Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Stay Classy, Catwoman

And then there were two.

Ok, technically three, but really just two. And really, just one.

Newt Gingrich is “scaling back” his campaign for president.

Scaling back. Heh heh. Scaling back, is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

Like he actually has a chance at the nomination, right?

Newt Gingrich will never be President and the only one who doesn’t seem to know this is Newt Gingrich.

His bid for the GOP nomination, let alone the White House, was DOA right from the beginning.

Sure, there were a few flickers of life, he appeared to rally a few times, a twitch here, a spasm there, but Gingrich never really had a chance. His campaign has been brain dead for a while now and the only thing keeping it breathing at the moment is the SuperPAC oxygen tube jammed down his windpipe.  His next of kin, the ones he hasn’t alienated over the years, are gathered around his bedside like Cleveland Indians fans dumb enough to buy season tickets and stuck now staring down at the field, sheepishly sitting in a half empty stadium and cheering weakly more out of a sense of duty than for any actual hope of winning. About half of them gave up the deathwatch a month ago. The Rest? He’s a fighter they say, he’ll pull through. God will grant us a miracle, you watch and see.  Any minute now. Any minute now…

But even diehard Indians fans don’t really believe their team will go all the way, not even with God in their dugout.

The doctors just shake their head and nod knowingly to each other, they’ve seen this all too often.   They smile sadly and make noncommittal noises – and inside they resent the resources this corpse is taking away from other more viable patients.  It’s time for some battlefield triage they think, time to salvage what organs they can, pull the plug, and call the meat wagon – or the glue factory.

Unfortunately for everybody, the argument over pulling the plug is verging on the ridiculous.

And so, there he is, Gingrich, a bloated meatbag gone cold and clammy, heart still beating sluggishly, but he’s brain dead and his organs are failing one by one and there’s nothing left but a bad smell.  The only question now is what time the coroner will stamp on the death certificate.

Newt, true to course, continues to display his usual sullenness:

“None of you guys would call a football team or a basketball team and say, 'Why don't you drop out?' You'd say, 'There's a season. Let's play the season…”

Note that when Bachmann, Huntsman, Perry, and Cain all dropped out of the race, Newt didn’t encourage them to play out the season.  He smirked his smug jock-douchebag smirk and waved bye bye at the losers.  Adios, suckers. But now? Now Team Newt has played thirty-two games.  He won on his home court and he managed a small victory during one away game. That’s it.

He’s 2 and 30 (of course, that’s two better than Ron Paul, but still).

Newt’s right, you don’t have to tell a sports team to drop out – they get eliminated in the playoffs.

At this point what we have with Gingrich is less an assisted suicide-sports mashup analogy and more like that time Sean Young got piss drunk, put on a homemade Catwoman outfit, and assaulted Tim Burton and Michael Keaton on the set of Batman Returns

That’s right, Newt Gingrich has become the crazy Catwoman wannabe of presidential campaign politics (and when I say Catwoman, I mean it in both the drunkenly obnoxious Sean Young and the horrifyingly bad Halle Berry sense.  And, of course, in the Batman Returns sense too. Catwoman, no matter how you slice it, always ends up costing somebody a lot of money and turns out to be a stinker, just like Newt).

Conservatives may not care much for either Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum, but they’ve made it abundantly clear that they like Gingrich even less. A lot less, actually.

Just like Catwoman, Newt’s death spiral is more than a little cringe-inducing.

And so here we are, Gingrich is out of money and running in the red, he’s fired his campaign manager and half his staff, his schedule has been cut to the bone, but he’s adamant that he’ll stay in the race.  He can’t win the nomination, hell, he can’t even win second place, but he’s staying in.  He’s out, but he’s not out out – instead he’s apparently going to concentrate on winning Twitter and Facebook because hey, social media, that’s where the real battle is. Sure.  And seriously here, what the hell is it with these people? Bachmann, Cain, Perry, they didn’t “quit,” they just “suspended” or “reassessed” their respective campaigns, only Huntsman had the good grace and self-confidence to say, “I did the best I could, but I’m done now.”  Are these people really so insecure that they can’t admit when they’ve lost? Really? (that’s a rhetorical question, don’t bother to answer).

Gingrich can’t win. I know it. You know it. Democrats know it.  Independents know it.  Republicans know it.  Stone age tribesmen who speak the click-click language and live deep in the jungles of Mindanao Island eschewing all contact with the outside world know it.  Gingrich knows it. It looked like he might have had shot back a couple of months ago, before people remembered who they were dealing with, oh yeah, that’s right, Newt Gingrich, blech.  But now? Newt has about as much chance of being president as Sean Young has of a speaking role in The Dark Knight Rises.

So, what the hell is he doing?

Well, he made his intentions pretty clear in a radio interview this morning,

“Romney has to earn this, it’s not going to be given to him.”

One thing about Newt, he’s consistent.  He’s always been a selfish hypocritical son of a bitch.  He tries to have a president impeached for adultery, while he himself is committing adultery. He talks about morals and ethics, while engaged in unethical behavior.  He says something obnoxious, and blames the press for repeating it.  He complains that other politicians haven’t been “vetted” but is outraged when his own words and behavior are placed under a microscope.  He’s a career politician and the consummate Washington Insider who  denounces “Washington insiders” and “politics as usual” – the very politics as usual that he himself is largely responsible for creating. He talks endlessly about personal responsibility, for everybody else, but he never takes responsibility for his own actions – with Newt it’s always somebody else’s fault when he screws the pooch, or screws somebody else’s wife.  Hell the last time he stepped out, he blamed America, not just one or two of us, America.

Newt resents the fact that try as he might, the vast majority of the country remains steadfastly unconvinced that he is half as awesome as he thinks he is.

Here’s where the rubber meets the road, Newt talks about uniting the nation and pulling together as Americans, but he can’t even put aside his monstrously bloated ego long enough to unite his own party – how’s he going to do it on a national scale?  Answer, he’s not. And he has no intention of doing so.  When Newt talks about unity, he’s just talking about the people that he likes, the rest of us can go to hell, or move to Canada, whatever.  He’ll do what he has always done, throw everybody who’s not on Team Newt over the fantail and into the ocean. He’s a selfish, self-centered, self-involved son of a bitch who’s only in it for himself.  And most people can sense that, even if they don’t know exactly why they don’t like him.

He has lost and he knows it. 

He’s going to have to back Romney, he knows that too and it just galls him. 

Newt is going to back Romney because Romney is going to be the GOP candidate.

But, Newt being Newt just can’t admit it.  He’s got this idea that he’s somehow going to make Romney “earn” the nomination.  As if Romney isn’t at least as an experienced politician as Gingrich is – without the three wife and ethics violations baggage – as if Romney hasn’t put in just as much time in the political trenches. Newt knows exactly what the outcome is going to be here, and he knows he’s going to back whoever the GOP nominates even if it’s Cannibal Hitler’s Head in a Pickle Jar. But he is still going to make everybody else pay just out of selfish spite.

And that right there, more than anything else, tells you what kind of President he would be – exactly the same as the kind of Speaker he was, just exactly as the kind of man he is every single day. 

Newt hasn’t changed, not one bit, he’s still same old hypocrite.

He keeps talking about how the current occupant of the White House ignores the so-called will of the people, but he himself fully intends to force a contested GOP convention and somehow snatch the nomination for himself out of the resulting chaos against the clearly stated will of Republican voters. 

He wants Romney to earn the nomination, but he wants the GOP to just hand it to him. 

Don’t be surprised if he shows up in Tampa wearing a Catwoman costume.


  1. Well, thank you very much for THAT visual image. Pardon me while I go bleach my mind's eye.

  2. As usual.. right on the mark and well said. Once again, my hat's off to you, good Sir.

  3. I've listened to Bill Hicks' Rush Limbaugh/GOP Orgy routine. You'll have to do worse than that.

  4. Newt was never in it for the win. First he was in it for the publicity (read $$) and then, on brother Adelson's meal-ticket, he was in it to force Romney to pull right. Far right. So far right he can't easily walk it back come the general. Never mind the etch-a-sketch. What was in it for Newt (besides the $$)? And the publicity? Did he need anything more?

  5. Most Repubs have kept Newt at arm's length for years since his Clinton era implosion. When Newt weighed in with his massive intellect on the Cheney/W '03 adventure in Iraq, Richard Armitage noted that "It's clear that Mr. Gingrich is off his meds and out of therapy." Not much love for Newt there, even when the lunatics had carte blanche to fuck up everything they touched.

    What does concern me are the 4.5 Newts with a lifetime season ticket on the SCOTUS. Gingrich is essentially a harmless but occasionally entertaining irritant to most of us. His brothers enthroned as Supremes are another matter.

    And leave off Sean Young. If Harrison Ford didn't retire her, she's OK with me. Once you have replicant you never go back!

    1. Who created this "massive intellect" myth anyway?

    2. Newt. After all, he reads Real Books, like Alvin Toffler; just ask him.

  6. So. I took a deep breath and started to flex my fingers for the anticipated rush of typing when you announced it was a RHETORICAL question. I hate when that happens...

    I am left with the deep and abiding thanks that you used the Cleveland Indians as your example of futility and not the Seattle Mariners. After a heady day of leading all of Major League Baseball, they have battled back to the pack. Maybe next year...

    I feel bad for Catwoman, personally. Horrible thing you've done to an otherwise forgettable character. Nicely written, per the norm.

  7. Very well-said, sir!

    The Selfishness of the Newt (next year's blockbuster horror film?) is blindingly obvious to me, yet I have not seen a lot written about it. I see a lot of folks pretending that he has a snowball's chance somewhere very warm - to me, it often seems that the "media" take Newt seriously because he says they have to. Same with that other guy, Mr. Sanctimonious, who used to (unfortunately) be my Senator, and who we threw out on his ear by a very large margin because even his fellow R's couldn't stand him.

    In any sane world, both those guys would have been laughed off the political stage. Not that I have any great love for Romney.

    I've been lurking here a bit. Just wanted to say, your posts make my day

  8. My question is who are these people that still give money to the windbag? I understand supporting a candidate that you believe in but not when it is so delightfully obvious that it ain't gonna happen.

    Also, Jim, you should eliminate the "Anonymous" option for the comment name. It gets confusing when an actual discussion takes place in the comments. The lazy bastards - ahem, loyal readers - should at least make up a fake name.

    As always, great post.

    1. I've been giving serious consideration to eliminating the anonymous option. I'm still thinking about it.

    2. Oh god...please don't make me figure out how to use some other method besides anonymous to make a comment. Actually, this is the first time I have commented. Most of the comments already say what I might want to say, and are better written so I just sit at the back of the room and watch, but I want to keep my options open. On the topic of Newt-very well written as are all of your pieces.

    3. I think getting rid of "anonymous" is a great idea. Nobody has to give out a real identity, but it would be nice to follow the thread of their comments over time. I really appreciate those who use some sort of identifier, and I look forward to their ongoing thoughts.

    4. Perhaps replace "Anonymous" with "Shnoogums"? Use something totally loathesome (Rush? NEWT!!) so that unwilling posters will either stay silent or cough up a screen name.

    5. Some Anonymouses need to remain anonymous because being among the Anonomousene limits identification and potential negative results in certain career fields which are less forgiving of free speech than others. The Patriot Act is a wonderful and often misunderstood thing.

      Its not lying.....its just..bullshit.

    6. Most people just want some kind of handle to follow comments. Some threads I've been on have resembled several 1st grade classes hopped up on cotton candy and Jolt on Christmas morning.

    7. No one will have ever considered me a "Shnoogums". From an OSHA standpoint that would be hazardous to your health. I prefer "Darkstar" or "Bonecrusher". Or call me Paranoid. But, associating one's name with an online blog or comment forum, no matter how innocent, is traceable.

      Unfortunately, in my line of work, overzealous and ideology drenched drones from the "other" side can lose their objectivity when conducting a search for internet activity (say it ain't so). Consider that DHS is still largely populated by the same clueless Young Republican frat brothers hired en masse after that abortion was first conceived in the WH basement.

      Nowadays watching your back is a survival tactic. And I don't like being followed. It makes me twitchy, and you wouldn't like me twitchy.

    8. I know what Jim's response is: "Lighten up Francis"

  9. I caught part of a news segment on NPR last week (?) when they talked about the possibility of an "open convention." Newt Gingrich was interviewed and seemed to think that if they did do such a thing, he'd get the nomination. Perhaps that's why he's not officially pulling out? Of course, other folks seem to think that if they had an open convention Sarah Palin might get the nomination - so obviously, there's a lot of nutty thoughts swirling around.

  10. Heh, Cleveland Indians. I hate Cleveland. And Newt is a douchey old blowhard.

    But still, hee-hee about the Indians.

  11. Stay classy? He never... oh I get it sarcasm and pass that eye bleach down this way.

  12. Stay classy? He never... oh I get it sarcasm and pass that eye bleach down this way.

  13. Maybe the Indians could use you as a clean up hitter, 'cause you seem to hit it out of the park on every post. Thanks Jim.

  14. Jim, you are the best! I think the line that really got me was:"Stone age tribesmen who speak the click-click language". Many thanks! VJ

  15. Catwoman may be in the form of Sarah Palin

  16. Newt in black pleather, a whip, kitten ears and a tail - now there's an image. But wait, how did you know that is what #3 wife has him wear on those "Special Viagra Evenings?"

  17. Well, Newt could get Sec of state (shudder). Then all he has to do is off The Romney, Santorum/Rubio, the Ompalumpa in charge of the House and bingo, bango, whatdayaknow, President Newt.

    Mentioned just to keep those screaming nightmares from subsiding.

    Also, be nice to the Indians. Hell, we watch baseball games in the snow.

    1. President Pro temp of the Senate is after the Speaker and he has to get all four at once.

  18. Let's be clear, there is only one reason for Newt to stay in the race. He is a stalking horse inserted by the Republican establishment ( in the persona of Sheldon Adelson) to deny the nomination to Rick Santorum. The religious nuts and teabaggers don't realize it but their boy Rick is unelectable in the General election and would be a disaster econmically, militarily and politically for the Repugnant Party and the nation as a whole as President. The Repug establishment KNOWS this. Newt is enough of a political whore to prostitute himself for this purpose. He does this willingly and without shame because he has none.

  19. If Newt read this blog, I think his feelings would be hurt. What, oh, yeah, never mind, no brain, no pain.

  20. I mean it in both the drunkenly obnoxious Sean Young and the horrifyingly bad Halle Berry sense.

    Everyone knows that Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar are the only real Catwomen!

    1. Don't forget Michelle Pfeiffer. She was an awesome catwoman!

      But Eartha Kitt was the prototype for every catwoman that ever lived.

  21. He is still "in it" for the same reason he started running, to make money! Look up what Rachael Maddow said about his running way back when he first teased about maybe considering anouncing he might think about possibly running! His whole personal income is supported by contributions to "help" him run for president, so he runs, slowly, badly and with NO intent to win! He sells books, and speaking tours and videos and he pays himself to be a "consultant" to himself...look it up., all true. He had NO plan to be president, he just has to stay in the race as long as possible or he won't get any money!

  22. Isn't newts curre nt wife using the campaign as a book tour?

  23. Well, at least money being spent on Newt's "campaign" is flowing back into the economy and it isn't funding someone else's negative ad campaign so I see that as a plus.

  24. I agree - Newt is running because this is how he supports himself, pays on his account at Tiffany's and keeps #3 happy with her dreams of becoming the First Lady. That was his reason he gave for divorcing wife #2.

    Newt will drop out AFTER Romney promises him either the VP or cabinet position (Sec of Defense or State)

    I am glad people see Newt for what he is.

    1. Romney is running for Prez as a hobby and he just wants to achieve a personal best in winning the election. He could give a shit about occupying the White house. It doesn't matter whether he only responds to the 1% needs. They already own Congress, so they're taken care of. If Mitt won, he'd immediately get bored with the whole thing and let the staff run USA Corp.

      In addition to the cash, Gingrich has been running cause somehow he truly believes he could make a difference, in whatever form. As Buzz said "You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. "

      In a Mitt Admin, VP will have to go to a young gun, next gen conservative with little self awareness but great teeth and hair (not so great to challenge Mitt though). DoS would go to John Bolton; fuck diplomacy, we paid all this money for nukes, gotta use em before the sell by date.

      DoD would go to Herman Cain cause he's been boning up on it (that's boom-boom in the kinetic sense and not in the "boom-boom with the bitches" sense). And Michele B. as HHS, cause who actually needs health, humanity and services from the Gov't when God has it handled.

      I think Newt would be awarded Dept of Homeland Security. Then he would get to personally FUCK with every American, every day. He could vent his pent up anger and vengeance, getting even with all of us for his downfall and our failure to recognize his genius. Playing the "Threat Condition" game with abandon. Newt would love that gig.

  25. "Suspending" your campaign means not releasing your delegates, and keeping your campaign committee in existence. Since most campaigns (especially most losing campaigns) wind up in debt, not having to pay it off yet can be important.


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