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Friday, April 26, 2013

Various and Sundry For the Week of April 26th

Where do they get bottled water?

You know, that so-called "pure spring water" everybody drinks nowadays.

Where does that water actually come from?

The bigger question is: has anybody checked the water for funny chemicals lately? Is it radiation? Some kind of gene-spliced Franken-virus? Psychotropic drugs? Alien nano-tech? Glenn Beck bathing in the reservoir? The machinations of cats? What? There’s got to be something in the water is what I’m saying here.

Where exactly is that spring anyway?

I'm guessing that it's got to be in Louie Gohmert's backyard.

Because, man, speaking of Louie, it's been a weird month so far, hasn't it?

 

The George W. Bush Presidential Library opened last week.

Bush. Library.

Library. Bush.

Bush. Library.

Bush Library, those are two words you don’t usually see together in the same sentence, unless they’re caveated with the phrase “book burning.” 

What?

Yes, yes, I know, former First Lady Laura Bush is a librarian, but that just makes it even weirder (seriously, you’ve got to wonder about that arrangement. I mean she had to know, right?).  

The Big Dubya says he didn’t want the George W. Bush Library to be “all about him.”  He says history will judge his presidency.  

So, so very many jokes, so, so very little bandwidth.

Stonekettle Station was there, of course, way back in 2009, long before mainstream media. For you, gentle reader, I do it for you. And for the fame and the glory and the piles of genuine American cash bucks.

And the easy gratuitous sex.

But mostly for you.

Bush says he and former VP Dick Cheney have a “cordial” relationship.  Cordial.  I don’t know, man, I’d double-check the security if I was Dubya, and I’d stay out of cornfields and away from men with shotguns and orange vests.  I mean, we saw what Dick does to his close friends.  Cordial is likely to get you a ride on the ol’ Rendition Special and waterboarded in an undisclosed former Warsaw Pact satellite nation by large lumpy men with Bulgarian accents.

Cordial, that was the same kind of relationship Cheney once had with Saddam Hussein and look how that turned out.

Wait, what I am I saying?  I’m rooting for Bush here and how in the hell did that happen? But otherwise I’d be cheering on Cheney and his black clockwork heart, and no, wait, I, uh, Goddamnit, it’s hard to know who to side with in this relationship.

Cordial.

Listen, I’m just saying, if you drop by for a visit and the GWB library staff has Bulgarian accents, I’d run like hell.

 

And as long as we’re on the subject of testy cordial relationships that are likely to end with a gun “accident” in the middle of a cornfield, you’ve got to wonder how John Boehner is getting on with his soon to be son-in-law.

Seems Lindsay Boehner is engaged to dreadlocked Jamaican-born Rastafarian Dominic Lakhan.

Lakhan was busted on pot charges in 2006 – because, well, when you’re boffing a Rasta, giant knit caps and large fragrant buds of cannabis sort of come with the territory.

Boehner, as you’ll recall, is vehemently opposed to drug use, including and especially marijuana.  Plus he’s more or less head of the same group who isn’t real big on immigrants from the islands, mon, if you know what I mean.

And next month his daughter is marrying a Rastafarian from Jamaica.  

Now it’s not like we didn’t already know about Jesus’ twisted sense of humor when it comes to the children of conservatives (speaking of Dick Cheney) but man, this takes the cake (and the chips and the cookies and the leftovers and, hey, Dad, don’t you have anything to eat around here? I got the munchies baaaad. But I digress). 

I don’t know about you, but I sense one hilarious reality TV show in the making: Thursday night on Fox, it’s Mr. Speaker Gets Baked! Tensions mount when Lindsay brings her new husband home for the holidays. Things start out with a bang [overdub sound of rhythmic squeaky bed springs from the guest room]. Watch things go from bad to worse when a certain prominent Republican mistakenly eats a plate of magic brownies right before a big House vote on immigration!  Wake the kids and set the DVR, you don’t want to miss one minute of this week’s hilarious hijinks! (special guest appearance by Honey Boo Boo, brought to you by Doritos).

 

Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter.  Says he can’t be sure there aren’t more pictures of Little Tony floating around the blogosphere.

If I was Weiner (first thing I’d do is change my name and/or my fetish. So many joke, so little bandwidth), I wouldn’t worry about it, nobody remembers the warm-up band. No seriously, see, Bill Clinton joined Twitter this week.

It’s like the ribald comedy just writes itself, isn’t it?

With all the conspiracy theories flying around lately, I’m shocked that Alex Jones isn’t openly speculating on whether or not this is all a set up paid for by late night comedians. 

Think about it, two politicians famous for not being able to keep it in their pants?

On Twitter?

Weiner and Willie?

Even Jay Leno could get a couple of laughs out of that.

Speaking of getting a rise out of conspiracy theorists, apparently one of NASA’s rovers drew a naughty picture on the surface of Mars. 

 

NASA tried to deny it, just like Tony Weiner and Bill Clinton, but they’re not fooling anybody. Every guy who has ever passed out during a college dorm party recognizes that picture – usually they discover it the next morning, drawn in permanent laundry marker on a prominent part of their anatomy, right before they have to meet their girlfriend’s parents for brunch.

I’m going to be honest here, I can’t wait to see what the Face On Mars nuts comes up with for this one (Nuts. See what I did there? Ballsy move, right? But I digress).

Face on Mars, I suppose it was only a matter of time until we had a Wang on Mars.

And as long as we’re on the subject of nutty conspiracy theories, how about New Hampshire Republican Stella Tremblay (I swear I’m not making that name up). 

Not content with just being a run of the mill loony-tunes birther or buying into every goofy debunked conspiracy theory regarding the current president, trembling Stella went after Woodrow Wilson this week (Also, Trembling Stella is up for grabs as a band name, have your people contact mine. Rates are reasonable. I take PayPal).

During a state legislative committee on Federal Relations and Veterans Affairs this week, Tremblay stood up and announced that she wanted to use the last day of Black History Month to outline the contributions of African Americans to early America – and then she launched into a wild rambling unintelligible fever dream that began with Frederick Douglass and somehow got to President Woodrow Wilson being an enthusiastic supporter of Adolf Hitler.

“Woodrow Wilson, because he was a sympathizer and he believed in the Aryan race, he believed that Hitler was correct in the races, where our Founding Fathers believed that all men were created equal. He went through all the educational material and wiped out all the, uh, all anything, that he could about the true history, about how the slaves were a really good integral part.”

Just one thing: Woodrow Wilson left office in 1921.

He died in 1924.

During Wilson’s time in office, Adolf Hitler wasn’t precisely a nobody, but he wasn’t exactly front page news outside the beer gardens of Munich either. He’d just gotten out of jail for his treasonous attempted coup against the German government, the Beer Hall Putsch, and was more or less lying low and licking his wounds.  He was elected Chancellor of Germany in 1933 – about nine years after Woodrow Wilson kicked the old Aryan bucket – and didn’t become the actual Fuhrer until the end of 1934.

But hey, if you’re already a birther with a tenuous grasp of reality, why let a little thing like actual history get in the way of good conspiracy theory, right?

After connecting Wilson to Hitler in support of Black History Month, Tremblay worked her way around to the point: her bill to force New Hampshire to recognize what she says is the “original” Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution – which she says is really about strengthening the ban on titles of nobility.

Because apparently that’s an actual problem we have here in the United States.

The rampant, widespread, unregulated, willy-nilly conferring of titles upon the peasantry.

As I’m sure you know, certain raving nutters actual historians with actual degrees in actual American history claim that a constitutional amendment covering titles of nobility was ratified by the states in the 1800s and then taken out of the Constitution by Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War and replaced with the existing “Thirteenth Amendment” – which supposedly bans slavery.

See, according to Stella Tremblay, the idea here is that since Honest Abe allegedly pulled some kind of flim-flam, the US Constitution is, in fact, void.

Which makes America not a real nation.

Which somehow means it defaults back to the previous owner.

Now, just so you don’t think she’s completely nuts, Tremblay double-checked her historical facts with David Barton. Barton writes books, on American history, so he’s like an expert – never mind that his book, The Jefferson Lies, was taken out of print because it made actual experts in US history fall onto the floor and foam at the mouth in convulsions. 

According Tremblay’s spokesman, who addressed reporters in order to make sure the liberal Lamestream media didn’t take Trembling Stella out context, the United States is no longer a country.  See, it’s now a corporation chartered in the District of Columbia – which Tremblay's proposed legislation actually notes in the text.  And because the “real” Thirteenth amendment was ratified and then illegally removed from the Constitution by President Abraham Lincoln, Lincoln's actions dissolved the United States, which means he could not have actually emancipated the slaves.

Bummer, Black People, looks like you’re all still property.  Gives kind of a different meaning to Black History Month, doesn’t it?

Tremblay’s spokesman then went on to explain how the United States is still subject to Lincoln's declaration of martial law and is now under the control of Queen Elizabeth II.

I swear to you, I am not making this up.

It’s all true.

So terribly, terribly true.

But, really, folks, how awesome is a speech that begins with the contributions of African Americans via slavery, connects an American president to Adolf Hitler through posthumous Nazification (I visualize this process kind of like how Mitt Romney’s church can just convert random dead people into Mormons), manages to raise the lurking danger of unsuspecting Americans being suddenly raised to nobility (Wait, I’m a Baron? Goddamnit, I suppose I’ll have to order new checks now), and finally ends up with a declaration that reveals surprise! slavery is, in fact, still legal and we all belong to the Queen – all during a speech supposedly in support of Black History Month.

Anybody know if NASA is taking requests?

Maybe we can get Curiosity to draw a picture of Stella Tremblay in the Martian desert?

I’d chip in a fiver, as long as they made it big enough to see from Earth.

In fact, I’d like to pre-order the Hubble poster, please.

 

And then there are the poison letters.

Last week, somebody sent ricin-laced letters to the president, a U.S. senator, and an 80-year old Mississippi judge.

Predictably the conspiracy nuts went apeshit. 

But eventually all the sensational leads involving space aliens, Bigfoot, the CIA, and North Korea turned out to be dead ends.  This entire thing appears to be just another tired and clich├ęd case in which an alleged child molester named Dusty Dutschke, a part-time taekwondo instructor and part-time lead singer in a band consisting of himself and a robot, attempted to frame a mentally disturbed Elvis impersonator who believes the federal government ruined his life to hide its involvement in a secret plot to harvest organs from corpses and sell them on the black market.

Honestly, how many times have we seen this exact scenario?

On Wednesday, authorities were at a small retail space in Tupelo which Dutschke once used as a martial arts studio. Investigators in gas masks and Hazmat suits like something out of The Andromeda Strain were observed carrying large containers full of plastic-wrapped items from the building. Once outside, other officers started spraying down the protective suits with some sort of mist in an obvious attempt at biological decontamination.

Officers at the scene wouldn't comment on what they were doing – which, you know, demonstrates an admirable degree of self control. Because frankly, at this point, I imagine the urge must be damned near overwhelming to walk out of that building, face the microphones, and announce in a solemn and sincere voice, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we just found the zombified body of Jimmy Hoffa sitting behind the controls of a flying saucer holding the trigger used to bring down the World Trade Center.  Also, Mr. Hoffa had President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate in his pocket and the plans for a hundred mile per gallon carburetor… Ur, I mean No Comment! No Comment!”

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to run down to the hardware store and pick up a water testing kit.

I’ve got well water and a massive high quality filter system, but frankly, you can never be too careful.

Especially when they really are out to get you.

87 comments:

  1. Is Stella Tremblay married to a Rastafarian? That would explain a lot...

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  2. Of course Stella's from New Hampshire. Turns out that Kablamov Bro #1 bought the explosives in NH. Come on Stella...... fess up. What did you know and when did you know it !.

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  3. Jim, you are so funny. I laughed & laughed at this one. I guess it's true: "many a truth is said in jest." Please keep 'em coming!

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  4. "Gives kind of a different meaning to Black History Month, doesn’t it?"

    Now, there's a coffee-spewer!

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  5. Were there this many crazy people around in 1985, and we just didn't know? Or are there actually more now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know... I think they were around but back them we locked them in the funny suits....

      Delete
    2. There were just as many nuts in 85. But they didn't have the internet. They're a lot more visible now, which gives them much more influence.

      Delete
  6. So do you like your new Barony, Baron Wright? I petitioned my head of state, her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II for it specially! I remain, your humble servant, Elizabeth Lilly, resident of California and subject of the queen.

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  7. I wonder if Snoop Dog, excuse me Snoop Lion will be best man at the wedding?
    I saw a lot of coverage of the Bush Library dedication. I got a real kick out of watching all those Presidents trying to come up with something nice to say about GW. In all the coverage I never got to see the book. Maybe Cheney checked it out to do complete the redaction process.
    I'm waiting for Glenn Beck and the rest of those intellectual giants break the story that NASA is intentionally making obscene gestures to cause Wang the Merciless and his galactic cabal to launch an attack on the good old USA so FEMA can start rounding up all right thinking people and put them into the camps for their own protection and sell all our oil and gas to them for the secrete to transform lead into gold.
    Another great post.
    Funny stuff in a gallows humor sort of way.

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    Replies
    1. "In all the coverage I never got to see the book. Maybe Cheney checked it out to do complete the redaction process. " THE book... from the Bush Library. I love it!! My laugh out loud moment for the day.

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  8. Fascinating. Through other channels, I'd started reading about the sovereign citizen conspiracy theory (the crap Tremblay's talking about) on the Southern Poverty Law Center website. And now this. Hmmm....

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  9. Okay, I'll admit that I checked "Squirrel!" just for the fun of doing so ...

    I enjoyed this post immensely, as I do all of your writing.

    A fan in western Canada (but not the only one, I'm sure).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I added "Squirrel" primarily for those afflicted with ADHD.

      Delete
    2. So dogs have ADHD? Explains a lot.

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    3. AH! Thank you Jim! I thought that might be the case! Hey did you hear the one about Cheney, the purple flying monkey and the sheepdog?

      Could you tell me how that ends? I saw a squirrel and missed the punchline...

      Delete
    4. just for you, Lefty!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxoWHeoYU3g

      Squirrel!

      Delete
  10. I'm pretty sure Elvis was among the authorities investigating the martial arts studio in Tupelo. Hiding in plain sight in his birthplace.

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  11. I had a slow week, too...

    Ann C.

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  12. "Tremblay double-checked her historical facts with David Barton."

    Are you intentionally trying to kill me? You owe me one keyboard, monitor and possibly a lung transplant.

    "...and finally ends up with a declaration that reveals surprise! slavery is, in fact, still legal and we all belong to the Queen – all during a speech supposedly in support of Black History Month."

    Oh boy! I'd love to see Jon Stewart, John Oliver & Larry Wilmore play with that one. Except that with stuff like that, the Daily Show writers might as well turn in their pens and give up.

    And yes, Trembling Stella would be an awesome band name.

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    Replies
    1. "Oh boy! I'd love to see Jon Stewart, John Oliver & Larry Wilmore play with that one. "

      That would be *awesome*!!!!

      Delete
  13. Stella Trembly, knew I'd just seen that name. Adjectives fail me, does that woman have a coherent thought in her head? Well, if she says that Wilson was a Hitler supporter, probably not. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/26/stella-tremblay-idiot_n_3165140.html?utm_hp_ref=politics

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  14. Come listen to my story bout a man named Jim
    A poor Navy Chief, barely kept his family fed
    Then one day, he was shooting at a fool
    And up from Jims soul came a bubbling pool
    Words, that is, irony, sarcasm

    Well, the first thing you know Jims a budding author
    Kinfolk said 'Jim, get away from us'
    Said blogosphere is the place you ought to be
    So he packed up his cats, and he moved to Frozen Tree
    Alaska, that is, Palinistas, Militia Generals

    Well, now its time to comment on Jim's blog
    If he likes your sayings, he won't feed you to the dogs
    You're all invited to share his hospitality
    Just spit on the mat, and call the cat a bastard

    Free thinking that is, constructive debate, Take your blinders off

    "Now this is no shit"


    Danny

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    Replies
    1. If you're going to write me poetry, there better be wine and rose too. Just saying.

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    2. That's more than poetry, it's a song sung to the tune of "Davie Crockett King of the Wild Frontier" (or a title something like that) Pablo in Boston

      Delete
    3. Beverly Hillbillies....

      Danny

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    4. Now I've got it in my head, and will probably hear it all day...I just might have to watch the movie...Cloris, as granny, was terrific...

      Delete
    5. OMG! I love it... And DO be sure to get Jim some wine and roses and sardines for the Shopkat... They both deserve it!

      Delete
  15. Bush. Library. Library. Bush...

    Gets even odder. Barbara Bush on Son Jeb in 2016: 'We've Had Enough Bushes'

    I wonder what Drew Barrymore used on her neck after that one scene...

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  16. When I first heard that an Elvis impersonator was being questioned in regard to the ricin letters, I thought that reality had finally jumped the shark! Thanks for the hilarious month in review.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry, the above is from NaluGirl. IPad is not cooperating

      Delete
    2. It's worth mentioning that, when the Reich wing thought it was the Democratic Elvis impersonator sending Ricin, they couldn't stop from screaming and pointing, "See! SEE!!"

      Now that it's a Republican, they're utterly silent about it.

      The guy tried to use a chemical weapon to assassinate the president. Will he be treated accordingly? Of course not.

      Delete
  17. Have you read the Karl Rove judgement that Shrub is "right up there" with FDR, Lincoln, Washington, and Saint Reagan? As soon as my paroxysm of laughter subsided, I picked myself off of the floor whereupon I collapsed in guffaws again, holding my aching sides. Uncle Karl's delusions have reached a new level of whackadoo-ness.

    Pam in PA

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, well, Karl Rove was too far out there even for this post.

      Delete
  18. Don't forget to mail your old shoes to the GW Bush Library.

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  19. I just read the long version of your commenting rules. Between nodding my head in agreement and laughing my ass off I got so dizzy I almost fell out of my chair. So thanks for the headache, dude. :) Otherwise, I have to say I've been reading your blog for about a year now and I lurv it. So did my crusty old ex-Navy Vietnam veteran father when I introduced him to the genius that is you. Anyhow, just wanted to bow down and salute His Holy Snarkiness. And as for the subjects of this post, all I can say is Dear God. And Oy Vey. (Now I have a headache for a different non-fun reason).

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  20. This stuff would be funny if you were writing fiction. That it's actually commentary on current events sends it into "OMFG we are circling the drain" territory.

    Stick to the grain alcohol and rainwater. The only explanation for these levels of batshit crazy is an international conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids ...

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  21. Dark Suited Gov't Agent (DSGA): "Mr Wright, there's a fire."
    Jim Wright (JW): "I'm sorry, I don't have time to save the world."
    DSGA: "There's a fire Sir. You have to come with us."
    JW: "But, but...my cakes! And Shopcat needs a pedicure......"
    DSGA (unholstering stun gun): "There's a fire Mr. Wright. You have no choice."

    While we are on an obscure SciFi bio-warfare meme. Tommy D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been shot with a Taser, and pepper sprayed - though thankfully not at the same time. Actually I've had both several times now. Given a choice, I'd probably take the pepper spray over that goddamned stun gun, but that's mostly like choosing lions over crucifixion.

      I think at this point I'm mostly immune to both high voltage and capsacin.

      And it's not cakes, it's banana bread.

      Delete
    2. I'd take taser over pepper spray, any day. Its a short ride. Great post, although it is also pretty scary.


      Delete
    3. While considering which non-lethal control measure he would prefer (or not prefer), Jim did not actually deny that Shopcat needs a pedicure (In our house - cutting knives). Therefore, in our best Bush/Cheney syllogistic reasoning: Shopcat uses kitty litter - Litter is scoopable - therefore Jim admits that Project Scoop is real.

      Which proves that the Obama Feds are harvesting space bio-weapons to unleash on real Americans (mouth breathing, FNC watching, bomb them first GOPers) to turn their brains to mush. That's why the Chicago gang killed Michael Crichton the day Obama was first elected. Crichton had the goods on cosmic anti-GOP bacteriums being deployed on "real Merkins" to confuse them at the polls.

      The space germs appear to be working by the evidence provided by Jim in his many essays on all the Abby Normal brains occupying Repub skulls. Tommy D

      Delete
  22. I have it straight from Trembling Stella that very very soon the gub'mint is going to be able to send ricin-laced EMAIL. So we need to warn all those smart people out there, the ones who are brave and clever enough to figure out stuff like the Sovereign Citizen Conspiracy (also Bilderburg, False Flag Attacks, all that good stuff), what they need to do, fast, like TODAY is hunker down, head for their bunkers, lock the doors tight and FOR GOD'S SAKE STAY OFF THE INTERNET. Only the ones who are smart and strong and cunning enough to cut free from the web entirely will survive. The rest of us ignorant fools are going to suffer horrible, hemorrhaging-from-all-orifices slow and and lingering deaths, but those who lock down outta sight for, say.... at least ten years... if they are smart enough to not even once attempt to come up for air, or log on or even call out (it works down the telephones, cells, landlines, even on CB radio)... they the ones gonna inherit this earth. But hurry. The ricin she's comin' fast. Time's runnin' out.
    BB

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  23. Hey, lay off poor Stella! She has been taken completely out of context! When she said; "he believed that Hitler was correct in the races" she was referring to "Blue Boots in the third": a famous tip Woodrow got from his Austrian painter friend Adolph in 1905, which paid off at 10:1 and was the foundation of thw Wilson fortune.
    It's completely true, I double-checked my historical facts with Tom Waits.

    Now excuse me, I'm thirsty and need to get another glass of water.

    Bruce

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  24. Ms. Tremblay also said the Boston bombing was a terrorist attack carried out by the government. How on earth did this loon get elected (it scares me think about the people that voted this wingnut into office)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's New Hampshire. There weren't a lot of choices.

      Delete
    2. Tremblay is just a marker.

      There's a fair percentage of the electorate who are crazier still, ....and they vote.

      Delete
    3. Wait, it's New Hampshire. There ARE a lot of choices. There are over 400 members of the Legislature. That's like one Representative for every 8 people. If you and your wife have 6 kids, your family gets its own Representative!

      Delete
  25. There must be something in the water, especially in Texas, Texas must not "believe" in zoning either, hard not to wonder how a town would be allowed to develop so near to a plant with that kind of destructive capability. louie ghomert, and the harvard grad, ted cruz...ghomert has said so many fantastic things, I'm to the point where I watch him just for the humor....a little scary, and maybe sad, but true. Fear is a mind killer.....your post reminded me of General Jack Ripper and Colonel Bat Guano....good yuks, I love your writing, I wish I could express my thoughts and observations as well as you do...good work as always.

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    Replies
    1. In Texas we send our craziest pols to D.C., where hopefully they can do the least amount of damage. As for West, there are probably hundreds of plants in Texas and across the midwest that are within explosion radius of local citizens' residents and businesses. I know people there and they all pretty much call it an accident. No one planned for the building to catch on fire and smother the stockpile to render it bang. Hell, a whole railcar of the stuff was blown sideways off the railroad track and it just spilled out on the ground. Perfect storm. Hard lesson. They'll get more effective regulation from insurance than the government. Most of the farmers I know prefer urea or use liquid ammonia for fertilizer, ammonium nitrate being too expensive. West is kinda a cool little town, btw. Heavy Czech influence, good bakeries and whatnot.

      Delete
  26. Even if the Constitution were found to be null and void, what, in the name of all that's holy, has that got to do with England? It is the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution, that addresses the issue of separation from English rule. The Constitution addresses how we will govern ourselves as an independent nation.

    Do they teach history or civics in school anymore? Just askin'.

    Jeanne in WV

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    Replies
    1. Do they teach history ? Yes, the standard right wing revisionist Texas schoolbook kind.

      Do they teach civics ? No, not anymore, they don't teach civics at all. ...

      Delete
  27. Weiner and Willie?

    The Two Willies: Slick and Free...

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  28. Have Tremblay and Orly Taitz ever been seen together POIDH.

    Oh, and:
    I'm pretty sure Elvis was among the authorities investigating the martial arts studio in Tupelo. Hiding in plain sight in his birthplace.

    Dunno 'bout anyone else, but I'm definitely dusting off Bubba Ho-Tep this weekend...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No edit function, eh? grumblegrumble.
      If you insert a "?" after "together", the post might--or might not--make more sense.

      Delete
    2. It's an essay that contains Woodrow Wilson, Adolf Hitler, a birther, Dick Chaney, a Rastafarian, pot brownies, an (alleged) pedophile, an Elvis impersonator, Bill Clinton, a Martian penis joke, and zombie Jimmy Hoffa in a flying saucer.

      I wouldn't worry about the missing question mark. I'm just saying.

      Delete
    3. He's talking about being unable to edit his own comment. Just saying...

      Delete
    4. Look, the question mark is on Mars!

      Bruce

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    5. Looks more like an ampersand to me. An ampersand in the sand. And of course NASA did it intentionally. How I knows that? Simple. The ampersand is a ligature of E and T (Latin for "and"). ET. Heh. Oh, NASA so funny...

      Oh, did somebody mention useless trivia?

      Traditionally, in English-speaking schools when reciting the alphabet, any letter that could also be used as a word in itself ("A", "I", and, at one point, "O") was preceded by the Latin expression per se ("by itself").[3][better source needed] Also, it was common practice to add at the end of the alphabet the "&" sign as if it were the 27th letter, pronounced and. As a result, the recitation of the alphabet would end in "X, Y, Z and per se and". This last phrase was routinely slurred to "ampersand" and the term crept into common English usage by around 1837.[

      There ya go...

      Delete
  29. Jimmie didn't have the plans for the 100mpg engine, he had the plans for the water burning engine. Seriously, man, you've got to get the story straight.

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    Replies
    1. Guido! I heard those stories all through grade school and high school.

      Not a "gas pill", but close. By which I mean it uses water. And it's real. Even if it too inefficient to ever reach street level...

      Delete
  30. Let me guess, the wife was away from home this week wasn't she?

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  31. In other WTF news, John Boehners daughter marries Rastafarian....http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2314065/John-Boehners-daughter-marrying-Jamaican-born-man-arrested-possession-marijuana.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You do know that was mentioned in the text of the blog post, right?

      Delete
    2. I was laughing so hard at the other stuff I totally missed it! Sorry for being redundant, Jim.

      Delete
  32. You know, this stuff could terrify me. But then I remember that I have worked in the customer service industry for half of my life. And the familiar blessed numbness to nutbars sets in.... And I really don't think I can be surprised by the depths to which people can sink anymore. Appalled, yes. Surprised, not so much.

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  33. Tremblin' Stella is a nutjob, but she did manage to grab onto a tiny bit of reality: There was a Thirteenth Amendment (at the time) which would have stripped citizenship from any citizen who accepted a Title of Nobility from a foreign power or sovereign WITHOUT THE APPROVAL OF CONGRESS. So Congress can approve such a thing? Hmmm. But I digress, the Amendment was adopted by Congress in 1810 in response to Napoleon Bonaparte's nephew, Jerome, having married a Baltimore woman, Betsy Patterson, and bore him a son, Jerome Napoleon Bonaparte. Betsy wanted the son to be recognized by the French a nobility. Some have said she wanted the recognition as Uncle Napoleon had annulled the marriage and wouldn't allow Betsy into France. She was often referred to as the Duchesse of Baltimore.

    One of Jerome Napoleon Bonaparte's sons was Charles Joseph Bonaparte, 37th Secretaary of the Navy under Teddy Roosevelt. (Okay, I admit I'm a history nut and love insignificant trivia.) He lived in or around Baltimore until his death in 1921, but never allowed electricity or telegraphy be installed in his home as he hated technology. So Jim would never have gotten to email him.

    Upp! I digressed again. I meant to point out that this particular amendment could still end up enacted if enough states ratified it, like they did the nearly 200 year old proposed amendment which ended up becoming the 27th Amendment, which Congress promptly put in a fix similar to the fix for the "problem" with the airport sequestration "problem." But Trembling Stella ignored the other potential 13th Amendment. I guess she was too busy trying to connect the dots between Wilson and the Nazis . . .

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    1. I thought the trembler's (patently absurd) argument was that Lincoln somehow illegally shifted some of the ratifications of the proposed 13th amendment you so succinctly describe to the actual 13th amendment that abolished chattel slavery. BB

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  34. I keep wondering if I will ever be able to comment from my iPad again. Any chance in adding Disqus to the comment options?
    old Navy Comm O

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  35. Hurrah! Able to comment.
    This was hilarious, Jim. Well, maybe I should say this would have been hilarious were I not thereafter cast into pits of despondency in considering the numbers of people who do not find the hilarity...
    The crazies in the world may not yet outnumber the un-crazies, but they procreate and they vote and that in itself is enough to make the world today a scary place.
    Thanks again, Shipmate.
    Old Navy Comm O

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  37. If the country is returned to the original owner(s), I plan to get a casino job at whichever reservation I end up at.
    Thank you Steven Kent for you entertaining and informative post! Even if you totally made it up.

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  38. So Lindsay is a female Boehner sprout? I thought Lindsay was a male Graham-cracker!

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  39. There's just nothing I can say. You crack me up. Thanks for the hardcore fit of laughter. Write on, King James of Alaska. What's that? You're not King? Well you should be.

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  40. Bottled water and Louis Gommert, eh? Well, Ozarka has a bottling plant in Hawkins, Tx, just north of Tyler. I'm not certain if its in Gommert's district, but its close enough. FWIW, it is regulated as a public water supply (federal and state) so daily samples of the water are tested for various an assundry pollutants and bacteria. That won't keep it from tasting lousy if left in the sun awhile.

    Minor quibble: Cheney shot his buddy in a pasture (mesquite savannah), not a cornfield. They were hunting quail and quail don't hang out in cornfields (that would be pheasant). Here in Texas inquiring minds want to know if the library will feature the "Mission Accomplished" banner.

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    1. You are correct,Don!
      The well is in Loopy-Louie's backyard.

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  41. http://www.boston.com/news/local/new-hampshire/2013/05/03/gop-lawmaker-apologizes-about-bombing-comments/jCynC4WTlnLWF58Emo5MSM/story.html

    Stella is at it again!

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  42. Hi Jim - Follow up to the sundry crazy and mundane from 26 April, what is with the NRA conference in Houston? (I know, I know....its like an 80's Poly Sci midterm question: "Russia is bad. Explain. Be brief.") I am not following NRA antics, but the occasional crazy particle of it impinges on the real world. Apparently they are accusing the "gun haters" for becoming over emotional over shredded first graders and movie goers, and ganging up with Obama to eliminate their FREEDOM.

    If every Bostonian had a mandated CCP and gun (aka Freedom Maker), then they could have hosed down the Muslim terrorists in the marathon crowd before the pressure cookers went off...or something. It is the police and Fed's fault that the poor people of Boston were imprisoned in their homes while Muslim Terrorists were running rampant. According to Wayne, the cops should have stepped back and let the cool, measured locals deal with their own neighborhood policing in the only way that the 2d Amendment is meant to be deployed. In complete and utter FREEDOM!

    Funny thing about guns that I notice every day at work. There are always several guards on duty In the lobby of my undisclosed three letter location in VA. But there is always one fella standing inside the turnstiles, back to the wall with an open view of the front doors and open atrium. Whoever gets this duty is in full body armor, low holstered Glock and a slung 12 gauge with reloads. At first glance he seems to be an extreme figure, considering that you cannot enter the parking lot without an ID check, and then negotiate the millions of dollars of fencing, low speed access and deployable barriers just to park your car and walk in under observation of myriad cameras. (aka Cheney/Bush Anti-Terrorism tax dollar giveaway).

    But then, shotgun dude is not there for the terrorists. He is there for me, and my govie and contractor brethren. He is not there to draw down on a pressure cooker wielding Chechen or lost gang-banger who somehow got past the ECP. He is there to convince the workers that no matter how stressed or disgruntled they are about sequestration, it would be a bad bet to bring your little piece of Freedom to work and try to terminally deal with your office partners nail cutting, or coffee slurping.

    Despite the fevered dreams of Wayne, Sarah and the NRA assclown show down in Houston, the biggest threat that most of us have to deal with is our family and coworkers exhibiting an over exuberance of Freedom and poor judgement. At least in my building, the landlord has no limit to the force he can bring to the party. I only hope they can pick the right targets and shoot straight.

    As our NRA and corporate pets in Congress cannot rebalance their souls or karma against dead children and other unlucky citizens, I must walk by shotgun boy each day as a reminder to keep my god given 2d Amendment rights in check. Tommy D

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    1. Tommy D,

      What you say makes sense, but what happens when Shotgun Dude gets pissed off and decides to go postal? Have you got 50 cal dude standing by to put the fear into him? And who puts the fear into 50 cal Dude?

      BB

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  43. Truth BB. It has occurred to me that our rent-a-cops might bring their 'home to work with them' (so to speak) and share their angst with the rest of us. The only thing stopping that is the other guards, who hopefully can recognize something different about Billy Bob, and be able to neutralize their workmate before too many of us become more Freedom statistics. Tommy D

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  44. I've really got to stop drinking tea when I read your missives! That's the 2nd keyboard I've ruined since starting to read your stuff!

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  45. I know! I know! Maybe Monsanto is winding up it's 20 year gene warping project and we were the unwitting guinea pigs. (They seem to have concentrated their studies below the Mason Dixon Line.) Next comes the brain chips.

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    1. 'Brain Chips' - the favorite game time snack of Zombies.

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