obamas recently acquired a second dog. Like Bo, the new puppy, Sunny, is a Portuguese water dog.
A black one.
That means the Obamas now own two black dogs.
The article concludes, “The Obamas do not have any white dogs.”
The Obamas, they don’t have any white dogs.
I’ll just pause for a moment so that you can fully contemplate what the once great party of Lincoln has been reduced to by Obama’s Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo.
Meanwhile, down in Louisiana, a Public Policy Poll taken last week shows that among conservatives in the Pelican State, just under one third blame Barack Obama for the federal government’s lousy response to Hurricane Katrina.
Two. Black. Dogs. Ook. Ack!
Katrina, which flooded New Orleans and inundated the Louisiana coastline in August of 2005.
Barack Obama was sworn into office on January 20, 2009.
I’ll pause for a moment so that those of you educated in the US can do the math.
Fine, fine, give me your worksheet. Lets see, 2009 divided by 2005, okay the zeros cancel out, round to the nearest red state… carry the one… divide by Jesus times socialism equals, Sweet Ben Franklin! Obama destroyed New Orleans!
Yes, that’s right. 29% percent of Louisiana conservatives blame Obama for the Katrina response, more than the 28% who blame George W. Bush.
44% of conservatives weren’t sure who to blame.
Weren’t sure? How in God’s Giant Hairy Lint Filled Bellybutton can conservatives be not sure of who was in the White House in 2005? How is that even possible? They voted for that fucking guy. And these are the same chuckleheads who want to implement ID cards to prevent liberals from voting? Honestly, how much worse could illegal immigrant voters make things really?
This is precisely what I was talking about in the previous essay. These people aren’t citizens, they’re an ignorant mob of simpletons.
Too bad we can’t turn them all into newts.
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma…
Speaking of the Obamas’ blatantly racist choice of house pets, under the Yahoo! article there were several hundred comments similar to this one:
“It is interesting that Yahoo sees it important to feature a puppy that Obama gets but ignores the horrible drive-by shooting of a white Australian baseball star who was jogging in Oklahoma and was shot and killed by three black teenagers who said they did it because they were bored. “
Yahoo! published a story on the Obamas’ dog, so that obviously means the Mainstream Media is ignoring the shooting death of Australian Chris Lane – well, ignoring it with the exception of the one hundred and seventy-five million news results a simple Google search returns on “Chris Lane.” Yeah, other than one hundred and seventy-five million news reports within the last twenty-four hours, other than that, the news media is ignoring the story.
Which makes me wonder how the above commenter, and the hundreds of others who expressed similar outrage, even heard about the shooting in the first place.
Since the press is obviously ignoring the story and all. Ook! Ack!
The main questions regarding the shooting of Australian baseball player Chris Lane by three (or possibly two and a half) black teenagers seems to be: Where the hell is the media’s outrage? Where’s Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson? How come liberals aren’t screaming racism! Racism! over this shooting?
Give it time.
There’ll be plenty of outrage on the left…
…just as soon as the local police decline to arrest the shooters and then blame the dead guy for walking on a public road in athletic gear.
Snark aside, folks, the two cases are in no way similar. Lane’s death is clearly an act of murder. Lane’s killers are clearly thugs. Nobody, nobody, is trying to justify the killing. This isn’t about standing your ground or self defense or neighborhood watches. Investigators say that race played no role in the murder, and even if it did it’s an aggravating factor, not the (alleged) cause.
Should Sharpton say something? He did. Should he say more? Probably not.
Should Obama say something? Whatever he says will just be confirmation of his witchery. Something else for one side or the other find outrage in. Better not.
The killing of Chris Lane is a tragic, horrible thing.
The motivation behind the shooting, if reports are accurate, and all that it implies is also a tragic horrible thing.
What do we do about it?
Point fingers. Lay blame. Rant. Chest beat. Bloviate. Run around in circles. Takes sides. Hate each other more.
And do nothing to fix the actual problem.
Just like Congress.
As I said in the previous essay, Simplification, our government is a reflection of us.
And that too, is a tragic horrible thing.
This is not my surprised face
Speaking of shootings.
Remember last year, when the National Rifle Association and their capering paid monkeys in Congress killed any chance at a reasonable discussion of gun violence in the the United States?
Remember that part about how a national gun registry would destroy liberty and freedom and bring about socialism and communists and Nazis? Remember that?
Guess who’s been compiling huge database of every single gun owner in America. Without their knowledge or permission.
C’mon, take a guess.
Why it’s the very people, the same exact hysterical hypocrites, who screamed bloody murder about such databases.
Because apparently, it’s fascism for law enforcement to know who has guns, but it’s sweet sweet Bald Eagle flavored liberty when the folks down at the NRA keep secret lists of gun owners.
This is so, so typical of these people, they hate a government answerable to the people, but want to hand everything over to the wise benevolent mercies of a private corporation.
Because, yeah, no criminals or crazies or potential dictators in the NRA, right?
And don’t call me Shirley
A bunch of you wrote asking what I thought about Bradley Manning.
Immediately after being sentenced to thirty-five years, Manning announced that he wants to be called “Chelsea” and live as a girl.
This is just more of the same from the little self-centered twerp. He betrayed his country, his service, and his oath, because he’s a self-involved narcissistic shitbag with delusions of grandeur, then, after he’s sentenced to prison he acts as if it’s a paid vacation to some Cuban health spa and the rest of us somehow owe him a pedicure and an elective medical procedure.
Manning owes us, we don’t owe him a goddamned thing and I can see absolutely no reason why the American taxpayers should foot the bill for gender reassignment therapy.
He wants to be a girl?
He’s going to federal prison. Wish granted.
And no, I don’t think prison rape is funny. Nor do I think anybody deserves it, not even Manning. But seriously, you’re on your way to prison and you announce on national TV that you want to be a girl? Seriously? Unless this is a subtle ploy to get himself put into isolation away from the general population (and so far Manning has shown no such level of devious cunning) he’s an idiot to a degree that boggles the mind.
Manning wants to change sexes, he can wait for parole and pay for it himself.
A fair trial and a fine hanging
Speaking of shitbags, Nidal Malik al-Hasan decided to punt.
Sounds good to me.
Trial’s over. The letter of the law is satisfied. He’s guilty on all counts, as if there was ever any question.
If they need help building the gallows, I’m an experienced woodworker and I’ll bring my own tools.
The Republican National Convention says that they’ve decided to exclude CNN and NBC from the 2016 republican primary debates.
Conservatives aren’t happy that both CNN and NBC are currently working on documentary programs centered around Hillary Clinton. Because, yeah, former First Lady, senator, presidential candidate, Secretary of State, one of the most powerful people in the United States, why would anybody want to produce a TV show about her, right?
I find it ironic that the people most outspoken about market driven solutions, can’t seem to understand why media networks would create shows that people are interested in and want to pay for. I guess if she’d quit her job halfway through and then decided to do a gig on Dancing With The Stars, republicans would be more supportive.
The RNC passed a resolution that directed state party officials and other conservative organizations not to sponsor, sanction, or attend any debates hosted by NBC or CNN. The RNC can’t prevent the networks from hosting their own primary debates, but the idea here is to keep any conservative candidates from participating.
Snort. Talk about an empty threat.
Seriously, when’s the last time you saw politicians give up free media coverage?
No, really, pull my other leg. And here I didn’t think Republicans had a sense of humor.
The ban extends to CNN and NBC’s Spanish speaking networks – and hey, look, there’s more of that ongoing Republican effort to reach out to Latino voters.
Here’s the really funny part, the RNC announced that not only will they not hold their debates on two of the largest media networks in the world, they only want “real” conservatives to moderate – like Rush Limbaugh.
Rush Limbaugh. Ook! Ack!
That would power the political blogoshpere and late night comedy for weeks.
Can you imagine the YouTube parodies?
It’s like Republicans are already resigned to losing to Hillary Clinton and so they’ve decided to go down in spectacular fashion like Major Kong riding the bomb into oblivion at the end of Doctor Strangelove.
But, c’mon, Rush Limbaugh?
The RNC can do better than Rush Limbaugh as moderator.
If you’re go to go out in a blaze of glory, go big. Really big.
The RNC wants a real conservative as debate moderator?
On a tank wrestling a grizzly.
Oh yeah, tell me you wouldn’t tune in for that?
Because that would be awesome.
See you at the Glorious Revolution. Ook. Ack.