Friday, December 23, 2011

Things That Chap My Ass About Christmas

It’s Socialist.

Really, think about it for a minute.

Christmas is just a big old pile of steaming liberalism.

Take this guy, Santa Claus.

Santa was never elected, he apparently just took over the whole process when nobody was looking.

He wears a red suit. Duh.

Claus sounds a lot like Claws. And a claw looks a lot like a sickle, which as everybody knows is the symbol of communism.  He’s got the population under continuous surveillance, and he keeps lists of people based on some arbitrary socialist measure of good and bad.  People stand in line to see him, in fact there are queues everywhere during the Christmas season – and standing in line is one of the defining pillars of socialism.

Then there’s the whole gift thing. He apparently sneaks into your house at night - without a warrant or probable cause or any kind of Constitutional controls, I mean you don’t need to be sent to a reeducation camp to see this do you?  And he leaves presents for the “good” kids based on some kind of arcane request system – which to me sounds a heck of a lot like “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” – and the presents are made in some kind of collective factory run by an oppressed ethnic workforce.  And the “bad” kids? They get a lump of coal – the very symbol of the lumpenproletariat – it’s like he’s just rubbing your face in it, isn’t it?

Next there’s the whole green vehicle thing. Santa’s sleigh runs on hay and grain like something Ed Bagley Jr. would drive to his weekly party meetings at the Al Gore I Hate America Sustainable Headquarters. And reindeer? Where do they come from? Right, exactly, Russia!

And this entire political apparatus is propped up on the backs of the workers, who are expected to support the power structure with the fruits of their labor – i.e. they are forced to give up a portion of their grain and dairy production in the form of cookies and milk – in support of the entire society. What’s next, socialized healthcare? My God, before you know it, we’ll be living in Canada!

You have only to look around, shake off the shackles of oppression, to see it:

Music: Heroic music has long been a tool of the power elite.  Designed to lull the masses into a malleable state of submission through endless repetition.  Two months of Joan Jett’s Little Drummer Boy and Dogs Barking Jingle Bells will turn all but staunchest anarchist into a pudding-brained drone.  People will band together in collectives and go door to door spreading the propaganda of socialism through the vehicle of “Christmas carols.”  The more easily influenced will actually leave their homes and join the mob of carolers like Bolshevik peasants joining the October Revolution. 

And speaking of the the Mob: Have you been in the stores during the holiday season?  The shelves are stripped bare by crazed crowds driven to a frenzy by the sounds of Carol of the Bells blaring from every speaker in the nation.  Let the rumor spread that Wal-Mart might have a new shipment in from the state factories and mile long lines form almost instantly. What is it? Zhu-Zhu Hamsters? Fisher-Price’s Elmo Live Encore? Toilet Paper? Shoes? Cabbages? We don’t care! Get in line!  Wait, what’s that? black market Twilight Barbies sold from the back of a nondescript truck? I’ll take two, Comrade!

The Secret Police: If mind numbing music wasn’t enough, while you’re standing in line for hours on end you get to listen to the endless ringing of little bells. It’s the Salvation Army, Santa’s intelligence gathering arm. They’re everywhere, on every corner, in every store, always watching like the pervasive surveillance system they are.  Shaking you down, demanding a cut, all in order to “redistributing the wealth.” They wear red jackets for crying out loud, could it be more obvious?

Socialist Art: The symbols of this Socialist Season are everywhere. Armies of giant inflatable Frosty The Snowmen and Santas dominate the landscape like those concrete statues of Marx and Lenin that once filled the squares of Moscow.  Yesterday I saw a pickup truck that had its “Truck Nutz” replaced with two large red mirrored balls and a garland of tinsel – my friends, when the state comes for your testicles, you’re living under the jackbooted heel of communism.

Propaganda: The socialists are piping their message directly into the minds of our children. The airwaves are filled with TV specials like that one with the Island of Misfit toys, a not so subtle reference to Gulags and the fate of those who don’t fit in. Who can fail to see the subliminal message in the final climatic battle scene when the imperialists subvert The People’s Heroic Heat Miser into a decadent display of dancing?  Or how about when that communist Charlie Brown attempts to convince the gang that his miserable substandard shrub is really a beautiful Christmas tree? For the love of the Almighty Dollar, people, open your eyes!

Fruitcake.  Yes, I know, you were wondering where the hammer in the “hammer and sickle” was.  Look no further than this abomination.  When the revolution comes, it will be fruitcake that smashes the windows and staves in the head of the free man, mark my words.

And finally:


Coincidence?  Not bloody likely, folks, not bloody likely.


  1. laughed my ass off! laughed out loud! Just fucking laughed. Your a funny funny wicked smart man, Merry Socialists Holiday to you too!

  2. Santa Claus wears a red suit,
    He's a communist.

    Has a beard and smokes a pipe,
    must be a pacifist ....


    I love it.

  3. Christmas is Corporate. Buy buy buy!
    No, Christmas is Communist. Give give give!
    No, Christmas is fundie Christian. Pray pray pray!

    *sigh* Now I have to figure out just what it all means. Do I send the kid to the company-run mall with all of my money, the Commie Santa re-education gulag for caroling, the all-'Merican militia camp for winter weapons training, or the fundie church with a candle for prayer-brainwashing? Decisions, decisions. Maybe we can just stay home, bake cookies, have cocoa, and piss everybody off.

    By the way, Jim, if this blog post went up on a far right wing website, you probably could not distinguish it from any other posting. It could be a "Poe" (a parody indistinguishable from a real extremist viewpoint).
    How freaking funny and yet so sad.

  4. It's scary how you made that all sound rational.

  5. But I like fruitcake...

  6. See? We're losing our freedoms, and to a socialist hippie no less. "Spreading" all that wealth, indoctrinating our children. That's where they start you know. And we're all supposed to take it with cheer and good will. And even sing caroles about it.

    Happy Dec 25th to you all!

  7. Oh, god, Jim. Think of the children... and all that plastic schmaltzy crap they've been programmed to demand. After all, if they don't get it, you must not love them enough!

  8. Mike the WSO:

    I was inclined to dismiss this as paranoia taken to the next level, until I saw the part about the Secret Police coming for the Truck Nutz. After spitting up my coffee and making a general mess, I must admit: Christmas may be a Communist plot. Seems that way. Beware!

  9. festive

    flakes of R2-D2

    2 u


  10. I'm home alone after having surgery -spouse has to work, and think I might need help now. The laughing is killing my stitches!
    As always, your writing is spot-on.
    Thanks for making my holiday. Now I can skip the oxy-spiked fruitcake.

  11. LOL, I am imagining your ass in chaps! I know, NOT what you had in mind when you worte that, but hey, you have some gay readers!

    Happy Holidays Comerade!

  12. Thanks for the laugh!

    Thanks also for your insight and eloquence in all your posts.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  13. I checked "I cried" because it was at the end of "I laughed so hard..."


  14. We celebrate Festivus. Tonight is the Festivus meal. Airing of grievances is followed by a wrestling match that must pin the head of household before Festivus can be declared done and over.

    I look forward to having dinner, telling my guy how much he's pissed me off this year and then pinning him to the floor with a rear-naked-choke (he never expects that one...).

    Leave it to your imagination what happens next! Happy Festivus Everyone!

  15. I've never heard Joan Jett's rendition, but Bob Seger does a pretty good version of "The Little Drummer Boy."

    Of course, that song is about the only Christmas song I can stand, because it tells an actual story. (Although come to think of it, "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" is at least tolerable.)

  16. Jim,

    Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas. Thank you so much for the laughter and insight you have provided with your posts for us this year.

  17. I cried because I snorted coffee out my nose during reading!

    Thank you for cleaning out my sinuses and Merry Christmas/Happy New Year to all!

  18. If you spike that fruitcake with enough fine southern whiskey, I guarandamntee ya that you won't care when the revolution comes.

    Hell, you might even start hallucinating enough to think that those "Twilight Barbies" are God's (or Wal-Mart Claus') greatest gift to man.

    As John Belushi once said, "My advice to you - start drinking heavily".

  19. Dude, you are so right! I always knew Christmas was socialist, because of that pinko Jesus, but I never suspected that Santa was part of the communist plot.

    Quick, call the John Birch Society! They have work to do!

  20. I don't give a crap about his politics, I just want Santa Marx to bring me my damn American Racing wheels, Holley double pumper, braided S/S fuel lines and one of those new Trojan vibrator thingies I keep seeing on Sunday morning TV.

    Free shit is free shit. Doesn't matter whether it comes from a soon to be submersible 90 North workshop or a Commie/Trotskyite/Marxist/Islamo/Kenyan giveaway collective.

  21. LOL! I'm SO glad I found you this year, Jim!

    Merry Christmas!

  22. IMG This is HILARIOUS!

  23. Once again we are on the same wavelength. My Mom and I got into stitches the other night watching Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer with my 7 yr old and coming to the same conclusions - you know the collective, captured ethnic workforce, the oppression of "different-ness" - until it becomes useful to the powers that be - etc. etc.

    Happy HO HO!

  24. LMAO!
    Careful though, some tea party types mighty take this seriously.
    One of my college Philosophy professors told something similar every year close to Xmas about Santa being Japanese - his name was really Ta-klas San, all the toys are made in Asia, He had Ronin rather than reindeer and one who drank a lot was always telling people not to be rude - "Rude-off the red-nosed Ronin." There was more but after more than 15 years I no longer remember the rest.

  25. I thank you, Jim, for all those wonderful words that you write because I can never quite get them all in the right order. Your posts keep me going when the headlines get me down.

    May you and your family have a great holiday filled with family, friends, food, and fun.

  26. товарищ Джеймс

    Центральный Комитет рассмотрел статью и у нас скоро вы задержаны за рассмотрение вашей статьи на единицу допросов КГБ. Вам будет допрошен голым этнических меньшинств, которые вы упомянули, в то время как вы носите "assless chaps" в то же время стегали звон колоколов, пока вы признаете, что вы агент ЦРУ, что обнаружил наш сюжет.

    Фабрично-заводских рабочих завода кожи людей также хотели бы отметить, что все "chaps" являются "assless" вас в неведении капиталистические свиньи.

    С Рождеством

    Секретарь Комитета Центрального народного

  27. Ever thought you'd have anything in common with David Frum? Except he talked about comparing Santa with Jesus.

    Enjoy your world-view and definitely covet your extraordinary artful bowls. I'll OWN one one day.

  28. I got some Boudreaux's Butt Cream for the chapped ass!! How hilarious! But seriously, the communists will take over America through...capitalism!! How subservsive!! I mean, hell, the Koreans have taken over the Heart of Dixie already!!

  29. Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
    Jackals ripping at your nose
    You'll tell Carol, "You're a skunk and a liar,
    And you smell like a whale hole blow."

    Everybody knows some jackass under mistletoe
    Will help to make the party blight
    Tiny sots with their eyes full of woe
    Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

    They know that Santa's been delayed,
    He's lost a lot of toys and goodies from his sleigh,
    And every mother-****** is gonna try
    To pot a reindeer with his piece as it flies by....

    And so I'm offering the latest craze:
    "Buy now! Just $19.92!"
    Although it'$ been $aid, too many time$, too many way$,
    "Merry ChristKwanSolsHanFestivus to you!"

  30. Santa? I like Marc Moran's take: "I like to grow my beard out around Christmas. I dress up like Jesus and go to malls and say "No, no this isn't what it's about!". And if I see a Santa, I go up to him and say "hey fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party!".


  31. http://bangthebuckets.com/?p=1722

  32. @Warner, thanks for sharing that Bang the Buckets link. That was great.

    Have Yourself a Socialist Little Christmas

  33. I put a link to you on his as well.

  34. @Warner. I saw that. Thanks.

    I spent some time reading his blog. Good stuff.

  35. Here's what Free Translation Online tells us that Skyman123 had to say in Russian. Assless Chaps and sounds of bells. There is no more to say.

    Comrade James

    The central Committee has considered article and at us is fast you are detained for consideration of your article on unit of interrogations of KGB. To you it will be interrogated naked ethnic minority which you have mentioned while you carry " assless chaps " at the same time quilted a sound of bells while you accept, that you the agent of CIA that has detected our plot.

    Factory workers of a factory of a leather of people also would like to note, that all "chaps" capitalist pigs are "assless" you in ignorance.

    Marry Christmas

    The secretary of Committee Central national

  36. I was really hoping you'd have a well "season"ed post. Thanks for not disappointing!

  37. I sure wish Tristan hadn't said what he did.

    Now all I can see is those two fake cowboys walking into the gay bar in the 3rd Crocodile Dundee movie.

  38. http://godsownparty.com/blog/2011/12/this-season-is-not-about-war-on-anyone/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+GodsOwnParty+%28God%27s+Own+Party%3F%29
    Historical look at Christmas.

  39. I highly recommend "Working Hands" for chapped asses. Works great on knitter's hands (the wool absorbs every smidgen of oil your hands produce and then some). I'm sure your wife would enjoy alleviating your suffering posterior.

    My question: has Saint Nick actually gone through the process of being sainted by the Pope? Is there any documentation that he was first venerated, then blessed, and then sainted? Who actually did he have petition the Catholics to achieve sainthood? Did they have any conflicts of interest in applying for Nicholas' upgraded status from regular neighborhood Joe? What miracles did he perform? I don't mean delivering toys in a microsecond to the billions of children, look what Twitter can do in the same amount of time (you don't see petitions to beatify a Twit, do you?) Personally, I think Nick took upon himself the title "Saint", and should be immediately disqualified from doing any more marketing for churches, companies, government entities and radical fundamentalists.

    Merry Christmas, Jim. Stay safe on the roads, and don't forget the hood mounted flame thrower when travelling.


  40. OMG anonymous I love online translators! That's enough to get the message! When Jim said "chaps my ass" I immediately thought of "assless chaps" comments so I wanted to point out that, technically, all chaps are "assless" or they aren't...ummm...chaps.

    But since we were all Socialist, I thought writing it in Russian was a nice holiday touch.

    С Рождеством

    1. So, this is the second post in a couple of weeks that has "assless chaps" comments. Should I be worried? :)

    2. Oops...apparently, like Christmas, assless chaps comments only come once a year...didn't read the date.

  41. I lived 16 years in the UK as Marine and then scum sucking contractor, returning to the DC area (aka HELL) in '07. One benefit of the American Century is the miracle of the podcast. Specifically, the availability to continue to listen to my favorite BBC Radio 4 comedy, science, travel, gardening, etc programs.

    I highly recommend the "Infinite Monkey Cage" discussion of the Science of Christmas and Friday Night Comedy XMas Show. (You may need a primer on the UK politicians. But, it is still funny to Colonials. )



  42. Hey did you know that one of your posts is mentioned here?

    Jon Swift Memorial Roundup 2011
    (The Best Posts of the Year, Chosen by the Bloggers Themselves)


    It is "Everybodys So Different, I Haven't Changed."

    I thought you might like to know.

  43. Ahem... pray you forgive me friend, but unless you mean to say these thing cover your butt then I believe you were reaching for the term "chafe."

  44. No, chap is a definite name for a skin condition. Consider Chap stick and chapped lips.

    Chafe means rub together, chap includes an element of cold.

  45. Nasty, it's a play on the phrase, "that just chaps my ass." Commonly used here in this part of the world. I write a series of "Things that chap my ass about..." articles. There's a tag at the bottom of the post.

    I live in Alaska, trust me, I know what chapped means. Thanks.

    Anon@08:19, thanks! I did know that one of my posts appeared in the contest. Pretty cool.

  46. My bad, folks... I'd heard the expression many times that way too, in Alaska, not realizing it a cold weather play on the Lower 48 form chafes my ass. But I'm still a champing at the bit kinda guy. Let me say now though, I do always enjoy your blog Jim. Great thoughts.

  47. Oh, I see a pay per view caged grudge match brewing. The budding young conquerer of the universe challenging the old master. "WRIGHT VS. RED" I mean, think about it. What've you got to lose. The worst that could happen to you is you end up on his "not nice" list.

  48. Oh, I see a pay per view caged grudge match brewing. The budding young conquerer of the universe challenging the old master. "WRIGHT VS. RED" I mean, think about it. What've you got to lose. The worst that could happen to you is you end up on his "not nice" list.

  49. ...IF there is a war on Christmas, Christmas is winning

  50. Forget not Stan Freberg's "Green Chri$tma$"

  51. So by right wing conservative definition if Christmas is socialist then Christ himself must be....

  52. Merry Christmas Jim, and God Bless Us, Everyone!

  53. OH my GOD that was funny!! Would you please run for office on the Republican ticket?!? Please???? They'd think you were SERIOUS. You could get stuff DONE!! We'd all vote for you. We would!

    Merry Christmas Jim. Or Happy Solstice. Or hey, enjoy a nice quiet day with a glass of something good. That's celebration enough.

  54. Jim - I have long believed there is only ONE fruitcake, whose origins are lost in the mists of time. All the others are merely imperfect quantum slices, which are endlessly regifted. There are probably still fruitcakes from the middle ages sitting under Christmas Trees in Cleveland - how would anyone possibly know? They all look and smell the same. An argument can easily be made that the search for the Fruitcake has replaced the quest for the Holy Grail. Were the ancient alchemists trying to transmute lead to gold or make a decent fruitcake? Why did we really go to the moon? Is our favorite dictator trying to build nuclear weapons or does he seek to create the Fruitcake - one bite of which will allow him to rule them all? Perhaps Uncle Chang got too close to the truth? Are the bazillions of Little Debbie cakes delivered to the masses in an effort to pacify them because they will never savor the Fruitcake? Last but not least - the Cern Accelerator complex - the biggest toaster-oven/thingamajig ever built - is the West looking for the God particle or trying to recreate the Fruitcake?

    Best wishes to you and all your readers for the holidays.


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