Dogs Sniff Out Underwear Bombs!

The title of this post was lifted directly from a CNN headline this morning.

Dogs sniff out underwear bombs.

Yes, yes they do.

It’s pretty much instinctual with dogs, the sniffing out of underwear bombs, they don’t need much in the way of training for that. Take my dog for example. This morning when the TV flashed Dick Cheney’s pale corpse-like visage onto my screen along with the comment, “Former VP blasts Obama on Terrorism” my dog began to bark madly. I didn’t need a dog whisperer to tell me she was shouting, “Underwear bomb! Underwear bomb!” when the big turd blossom started to speak.

Cheney was lambasting the President for what the former VP says is a poor response to the failed Christmas day terrorist attack on a Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. Cheney wants to know “why doesn’t he [Obama] want to admit we’re at war?” Cheney goes on to say that the President is trying to pretend “that we’re not at war.”

Why doesn’t Obama know we’re at war?

Why doesn’t Obama know we’re at war?

Well, it’s probably because, unlike Dick Cheney, Barack Obama has no military experience. Cheney is an expert on war, he damned well knows one when he sees one. Seriously here folks, you have to give the man his due, you don’t spend the entire Vietnam Conflict working an endless string of draft deferments and not learn something about war – and how to avoid actually serving in one yourself. Dick is also pretty good at hiding in an undisclosed hole in the ground while other people’s kids march off to die in a foreign land and he knows the proper presidential response time to an attempted act of terrorism – after all it only took his adminstration six days to return from vacation and address the nation after Richard “Shoe Bomber” Reid pulled the same half-assed stunt during Bush’s watch. So when Cheney broadsides the President for continuing his vacation and taking two days to address the nation regarding Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s attempted bombing, well, let’s just saying the man knows about underwear bombs.

Or as my dog says, “If it smell like ass, it probably is ass.”

George W. Bush has remained, for the most part, mercifully quiet. But members of his former administation are all waving torches and pitchforks. Karl Rove was on FOXNews yesterday (really, where else would he be? FOX is like the wormy safety of graveyard dirt for that bloodless parasite, he goes there to avoid sunlight), saying much the same thing as Cheney – almost like the two were cribbing off the same cheatsheet. Both conservatives acuse the White House of downplaying terrorism.

And they are not alone.

Good God Fearin’ Representive Peter Hoekstra of Michigan said, “The threat to the United States is real. I think this administration has downplayed it. They need to recognize it, identify it." Hoekstra then proceeded to recognize and identify his biggest threat - a lack of funds in his reelection warchest - and he then used the failed terrorist plot as an opportunity to get out a fundraising email to supporters.

Senator Jim DeMint, a patriot if there ever was one, said, “The president has downplayed terrorism since he took office. He doesn’t use the word anymore.” DeMint, who uses the word “terrorism” in every single sentence – sometimes twice – has a point, if liberals would only use the word more often the country would be safe. Why oh why will liberals not take the easy steps?

GOP members of Congress formed committees to sharply question how the suspected terrorist could have gotten on a plane in the first place – after all the man was black, that should have raised red flags immediately. The GOP also questioned why Obama wasn’t doing more to secure foreign airports in other countries run by people who aren’t actually American citizens. And while Cheney’s comments have drawn sharp criticism from the Left, the GOP praised him - and others like Sarah Palin - for having the courage to speak up.

You know, if only Cheney had run for President, if only President Cheney and his plucky sidekick Sarahcuda were in the White House right now, then we’d see a real proper Patriotic response to this terrorist threat:

Step 1: First, ridicule France.

Step 2: Activate a Cold War Bunker. From 3000 feet deep in the Virginia bedrock, assure the American people that you stand with us and you’re thinking of our children and how we all share the risks of terrorism equally. Wish Americans good luck and offer to pray for them. Remind them to report anybody who appears to have a suspicious crotch to the nearest secret police law enforcement agency – especially if they appear to be lighting their balls on fire. In fact, just to be safe, people should probably report the sighting of any testicle, flaming or otherwise. You just can’t be too careful.

Step 3: Blame gay marriage for the rise in Islamic extremism (flaming balls, hello, do I have to spell it out?).

Step 4: Intelligence points to the terrorist being Nigerian. AH HA! Fucking Nigeria! That’s where yellow cake uranium comes from! Somebody is going to get carpet bombed into the far side of a Planet of the Apes movie – go wake up Moses, er, I mean Charlton Heston (Yes, yes, I know he’s dead, trust me, it won’t make any difference).

Step 5: Order the TSA to ban the wearing of underwear on all international flights and require all black men to remove their testicles and place them on the belt during airport security screenings. One hour before landing, all testicles will have to be secured in the overhead storage bins.  Unusual or Oversized testicles will need to be transported in your checked baggage.

Step 6: Blame Clinton for derailing research into crotch sniffing technology.

Step 7: Sacrifice a CIA agent and invoke the sacred name of Ronald Reagan. Announce new “faith-based” anti-terrorism measures which will put a “Sky Minister” on random flights to help passengers pray in the event of a terrorist hijacking.

Step 8: Rally Americans with stimulating speeches about Patriotism (note the capital “P,” you’re either with us or against us, Pal) and the 2nd Amendment – if that doesn’t work, give them a tax rebate.

Step 9: Ensure that no Faith-based program anti-terrorism funds are used for abortion.

Step 10: Invade Iceland.


Don’t worry about that last step, the war will be over in a month. Guaranteed.

And the Icelanders will cheer us in the streets of Reykjavik.