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Sunday, March 18, 2012

Letters from the Porn Wars

 

War.

Is it just me, or do we seem to be having a lot of wars lately?

I mean just in the general sense.

It seems you can’t turn around nowadays without running into another charge of the right brigade.

Now we Americans, we love war. We do, don’t we? Right from the birth of the nation, Americans have loved war the way Brazilians love soccer.  We love war the way Canadians love beer and the English love misery and Australians love sheep. We love war the way the Japanese love a little girl in a sailor suit.  Sure, war, that’s our thing and we’ll die with our boots on, you bet. 

To paraphrase the late great George Carlin, we’re not much good anything else these days, but war, that we can do. From twelve O’clock high to the darkest hour, it’s our great escape.

We have a major one every twenty years or so.  And a couple of minor ones in between.

Heat of battle, cold war, police actions, bush wars and brushfire wars, from Algiers to Zulu and a dirty dozen in between, we love ‘em all. If it’s war and peace, we're not stopping midway we’re going for the glory.

And when we’re not at war elsewhere, well, we declare war at home just to stay in practice.

War on drugs, war on terror, war on poverty, war on guns, war on religion, war on science, war on Christmas, war on business, war on obesity, war on illegal immigration, war on saggy pants, war on crime, war on music, war on Wall Street, war on socialism, war on freedom, war on education, war on the homeless, war on this and war on that.

Hell, we once fought a war to end war, and we won!  

We just love war, we Americans. That’s why so many Americans drive Hummers and carry guns, we’re always looking for some war.  We don’t always need thirty seconds over Tokyo, but a quick skirmish in the Wal-Mart parking lot or a running fire fight on the I-5 would do nicely, anything to stay in practice for the next big one.

We’re open to suggestions, you just tell us what you want blown up and we’ll have the B-52s commence carpet bombing at dawn.

At the moment, seems we’re in the midst of a war on women with new fronts opening every day.   Frankly, I can’t get excited about this conflict.  Sooner or later, I’m probably going to get court martialed.  See, I’m far too inclined to fraternize with the enemy.  Listen, you guys stay here and guard the tree-fort, I’ll go over to the enemy lines and see if I can negotiate a cease fire. Soldier, hand me that bottle of wine.  If I’m not back by dawn, send room service and remember the fighting 69th!

War on women, how’s that going to play out?

I don’t want to sound like a defeatist, but, men, we’ve lost already.  Here’s why, women have all the vaginas. 

They didn’t tell you that when you signed up, did they?

It’s like nuclear weapons, they’ve got ‘em and we don’t and sooner or later they’re going to use ‘em.

It doesn’t matter how big your bunker buster is when the other side can totally go all Sargent York on your ass.

Oh sure, the war effort is pouring money and research into artificial vaginas, perhaps ones that could even fit into a pocket, and we’ve got fabulous kill squads of Log Cabin Republicans, but like a gaily painted V-2 rocket it’s too little, too late. 

A couple weeks back I read that the Left had declared war on babies.

Now see, I could get behind a war on babies.  I think we could totally win that.

Think about it, babies suck. I hate babies, they’re such selfish little bastards. They drool. They smell funny.  Babies never offer to pick up the tab.  They don’t drink, but do they ever volunteer to be the designated driver? No. I hate that. They’re everywhere too, they’ve totally infiltrated our society.  Illegal aliens? Gimme a break. You know how much babies cost us each year?  Talk about a drag on the economy.  So, yeah, war on babies, I’m hip. They’re either eating or sleeping or crapping, when are they going to train for war?  It’s hard to fight with a load in your nappy. They don’t cooperate worth a damn either. They’ll probably start crying at the sight of first blood. They’re easily startled by loud noises, one good artillery barrage will have them howling for their mommies. Babies are weak.  Old and lamed up as I am, I’m pretty sure I could take a dozen of them at the same time in close quarters combat, more if the rules of engagement let me steal their snotty little noses.  Babies have lousy hand-eye coordination, I bet they can’t shoot for shit.  Sign me up for this one, I hate babies. USA! USA!

And you know, it’s about time we got an easy one, we’ll totally put those babies in the hurt locker.

And then, this week, Rick Santorum declared war on porn.

Well, alright! Put on your green berets and follow me, men! We can lick these filthy immoral …

Wait. What?

War on what’s that you say? Porn?

Hey, now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not unpatriotic. I like a good war same as the next American, but when I first heard General Santorum’s declaration of war on the Kingdom of Porn I had some serious misgivings. I thought, you know, this might be a bridge too far, this could be an apocalypse right now.  Waging war on porn could be our Dunkirk, our Waterloo, our downfall (I know, I know, now I’m just being a pain in das boot, but hey, we were all soldiers once, weren’t we? And young?).

War on babies, that’s one thing. War on women, little more difficult but winnable unless they unleash the big red one, go all crimson tide. But war on porn? 

Does anybody really want that?

Porn is a lot like China, sure we say we don’t like them but they’re our biggest trading partner, aren’t they?

I just don’t want this to turn into another war on drugs. Remember that fiasco?  We thought it was just going to be a walk in the sun, but it sucked up the best years of our lives.  What if the war on porn turns out the same way?  People will be making illicit porn in their basements and bathtubs and the next thing you know stores will be keeping cameras and the KY behind the pharmacy counter with the pseudoephedrine. They’ll be smuggling it in from South America, you know they will, or maybe Thailand. When I was a kid, the potheads used to debate the merits of different kinds of Mary-Jane, from Baja Gold to Maui Wowie, will our kids end up arguing over the different flavors of illegal porn? Vatican Twink to Mormon MILF?

When Navy and Coast Guard ships are sent to the Eastern Pacific to hunt drug smugglers, the sailors call it a “crack pac” – the war on porn is going to give that term a whole new meaning.

You know some people need porn, right.  Hey, I’m not saying that they’re addicted, they just use it to unwind after a long hard day.  What about those people? Sure the priests and politicians will be able to get it, same as always, but what about the common man?  Will they have to seek out some back alley porn dealer?  Or will states make an exemption strictly for medicinal purposes?

Think of the cable companies! And hell, the internet will probably be out of business in a week.  I mean, seriously, without porn what the hell is the net good for? Email?

But then I thought a bit more about it and I said to myself, why Santorum, you inglorious basterd, you!

As long as it’s for America, I mean.

"America is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography.  It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking."

A pandemic!

I had no idea it was a pandemic

I thought we declared war on pandemics a while back? No? Well Hell’s Angels, we’d better get to it then.  A pandemic. 

For America!

The war on porn will be long and hard and we’ll likely face stiff opposition, but we won’t take it laying down, will we?

Yes, yes! For America

Remember how World World II kick-started the economy and ended the Great Depression? With the war on porn there’ll be jobs for everybody, hurrah!  Jobs and liberty, and tanks.  We'll secure our borders, end hunger, cure poverty, defeat homelessness!  The war on porn will end forever predatory lending and runaway healthcare costs!  Watch the gas prices fall as we advance on the smut masters who hold our economy in check, those filth mongers will finally get what’s coming to them.  No more porn subsides to the Midwest I say!  As the bastions of porn fall, so will taxes.  No more will we allow porn to spend our children’s future, with the final defeat of the porno dictators balance will be restored to the national budget and the trillions we spend on wanker material now can be diverted to more useful pursuits, like war.  Nothing will keep rogue nations in check like the war on porn, yessir, once they see what we do to porn they’ll be bending over to please us.  No porn, no gay marriage!  It’ll be traditional family values just like at President Santorum’s church, ok, that’s a bad example but I blame that entirely on porn. 

Uncle Samortorum needs you to help spank porn’s ass.

For America, for mom and warm apple pie!

So, don your chastity belts and put on your full metal jackets and remember loose lips may sink ships but the ships go down smiling.

Now, let’s get out there and beat porn.

For America.

50 comments:

  1. "The war on porn will be long and hard and we’ll likely face stiff opposition, but we won’t take it laying down, will we?"

    I see what you did there...

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    1. Well, yeah. That. In my defense, I should totally get credit for not using a "saving Ryan's privates" with all the other war movie references I threw in.

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    2. We all appreciate your restraint, Jim.

      Speaking of restraints, am I the only one who's mentally, morally, and emotionally conflicted over whether or not being a POW in the War on Porn would be the awesomest thing ever?

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    3. Full Rubber Gimp
      Apocalypse Now, Now! NOW! Oooooohhhhhh...
      Miss Kelly's Heroes
      A Brassiere Too Far
      Lawrence Does Arabia

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    4. How about Lawrence Does a Labia?

      I think it would depend on which POW camp you were in. There could be very unpleasant and unpleasing POW camps associated with the War on Porn.

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    5. Not sure Lawrence had much interest in labias. Kinda porn he probably would have gone for would be more along the kind Santorum would by all indications most enjoy. Basically all male S&M.

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    6. "How about Lawrence Does a Labia?" I think that was the Oriental remake.

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  2. Not that I am for slave trafficking, but if you are referring to the good old videos and lap dancing...Sanctimonious Santorum better look into the taxes that would be lost with this foray...beginning to sound more like the war on alcohol, and we know how that one turned out..more crime, more mafia..less money in the government's coffers...and another amendment to repeal the original nonsensical one that started it all...And some of the male military brigade better think about that war on women...thinks could get beyond hinky if there was a boycott on more than birth control pills. Did you guys read the extent of usage by American women of artificial birth control...pills or shots--during their breeding years? 99%////99%//// so do you really go home and talk to your wives? about anything? Or you would know that the reason you get good sex...and not pregnant wives every time that happens is because you both have agreed on contraception of some kind...Where are the Trojan manufacturers in this war on women???Their sales going down too? And how about Viagra stock? Because if no one is using b.c.pills then their stock must be going up...and the hospitals should build another wing for the baby centers...somehow that is not happening...And if Viagra is going up, what is happening to the companies that produce birth control pills.???Sales going down? Bet not...just bet not...

    Marilyn Ciucci

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    1. Sales will stay the same. No contract prices with insurance companies means higher prices.

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  3. This post may be the most funny ...and most sad ...you have ever written. Can anyone name a single war we have won since WWII? If you want something to epically fail, declare war on on. Gah!

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    1. The (1980's) Falklands War? Okay that was the British but still - who is 'us' just US of A or others?

      The 1991 Gulf War where we freed Kuwait was a victory & The war against Serbia in the early 1990's for Kosovo's uindependence and Bosnias? Even earlier this year /late last year we "won" or helped win the civil war in Libya against Gaddafi didn't we? Sort of?

      (Hey, you did ask!)

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  4. This is just another example of the Right just trying to out crazy each other. He is just saying this to appeal to his base. There is no way this would happen. How did that go the last time somebody tired to take Larry Flynt on? The porn industry has way deeper pockets and there is that whole 1st Amendment thing hangin around.

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  5. What's missing is the war on God - which God - any God - all of 'em. Who guides all these damn wars - God is on our side - God is with us - Praise the Lord we will win - The crusades by any other name.

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  6. I think it's time we declared war on war. Maybe throw ourselves into some kind of endless loop ... endless loop ... endless loop ... endless loop ...

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    1. We'll declare war on declaring war... Then declare war on declaring war on declaring war... Then we'll have to declare war on declaring war on declaring war on declaring war...

      How far can this go before we divide by zero?

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    2. I think that would be Catch 22 ...

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  7. It's kind of scary how well you can mix together the oblique battle/movie references and the porn puns. You inglorious basterd, you!

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  8. I don't think he's serious...he's realized he's gone too far with the whole misogyny, war on women thing (as you so elegantly pointed out) and he's used the "porn war" thing to sneak in a few misdirecting phrases, like "It contributes to misogyny and violence against women.". Smoke screen to hide action - Purple Haze ya know...

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  9. Research shows that porn actually HELPS wackos not follow their violent urges against women. After all, there's always another video in the queue, and they don't really want to leave that.

    Except for priests. I think that in their case, we should simply declare war on altar boys.

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  10. You know...we (my husband and I) have just discovered your blog...we get quite discouraged following the news these days. It is good to know there ARE others like us "out there". Keep writing, please!

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  11. Why is Rick still polluting the atmosphere with his Talievangelical horseshit? He cannot win the nomination.

    So I have decided that he is the theocratic Manchurian Candidate only there is nothing stealth as he and everyone else knows he's spouting crap. Only no one knows why anyone would consciously make themselves seem so piously heinous.

    Is FAUX News looking for an anchor because they are starting a religious channel? More wing nut welfare for the failed pols of the GOP.

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  12. Hell's Angle's, check your spelling!

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    1. Actually that was spelled correctly. Obviously you've never taken Satan's geometry class.

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    2. So "hell's" and "angle's" are BOTH possessive? How interesting and very odd. Of what is "angle's" possessive? Just curious.

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    3. Anonymous was quoting me. That's how I spelled it in the post originally. It was late, I was tired. It's fixed.

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    4. And, yes, I did take Satan's geometry class. It was right after lunch and totally interferred with my nap time. BTW, would take your ficking Alaska weather back and try to keep it contained within your state borders, please? It has leaked out and escaped all the way to the California desert. Damnit. We're a bunch of candy asses when it's cold. The tortoises and lizards all went back into hibernation.

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    5. Are those a subset of the Rouge Angles of Satin?



      h/t to Tvtropes.org

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  13. On the "War on Babies" thing... I'm convinced that's a piece of bad satire by Right-Wing interests. It seems far too Swiftian in nature to be real.

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    Replies
    1. Read the rest of Bozell's stuff. He's not joking.

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    2. I actually meant the initial authors of the paper in question.

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  14. If porn is what is causing all the misogyny, the conservative right must watch a heck of a lot of porn.

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  15. Geez, Jim, your wife must be an amazingly patient woman. I sort of picture her slowly shaking her head and rolling her eyes as you get on a rant about something. Don't get me wrong; I think you're hilarious, but she has all my sympathy. You're such a curmudgeon.

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  16. "America is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography. It contributes to misogyny and violence against women. It is a contributing factor to prostitution and sex trafficking."

    I hate to be the one to tell Rick this, but religion contributes to misogyny and violence against women, too. It is also a contributing factor in prostitution and sex trafficking, as many kids who are thrown out of their homes for breaking some religious tenant end up on the street and get exploited by pimps. Now, I don't blame religion for all of that, but it certainly contributes.

    One also notes that there was prostitution and sex-trafficking long before there was easily available pornography. There was also misogyny and violence against women. Heck, it's all right there in that book he claims to have read...

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  17. Ohhh, ohh, oh, laughing way too hard for a Monday a.m. when I'm supposed to be getting my ducks in a row and be productive. The bit about "fraternizing with the enemy"!! Too true!

    And I think that any prisoners of war captured by us woman - will need to be thoroughly interrogated and tortured - I'm envisioning a strap down table with a couple of trannies in leather and lace with some tools like oil, feathers, and maybe a paddle or two. A few "sessions" and I think we'd have a very good "conversion" rate on some of these Repugs like Santorum who are so all-fired focused on sex issues. Probably end up with a mass surrender from platoons all over the country......

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    1. "Probably end up with a mass surrender from platoons all over the country......"

      Or a real mess on your hands.

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  18. W're going to corn-hole that porn industry, you betcha. And then we'll go after Victoria's Secrets, because she has, you know, secrets.

    Actually, I think Frontline did an expose on this back in 2006 or so. I'd do a search for it, but I'm at work right now and I think all the keywords would get me fired. And I think Santorum is dead serious about this. But then I also remember a poll about how when conservatives win in the midwest, porn searches spike right after poll results come out. And their epicenters are in the deepest red dots on the map.

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  19. "Santorum...you bastard...I read your book!!"

    and it was really boring and kinda gay...

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    1. George C. Scott would be proud.

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  20. Now that I can breath again, I have to say, "Well done!". That's what Monday needed.

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  21. My inner thespian warns me against mixing war and women!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysistrata

    Oh Kinesiais, we know your pain! ;)

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  22. One of your funnier posts of late -- loved it!

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  23. Exactly what is the whole "war on (fill in appropriate word here)" shit about anyway? As a person from the outside looking in on the US of A it makes no sense. Is it an economy thing? Is it an ego thing? Is it a boredom thing? I just don't get it.

    Perhaps ya'll should just get it out in the open and declare war on the world then arm the red necks, babies, old ladies, cats, hamsters, gold fish, petri dishes, and get at er.

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  24. "Americans have loved war the way Brazilians love soccer. We love war the way Canadians love beer and the English love misery and Australians love sheep."

    Hey - that's not us Aussies! Don't confuse us witrhnthe kiwis (NewZealanders) its them who love sheep! We Aussies love beer - & cricket - and, um, more beer! Aussie! Aussie Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!

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    1. D'oh. That's "don't confuse us with the Kiwis (NZers)" natch.

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    2. That's what happens when you type with a beer in each hand.

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  25. How diabolically clever. Win the War on Porn and vaginas may lose their effectiveness as a weapon of mass distraction. The offensive position of women could be weakened to the point that the War on Women would be successfully accomplished. Since vaginas are like the Ho Chi Minh Trail of delivery for Babies, the loss of interest in them could result in a win on that front as well.

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  26. They'll take my porn from me when they pry my cold, dead fingers off of my... never mind.

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  27. Hummm. I thought sure there would be pictures of cats in this one...

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  28. "No more porn subsides to the Midwest I say!"


    I can just imagine the debate in the House or Sentate over Porn subsidies! That is too good. I hope you make it as a writer.

    Jim, you crack me up! I haven't seen this much humor and wit in writing for a long time. Love it.


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