Warning Signs

Recently, the US Food and Drug Administration mandated new warning labels on cigarette packages.

They’re seriously in your face, those labels.

The nine warning labels now required by federal law take up about half the cigarette pack, both on the front and back, and include images of a dissected corpse, diseased lungs ruined by smoking, a dying man in an oxygen mask, and images of rotten teeth and gums. The warnings must also appear in cigarette advertisements and must take up at least 20% of each ad.

The FDA estimates that in 2013 the new labels will cut the number of cigarette smokers by about a quarter of a million (Ironically, doing nothing will also reduce the number of smokers per anum by about 200,000, but I digress), followed by smaller reductions each subsequent year as people get used to the grisly images.

A number of folks wrote to ask what I thought.

Heh.

I think it’s an exercise in futility.

As a former smoker myself, I predict that the new warnings won’t make any difference whatsoever. Period.

Oh, the new labels might scare away a few of the sissies, but there isn’t a smoker anywhere these days who doesn’t know what cigarettes are doing to their health – and they smoke anyway.

The new warnings will do absolutely nothing to reduce the number of smokers.

If you think otherwise, you’re probably smoking something other than tobacco.

You could mandate that all cigarette manufacturers dip their tobacco leaves in liquefied feces made from cows fed a steady diet of bean burritos and plutonium, roll the butts in a warty vellum made directly from Hitler’s enormous purple scrotum, cover each package with the toxic venom excreted by menstruating poison arrow frogs and a metal plate that delivers painful electric shocks, and include a picture on the label of Satan punching a baby in the face, and people would still buy them. And in fact, when I lived in Europe I used to buy Spanish Ducatto cigarettes that I’m pretty sure were made using this exact method – well, at least the cow shit part anyway.

Corpses on the label? Blackened diseased lung tissue? Rotten teeth.

Booga booga.

These things are supposed to scare smokers and/or potential smokers?

You’re kidding me, right?

One of the top grossing movies of recent note was a stomach churning gore-fest called Saw – and if that wasn’t enough for you there was The Human Centipede – the top news story this year was about a women who allegedly murdered her two year old daughter which also included daily pictures of the dead kid’s gruesome autopsy brought to you in full HD and brilliant color courtesy of Nancy Grace and CNN, and for the last decade we’ve watched an endless stream of death and destruction from multiple warzones across the planet with people cheering like they’re at a tractor pull. You think a picture of a corpse is going to stop people from smoking?

Don’t be silly.

Compared to the bloody red images blasting from our TV sets every minute of every day, death by cancer looks positively life-affirming.

Give me a pack of non-filtered Coffin Nail Ultra Gold 100’s, my good man, and hurry it up, I’d like to enjoy a delicious smoke before cholesterol, terrorists, gang violence, global warming, Wall Street, or radiation from burning Japanese power plants kills me!

Honestly, who the hell are these labels aimed at?

Because it sure as hell isn’t smokers.

Talk about not understanding your target audience. Smokers don’t care about their health, or else they wouldn’t be smokers in the first place. They don’t need gory pictures to tell them about the consequences of smoking, they can feel it gnawing away inside their pleural cavity like the chest-burster from Alien. They just don’t care.

The only people these dumb labels will impress are non-smokers.

You want a warning label that actually gets smokers to quit?

Put a picture of two naked gay guys kissing on each pack. 

Then, just for fun, make each cigarette look like a little penis.

Huh? Huh? Brilliant, right? Thank you, thank you very much. Make sure they spell my name right on the Nobel Prize.

 

What’s that?

Sure, of course you’re right, this wouldn’t work everywhere. But I’ll bet you good money that every Catholic Church, Muslim Mosque, Mormon Temple, country bar, and NASCAR track in America would be smoke-free within a week. 

 

You again? What now?

Oh, riiiight, side effects.  Yes, I suppose if you went with my idea you could expect a sudden increase in smoking related deaths among evangelical ministers and far right conservative senators.

So, really what you’re saying then is that there’s no down side.

I’m hip.

Of course, one size doesn’t fit all. You’ve got to know your target audience.

For example, say every pack of cigarettes sold in Minnesota came with the following label:

The Surgeon General says:

Be like Barry, support Union tobacco growers!

Tell me the 102nd Bomber Division of the Bachman TEA Party wouldn’t be rabid anti-smokers within about five minutes.

And in the American Southwest:

Warning: Smoking has been linked to a belief in evolution and support for illegal immigration…

 

In the Midwest:

One dollar from the purchase of every pack goes to support our teachers!

 

Okay, now just hold on there, Buster, I hear you say in that raspy two-pack-a-day Joan Jett voice you use when you think I’m being one-sided, you’re talking about saving just conservatives!  What about liberals? How do we get them to stop smoking?

Easy:

Warning: carbon emitted from burning cigarettes

is now the leading cause of global warming

Please think of the polar bears!

 

See?

Okay, sure, but what kind of warning label do we put on cigarette packs to keep teenagers from picking up this filthy habit?

 

This:

 

 

 

 

Whoops, sorry about that. I guess I should have warned you that was coming.  Whoa, you’re shaking like a leaf. You maybe wanna a Bieber to calm your nerves?

No?

Right.

See how that works?

 

So anyway, logically, if we add warning labels to cigarettes, why shouldn’t we also add warnings to other things that are bad for you?

Say like Twitter?

Warning: Disappointed voters have determined that sending pictures of Mr Wiggly to random women you meet on the internet could ruin your political career and cause you to make this face:

Really, don’t. For all our sakes, just don’t.

Or say cellphones. Honestly, shouldn’t every cellphone come with the following warning?

Warning: the Federal Communications Commission has determined that talking on this device while driving 40MPH in the fast lane could very likely result in a severe beating, having this phone wrapped in barbed wire, set to vibrate, and inserted into one of your more sensitive orifices.  Fucker.

Children.  Really, all children should come with a warning label, as a caution to single people and newlyweds:

Warning: Bill Cosby wasn’t a comedian, he was a prophet.  Children smell bad, they break stuff, and they cost a shitload of money. Also, you’ll never have sex again. Ever. Get a dog. Trust us.

Tanning Beds:

Warning: Your face, it will look just like this.

 

The TEA Party:

Warning: This guy will come to your house and drink you beer.

Then he’ll screw your wife… or son. Or both.

 

I know. I see you there in the back, rolling your little eyes. I hear your derisive snort, I know, you think I’m just being silly now.

You think I’m going too far with this warning label stuff, don’t you?

Really, nobody would be so stupid as to impose this nonsense on the public. Nobody

Because, you know, that would be just just crazy.

America: You Keep Using That Word…

… I don’t think it means what you think it means.

Updates and link at the end of the article//Jim

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So, I’m driving into Anchorage this morning.

Along with the usual herd of jackasses who, despite living in Alaska still don’t seem to know how to drive in snow, one vehicle in particular caught my eye.

It was one of those enormous black pickup trucks, with the huge knobby tires and smoked glass windows and chrome roll bar complete with half a dozen giant chrome halogen lights and a ten foot high antenna whipping about in the slipstream  and pipe organ-like exhaust pipes jutting up from behind the cab belching thick plumes of white diesel smoke like the twin contrails of a fighter jet on full afterburner.

The great steel beast wasn’t, in and of itself, unusual for the Glenn Highway at 6AM – or even unusual for Alaska in general, where giant manly trucks full of patriotic manly Viagra-fueled studs are quite common.

What caught my eye were the bumper stickers:
- Proud American emblazoned across a red, white, and true blue Captain America shield;
- In God I trust, In big government I fear. We must protect the country we love!;
-  and my perennial favorite: I love my country, it’s the damned government I hate.

Now, to be perfectly honest, those bumper sticker slogans aren’t particularly unusual on the Glenn Highway at 6AM either – and normally, they wouldn’t be enough to rise above my “What the hell?” threshold.

Not by themselves.

No, what caught my eye was the giant Confederate flag treatment in the back window.

Wait, what?

Proud American.

Confederate Flag.

Proud American.


Confederate Flag.

And suddenly I’m the Old Spice guy: Liberals, look at your little sissy Prius. Look at it. Loser. Now look at this awesome RAM truck. Look at it! It gets five miles a gallon. Look at the patriotic slogans! They’re American. Now look at the Confederate Flag! The Confederacy. It’s American. Now look back to the bumper. Back to the Flag! The bumper!  Now I’m a Confederate! Look again, I’m an American! A Rebel! America, hell ya! I’m on a horse…

Proud American. Confederate flag.

I wanted to pull up next him and roll down the window and ask, So, Just to make sure I’m clear on this, you’re a proud patriotic American who loves the United States which is why you display the battle symbol of a long defunct political/military organization that directly and without equivocation attempted to destroy that self same country. Is that correct? 

No, strike that. That’s wrong.

That’s really not what I wanted to ask him.

What I really wanted to ask is this: Proud American? Really? What is it exactly that you’re proud of?  You say you love your country? You say you love the United States? Really? Which part? What is it that you love about it? Specifically, what exactly do you love about America?

Because, see, so far as I can tell, people like you seem to hate just about everything that makes the United States what it is. 

You hate the President, you call him a Nazi and a socialist and communist and an enemy of America.  You’re embarrassed by him.  You hate his big jug ears and his oh so white smile and his funny alien name.  You hate his politics and his elitist education and his religion and his agenda and the way he speaks. You hate his wife and you hate his kids.  Now, to be fair, you hated the last president too and in fact you’ve got a beef with damned near every president except for Good Ole George Washington and maybe Ronald Reagan. You couldn’t stand Carter or that pig, Clinton, Nixon was a crook, Johnson got us into Vietnam and the best thing that Kennedy ever did was to take a ride in that convertible – too bad he didn’t invite little brother Ted along.  You hate the president all the way back to FDR.  Hell, you even hate Teddy Roosevelt because he was nothing but a goddamned anti-American Progressive – you know that’s true because Glenn Beck told you so (and don’t you hate it when people accuse you of getting your ideas from him? Like you can’t decide who to hate all by yourself).

You hate Congress. You hate the idea of a republic, of representative democracy, where Senators and Representative don’t do only what you want.  It’s we the people goddamnit. They’re all crooks. They’re all liars. They’re all corrupt greedy bastards.  They’re all ineffective. You hate them all.  They should all be thrown out – well, all of them except for your guy that is. What’s that? Oh you hate your guy too? Yeah, that figures.

You hate the courts, especially the Supreme Court.  Oh how you hate that they won’t let you make your hate the law of the land.  You hate the whole damned liberal American legal system. You hate the lawyers, you’d like to line them all up and shoot them first.  You hate that criminals get a legal defense, you hate that people can’t seem to see that they’re guilty, just drop them into a hole and throw away the key.  You hate those groups that keep using DNA to vacate death row convictions, the scumbags are guilty of something otherwise they wouldn’t be scumbags would they – but now they get to go free and collect a big fat settlement and, man, don’t you just hate that?  Of course, you hate paying for prison too, and as long as we’re on the subject you hate that prisons are big country clubs nowadays, what the hell are those scumbags complaining about? You hate those damned judges, they’re all liberal activists, everybody knows it.  You hate the fact that we can’t just string people up in the town square any more, those were the good old days you bet.  You’d like to see more military tribunals, that’s the ticket. Not like that’s going to happen, and boy don’t you just hate that too?

In fact, you hate the whole goddamned Federal government. You really hate the “united” part of the United States. You say you love the Constitution, and you do – the 2^nd Amendment part anyway – but you really hate the parts that let other people say what they like and worship religions different than yours and give the Federal government the power to regulate interstate commerce and award citizenship to brown skinned babies and give people you don’t like the same rights as you and make the government a secular organization instead of a Christian one – yeah, you really hate that part.  You hate federal regulations and federal law and federal taxes.  You hate the Fed and the fact that our money isn’t based on the gold standard.  You hate that the government won’t let you sell defective products and contaminated food and unsafe toys coated in lead paint or snake oil that purports to cure cancer – that’s just bad for business.  You hate the idea of anybody other than you getting affordable healthcare or retirement or a home loan.  You hate Social Security, even though you yourself never bothered to save not one single penny towards your own retirement.  You think the military is “broken” and you hate those wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but you hate the idea of ending them even more because then the terrorists will “win” – and you hate that we haven’t yet declared war on Iran and North Korea and maybe even Libya because you hate those bastards too. In fact, you hate the idea of peace all together, goddamned sissy liberals, real Americans love the smell of napalm in the morning you betcha.
You hate the American political system. You hate political parties. You hate those filthy liberals, oh you hate them so much, that’s a given. But you hate the Republicans too, you hate Progressives and Centrists and Moderates and there’s nobody you hate more than those traitor RINOs.

You hate your neighbors, you do, you hate them. You hate the niggers and the spics and the chinks and the gooks and spooks and hajis.  And, man, there’s nothing you hate more than when they call you a racist and a bigot. You hate all those minorities with their whining about equal rights and political correctness and affirmative action. You hate that they get a free ride.  You hate how they can’t take a joke. You hate the greedy Jews. You hate the terrorist Muslims. You hate the child-molesting Catholics. And you just goddamned hate those atheists.  You hate anybody who wasn’t born again. You hate that guy with the long beard and the red turban who runs that store you hate downtown.  You hate those people who can’t speak English without an accent.  You hate having to dial 1 for English, my God how you hate that. You hate the fags in their little Speedos, demanding the right to wed just so they can mock your third marriage.  You hate immigrants, and not just the illegal ones either. You hate the idea that those dirty, diseased sons of bitches come here to this country and take all the good jobs.  You hate that your daughter is dating one of them. You hate that one of their kids can become president when there are plenty of good God fearin’ naturally born white men around – speaking of which, you really hate how white men have become the most persecuted minority in America, it’s shameful is what it is.  You hate the poor, the lazy bastards should just lift themselves up, stop being poor. You hate the rich, the ones born with a golden spoon full of coke in their noses and the ones who robbed their way to the top.  You hate feminists, those damned dyke bitches, and you hate that they think they should own their own reproductive organs.  You hate city people, the ones from New York and Los Angeles who think they’re better then you.  You hate those ignorant country bumpkins too, those pig shit covered farmers and their subsidies always sponging off your tax dollars.  You hate those college boys, those elitist snobs with their law degrees and science majors.  You hate people from the East Coast with their old money and blue blood, you hate them almost as much as you hate the fruits, nuts, and flakes from the West Coast, and by God, how you hate those crooked bastards from Chicago. You hate single mothers and women who breastfeed in public.  You hate fat people, those glutinous slobs taking up more than their fair share of the space.  Of course, you really hate it when that America hating Michelle Obama suggests that your kids eat right and maybe get some exercise so they don’t end up overweight, how dare she, how dare she, if you want to be fat, by God, you’ll be fat and no hate-filled bitch is going to tell you what to do. You hate kids with long hair and tattoos.  You hate old people, the Greatest Generation of assholes, always complaining about how much better things used to be, why can’t they just die already and quit sucking on the Medicare tit? Speaking of Medicare, you hate that too, even though you yourself can’t afford health insurance for you family – besides, the emergency room is free. Right?

You hate the environment. You hate the flora and fauna and the terrain of the great American landscape.  You hate the polar bears and the snail darter and that stupid spotted owl.  You hate saving the Redwoods for generations to come. You hate those national parks and the bureau of land management. You hate clean air and water that’s safe to swim in. You hate that you can’t just shoot every deer and dip-net every salmon.  You hate catalytic converters and lead free gasoline.  You hate the fact that the fascist EPA won’t let you dump toxic waste into Love Canal or strip mine Utah. You hate carbon and separating your paper from your plastics. You hate blowout preventers and containment booms and hearing about the Exxon Valdez – honestly, hasn’t Exxon suffered enough?  Drill baby drill that’s what you’re talking about.  You hate the word “Green” and you hope Al Gore burns in hell for all eternity because you hate that commie fucker more than anybody else – well, except for maybe Obama, but that just goes without saying.

You hate public education.  You hate the Department of Education, you didn’t used to, but you sure do now.  You hate it because it’s not in the Constitution – the Constitution which you hated having to learn about in school, in that government class you so hated. You hate the school board and school administrators and the school principal. You hate schools, you hate having to pay taxes for a new roof so the kids don’t get rained on and you hate having to buy classroom equipment and you hate those afterschool programs – well, except for football, that’s OK.  And, by God, you hate the damned teachers, you hate those lazy, greedy, selfish bastards.  You hate that the arrogant pricks laugh at your poorly spelled TEA Party posters and you blame them for your ignorance. You hate that you have to pay them a living wage, you hate the idea that the modern world means that teachers have to be highly educated professionals instead of some chalk scented school marm who was good enough for your great grandfather. You grandfather didn’t need to learn about computers or technology or world events or funny looking people in countries that don’t matter, and you hate it when people tell you that your kids aren’t living in that world anymore.  You hate that your kids might have to learn about actual science, oh how you hate that they might hear about evolution or global climate change or plate tectonics or that people didn’t, in fact, live with dinosaurs and that the world is actually a lot older than 5000 years despite what you learned in Church last week.  You hate the liberal colleges with their long haired professors and their weird ideas – and you sure as hell hate how higher education tends to make people more liberal, not less.

You hate the media.  You hate CNN and MSNBC and ABC and the Washington Post.  You harbor a special hatred for Arianna Huffington, a hatred that flares as brightly as a burning deep water drilling rig.  You hate Hollywood, you hate how it’s controlled by the Jews or maybe the Bilderbergs and their New World Order or perhaps it’s really secretly controlled by the Illuminati or the Muslim Brotherhood. Whoever is in charge out there, you hate how every movie seems to have gay people in it, or blacks, or an Arab.
You hate American capitalism – oh, you love Capitalism with a capital C, but you hate what those greedy conniving Wall Street fat cats have done to it.  God, how you hate those sons of bitches, the ones like Bill Gates who built his business from the ground up and became for a time the richest man in the world, and then – and this is the part you really hate – he started giving his money away.  Of course, it’s all a lie, he’s just giving it away for the tax break and how you hate that too, don’t you? And you hate those pricks in management, those prissy white collar MBA’s who have never done an honest day’s labor in their privileged lives.  Ah, but as much as you hate the executives and the management, that’s nothing compared to how much you hate labor. You hate unions. You hate that middle class Americans enjoy a living wage in safe working environments at a reasonable number of working hours per week.  You hate that they’ve thrown in together, bargaining collectively so that they might have a bit of leverage against those fat cats and greedy corporations you also hate.  You call them socialists and communists and you hate it when somebody points out that in far left socialist and communist countries workers have no rights whatsoever (and didn’t in America either, until the unions came along). God how you hate being confused with facts by liberal Nazi Commies who dare to question your cognitively dissociative reasoning.

In point of fact, other than the flag (the American one, not the Confederate one – though that works too, I guess), there doesn’t seem to be much about America you do like.

So, when you say you love America, what is it exactly that you love?

When you say you’re a proud American, what is it that you’re proud of?

Because, I’ve got to tell you, I’m just not seeing it.

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Update Sep 01, 2011: 

 

This post has now gone viral three separate times. Current page views for this article today stand at well over 1.6 million – and that doesn’t include all the other places that it was reposted. Agree or not with what I wrote, it obviously touched a nerve with a large number of people.  This continues to leave me feeling a bit bemused, as does some of the hate mail I receive regarding the above piece (and on that note, if you want me to read your letter, you probably shouldn’t start out by telling me to move to Iran, Canada, or Hell, just saying).  This is the first of three posts. The other two parts are here: Part 2 - America: Explained (Follow up article and amplifying thoughts about this post) and here: Part 3 - America: Land That I Love (Follow up article and why I love this country). Before you go back to whatever forum you came from, read the other two pieces. Please. Before you write to tell me that I’ve created a strawman or to ask why I hate America, read the follow up pieces.  Please.  If you’ve gotten this far and you’re now firmly convinced that I must hate America or that I don’t know how to write, give me a chance to change your mind: read Part 3 - America: Land That I Love. Really.

 

A note about the Strawman:  I know I created a strawman, I did it on purpose. If you want to know why I did it, read Part 2.  However, with that said, read the comments under this article. Read the comments under the follow up posts.  I left a few trolls in for examples, sometimes you speak of the strawman and he appears. 

 

Comments are now closed: because I got tired of weeding out the tolls. if you want to comment on this post, read the two follow up posts. Comments on part two are also closed. If you still feel like commenting after reading the series, you may comment under part three, America, Land That I Love.

If you liked this post: you might like this one too:  Liberalism, Conservatism, and Insanity.  One of these days I’m going to have to put all these bumper sticker inspired posts into a book.

//Jim

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Glenn Beck: The Drooling Face of Insanity

 

I generally don’t promote MSNBC

That said, watch this clip from Media Matters:

Here’s Beck’s original 1 February, 2011 show: Part A, Part B, Part C. If you’ve got a strong enough stomach and if the batshit booger-eating crazy of Beck isn’t enough for you, read the comments on YouTube under the videos.

 

Ancient Babylon.

Ancient Babylon.

Say it really slow and ponderously, you know, like you’re insane. Also, wave your hands a lot.

Aaaanciiet Babiloooooooon…

 

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I know a little something about Iraq.  I didn’t have anything to do with planning the first war there, but I was involved in plans for the current one.  Let me draw you a map:

 

Ancient Babylon sits in the Euphrates River Valley, between the modern day ports of Umm Qasr (about were the ancient city of Ur is on the map) and Al Basrah (a little north of Lagash) and Baghdad (which is up near where Assur is on the above map).

Now, here’s a map of the invasion:

Note that we rolled right through the middle of the ancient city state of Babylon. 

Right the fuck through the middle of it.

Bombing as we went. 

Now, we didn’t actually bomb the actual ancient city ruins of actual old Babylon. For good reason, because there’s nothing there but some old bricks, a museum, and an archeological dig.  It’s a big, desolate hole in the ground. 

Not to mention that we had orders not to destroy any more than we had to. 

Not to also mention that we were supposed to preserve Iraq’s national treasures for the Iraqi people.

And just to mention one more time that there wasn’t anything there of military value worth bombing.

We were only marginally successful.  Ultimately battles were fought all through this area and a lot of ancient ruins got chewed up.  Then, well then we built Camp Alpha on top of the old Babylonian ruins. We bulldozed helicopter landing pads, and parking lots for our Armor and dug latrines.  Our tanks crushed ancient paving stones into dust and the rumble of those 60 ton machines caused the ancient Ishtar Gate to collapse.  We were condemned by the British Museum and historians around the the world, including and especially American historians, for destroying priceless and irreplaceable relics of ancient Babylon. 

But Glenn Beck has been on Fox all week telling people this idiotic nonsense.  We didn’t bomb Ancient Babylon because of some secret Bible prophecy that we’re trying to bring about. According to Glenn, Satan, the Communists of the old USSR, the Socialists, Nazis, the Muslim Brotherhood, American Progressives (members of the Republican Party I’d just like to point out) and Barack Obama are all scheming together to bring about the Shiite dream of a reborn Islamic Caliphate which is also the New World Order run by the Illuminati and the Masons and George Soros.  Everybody, and I mean every damned body, is out to get us - and by us, Glenn means the five people he considers actual real Americans.  If he could work in Napoleon, a couple dozen Flying Saucers, the National Inquirer’s Pig Boy he’d have a SyFy movie of the week.

Now, you wouldn’t think that anybody capable of feeding themselves would listen to this raving loon with anything other than utter disbelief. No, you wouldn’t think so.

But there are. There are whole forums of these brain damaged spasm monkeys who believe him.

As Eugene Robinson said on Hardball, if you were saying this crap anywhere but Fox or in church the guys with the butterfly nets would snatch your ass off the street and pump you full of happy juice before you started eating your own excrement. 

Look, I’m not a clinical psychologist, but even I recognize gibbering paranoia when I see it.

Too Damned Stupid to Get In Out of the Rain

Behold, the key to happiness, The bucket theory:

To those who have been given much, much is required. I take that admonishment at face value. Not out of fear, but with joy, with confidence. And that you need to understand that, not about me, but let my little example inspire you to do the same thing. I want to give. It's my privilege. It's my honor. It's my responsibility. But I also believe in what I call the bucket theory, and I never heard anybody say this theory before, but I think we're all given buckets and we all start with the same size bucket. And what do people do, if you're collecting rain water, because you're thirsty, you're collecting rain water people have a tendency of doing this, they will cover their bucket to protect it. I believe, take your bucket, blessings rain down on you all the time, take your bucket. And if you see somebody who needs water, there's more, it's raining all the time: Empty it. Eventually, somebody who's handing out the buckets is going to go: You know what, get that guy more buckets, get him a bigger bucket. Stop protecting it. Give it and more will come.

There you go, folks. Thanks for coming, work hard, be happy, and remember to wear a rain jacket.

 

 

 

What?

You’re still here?

What do you mean the Bucket Theory sounds like gibberish babbled by a meth addled seizure monkey with a head injury?

Perhaps you just need to read it again, slower, and sound out the big words. Here, let me help:

First rule of Bucket Theory, nobody talks about Bucket Theory. There’s a guy with a bucket.  See his bucket. He is joyous and happy. Because he has a bucket. But it’s not about him. Or his bucket. Or maybe it is. Let’s follow his example. Everybody gets a bucket. All the buckets are the same size. Some thirsty people collect rainwater by covering their buckets when it rains to protect it from the rain that they are collecting. In their buckets. Because they’re thirsty. And it’s raining. It rains all the time. Everybody has a bucket. Buckets are fun. If you see somebody who’s standing in the rain with a bucket but has a thirst on, you should empty your bucket. Then the guy who hands out buckets will give you a bigger bucket. Pretty soon you’ll have lots of buckets. In the rain. Where there are people with buckets. Who are thirsty. Then you can collect more rain. In your big bucket. Because you’re thirsty. Don’t protect your bucket. It’s raining.  Thus, joy and satisfaction.

Clear?

I know, I know. It is a seductively compelling philosophy, this theory of the buckets. Sucks you right in, doesn’t it?

It’s like Japanese poetry – if Japanese poets were also meteorologists who dropped acid and ate bad Fugu sushi while listening to The Doors lyrics rapped by a prepubescent Japanese schoolgirl Punk/Furry-slash band in a typhoon.

 

 

From the context of the article that this theory was taken from, and the previous writings of the great humanitarian who penned it, if you boil away all the bullshit and Ah Shucks hand waving, what the above paragraph says is this:  Everybody is born equal. Everybody has the same opportunity. However, some folks are more equal than others because they take risks or are luckier or are favored by the Big Bucket God.  Since they have more, they should get more because they deserve it.  It is the responsibility of those people to help out those less fortunate. They should be honored to do so. They should set the example of charity. 

Moral of the story: Don’t protect what you have, give it away, and somebody will give you more.

Whoa.

Rich people should give their money to poor people?  The fortunate should help out the less fortunate?  Those who work hard collecting rainwater should give their buckets of tasty refreshing life-giving H2O to the thirsty? No questions asked? Just out of the goodness of their hearts?

What kind of socialist bullshit is that?

Read that first line again: To those who have been given much, much is required.

Sounds a lot like “redistribute the wealth” and “tax the rich” doesn’t it?

Honest to God, folks. What if people really thought like this? It would be a hippy utopia wet dream (literally, since we’d all be standing around in the rain). This is the kind of naïve, simplistic liberalism that just encourages lazy people to stay lazy and robs America of her greatness by bringing on the welfare entitlement state – you starting giving people water without making them work it, and pretty soon they start demanding it as a right.

In the same article, the author of this socialist manifesto also said:

Look, I don't have a side. My side is the idea of what was called the American experiment. It was an experiment. Now, are we going to move past it and say, yes, it failed? Or are we going to take the things that we learned, take the best of those ideas and continue to go forward for our next great leap for our children and our grandchildren?

He doesn’t have a side? He wants “go forward” and make “our next great leap” (for the children, of course). He starts out sounding like a Moderate and ends up talking like a Progressive.  And it gets worse.  He’s also the kind of guy who believes in giving people free healthcare. Again, in his own words:

I employ forty people in New York City. I have the best health insurance for everybody and nobody pays a deductible. It's the best that money can buy. I'm told that the insurance that I pay for my employees is actually, uh, I'm the only one in New York still buying it because it's too expensive but I believe in treating people right.

Not even a deductable, folks. Not even a deductable, just because he believes in treating people right. This guy says he’s a conservative, but does that sound like a conservative to you?  More like RINO, I’d say.

You give a man a chance to better himself and his children and he will push himself. He will work day and night. He will have sleepless nights. He will do everything we can, especially if he has an idea and something in his heart that he believes in. He will work tirelessly because he believes in it and it will do great things for him and his family and his community.

Throw in “Arise Ye Russian People!” and raise a heroic statue!

Communist, socialist, progress, moderate, RINO, whatever this leftie is, he’s obviously the kind of guy the patriots of the TEA Party would tear to pieces. Obviously.

Idiots

Every village has at least one.

Here’s ours:

Now, since I took this picture with my Blackberry as I was passing through the light at the intersection of the Palmer Wasilla and the Glenn Highways you probably can’t quite make it out.  Allow me to fill in the details: the guy holding the sign is about 50, he’s wearing a Rocky The Flying Squirrel hat, Mukaluks, and a filthy parka. He’s got a short grey mountain man beard and a very red angry face. The sign he’s been waving at traffic for a week says:

LaRouche Says Impeach Obama Now. Go to LaRouchePAC.com

Look, you may not like Barack Obama, but seriously here folks, Lyndon LaRouche? Seriously?  If you’re listening to Lyndon Hermyle LaRouche - the Clown Shoes of Politics, convicted felon, and all around batshit bug eating crazy loon – well, in all seriousness, it’s time to double up on your meds before you hurt yourself.

Wow.

Welcome to the Tea Party, folks. Welcome to the fucking Tea Party.

If nothing else, the Healthcare Reform vote before the House today has certainly brought the fruitcakes out of the woodwork. 

 

---

Note: Over there to left of the Village Idiot you might notice another odd looking person holding a sign.  That’s the Liberty Tax shill, dressed up as Lady Liberty and waving a sign for the local Tax preparer, she’s a common sight around this time of year. She’s not a LaRouchite, so far as I know.

Jeffery Scott Shapiro Is A Deluded Whackaloon!

And yet again, FoxNews demonstrates a profound lack of journalistic integrity. Why am I not surprised?  Updates noted in the text

---

Seriously, Minnesota, what the fuck?

Do I miss George W. Bush?

Are you kidding me, Minnesota?

 

You’ve all seen the news reports, there’s a sign on I-35 outside some flyspeck conservative chancre sore of a town named Wyoming, Minnesota. It features the smirking fuck-you features of our erstwhile president, Chimpy McBush, and the caption, “Miss Me Yet?”

No, asshole, I don’t miss you. 

Frankly if it was up to me, I’d erase George W. Bush from history the same way Egyptian Pharaohs used to have their stonemasons chip the images of their predecessors off the sides of the temple walls.

The sign was put up by a small group of anonymous businessmen who seem to be suffering from teabag poisoning there in their little Minnesota Unibomber cabins.

Needless to say, it made the news.

Needless to say, it made FoxNews.

And in fact, FoxNews' Jeffrey Shapiro’s article waxes nostalgic for Bush in what may be one of the most bizarrely creepy cases of puppy love FoxNews has yet published.  The man clearly loves his Bush to a disturbing degree.   

As is usual for FoxNews (Fair and Balanced!) the article is more made up hyperbole than accuracy.  Take this little Fox factoid:

President Bush remains the only president in history to face a foreign attack on the continental mainland of the United States. His responsibility was unlike any other commander in chief in history.

Apparently neither Shapiro nor the FoxNews editors have ever heard of The War of 1812 and that dustup where the British took Maine away from the United States, and then marched into Washington and ate the President’s dinner at his own table before burning the White House to the ground while President Madison and the First Lady fled into the hills.  After the White House wiener roast, the Redcoats set about burning, looting and destroying the rest of the US capital.  

The British then moved on to Baltimore – you might have heard of that battle, the Battle of Baltimore - The Star Spangled Banner is based on it.  But I guess that neither Shapiro nor the great American Patriots at Fox are familiar with either Francis Scott Key or the defense of Fort McHenry.  But you know, fuck it, it’s such a small footnote in American history why confuse Fox’s fair and balanced reporting with facts. Right?

---

Update: The FoxNews article linked to above has been clumsily edited to read:

President Bush remains the only president in history since the 1812 burning of the White House to face a foreign attack

on the continental mainland of the United States. His responsibility was unlike any other commander in chief in history.

The editorial change is not noted anywhere in the article.  Fox simply changed history and pretended like it didn’t happen. 

Way to show that fair and balanced journalistic integrity, Shapiro. Really, way to go.

---

Other than that though, there was never any attack on the mainland US.

Well, other than the Mexican American War.

Or that whole Civil War thing.  Lincoln, that big sissy never shouldered the kind of responsibility George did. No siree.

I also really like Shapiro’s qualifier “continental mainland” (and really, what the hell does that mean? Is that like dark black? Or Neocon Wackaloon?) because if you include the attacks on the Alaskan and Hawaiian territories that marked the opening of WWII, or the Japanese and Nazi submarine attacks on American shipping along the Continental US’s coastline (including the dropping of saboteurs on the mainland), well that just sort of renders Shapiro’s whole argument null and void.  And, of course, FDR’s management of the country during that conflict pales in comparison to the burden born by George.

I can see why Shapiro deliberately couched his statement to exclude mention of the WWII attacks, because even Fox’s ignorant subscribers wouldn’t let you get away with making such an obviously false statement, unless you deliberately excluded the attacks on Pearl Harbor and Kiska.  And make no mistake, Shapiro knows what he’s doing, otherwise he wouldn’t have phrased his article the way he did, he deliberately limited the scope of his accusation in order to make his point.  In journalism this is no different than outright lying, it’s lying by omission, and the fact the Fox’s editors let him get away such a clumsy and obvious lie speaks directly to the network’s credibility and turns their tag line, “Fair and Balanced,” into a mocking dig at their own readers.  Shapiro couldn’t tell the truth, it would have voided the false point he was trying to make and, after all, the truth wouldn’t meet Rupert Murdock’s editorial standards for fair and balanced Obama bashing if actual facts were included in Fox’s articles. And beside, actual history might just confuse Teabaggers and Neocons - who just sort of make up history as they go along anyway.

 

FoxNews is what happens when you let pinheads like George W. Bush “reform” public education. Ditto times two for FoxNews subscribers.

 

Shapiro sort of waves his hands over Bush’s declaration of two wars and the resulting massive disaster and budget deficit, then he brushes that aside like a battered wife discussing what a wonderful husband she has while she holds a hand over her swollen eye and split lip,

“But he saved America, not just from the terrorists, but also from the apologist self-doubt and self-loathing that President Obama appears to support.”

George W. Bush saved America. He saved America from the terrorists.

Really?

Then why are we still fighting them? Why then are conservative media outlets like FoxNews and their pundits like Beck and Limbaugh crying that the terrorists are winning? Why then are conservative media whores like Sarah Palin urging us to declare war on Iran in order to “get tough on terrorism?” 

Why then is Osama Bin Laden still out there, eight years later, still making videos and financing attacks on the US?

Calling Bush America’s savior is a lot like thanking ENRON for rolling black-outs. This idea is so ludicrous that it damned near defies comprehension. 

And I’ve never been able to figure out where people like Shapiro get the whole “apologist self doubt and self loathing” bit – unless they’re talking about how they always end up apologizing for George W. George.  Apparently if you hide out in the National Guard when the country needs you, you’re a patriot as long as you wear an American flag pin on your lapel and send other people’s kids off to fight and die in a foreign land. Shapiro’s logic is this, George the Monkey Boy loved America. Everything he did, he did out of love. He should be forgiven for everything, all those lives, because his love for America was so great and so pure.  And when his approval rating fell to the lowest in American history, well George just took that in stride because he loved us all too, despite how disappointed he was in us personally for letting him down.

Shapiro opines that this billboard marks a return to courage, the courage of the George W. Bush years.  He then mentions that the folks who love America enough to put up this sign, there on that road outside Wyoming, Minnesota, remain anonymous – you know, like true patriots who are too afraid to use their real names, or you know, go off to war and actually fight for this country, or… well, you get the idea.  I guess they love this country too, just like they love George.

As long as you love America, it’s not hypocrisy.

Shapiro ends with:

We do miss President Bush, and we will never forget what he did for America and the world; not now, not ever

I miss George W. Bush and his band of lunatics like I miss a case of tertiary stage syphilis and an outbreak of genital warts.

But Shapiro got the rest of it right, we will never forget what Bush did for America and the world.

Miss Me Yet?

No, Shapiro, I don’t miss George W. Bush.

Not now, not ever.

 

---

 

If Shapiro has a bigger than life-sized poster of George The Pinheaded, oiled and clad only in a loincloth, hanging on the wall of his bedroom - I don’t want to know about it.  You can keep that shit to yourself.

Look! Up in the Sky! It’s Super Bestest American!

I swear, you just can’t make this shit up.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write another damned thing about Palin.

It’s not like the silly self involved git isn’t getting enough press already.

And then I saw this:

Yes, it’s a new children’s book by Katharine DeBrecht entitled Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country!

From the author of Help! Mom! Liberals Are Hiding Under My Bed! comes “a hilarious and entertaining way for parents to sit down with their children and teach them the origins of the new Tea Party movement and the importance of standing up for liberty and the American Dream.”

The book tells the tale of two young boys (and a rat, if the picture above is accurate - one presumes he’s a Tea Bagger) who want to set up a swing set business but are stymied by the radicals who have taken over the good old God blessed USA. Follow along with struggling young entrepreneurs Tommy and Lou (and a rat) as they fight radicals, progressives, liberals, Satan, and the Ghost of Ted Kennedy. Along the way they meet “246 czars, onerous regulations, and sky-high taxes.”

Enter Governor Sarah, defender of truth, justice, and little Red White and Blue babies (Well, only white, but hey it sounded good), who helps the boys (and a rat) stand up for freedom. Along the way, she’s attacked by fiendish journalists but manages to fend them off with her razor like wit in time to help Tommy and Lou (and a rat) beat the big meany President Obundus.

In an interview with Foxnews (seriously, who else? Right?) DeBrecht says that she’s not just trying to reach children, "I am trying to let all Americans know that these radicals are killing the American Dream, and I want to stop them from hurting people that produce products and provide jobs.”

DeBrecht then further opines, “We need to let our kids know that it is wrong to spread rumors and lies. Unfortunately, many so-called journalists have basically told children that this is permissible as long as you disagree with someone's opinions.

You know, I think she just might be onto something here. Like Ole’ PT said, there’s a sucker born every minute and they’re lining up twenty deep to kiss Palin’s teabag. I bet DeBrecht could crank out a whole series of these things. Sort of a Harry Potter meets Glenn Beck at a Birther Rally kind of deal.

It’ll be huge.

Help! Mom! Ethnic People Are Stinking Up The White House!

Tommy and Lou join a nice conservative activist organization, now calling themselves Wolfgang and Skullcrusher, they lament the good old days, when men were men and minorities were livestock. Governor Sarah explains that black people come from Africa and therefore aren’t real Americans. The book ends with a discussion of forensic techniques and how they can be ignored when it comes to birth certificates from godless heathen states like Hawaii.

Help! Mom! Queers are Making a Mockery Of My Marriage!

The boys visit some famous TV Evangelical Ministries and Governor Sarah comes along to explain the joys of abstinence only birth control and how Barney Frank makes Jesus cry.

Help! Mom! Political Correctness Is Leeching the Enjoyment Out Of My Bigotry!

Governor Sarah teaches the boys about how those darn oversensitive minorities are ruining America. Wolfgang and Skullcrusher then beat up some gay liberals who they think look like they might have called the Govna’s kid a “retard.”

Help! Mom! Fascist Gun Control Is Ruining My Constitution!

Wolfgang and Skullcrusher join the Michigan Militia and contemplate revolution, only Governor Sarah explains that it’s not really revolution if you’re shooting liberals for Jesus. Governor Sarah gives them some pointers on how to take back America for real Americans. The book ends with a dream sequence, Governor Sarah as Commander In Chief, in Wonder Woman leotard, leading Marines against abortion clinics…

Help! Mom! Lazy Shiftless Poor People Are Stealing My Healthcare!

Governor Sarah teaches the boys how healthcare is a birthright from God for congressmen and those with million dollar book deals. Though unemployed since the collapse of their Aryan Nation Swing Set Company, Wolfgang and Skullcrusher enthusiastically embrace Governor Sarah’s Don’t Get Sick Healthcare Plan. Governor Sarah teaches the boys how to help poor people by shouting “Get a job, Hippies!”

Well, hell, look at that, it turns out you can just make this shit up.

Ask Stonekettle Station

Today’s search phrase:

How do I crack corn with a dado blade?

How do I crack corn with a … ?

This is a dado blade:

It’s for making dados (a wide slot, usually to fit another board into for joinery) in wood.

It goes on a machine called a tablesaw:

 

How do I crack corn with a dado blade?

Wow, you got me.  I can’t even come up with a smart assed answer for that.

 

 

I’ve got no more idea how to crack corn with a tablesaw than I know how to make a cheese log with a router.

If you ever figure it out, Stumpy, be sure to have your caregiver drop me an email.

A (pointless in retrospect) Conversation With My Child

Me (calling from work, after my son texted me letting me know he was home safe from school): How was your day?

Son: Fine.

Me: Study for two hours. Math. Science.

Son: OK.

Me: Two more things.

Son: Yeah?

Me: Go to the big chest freezer, get out the whole chicken.

Son: uh…

Me: Whole frozen chicken. Says “Whole Chicken” on the label. It’s on top. Looks sort of like a big bowling ball at this point.  Get it.

Son: uh…

Me: (sigh) are you at the freezer?

Son: Yeah.

Me: Really?

Son: No.

Me: Go there now.

Son: (thump, bump, bang, slam, shuffle, shuffle [freezer is in the garage, it requires movement from the couch] bump bump thump [and I finally hear the correct door open over the phone]) OK.

Me: …

Son: …

Me: …

Son: …

Me: …

Son: …

Me: Open. The. Lid.

Son: OK.

Me: Do you see it?

Son: uh…

Me: (sigh) Chicken. Whole. Frozen. Chicken. On. Top. Looks. Like. A. Bowling. Ball.

Son: Oh…riiiight.

Me: Get it.

Son: OK.

Me: Go to the kitchen.

Son: OK.

Me: Wait!

Son: What?

Me: Close the freezer lid.

Son: It is!

Me: Really?

Son: …no.

Me: Close it.

Son: (Foomp!)

Me: Go to the kitchen.

Son: OK

Me: Wait!

Son: What?

Me: Take the chicken.

Son: …right.

Me: (with the patience of Job) Are you in the kitchen?

Son: uh huh.

Me: Really?

Son: No.

Me: Go there now. Don’t stop anywhere else. Try to concentrate. Kitchen

Son: OK

Me: Wait!

Son: What?

Me: Take the chicken.

Son: OK

Me: Are you there?

Son: Yes.

Me: Put the chicken in the microwave.

Son: OK…bye

Me: Wait!

Son: What?

Me: Push “Defrost”

Son: …

Me: Push. The. Button. Marked. “Defrost.”

Son: …

Me: …On the microwave.

Son: OK

Me: Set the timer for 30 minutes.

Son: …

Me: Push three. Zero. Zero. Zero.

Son: (Freep beep) OK

Me: Two more zeros

Son: (beep beep) OK

Me: Push “Start.”

Son: OK

Me: Is it started?

Son: uh huh.

Me: I can’t hear it. Are you sure?

Son: Yes.

Me: Good. Now go turn on the dishwasher. You forgot to run it last night. There are no clean plates for dinner. (It’s the boy’s job to clean up after dinner).

Son: OK.

Me: Did you start the dishwasher?

Son: Yes.

Me: Really?

Son: I’m doing it.

Me: Wait!

Son: What?

Me: Put a soap tablet in it.

Son: OK

Me: Did you do it?

Son: Yes.

Me: Really?

Son: I’m doing it now.

Me: I didn’t hear the dishwasher door open and close.

Son: (Whump!)

Me: I didn’t hear the cabinet door open and close (where the soap tablets are stored)

Son: (Thump!)

Me: Wrong order.

Son: What?

Me: PUT SOAP IN THE DISHWASHER NOW!

Son: OK (Thump! Whump!)

Me: Turn it on.

Son: It is.

Me: Turn. It. On.

Son: I meant I’m doing it now.

Me: Is it on?

Son: Yes.

Me: Remember, study. Math. Science. Two hours. Then you can go over to (friend)’s house. Study first.

Son: OK.

Me: Have a good afternoon. See you tonight.

Son: OK

 

 

I’m home now.

 

You know, I’ll bet he didn’t study either.

One Pathetic Excuse for a Man and an American

In the Badlands of South Dakota, outside of the town of Wall, there is a monument carved into the bedrock of America.

Mount Rushmore.

Next to the Statue of Liberty, Rushmore is quite possibly the most recognizable symbol of what America aspires to be*.

Gutzon Borglum carved four faces into the rock. The faces of who he considered the four greatest presidents of the United States. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln - all Americans agreed these men were great historical American figures, great American leaders, great American presidents. Washington led the new country to freedom, Jefferson forged the Constitution and the Union, Lincoln preserved it through its darkest hour.

But Theodore Roosevelt?

When Borglum first began blasting his way into the mountain in 1927, Teddy had been dead for a mere eight years. His place in history was still being written. People really weren’t sure that he belonged on the mountain.

It was not long, however, before history showed TR to be one of the truly great Presidents, and the very archetype of an American. He was more than worthy to stand beside the men who had become the very symbols of America.

Educated, cowboy, sportsman, soldier, naturalist, explorer and adventurer, prolific writer, raconteur and gifted speaker, state assemblyman, state governor, vice president, president - Roosevelt was all of these things and more, much more.

TR was a true hero of the highest caliber. During the Spanish American War, on July 1st, 1898, Colonel Roosevelt led the US 1st Volunteer Calvary Regiment and the 10th US Calvary (the Buffalo Soldiers) in a charge up not one, but two hills during the Battle of San Juan Heights. He and his men took both Kettle and San Juan Hills in the face of blistering fire and that charge is one of the most famous and amazing feats of raw courage ever recorded in the annuals of combat. His commander, Colonel Leonard Wood, nominated him for the Medal of Honor – but Roosevelt himself doomed the nomination by raising hell with the War Department over delays in getting his men home from Cuba – and in fact more of the Rough Riders and Buffalo Soldiers died from malaria and yellow fever awaiting transport then died in combat, a situation that outraged Roosevelt. And so he placed personal honors aside for the sake of his troops – this is the mark of a truly great military leader and man who understands honor and who lives it. His men loved him for it for the rest of their lives. In 2001, Roosevelt was awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously, making him the only American president to ever be awarded such.

Roosevelt was a lifelong Republican, and when he returned from Cuba he hung up his sword and returned to politics. He was elected Governor of New York in 1898 and became famous for his honesty, forthrightness, and fervent efforts to root out and destroy corruption. The GOP nominated him as McKinley’s Vice President largely to get him out of New York, so they could get back to business as usual. This maneuver blew up in their faces six months later when McKinley was assassinated. Roosevelt became far more than anyone had ever imagined – except Roosevelt himself, of course. He was a champion of people over corporations (the Trusts). The country loved him and he won reelection in a landslide. He believed that each man should be judged solely upon his merits and not by the color of his skin – and was the first President to invite a black man to dine at the White House as a guest. That dinner with Booker T. Washington cost him dearly, but again Roosevelt was a man who placed honor and integrity above his own personal welfare and he shrugged the criticism off. He believed that it was government’s place to ensure each citizen had the opportunity for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. He believed in conservation and the preservation of natural resources. He was a reverent man who attended church regularly and believed in the value of family and home. He, personally negotiated an end to the Russo-Japanese War – and earned himself the Nobel Peace Prize in the process.

He had his flaws, certainly. He was often called imperialistic and an interventionist – especially in reference to the Panama Canal. He was outspoken, bombastic, and bullheaded. But he changed the very face of America, and set the nation on the road to superpower. He earned the highest awards any American can, as both a warrior and as a peacemaker. So few people are good at any one thing, Theodore Roosevelt was a master of many, many things. History has been very kind to him and historians regard him as one of the top five US Presidents.

Why do I mention it?

Aside from the fact that Theodore Roosevelt in one of my personal heroes and a man I admire very highly?

John McCain would have been worse for the country than Barack Obama

said Glenn Beck to Katie Couric during the first installment of Couric’s new weekly webcast, @katiecouric.

What does this have to do with the 26th President of the United States?

Well, Beck then went on to say that he would have voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton rather than John McCain if he had been faced with a choice between the two.

I can't believe I'm saying this, I think I would have much preferred her as president and may have voted for her against John McCain. McCain is this weird progressive like Theodore Roosevelt was.

I’m going to say that I can’t believe Beck said that either.

After all his bullshit about liberals, and all his endless bullshit about the Democrats, Beck declares he would have voted for Hillary Clinton over John McCain. Apparently, the woman who championed healthcare reform and staunchly liberal causes is less of a “weird progressive” than John Fucking McCain.

Buwah? Is Beck back on the sauce?

And then, not only does he manage to call McCain a liberal pussy, he manages to piss backhanded on one of the greatest leaders this country has ever had.

You can’t call what Beck does entertainment. He is not an entertainer. He’s a sick joke with a lame punch line.

If you listen to this horse’s ass, if you give credit to anything this ridiculous sad little man says and take it as anything other than the ravings of a malformed mind, well, you’re an idiot.

As much as I disagree with McCain’s politics, Glenn Beck isn’t a tenth of the American John McCain is.

And it’s for damned sure that Glenn Beck couldn’t hold TR’s towel while the President skinny-dipped in the Potomac.

Beck is nothing more than a puss filled carbuncle on the ass of humanity.

And it’s about time he was lanced.

---

* I am aware of the controversy surrounding Rushmore. I am aware of how the land was acquired. I am aware of how Native Americans regard the monument. This post isn’t about that.

Here's a Question For You

Who the hell watches "Paid Programing?"

No, really?

You ever notice…

…that whenever there’s a cute young thing in the store that you’re surreptitiously watching walk away, there’s always some huge sweaty bastard in a dirty wife-beater T-shirt with his ass crack hanging out who manages to insinuate himself directly between you and the object of your gaze and stay there like a big stinking eclipse? Usually he’s eating something disgusting… or picking his nose.

… that whenever you’re in a hurry and there’s absolutely nobody on the road except for you, some clueless moron in a rusty jalopy will pull out directly in front of you – and then proceed to drive 20 miles per hour under the speed limit deliberately catching every single red light. For the next ten miles it’s a no-passing zone. Then inevitably, a semi-truck shows up out of no damned where and tailgates your ass?

… that when you just need to get an address or a phone number out of your online address book, that’s the moment when Windows decides that it just has to index every single bit on the hard drive? Or alternatively, that’s the exact moment your virus scanner decides that it just absolutely has to scan every single byte of data in the system? Or alternatively, that’s when every piece of software you own decides that it’s the optimal time to download updates? Or better yet, all three events occur simultaneously.

… that nobody calls you all week, but if you’re on the phone with an old friend that’s the exact moment every single person you know decides to call you? And the doorbell rings. And your wife hollers for you from upstairs.

… that they only clean the public restrooms when you’ve really got to take a piss?

… that your flight is only delayed if there are kids involved? Yours or somebody else’s – specifically the ones sitting directly behind you, kicking your seat. And speaking of air travel, why is it that every single person you end up sitting next to is either hygiene optional, afflicted with the fear of flying and Crohn’s disease, or just loves to talk about the Jesus – for eight hours.

… that your nose only itches when you’re cleaning the catbox?

… that if you’re all alone in an aisle at the store and you pass a little gas, a really hot chick will show up almost instantly to give you a dirty look? The more foul the gas, the larger the number of hot girls who will show up. Guaranteed if you had chili, pickled eggs, and dark beer for dinner the night before, you'll be sharing an elevator with the Hooter's A-Team in the morning.

… that if you’re on a long trip in the car and your wife has been dozing for hours without comment and you pick your nose, that’s the exact moment she opens hers eyes and asks how come you’ve always got your finger up your nose? And speaking of long car trips, how come your kid never has to go to the bathroom until the exact moment you pass the last rest stop or exit for the next sixty-five miles?

… that if you put up something really lame on your blog, for some reason that’s the day everybody comes to look? That’s the day you get links to half a dozen forums and popular blogs and CNN? And you can look at your stats and see them all looking at that one lame-ass post and you want to scream, Wait! Don’t go, read the thing about the Rubber Chicken, Dick Cheney, and the Lesbians! I swear that’s not lame. Please don’t read the lame post. Hello? Hello?

Maybe it’s just me.

What is that you notice?

Squatters, or When the Law Goes Batshit Insane

Don and Peggy Bain are 81 years old.

They’re retired, as you might guess.

They have a nice little house is Spokane, Washington, and Don built a shop out back. Like me, he wanted a place to putter around, fixing up old cars and making bird houses. His shop has room for a couple of cars, a work area, and a small apartment.

Don and Peggy allowed Peggy’s adult son, Skippy Ray Davis, to stay in the apartment. Skippy had some issues, drugs among other things – but what are you going to do, right? Family and all that.

Skippy allowed a woman named Susan Pierce to move in, without the Bains’ permission and against their express wishes and the conditions of his residency. Then Skippy allowed a bunch of other, rather unsavory characters to move in. They trashed the place, tore up the Bains’ yard, and came and went at all hours of the day and night. As you might imagine, the Bains were unhappy.

They asked Skippy to leave, and take his shitbag friends with him. There was an altercation. The police came. It was discovered that Skippy had an outstanding warrant for failing to pay his drug fines. The police carted his ass off to the Geiger Correction Center on April Fool’s Day.

But the joke, it seems, wasn’t on Skippy, but rather on Don and Peggy Bain.

See, Susan Pierce and the rest of the rotating band of characters who had taken up residence in Don Bain’s garage didn’t leave. Don called the police to have them removed.

Instead, the police sided with the squatters.

Pierce never had the Bains’ permission to move in, never signed any kind of legal document such as a lease or rental agreement, has never paid rent or utilities or for the damage she has done to the Bains’ property – but according to the Spokane Valley Police Department, she is a legal resident and can’t be evicted without a court order.

The cops were very careful to explain this to her, repeatedly.

Lt. Stephen Jones says that while he sympathizes with the Bains, the law protects people from being thrown out on street without good reason, and Pierce can’t be evicted without a judge’s say-so. Now, dig this, because Pierce is, according to the police, a de facto resident of the property in question, she can invite others in, and there have been at least three others rotating through the Bains’ garage on a regular basis. All of which now have a claim on the Bains guest apartment.

When Pierce disappeared for several days, Don changed the locks. When Pierce returned, she called the police, who then made the Bains open the door and give Pierce a new set of keys. When Pierce and the other squatters lost the keys, police directed them to break a window so they could get into the shop – and stood by while they did so.

The Bains basically have no rights whatsoever. They must continue to make payments, they must continue to keep the lights and heat on, and they must respect the rights of their squatter tenets – including privacy. Piece even went so far as to draw up a hand lettered sign with her name and an address (the wrong one, actually, but still) and hang it on Don Bain’s fence.

The Bains have retained a lawyer and filed for eviction. A judge will have to review the case and grant the eviction if he is so inclined. Then the squatters will have 30 days to vacate. Then and only then can the Bains have police escort these parasites from their property.

Allow me to be blunt: What kind of fucked up nonsense is this?

No, seriously, what perversion of the law is this? How is it that the rights of drug addled vagrants trump the rights of tax-paying, stand up citizens?

I don’t often side with the right-wing goofs and their anti-liberal screed, but this is a case of liberalism gone batshit insane. I could, maybe, see how Skippy Ray might have a case – since the Bains gave him permission to move in. But Skippy is busy playing leap frog in the prison shower at the moment and Susan Pierce is an uninvited trespasser – a squatter that has apparently let in other squatters. They’ve trashed the Bains’ property, used utilities, denied Don Bain the use of his own shop, and turned the Bains’ life into a nightmare – where are the Bains’ rights in all of this? Who makes good for them? Will the state pay the Bains for their continued loss while the court settles this issue (and bear in mind that the court may in fact decide that Susan Pierce doesn’t have to leave, that’s unlikely, but under the law it’s possible, and she can appeal, and continue to draw this out in the meantime).

The Tenet/Landlord laws were put in place to protect the rights of property owners and to protect legal tenets from the capricious and arbitrary whim of their landlords. The laws were not put into place to deny property owners their Constitutional rights or to protect deadbeats, vandals, and criminals. These squatters are not legal residents. They are uninvited trespassers - and nothing more.

Here’s what should be done: Pierce and the other squatters should be removed forthwith from the Bains’ property – they don’t need to be evicted onto the street, they can be dropped off at the nearest homeless shelter. They should be charged for any and all damages and a reasonable amount of rent for the time they’ve lived there – if they are unable or unwilling to pay, that amount can be added to Skippy’s jail time as an abject lesson in responsibility since he seems to be lacking in that department. Let him work it off. But, the Police Department should be required to cough up the cost of that broken window – since they somehow seem to have forgotten that one of their primary functions is to protect the property of citizens. Which is a bit odd, since “Serve and Protect” is printed on the side of their cars in great big letters.

I’ve heard and seen a lot of ridiculous nonsense – but this is right up there with the most idiotic.

Astoundingly Appalling Revisionism

And as if the Somali piracy situation isn't bad enough, you've got this kind of unsupported static decreasing the signal-to-noise ratio.

Go read it, it won't take you long.

The author, Johann Hari, is an interesting fellow. Supposedly an award winning writer and the youngest ever winner of the George Orwell Prize.

I think he nuked the fridge on this one - I notice he doesn't provide references for any of his main assertions. And his interpretation of the history of pirates and piracy seems to be based solely on a single work, at least that's the only reference he provided. That work is certainly scholarly, but the author, Marcus Rediker, is a self proclaimed social activist. Understand, I'm not condeming Rediker's work or intepretation of history, and his book is certainly backed up by extensive research and has garderned excellent reviews - but it is unlikely to be unbiased, it's an interpretation of history. And Hari's use of Rediker's interpretation of historical pirate figures as a yard stick of current piracy in the Indian Ocean is a blatant fallacy of false comparison.

One can see why Hari is an award winning writer though, he's quite skilled. He's managed to create an article couched in such a manner that if you disagree with him or his view of the situation and history, you're ipso facto a racist.

Remember that old verbal trap? Answer only yes or no, do you still beat your wife? No matter how you answer, you're a wife beater.

Same thing.

The Internet, It’s Like A Series Of Crazy Tubes

I get mail.

A lot of it is cool. I like getting mail from people who enjoy this site.

Some of it is sort of cool. I’ve been getting a lot of offers lately to guest post on other sites. I say sort of cool, because these proposals make no mention of payment. I don’t write for free, unless it’s for myself, here. But then I owe me a favor, so I’m kind of obligated to myself and I'm holding me to my word - if you get what I’m saying.

Some of it is not cool. I occasionally get mail from people who take strong exception to what I write. Usually these emails make multiple references to the special Fundie Bible and where I’m eventually going to end up (one last week mentioned that I should invest in 60+ sunscreen – because, near as I can figure from the, uh, creative spelling and capitalization, apparently the sunlight in hell is really, really strong, either that or brimstone radiates in the near UV). About half the time I’m fairly certain that the writer hasn’t actually read anything I wrote. Ever. I usually delete these, but I do keep a few of the more creative ones, especially if they contain death threats. They might be handy later, if you get my drift.

Then, well then there’s the stuff I classify as other (remember this one?). Today I got this:

SergeG to Me:

IT IS NOT A SPAM, but if you received that message second and plus time JUST CLICK DELETE button and have a nice day. Don't feel bad, please understand original Scarlett's family very desperate to shut down that humiliating antichristian "actress" clones line career development. Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson ?actress? actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career, surname Galabekian, because of adoption happened in 1992. Clones was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more,those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorize personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way! Her close friend Serge G. P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION. Check also here: http://www.flickfilosopher.com/blog/2008/10/warning_stolen_biological_mate.html H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more. These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and many other countries, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.

Back in October, Serge apparently sent a similar missive regarding the illicit cloning of the unsexy Christian lady Scarlett Galabekian to Flickfilosopher Mary Ann Johansson (my very favorite movie reviewer, and one of the few who actually gets The Thirteenth Warrior, go Mary Ann!). Mary Ann posted it on her blog, and Serge even showed up to make a few comments, much hilarity ensued. I’m flattered to make Serge’s mailing list and as much as I like the FlickFilosopher, I don’t think Mary Ann gave SergeG the serious consideration he deserves.

Others might regard this as just the ravings of a crazy mad German, hopped up on yeasty beer and imported mad cow infected meat from England (think the war is over? Think again. How do you want your cheeseburger, Klaus? Rare? Jawhohl!), but to a trained military analyst such as myself the veracity of the message is apparent in detailed analysis of the first sentence: “IT IS NOT A SPAM.” It’s subtle, but with the proper training it’s impossible to miss.

Now, I do admit that it is really difficult to imagine that the original donor of the biological material is “not d**n sexy” – Either that or “damn sexy” means something else entirely in the Rhineland. I mean, according to Serge, isn’t Scarlett Johansson supposed to be a copy of Scarlett Galabekian? (Well, except for the Christian part that is, apparently you can’t clone that stuff). But see, here’s the thing, wouldn’t the clone be less sexy? Clones are copies of the original, and as anybody who has ever used a Xerox machine can tell you, copies lack something. Originality maybe. They’re a little fuzzy around the edges, a little blurry and faded. If Scarlett Johansson is a copy, Scarlett Galbekian must be some seriously smoking hawtness. Just saying.

Of course, cloning being a Nazi technology under command of Helmut Kohl’s staff, and Germans being the anal-retentive engineers they are, maybe they’ve figured out how to make the copies more sexy than the original, kind of increase the sharpness so to speak. Do a little photoshopping in the incubation phase or something. I’m really not up on the particulars of illicit large scale clone armies. Thank God for expert whistle-blowers like Serge. SergeG would know too, he’s Scarlett G’s close friend, so we should probably take his word for it. Beside, he knows a thing or two about unethical science!

It would be easy to dismiss this warning as just another crazy German with an internet connection and no pants – But see Johansson was in The Island, a movie about clones! And who was her co-star? None other than Ewan McGregor, who was not only in The Island (a movie about clones!), but also in Attack of the Clones (a movie about freakin clones!)

Coincidence? Yeah, sure.

The signs, folks, they’re everywhere.

And Cloning would go a long way toward explaining Johansson’s rather fuzzy acting style.

Maybe the Germans could work on that.

Also, maybe they could send me a catalog of available models – purely for research purposes, of course.

And a price list.

_______________________________________________________________

Note: As a retired military officer and someone still bound by the provisions of US security regulations, I can neither confirm nor deny any military mission relating to the monitoring, control, lusting after, or attending movies of any clone.

Also, I completely deny the rumor that I myself am a clone of Tom Selleck – any resemblance is purely in my head.