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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Boogeyman is Gonna Get You!

I know what America is. America is a thing you can move very easily, move it in the right direction. They won't get in their way.
- Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, 2001

Louie Gohmert is scared.

He’s afraid for America.

The evangelical (of course) republican (of course) lawmaker from Texas (of course) is afraid his God will smite America (of course).

Because that’s what Louie’s God does, smite things.

Smite! Smite! Smite!

“There is judgment that will come for nations that attempt to divide the nation of Israel and this White House seems determined to do.”

That was Gohmert talking to Family Research Council President Tony Perkins on Washington Watch last week.  Gohmert warned Perkins that President Obama’s “disdain” for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu may cause God to “punish America.”

God may punish America.

God may punish America because Obama won’t meet with Netanyahu.

God. May punish all of America. All three hundred and fifty million of us. Sure, that’s fair. Well, maybe not fair fair, but Bible fair and par for the course when it comes to God. Pharaoh won’t let the Israelites go? Indiscriminately kill every first born child in Egypt! See, that’s how it works. We’re not talking smart missiles here, you have to expect some collateral damage when God carpet bombs people who piss him off.

And on that note. God. May punish all of America. All three hundred and fifty million of us because Obama didn’t meet with God’s Prime Minister of the Chosen People. And we all have it coming, don’t we? We do, don’t we? Because we elected Obama. Twice. Some of us voted for him and the rest didn’t vote against him enough so in Gohmert God logic we’re all responsible for the Netanyahu snub. 

So we’ve got nobody to blame but ourselves when Louie Gohmert’s God murders our kids in their sleep.

I guess if we wanted to placate the Christian God we should have elected a guy who unconditionally supports a Jewish nation … say like Mitt The Mormon.

What?

Oh, I’m being ridiculous, am I?

Listen, I’m not the one going around telling people the angry bogyman in the sky is going to punish America over a matter of foreign policy.  If you’ve got a problem with Louie’s God, take it up with Him – and while you’re at it, ask Him why He decided to punish America for legalization of gay marriage in California by dropping a hurricane on New Jersey.

And don’t tell me that’s not exactly the God Louie Gohmert describes.

"You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of terror like this takes place. ... We've threatened high school graduation participations, if they use God's name, they're going to be jailed ... I mean that kind of stuff. Where was God? What have we done with God? We don't want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present."

That was Louie Gohmert in July of 2012, describing how God slaughtered twelve people in Aurora, Colorado, and maimed seventy more because He was angry at not getting invited to high school graduations across the nation. When Louie Gohmert says his god will “punish” the rest of us for not doing what Louie thinks we should, when Michelle Bachmann says hurricanes are caused by gay marriage, when Ben Carson and George H.W. Bush and every evangelical TV preacher claims American exceptionalism in the name of their God, that’s exactly what they are saying.

Am I mocking a religion? Am I mocking somebody else’s belief? Yes I am. Because when people like Louie Gohmert speak of a “personal relationship with their God,” what they’re describing is an abusive relationship with a crazy person.

The “relationship” they describe is exactly, exactly, like living with an unpredictable control freak prone to fits of rage and violence, the kind where you hide the bruises and make excuses and hope that someday the son of a bitch will stop knocking you around if you can just find a way to please him.

That’s the religion Louie Gohmert believes in.

I’m not saying this is what all Christians believe, but a significant fraction do in varying degrees – particularly evangelical fanatics like Louie Gohmert.

And he’s not the only one.

World Net Daily – the only media source that makes Fox News seem, well, fair and balanced – is convinced “’OBAMA ARMY' DEPLOYS TO TEL AVIV TO TOPPLE NETANYAHU!”

Oh no! Not the Obama Army! They’ve deployed to Tel Aviv! The Obama Army!

Hell, I’d think Republicans would support Obama sending his Army to Israel, after all conservatives love to randomly invade the Middle East – and we declared the last war over, what? Two years ago? We’re overdue.

Leaving aside the question of why it’s okay with these people when Israel pumps millions into US SuperPACs in order to anonymously influence our elections via Citizens United, or why it’s okay for Israel’s prime minister to do an end run around our democratically elected leader and address congress directly in a blatant attempt to manipulate our foreign policy, let’s take a look at a few of the comments under the WND article:

image

 

God will not allow Israel to fall.

America will fall. Because democracy.

Everybody got that? There’ll be a test later. For extra credit, you may write a short essay on why God is okay with democracy and free will when it comes to elections in Israel but not in America – but you will be required to reference the relevant Bible passage and cite the verse where God only loves democracy if you elect conservatives.

 

image

 

On no! Not the Illuminati powered Anti-Christ! Anything but that!

Jesus Galloping Christ on a Vegetarian Velociraptor. Shadow government from Hell. Anti-Jesus. GOP RINOs. Domestic enemies within. Bible prophecy. If these people were talking about anything, anything, other than their ridiculous religion, we’d drop them with tranquilizer darts and commit them to involuntary electric shock therapy before they started eating their own feces. 

Lincoln would weep at what these droolers have done to the party he founded.

 

image

The Iranians have opened a front on Israel’s northern border?

Northern border? Did Lebanon and Iran swap places?

What is that? Creation Science geography?

image

Suicide by God.

That’s my personal favorite. Suicide by God.

Better do what God wants … or he’ll KILL ya with fire!

That’s right, suicide by God.

It’s just me, right?

I’m the only one picturing God in a dirty wifebeater, beer belly, cigarette, “Get in the Kitchen, Louie! And make me a sammich!”

Better kowtow to some foreign potentate or Louie Gohmert’s abusive deity will slap America around some more! Give us another cigarette burn to teach us a lesson, another black eye and a fat lip.

But it’s okay. Louie’s God loves us.

He does.

He just gets a little … angry once in a while. He doesn’t mean it. He can’t help himself. It’s our fault, for making him mad.

Boy, that’s what we should be basing national foreign policy on, right?

 

I have a question.

 

GIVEN Jews are the Christian God’s chosen people AND Israel is made of Jews THEREFORE Israel is favored by God, so  it FOLLOWS disrespecting Netanyahu is the same as disrespecting GOD.

We good so far?

Okay, so, when Christians such as Louie Gohmert loudly declare America is favored by the same exact God, doesn’t the same exact logic apply?

Is not disrespecting our president also the same as disrespecting God?

Doesn’t that make Louie a little bald troll-faced sinner destined for an eternity of brimstone and pitchforks? Right next to Netanyahu?

Well?

If not, why not? Is it more like the Pope?

You know, so long as the guy in the ruby slippers and the funny hat hates all the same people we do, he’s speaking for God. 

But when the new Pope starts sounding like Jesus, well, hell, that’s the devil talkin’ right there.

Okay, maybe that’s more than one question and, again, I know it sounds like I’m mocking somebody’s religion.

Because I am.

I’m mocking it so hard.

I’m mocking the hell out of it. Because it’s stupid. It’s ignorant. It’s a bunch of primitive apemen huddling in their cave, hiding from the storm, watching the tribe’s shaman with wide terrified eyes as he rolls the bones and tells ghost stories about the Angry Thunder God In The Sky and the lightning outside. 

Here’s the thing: If the President does or does not choose to meet with a foreign leader to discuss mutual interests, it should be for good reasons. Real ones. Ones that can be articulated to the nation who elected that president and backed up with policy and precedent.  This is how our founders intended America to work, they designed a government based on reason and intellect. Nowhere in our founding documents, nowhere in the Constitution, nowhere in law or precedent does it say our foreign policy should be based on Displeased Sky God Makes Angry Boom Boom!

These people keep attempting to insert their idiotic beliefs into my government and every single time they open their mouth it makes me just that much more determined to stop them.

When I wonder about this country’s future, it’s not some imaginary lightning throwing boogeyman in the sky I worry about.

It’s congressmen like Louie Gohmert.

139 comments:

  1. Can we just hose down Congress with thorazine and see what happens? Can't get much worse than this absurdity.

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    1. We could just install a Thorazine salt lick in the center of the Congressional floor and hope for the best.

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    2. The Goddess approves this message..and shes going to bip Louie

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    3. Would it be possible to make it a frozen salt lick so we can have pictures of their tongues sticking to it?

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  2. As a Christian, Gohmert and his crazed fellow travelers infuriate and frighten me. They don't really give a damn about Israel, they believe in the end times, and they believe God could use a hand in bringing it about. Also, I got a giggle out of the ad for Liberty University Online that appeared below the post.

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    1. Vince, you have a good point about how some even believe God needs a helping hand. (And, by God, it will be them!) Sheesh. How does one get to the point where they believe they know all the questions and the answers? Religiosity is a damn scary affliction and I am awaiting a decent pharmaceutical that can relieve the symptoms so the rest of us can sleep well again.
      Jennie

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    2. I got an aspirin ad. Hm. Whiskey sounds a bit more appealing.

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    3. To paraphrase a sign that showed up on the local Baptist church one time: "He is willing to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity."

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  3. Is the Obama Army anything like the KISS Army?

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    1. Why, yes! I'm glad you asked.

      Just as K.I.S.S. stands for Kenyans In Satan's Service, O.B.A.M.A. stands for:

      O bedient
      B lind
      A nti-Christian
      M arxist
      A meriKKKenya

      I hope that clears things up.

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    2. SO glad I asked. *wipes drink off computer screen*

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  4. As a Catholic, I'm not a big fan of taking Jesus' name in vain...
    ...but "Jesus Galloping Christ on a Vegetarian Velociraptor" is SERIOUSLY the best thing I've read all day!!!

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    1. I was always under the impression that "taking the Lord's name in vain" referred to statements like "If you don't do what I tell you, God will strike you down."

      Certainly seems like a bigger offense to me, anyway...this claim to be God's voice on earth.

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    2. I was always under the impression that "taking the Lord's name in vain" referred to statements like "If you don't do what I tell you to, God will strike you down.". You know, claiming to be speaking for God, that sort of thing.

      Sure seems like a bigger offense anyway.

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    3. Jesus, I think, preached to this point: ‘Again, you have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you have made to the Lord.” But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let your word be “Yes, Yes” or “No, No”; anything more than this comes from the evil one.'

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  5. Wow. Yesterday was a snow day here on the east coast and in the afternoon we watched that great old movie "Inherit the Wind" with Spencer Tracy. It saddened me when I realized we haven't advanced at all in our beliefs. How can this be?

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  6. Relax. Years ago my neighbour (yes, in Canada, where the extraneous "u" still reigns supreme) explained all this to me. It's not Obama - Armegeddon will be launched by the French. He even showed me the appropriate passage in Revelations:
    "And I saw a beast, as like a frog".

    ....I am not making this up.

    ...I moved far away just as quickly as I could.

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    Replies
    1. Learning this made my day! Thank you, Brother Wm.

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  7. Hey, now, don't you go casting aspersions on Louie Gohmert's asparagus there!

    How is that yokel allowed out in public let alone elected to Congress?

    Oh, that's right. Texas!

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  8. God. May. punish America.

    Mr. Wright, the first few sentences explain what happens to those of us who have their brains "stutter" upon hearing or reading such nonsense as was sputtered by the impossible idiocy of R-Texas Gohmert.

    I am impressed at your resiliency, as you recovered rapidly in the following paragraphs.

    Without apologies for shouting: KEEP MOCKING!

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  9. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For far too long we have regarded religion with careful respect, and the result has been a burgeoning group of hysterical fanatics that maintain a world view that their "faith" must be made law. I don't have respect for any group of people that thrive on and preach the attitude that no one deserves respect, or even their lives, but themselves and their twisted creed.
    I am guilty of the "unforgivable sin" (yeah there's an unforgivable sin) Why? I was baptized and I don't believe in this rubbish, probably because I actually READ the "Book" when I was 14. They all need to be called out, loudly and often.

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    1. I was the same way: when I was baptized it was the choice of the Sunday School teacher, not me. I was told "everyone's being Baptized and yew luv Gawd tew, doncha hunny?" I said I guess so and the next thing I knew, some loud crimson-faced man with a high white pompadour was dipping me in the big bathtub behind the altar. I wasn't thinking "praise Jesus" I was thinking "I hope he doesn't forget he's got me under water and start doing all that preaching stuff again." One day I just woke up and realized I don't want to get Crazy all over me. I love that Jim's words echo my feelings exactly.

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    2. Hey Jay Michael, They call that water boarding for God, I think!

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  10. Religion and government still shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Except at the Vatican.

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    1. There's nothing wrong with your sentence. :)
      \

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    2. You're right, Russ! You just made me chuckle! Thanks!

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  11. These people are scary. I find myself frozen by cognitive dissonance, the difficulty caused by not believing any one can be that stupid, and knowing that they really are!

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  12. The smite-y level of their God has deteriorated significantly since the days of Gomorrah and the big flood. Used to be, if something was going to be smited, God didn't fsck around. That angry son-of-a-bitch used to remove entire civilizations for his object lessons.

    That might just be why the rest of us are not afraid of him anymore. What's a random hurricane or school shooting compared to country-wide annihilation?

    Sorry Louie. Your God is lame. Let me know when we lose an entire time zone to some kind of smite-y natural causes, then you might have my attention.

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  13. As Stephen Crane said, so many years ago:

    "And the sins of the fathers shall be
    visited upon the heads of the children,
    even unto the third and fourth
    generation of them that hate me."

    Well, then I hate thee, unrighteous picture;
    Wicked image, I hate thee;
    So, strike with thy vengeance
    The heads of those little men
    Who come blindly.
    It will be a brave thing.

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  14. I've been studying Christianity for nearly a half century, and I don't recognize any God worth following in any Gohmert utterance. I do recognize a lot of fear and projection, though.

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    1. Isn't that what's taken over the pulpit? Fear of God over Love of God? Well, this is what happens when the balance goes toward Fear.
      Madness rises.

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    2. Someone should follow Gohmert's god-like entity, wherever it goes, and watch it very closely. I've seen that episode. They should bring their phaser rifles, too.

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    3. Actually, that was a movie.

      Star Trek V: Kirk Finds God And Kills It With Fire.

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  15. Okay. Here's the thing that has always bothered me. If this peculiar people believe that Israel is the most favored nation by God because they're Jewish... how come THEY THEMSELVES aren't Jewish? Are they the B-Team? The minor leaguers? I don't get it.

    Dr. Phil

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    1. That's exactly what I was thinking. But, maybe because that's the logical conclusion, they didn't think of that.

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    2. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJanuary 29, 2015 at 10:30 AM

      This always comes to mind when I someone points out that the Jews are the "Chosen People".

      [to God]

      Tevye: I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?
      Fiddler on the Roof

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    3. Something tells me they lack the intestinal fortitude to endure what the Jews have had to over the centuries.

      (Well, and converting to Judaism is pretty hard to do.)

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    4. Something tells me they lack the intestinal fortitude to endure what the Jews have had to over the centuries.

      (Well, and converting to Judaism is pretty hard to do.)

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    5. It's because THEY wish they were JEWISH people because they WISH they were that cool. And they hope to SAVE them. Or something like that. And by SAVING them, they think that they TOO will be SAVED. Or something like that.....

      Since I am Jewish *winks knowingly*, I know these things and am one of the cool people. Except I live here so I am one of the Godless Jews... I am so confused!

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  16. I don't know how it is that people like this fellow get elected to congress. Really.

    Jim, thank you for your prose. It gives me hope.

    Ally House, who can't figure out how to post under other accounts where I show up as XenaTuba...

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  17. Ironic the ad under your blog is for Liberty Online University "Online Christian University". Sadly, the crazies and the mean spirited have hi-jacked Christianity. The Bible to me is a guide book written by men not a rule book. I use my conscience to determine how to behave, I use the words of Jesus when He said Love God and Love your neighbor as yourself. Unfortunately, that doesn't work for the crazies and mean spirited because they have a high degree of self hatred.

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    1. The ads you see Sundaysue, are typically going to be websites/article you might have looked at recently on your computer. The ad that I see below is for the Geffen Playhouse which I was looking at recently on-line. Just so you know, somebody else's god is not trying to infiltrate Jim's page. Those guys are spooky enough already.

      CG

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    2. I read something recently that pointed out that the "modern" Bible is also a many times hand transcribed tome before it was printed. The letters that make up the sentence "God is now here" also make up the sentence "God is no where". Think there might be one or two transcription errors in the "final" product?

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  18. Sometimes, when I hear crap like this, I really start to wish that some parts of the Bible would come true, specifically, JC coming back, because I really, really want to watch him kick seven bells of shit out of Gohmert, Carson, Fischer etc while he tells them just how far off the fucking they are.

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    1. ‘Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord”, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only one who does the will of my Father in heaven. On that day many will say to me, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many deeds of power in your name?” Then I will declare to them, “I never knew you; go away from me, you evildoers.”

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    2. Forest Dweller, the problem is they wouldn't believe it was him even if he had a all the credentials specifying otherwise. People like Gohmert are evil, people like Carson are scary evil, because he's highly educated and that gives him a certain amount of credibility with some folks.

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    3. Every time I see that idiotic WWJD I say " throw up his hands in disgust at how his words have been perverted/twisted to serve someone self interest. "

      whitelilly

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    4. Always nice to see a Bugs Bunny fan, maroon is my favorite word to describe thses ijiots.

      whitelilly

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    5. Bob - They would, no doubt, demand to see his birth certificate, then claim it's the short one so it doesn't count, yell that the long one is an obvious forgery and the Republican official who certified it was tricked by the devil into doing so.

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    6. Well, we already *know* what happens when Jesus returns to earth and starts his work over again.

      Ever watched the reactions of Evangelicals to Pope Francis quoting the New Testament ?

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  19. "History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes.”
    Thomas Jefferson — in letter to Alexander von Humboldt, December 6, 1813

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  20. Hasn't America been punished enough by having people such as Louie Gohmert and his ilk as lawmakers? I think I would prefer the fiery death from above (or a least the rain of frogs. Bet those make good eating!)

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  21. Few things are more worth of ridicule and mockery than religion. Well said, Jim. Keep preachin'.

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  22. Jim, I am so with you on this topic. I have no issue with people choosing to believe in their own "sky god", but when they tell me it is the only god and that I must believe or go to hell, it doesn't work well with me! I have read some stories today that Netanyahu may have angered the Israeli people with this acceptance to address the US Congress. So instead of this working in his favor, he may find that he definitely overstepped the bounds of diplomacy in both Israel and America. May that be true and may he be defeated in his re-election bid!

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  23. Louie Gohmert holding any sort of office above dog catcher can only be seen as divine punishment. I wouldn't let that maroon clean my gutters.

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    1. What have dogs done to deserve him?

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    2. He couldn't cut it as a dogcatcher. The canines would outsmart him and lock him in the cages. Congress is the only thing he's qualified for.

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  24. Now, more than ever, religion being used as a device for control and manipulation of the masses is well on display. When statements like Gohmert's and Bachmann's are circulated, I often hear from Christians, "...not all Christians are like that."

    Bullshit.

    If you are Christian and your faith is important to you, sitting the pine bench and being tight lipped while your faith is co-opted is inexcusable. I have to wonder if radical Islam began like this. Just a few dummy Muslims deciding they have a direct connection with Allah so they can manipulate an agenda.

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    1. Actually, many Christians are not crazy right-wingers and they are critical of the crazy right-wingers.

      Guess who gets the air time?

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    2. LOL! Great!

      But also, a big part of the reason that we are having so much trouble implementing economic policies that would pull us out of the depression is another kind of religious morality; the "discipline and duty" northern European Protestantism that insists that economic problems are a punishment from god, and if people should be made to undertake harsh measures, against all economic knowledge, god will forgive us and make us prosperous again. This is being played out in Europe, which has now sunk into deflation, and especially in Greece, which is in agony.

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  25. Welp, none of the Abrahamists have ever been known for any attachment to reality.
    Talking burning bush? Rose from the dead? Flew to 'Heaven' on horseback? Any of that sound sane? Same old shit form the same old idiot descendants/followers of jealous in-bred goat-herders.

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    1. I walked away from my white-bread Methodist upbringing when I was about 14 (it was too dull, and I found speculative/science fiction to be asking/exploring much more interesting questions/possibilities). But Jeez (yeah, Him), doesn't the New Testament pretty much moot the tribal war-god rhetoric of the Old Testament? I mostly hang out with Unitarian Universalists these days, who eschew the OT, but struggle with their 1st Principle. I mean, how do you recognize the inherent worth and dignity of batshit-crazy apocalyptic maniacs?

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    2. Always happy to see a good word for the Unitarian Universalists. Great bunch of folks!

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  26. "Because it’s stupid. It’s ignorant. It’s primitive apemen huddling in their cave, hiding from the storm, watching the tribe’s shaman with wide terrified eyes as he rolls the bones and tells ghost stories about the Angry Thunder God In The Sky and the lightning outside."

    I see you have been to his district....

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  27. "And I saw a beast, as like a frog."

    Thank you.

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  28. I think its like Dumbledores Army? I dunno

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  29. I think its like Dumbledores Army? I dunno I'm just a dum liberal

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  30. frankly we would all be much better off if the crazed religious whack jobs would just expire however there is no shortage of stupid hominids being born.

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    1. Dear Gromit,
      unfortunately they breed at a truly stupifying rate.
      Regards,
      Jon

      "It's all happened before, it'll all happen again."
      The most dismayingly frightening words ever. ��

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    2. 2 sf references in one post, you win the prize. Shallow end of the gene pool, JMS in B5, and BSG the reboot.

      whitelilly

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  31. I’m the only one picturing God in a dirty wifebeater, beer belly, cigarette, “Get in the Kitchen, Louie! And make me a sammich!”

    So, Gohmert is gay-married to God? In keeping with the Judeo-Christian tradition, all I can say is, Oy vey, Maria...

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  32. If your god is powerful enough to create the heavens and the earth, why would s/he need any help from one of his/her many living creatures (us) to accomplish anything at all? Seems to me all those Muslims, and missionaries of various stripes, should just assume that an omnipotent being can do very well without any help from such a puny species as ourselves. The proof of how ridiculous the whole god/human connection is, would any
    omniscient deity actually hold a conversation with Michelle Bachmann?Michelle
    claims s/he does. Regularly. If unbelievers are so offensive to an all powerful god, s/he can certainly snuff us all out in a nanosecond without any assistance from puny humans. Or equally, s/he can instill every sentient being on the planet with whatever faith s/he likes.But since s/he has done neither, I suspect that she doesn't give a shit about us so we should simply quit bothering her and act like s/he doesn't exist.

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    1. Listen to Bruce Cockburn's ' Lord of the Starfields on YouTube, his take is the same as the Minbari we are the universe made sentient in order to know itself.

      whitelilly

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  33. Awesome post Jim. Thank you! Thank you!

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  34. I almost felt guilty ticking "You are my god" on this post. Fortunately, you are a different sort of god. Or maybe more properly, ShopKat is.

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    1. No no, Mike, you don't understand religion. God and Guilt go together, that's how you know clicking on that button is the right choice! ;)

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    2. LMAO - Now a cat Deity, that is something I could support, and of course, the cat's agree - that goes without saying. After all cats have proven their superiority...ever see one act guilty?

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    3. Never, embarrassed sometimes. Superior always, but not guilty.

      whitelilly

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  35. Bible believers tend to gloss over a major lesson from the Bible: God has repeatedly punished Israel for acting like jackasses. God's chosen people have repeatedly been spanked, to the extent of even being led into a couple of generations of captivity with fishhooks through their tongues. They are the ones who don't seem to have learned any lessons from their own history, they and their knee-jerk supporters.

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  36. "I know it sounds like I’m mocking somebody’s religion. Because I am."

    Thank you for that. I mean really, thank you, thank you.
    There in nothing about uttering a deities name that obligates me to feign respect for someones paranoid, dark ages, I got a boner for Jesus an' he's a gonna love me when all you sinners done bin' smoted, fucked up fantasy.
    As for democracy, I'm losing the faith. When pustules with surnames like Louie Gohmert keep erupting on the body politic I have a hard time seeing the condition as other than systemic.

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  37. I vote that we preempt the whole first-born thing and use the Major General Stanley defense. I.e., take advantage of the attacker's policy and declare ourselves orphans.

    Hey, it worked against the Pirates of Penzance...

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  38. When I was a questioning teenager a RC nun told me that the bible was a dirty book, in an effort to keep me from reading it. So I sat down and read it through, twice. (teenager-see above) Then I pretty much gave up on Christianity. It is so worth mocking.

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    1. There's a lot of sex and violence in the Bible. So, you know, she wasn't wrong. ;)

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  39. In an otherwise fine essay, you did make one misstep: snarking at John Phelan for not knowing his geography. He is clearly referring to Iran's support of Hezbollah, support that includes weapons. A reasonable case can be made that Hezbollah is to some extent acting as Iran's proxy, or at the very least would be much less effective without Iran's aid. So the line about Iran opening a front to the north of Israel isn't that kooky a statement.

    However, feel free to snark at him for not knowing the different between a line dividing two countries and a person renting a room.

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  40. "The Iranians have opened a front on Israel’s northern border? Northern border? Did Lebanon and Iran swap places? What is that? Creation Science geography?"

    Um, in fairness it's not exactly a secret that Hezbollah are Iranian proxies in their fight against Israel so I can see why the person would've said that. Yeah, there's not a shared border but it is Israel's northern border that is currently under attack by an Iranian backed and allied (maybe, arguably to some degree even run) Jihadist group. That comment if only that comment then does kinda make sense.

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    Replies
    1. PS. I'll stress that the second part of that comment about "Obama attacking from within" is utter bullshit and totally wrong. So to be clear, at most I'm awarding half marks there.

      Delete
  41. Only one question needs asking: how much green stuff has Gohmert taken from AIPAC.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, lets not go there please.

      Delete
    2. .. Because that comment has some really nasty echoes in its undertow and too many Jewish human individuals have suffered from lies (or at best stereotyping allusions) like that over the ages. Please don't.

      Delete
    3. I disagree. AIPAC is a political lobbying organization. Gohmert is playing politics. I'm no anti-Semite. Not at all. And I get really angry if people try to deflect discussions about politics, including Zionist politics, by calling them anti-Semitic when they are nothing of the kind.

      I'd like not to "go there" to. I'd like it a whole lot if campaign contributions from ALL interests groups in ALL forms were strictly controlled and severely curtailed. But we all know how easy it is to buy so many of our Congressmen these days. On almost any issue. So, alas, campaign contributions just are an issue, if we are talking about big oil, bit pharma, the chemical industry, the weapons industry, on and on, and that includes everyone who throws money at the bastards, including the Zionist lobby as well.

      Delete
  42. Most of the teachings of Christ I have no problem with even though I am agnostic, Christians on the other hand................

    As a recovering moderately conservative Republican (now there is a non-sequiter), them becoming the Party of God was one of the several reasons I left that cabal.

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  43. Louie Gohmert, and his followers are same kind of people that call the Muslims uncivilized. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

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  44. Christians should be up in arms. Louie Gohmert is doing more harm to Christianity than any atheist could ever hope to do.

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  45. Stanley fischer, FED vice chairman, has dual citizenship along with many, many others who control what goes on in this country and the vast majority of dopes in this country are clueless or have no problem with it

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  46. Great article!

    Small typo: "so long at the guy in the ruby slippers"

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  47. Louie and the slackjaws who voted him into office are indeed ignorant.

    But think about the people who made him a judge, and contribute the big dollars for his congressional campaigns. They are corrupt cynics. And they are winning.
    ~

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  48. The good Christians of the world, and there are many, should be speaking out against people like Louie Gohmert. The same as the good Muslims, and there are also many, are speaking out against the actions of ISIS.

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  49. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredJanuary 29, 2015 at 10:06 AM

    You know, so long at the guy in the ruby slippers and the funny hat hates all the same people we do, he’s speaking for God.

    Should be " . . so long AS the guy . . .," right?

    Also, paragraph or two later

    "Here’s the thing: If the President does or does not chose to meet with a foreign leader . . ."

    Should be choose.

    I'm not overly critical of how some folks choose to practice their faith, but this essay does pretty effectively boil down some of the more irrational aspects of Fundamentalism. We've either got free will (and the consequences of our actions are purely our own) or we do have a pretty abusive, micromanaging partner - assuming that you just ignore the fact that countless transgressions are somehow ignored (unless you assign random disasters to them - I never understand how the correlation works) and similarly countless other acts of compliance don't get recognized either (unless you somehow say that some random disaster that DIDN'T occur was somehow prevented by those acts). The abusive relationship is a MOST appropriate comparison. Nailed it - as usual.

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  50. "If you could reason with religious people, there would BE no religious people!"
    ~ Dr. Gregory House, ftw.

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  51. Jesus Galloping Christ on a Vegetarian Velociraptor

    Jim, I have to thank you. You managed to make me laugh long and hard through a migraine.

    My son, who is autistic, asked me once if G*d was autistic too. When I asked him why, he said "Moses hit the rock instead of what G*d told him, and G*d had a meltdown like I do." He was about 8 or 9 at the time. From the mouths of babes....

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  52. Doesn't Louie Gohmert's personal god know that bibi attended high school and college in the US. He lived in PA with his family. Bibi's god allowed him to cheat on his three wives including the one he is currently married. And then there's that pesky little thing that suggest Bibi is a CIA operative acting as Israel's Prime Minister put in place by the ole guard CIA. This may explain in part why he has become so overtly disrespectful towardbour beloved President.

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  53. Following are some helpful responses for you:

    "God. May punish all of America. All three hundred and fifty million of us. Sure, that’s fair."
    I'm sure you are aware of the concept of scapegoat. Pick someone high up and punish them for all the crimes committed by the people he represents? This just the equal and opposite version of that.

    "I’d think Republicans would support Obama sending his Army to Israel, after all conservatives love to randomly invade the Middle East – and we declared the last war over, what? Two years ago? We’re overdue."
    Easy. Israel isn't in the Middle East. It's in a spiritual DMZ.

    "For extra credit, you may write a short essay on why God is okay with democracy and free will when it comes to elections in Israel but not in America."
    Again, easy. Democracy is more of like a test, than about real choice. It's multiple choice final exam...vote wrong, and you get marked down, possibly by cosmic ass-kicking.

    "Lincoln would weep at what these droolers have done to the party he founded."
    Of course he would...he's a RINO.

    "Northern border? Did Lebanon and Iran swap places?"
    Spiritual north. Duh.

    "Okay, so, when Christians such as Louie Gohmert loudly declare America is favored by the same exact God, doesn’t the same exact logic apply? Is not disrespecting our president also the same as disrespecting God?"

    You aren't getting it. America isn't chosen by prophesy. It's been chosen after the fact, and if we reject that choosing, we'll lose the divine grace.

    " This is how our founders intended America to work"
    You're wrong. I have innumerable out-of-context, mis-attributed quotes to back me up on this.

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  54. "I know it sounds like I’m mocking somebody’s religion. Because I am."

    Yeah but you did it so well.

    I generally don't have much issue with believers and frankly if someone wanted to worship the dung beetle that's ok by me, just don't try to convince me that rolling a ball of shit around my yard is my ticket to salvation.

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  55. Hallelujah!!!Amen!!!Preach it Brother!!!Thank You Jezz..... Oh, wait. Sorry. For a minute there I had a flashback. Actually, the folks in my 50s-60s childhood church were nothing like that and would have looked at you like you had lost your everlovin' if you had tried such. They quietly went about "The Work of The Lord" and were polite about it. Fast forward to the late 70s and the changes in the SBC (Southern Baptist Convention for the uninitiated). The old folks I knew died out and the younger generations follow the new SBC "leadership" and are full of pious judgement and hate. It's the kind of church of which Loopy Louie is now a member.

    Jim, you are exactly right; it is the very definition of an abusive relationship. One I left long ago.

    There really are some of us out here who called ourselves Christian who have been fighting for justice and rights for a long time. Separation of Church and State is an important issue in our home. See: http://faculty.smu.edu/mchancey/pdfs/Crockett_v_Sorenson.pdf The hubs was an expert witness for the plaintiffs. We were harangued and vilified by "good Christian" types and lost some employment because of it. I would do it again in half a heartbeat. The hubs also stood on picket lines with coal miners in strikes against coal companies. There is more but I will not enumerate further.

    Some of your other minions may find the following interesting: http://www.alternet.org/story/155798/major_threat_to_religion_clergy_people_coming_out_as_atheists There are more of us out here than you may have guessed.

    As for the mocking... Carry on, Sir. Cary on!!!!!

    RAinNC

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  56. Thanks for the laugh! I needed it today. Brilliant and well said, as always.

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  57. In a sane society people like Gohmert would be considered abnormal. That atavistic tendencies he exhibits indicate he is a fan of the Salem Witch trials and would gladly continue that tradition.

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  58. Gerry the hawaiigentJanuary 29, 2015 at 8:40 PM

    Every time I hear and see Louie I wince for the electorate who sent this joker to Congress. He would have done well in the 19th century when Congress tried to vote USA as a Christian Nation. We are many Christian nations and many other religions and more and more unbelievers who don't think Bibi has all the right answers to the mideast situation. But I will listen to Bibi before Louie. Sounds like a barkeep, Louie;s Place. Women Seated...etc etc...Risible if they weren't a little dangerous in high places.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Gerry the hawaiigentJanuary 29, 2015 at 8:41 PM

    Louie sounds like a barkeep. Like Louie's Place for Happy Hour, and Ladies Seated. But he has position and might be dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
  60. In "A Knight's Tale" - the boys meet the naked, penniless Chaucer and take him in. Wat explains the arrangement to Chaucer: "Betray us, and I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your extrails I will w-rip... all the p... ung. Pain, lots of pain." That is arithmetic haiku compared with brain wilting gibberish spouted by Gohmert and his extended family of web toed, inbred, mush-brained, bible humping Christian Taliban fucktards.

    Most republicans couldn't find Israel on a map if you held one of their precious guns to the head of their pregnant high school daughter. I've been to target of their affection three times and I found Israelis to be generally arrogant, racist, self-absorbed, egotistical and not especially thankful for the $3 billion a year that the US taxpayer forks over to them. Israel is No 1 in US foreign aid payouts. And they turn a portion around and feed it back into the US election cycle backing their slobbering Bibbi loving GOP fanboys. Fuck them.

    Next time ur crazy GOP uncle spouts "That IDF is the GREATEST GODAM military in the WORLD!!" you ask him "How bout that Liberty, huh? Now THAT was a great coordinated attack. Your boys almost took her down, but not quite."

    If the Israelis are so hot shot then let THEM handle their own regional problems and leave us the fuck out of it. Respectfully, Tommy D

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  61. There's a brain imaging study showing that when people imagine what they think God believes, it's just their own thinking.

    "Believers' estimates of God's beliefs are more egocentric than estimates of other people's beliefs"
    PNAS vol. 106 no. 51 pp. 21533–21538, doi: 10.1073/pnas.0908374106
    http://www.pnas.org/content/106/51/21533.short

    In other words, ask a religious person what their god believes and you will get a deep look into their own thinking, however hateful and psychotic that may be. Gohmert is showing something, all right, but it's not based on anything but twisted psychology.

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  62. ""The thought that came to me," evangelical activist David Lane told Christian Examiner, "if the Lord called 1,000 pastors to run for an elective office, and each of them had an average of 300 volunteers, that would be 300,000 grass root, precinct-level, evangelical conservatives coming from the ground up, engaged in the political process. It would change America!"

    http://www.christianexaminer.com/article/issachar.event.slated.to.train.pastors.for.politics/48134.htm

    1000 more Gohmerts.

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  63. Hell, I'm a Christian and see through this bizarre, superstitious fixation with Israel. It's as if Netanyahu can do no wrong, and if you disagree with something he does - God'll getcha. It all goes back to John Hagee and his Word of Faith BS that if "you bless Israel, God will bless you, but if you curse Israel, God will curse you." It's just name it and claim it superstitious nonsense that has caught on like wildfire. Never before has the Christian faith been shoved so far up the collective ass of Israel. It has reached a point that if one Christian (say, myself) says, "you know, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with what 'ol Bibi is up to over there and how he's treating the Palestinians" another Christian will fire back with, "you know, if you were a True Christian™ you would stand with Israel."

    Netanyahu is an arrogant fool whose own family says is happiest when he's engaged in some sort of conflict, yet the Great White Christian Right loves him, beause he acts like a douche to President Obama. Oh, and he's apparently God's anointed. But get a fundie alone and listen to how they will whine about the "Jewish controlled liberal media". So much for standing with Israel.

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  64. Jaunita Jean brings the us "iDork", the Louie Gohmert translation app: http://juanitajean.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/LouieGohmert_iDork_1a.jpg

    The perfect Louie G description from the late Mr Williams: "You in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history." - Cheers, Tommy D

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  65. "The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, blood thirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously, malevolent bully." ~ Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion

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  66. I was reading a series of books when I found a strange word. 'Bonnyman', boogeyman seems to be derived from an old fear, the fear of Napoleon Bonaparte. The books were written by Patrick O'Brian, they're about the career of a RN officer in the Napoleanic wars.

    No real comment, like the posts still, just thought I'd pipe up with a small thing that seemed to be interesting to me.

    It's a shame we can't make more of our old fears into something that can be as easily mocked.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Let's face it, "our" god, like most of the rest of them, is kind of a dick.

    ReplyDelete
  68. "...and while you’re at it, ask Him why He decided to punish America for legalization of gay marriage in California by dropping a hurricane on New Jersey..."

    Cut God some slack here. He's still working the bugs outta that whole "aim" thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obviously, he was smiting with Google Maps

      Bruce

      Delete
  69. You made me yowl so loudly that my cat is giving me strange looks. Probably the same looks whenever I hear Goobert speak.

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  70. The one liners.

    Were you and Mel Brooks separated at birth?

    I laughed so goddamn hard I almost fell off the toilet... thrice.

    I was wondering about a couple things. Since I'm aware that you've been ripped off way too many times by twits who can't write their own damned material I was wondering if you'd be okay with my borrowing a phrase for something along the lines of this:

    *****
    To borrow a phrase from Jim Wright: We liberals aren't afraid that "Angry Sky God Make Boom Boom" and smite " 'MURRICA! " because birth control is coming to make your kids gay by taking guns out of their elementary schools while the Illuminati makes EPA regulations to limit capitalist "FREEEEEDOM!" that will be enforced by secret U.N. Death Squads.

    We're terrified that the cave dwellers who do might actually be able to get some of their idiocy forced into the laws that the rest of us have to live by.
    *****

    If you're okay with that then I'll probably include it in some of my apoplectic rambling the next time Republicans do something too stupid to believe; which should be in about ten minutes.

    Second, I was wondering if I could get your opinion on another piece of said rambling. If not then that's cool but my mommy taught me that it never hurts to ask. Unless I'm begging for money. Then the old man in the top hat might hit me with a his cane. Repeatedly.

    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2015/01/16/1358151/-Charlie-Hebdo-Attack-Well-Equipped-and-Professional-To-Newscasters-Stop-Faking-Drama

    In closing, I once clicked on a "Join the NRA" ad that actually had the balls to shot it's face here. I highly encourage everyone to do the same because it costs the NRA money, might get Jim a little income and after clicking it once you will see more and more of the same kind of "Join the NRA" ads on your liberal blogs.

    Click 'em. Click every single damned one of them and send as much of the NRA's advertising budge to our liberal bloggers as you possibly can.

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  71. Rep. Gohmert is not afraid *for* America; he's afraid *of* America - the real, present-day America, not the TP's fantasy of "Real 'Murica"(tm) that never was. That's why he and his ilk speak about democracy, but work to subvert it.

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  72. Jim, you've done it again...........even George Carlin would give you a stand up for this one.

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  73. I wish we could tattoo this on the sky so everyone would be forced to read it. You know, just for a little while. Then have it taken down again. Until the next one.

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  74. Oh boy! God is gonna get you for this. He's gonna get you and even me for reading this. in fact, he may even get my dog for sleeping next to me while reading this.

    You see the trouble you cause???

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  75. Well said, as usual..Every once in a while I will call Ghomert's office to make them aware of the fact that his meds aren't working.....If he were to take his act on the carnival circuit he could make millions....

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  76. Since Jim was kind enough to share his measured thoughts on Louie and Bibi and the speech that will not die, a couple other things have happened. The video of BLADE11 burned alive has gone viral, and it turns out that he was killed shortly after his capture and the whole "prisoner exchange" thing was a Daesh head fake and stick in Jordan's eye for joining with the Great Satan in their bombing campaign. ("Daesh" is CENTCOM's preferred new name for ISIS/ISIL as technically they are not a "state" and ISIS/ISIL lends a legitimacy they do not deserve. Also, Daesh is alternately a cobbled acronym of something or colloquial Arabic for "child raping, lunatic fuckwads.")

    Also in religious LaLa land, the President executed a perfect prank at some Prayer Breakfast (where no one seems to pray or eat the pancakes but there's lots of gum flapping). He must have told Biden "Watch this" before stating that ALL religions were guilty at times of being a little.....excessive with the whip, nails and Zippos. Boy Oh Boy did that get the Righty Christo Taliban ALL FUCKED UP!! Knowing exactly what was going to happen, Barry is obviously intending to enjoy his last couple years in the WHITE House (Maybe his last executive action will be to announce he will paint it black for maximum head detonations.)

    And Bibi and his GOP Ambassador are finding that maybe they DID overstep some line with the speech thing. But, like so often they lay the blame for bad planning on Boner and intend to make the speech anyway (minus Dems) cuz Iran is BAD and getting a big bomb is WORSE. What no one accepts is that the problem is not in having 'The BOMB', the real shit storm comes after USING the bomb.

    Israel has nukes (thanks USA) and has not used them. Why? Cause it makes for bad press. If Iran acquires nukes, it is assumed by Bibi and his GOP fanboys that the first thing they will do is conduct some above ground testing on Tel Aviv. Why would they do that? If the Persians decided to lob (or drive) a single nuke into Israel, we would have to dust off the old "defense of Israel" OpPlan and flatten Qom, Teheran, Shiraz, Bander Abbas, etc. Finally getting some value for money out of our own thermonuclear stockpile. (And making Lindsey Graham happier than rolling in crude oil with his male interns....ala Francis: "All I know is, I FINALLY get to kill somebody.")

    No, if Iran builds some nukes (and they actually work, AND they can deliver them intact, AND a hundred other things that need to be tested to make nukes a reliable weapons system), then why the hell would they actually USE them if the result would be having large portions of their population, economy and infrastructure schwacked by the Great Satan hisself? They wouldn't.

    The Persian Empire has been around much longer than Israel (in current form), the USA or even freedom and democracy. Despite recent events (since 1953 or 1979), they have a pretty refined muscle memory of international relations. Particularly with their immediate neighbors. Tension is OK. Open warfare is BAD.

    Even though is appears that "Iran backed Shiite terror groups" are causing a ruckus here and there, it is little different from our El Salvadoran death squads or our Taliban allies from Reagan years. You never know when the kids are gonna get out of hand.

    That whole Hizballah (Party of God) thing is a neat hobby and way to stick it to the man for the guys in black turbans. But back in Teheran they are keeping their attention on the greater need to improve the economy and turning a blind eye to young people (born >1979) watching internet porn, swilling black market hootch and heroin use. Anyone who thinks that a country of 77 million people with bigger problems than pushing the Nuclear 2d Amendment issue, really wants to immolate itself to make a Koranic/Torahnic/Biblical point is just fucking stupid. But then, I go back to the Prayer Breakfast blowup.

    There is a vaccine for measles. There is no vaccine for stupid. - Tommy D

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  77. PS - The thing about nuclear weapons is they have to be 100% reliable at both ends of the spectrum. They need to go 'boom' precisely when you need them. And they can never go off before you intend to use them. To learn more about our own American adventure in thermonuclear Russian roulette I highly recommend reading Eric Schlosser's "Command and Control". It features a young Bill Clinton and a creaky old Titan II missile. Enjoy - Tommy D

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  78. I'm just a casual observer of the US predicament from "Old Yourup" and I look in on your doings here from time to time. I was having a good sympathetic chuckle at this latest piece until I got to the end. This fuckwit is a CONGRESSMAN? An elected representative? I thought (in my Briton-living-in-France ignorance) reading this piece that he was just one of your looney Baptist Vicars from a backwoods church in some deep southern state. But you tell me he was elected. Who by?? Christ, that's frightening. I was worried for you chaps before but now? How the hell do you deal with that level of stupidity when it is dug into your democratically elected governmental machinery? Absolutely no idea. Good luck America.

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    Replies
    1. Now HOLD ON just a minute Mr. Frenchie-Brit! This USofA is a BIG place and there's room for the occasional harmless village idiot to spout and spew and we can dodge the spittle. Remember, there is more water in the deep end of the gene pool. And Gohmert is just an extreme example of the American dream; even helmet wearing, short bus toddlers can grow up to achieve greatness (because too few rational people live and vote in East Texas).

      And....and.......awe screw it, your right. Gohmert and his Kock backed brethren are a feature, not a bug, of how shiny, noisy imbeciles have taken over so many legislative bodies because we have become numb to the takeover of elections by fucking idiots and their owners. Because the US is so big, these issues appear to be far away and will have little affect. Until recently we could avoid the constant poo flinging. But the smell is getting pervasive now.

      France huh? You got a spare room, or spot on the floor? Tommy D

      Delete
    2. I agree it's hard to credit that the man is an elected official of any kind. But then, you know: Texas. The root source of so much of what is so moronic about American politics.

      Delete
  79. Frenchie-Brit? I quite like that. Wife's a froggie so she'll like the order.....Seriously, though, what are you going to do? Our host here is doing his bit and others are also but I reckon he's preaching to the choir, by and large (sorry about the church reference there...). Asimov's idea about of the cult of ignorance in the USA - you know, where he suggests that there is a false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge" seems to have taken over. It looks a bit like Zombie Apocalypse, I mean, you can't reason with them, can you? They'll just eat your brains....

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  80. "These people keep attempting to insert their idiotic beliefs into my government and every single time they open their mouth it makes me just that much more determined to stop them."

    Damned right.

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