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Saturday, May 2, 2015

Jade Helm: The Insanity that Ate Texas

Update: Comments on this post are now well over 200. If you want to see all the comments including comments nested under others, then you have to scroll all the way to the bottom of the comment queue and click on “load more.” You may have to do this several times. This is a function of the Blogger platform, that’s just how it works.

Note: Comments on Stonekettle Station are moderated. There are commenting rules posted on the bottom of the comments page. I don’t care if you read them or not, but if you don’t comply, then your comment will not post. Additionally: don’t bother screaming conspiracy lunacy at me, I’m not going to debate crazy people. Period. And you can’t double-dog dare me into doing it. Save your threats: I’m a veteran, I’ve been threatened by professionals. If you’re going to take a shot at me, make the first one count because you won’t get a second. 

Welcome to Stonekettle Station // Jim Wright


 

Jade Helm.

Martial Law.

FEMA Death Camps.

Oh, it’s coming, Folks. It’s a comin’.

This is it. This is the big one. Obama is about to make his move. Martial law, you betcha, FEMA death camps and secret tunnels under Wal-Mart. Oh they warned us, they did, the powdered wig wearing Patriots of the Tea Party, they warned us. Grab the wimen’ folk, load yer guns, hoist the Confederate Battle Flag! To the bunkers! To the bunkers!

"Just because you're paranoid," said Ted Cruz, "doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Right.

And just because you have the word "Senator" in front of your name doesn't mean you're sane, rational, qualified to run the country, or have an IQ higher than that of a sea cucumber.

Seriously, somebody help me out here: what the fuck happened to Texas?

What the fuck happened to Texas?

There’s just no polite, no non-profane way to ask. What. The. Fuck. Happened to Texas?

Is it the heat? Is it the water? Did somebody spike the punch bowl with psychotropic drugs? Is it inbreeding? It is, isn’t it?

The entire state has gone bonkers.

The Governor of Texas has mobilized his own personal army and Ted Cruz is demanding answers from the Pentagon.

Because, you know, if there really was a secret plot, the generals would tell him. What? Senator Cruz has asked about our super secret nefarious plot to invade our own country and force Texans into hidden underground FEMA centers where they’ll be disarmed and gay married to Muslims? Drat! He’s on to us! Then they twirl their Snidely Whiplash moustaches,  Curses! Foiled again by that brave Canadian cartoon hero, Dudley Cruz.

Let’s say this really was a thing.

Sure, just for the sake of argument, let’s say Obama really is planning on herding Texans into FEMA death camps disguised as Wal-Marts.

Why would he need the army?

Think about it. Why would you need some secret plot to get Texans into a Wal-Mart?

Announce a Veterans Day sale with 50% off all ammunition, Duck Dynasty camouflage, and frozen chicken nuggets, unlock the doors, and step the hell out of the way before you get trampled.

Honestly, where does the Army come in?

It has finally come down to this.

This, right here, this is just how low the once great party of Lincoln has sunk.

This right here, this drooling lunacy, this mental illness, is the state of America. This is what talk radio and reality TV and Budweiser fueled NASCAR has done to the gene pool.

This, right here.

I've been putting it off, talking about Jade Helm, because it's just so stupid, just so utterly fucking stupid even for the twitching under-medicated paranoia that passes for Republicans nowadays. But now that Texas Governor Greg Abbott and Texas Senator Ted Cruz have weighed in on the side of booger eating stupidity,  I see I can’t evade it any longer.

Very well.

Let me be blunt, or blunter than I’ve already been: anybody, anybody, who believes President Obama is about to send the United Nations to invade Texas, declare martial law, and herd Texans into FEMA Death Camps Of Death cleverly hidden in a secret network of continent spanning tunnels linking Wal-Marts across the nation, anybody who believes this ridiculous howling bullshit in any way whatsoever should be darted with powerful tranquilizers, netted from black helicopters, pumped full of happy juice before they start eating their own feces, and installed in a dark padded cell where the most dangerous thing they encounter each day is a small plastic cup of institutional butterscotch pudding pushed through a small opening in the bottom of the door with a stick.

Yeah, but, but, but, the Army, Obama, Texas, Jade Helm!

Shut up. Take your medication, in fact double up on it, and just shut the fuck up.

Just, shut up.

image

 

A blubbering paranoid on Facebook managed to get all the drool summed up in one place. My response to her is as follows (edited and expanded):

"How do you explain the Jade Helm law?"

Easy: THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

There is no, repeat no, "Jade Helm Law."

"JADE HELM 15" is standard domestic exercise, same as dozens of others, same as any that have been going on since the country was founded.

Look, maybe you haven't noticed, but we in the military are often called upon to operate in foreign lands, particularly in urban and suburban environments. How in the hell do you think we train for that? What? You think it’s just fucking magic? We get by on our charm and wholesome American looks? Do you have any idea what it takes to do what we do? Coordination, communication, navigation, talking to civilians, security, just finding your way around in a strange city, and a thousand other mundane things you've never thought of. How in the hell do you think we learn that?

You can't exactly send troops to Tehran to practice you know – well, you can, but it’s bound to get you talked about, especially that part involving, you know, military invasion of a foreign country. So we do it here, in our country, where we can concentrate on the skills necessary without being shot at - except given the rise in paranoid droolers here at home, maybe it would be easier to do it in a hostile foreign land. These days, Baghdad is far more sane and friendly than whatever the fuck is going on down there in Texas.

Honest to God, what the hell is wrong with you people?

We do this all of the time. This is what we do when conservatives don’t have us invading other countries. We practice. We practice navigation of navy ships up the coasts of our nation. We practice landing on the beaches of San Diego. The Air Force practices long range bombing runs across thousands of miles of US territory. The deserts of the American Southwest make a good facsimile of Middle Eastern conditions, and it’s a whole lot better to learn how to use a map and compass and a GPS unit there than when you’re trying to find your way out of the Swat Valley. The National Guard practices convoys on US highways – you must have seen those military vehicles out there on the road, what did you think they were doing? Driving shitty lowest bidder trucks two hundred miles for fun?

Yeah, but what about foreign troops on US soil? What about that? Huh? Huh?

What about it?

Listen, how do you think we learn to work together if we never practice together? If the first time we try to work with Belgian troops, or Senegalese, or Chinese, is when we're, oh, you know, TRYING TO FUCKING FEED PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RUINS LEFT BY A NEPALESE EARTHQUAKE? I'm just saying here, you know, for example.

How is it you expect us to work with the Mexican army to reduce drug trafficking, again for example, if we never train together? If we can’t even talk to each other? If we don’t even know what goddamned frequencies each other’s radios are on? If we can’t tell a Mexican General from a private? Do you know? Can you read Mexican Army Rank insignia? Can you?

How do you think the ships of a dozen nations would be able to sail together if they didn't practice? Do you have any idea what it takes to form a fleet and sail in close proximity to each other? To navigate across thousands of miles of open ocean, to patrol coastal waters, to coordinate resupply and personnel transfers and communication and a million other things necessary to, oh, you know, hunt down pirates together in the Indian Ocean, or enforce UN sanctions against Iran in the Arabian Gulf, or search for a missing Japanese sailboat lost in the Pacific? Do you? Do you have any idea what that takes? When’s the last time you worked with the Chinese navy doing SAR for a missing Malaysian airliner in the South China Sea? Well? No, no, don’t be shy, step right up and tell us how to do it, after all you’re no doubt an expert on the Peoples Liberation Army Navy – what’s that? You didn’t even know China’s Navy was part of the Army? Funny, you being such a fucking expert on military exercises and all, I mean.

How do you think the air forces of a dozen different countries with different requirements and different procedures and different equipment and different communication protocols and different languages are able to work together, again for, oh, say, delivering supplies to a disaster zone, if they never talk to each other? If they don’t practice. Do you have any idea what that takes? Any at all? Or are you too busy imagining secret tunnels under Wal-Mart?

Here's another example: every year US troops and foreign forces from dozens of nations gather here in Alaska for NORTHERN EDGE where they work together and practice terrifying liberty destroying horrors such as learning to cross country ski in full military gear with hundred pound backpacks - you know, just in case some conservative jerkoff sends them to invade the snowy mountains of Afghanistan.

And we've done all of this literally for centuries.

"People are stupid and giving the government all the room they need to enact whatever laws they want to."

While I agree that the commenter is an object example of the first three words of that ridiculous sentence, the rest of it is provably wrong. And here's an idea, if you don't like the laws being passed, try electing people that aren't insane paranoids for a change.

America is a government of the people, by the people, and for the people - if you don't like the government, you've got nobody to blame but yourself. Stop acting like a mental defective and grow the hell up.

"While martial law is usually declared under a state of emergency, things are changing and there may come a day when that isn't the case."

May come to.

May.

Right. And the world may be destroyed by impact with the giant invisible planet Nibiru or conquered by naked purple lizard people from the alternate dimension of Crazyfuckistan.

What's next, you gonna tell me about the bogeyman hiding in your closet?

If you think the president can just wave his big Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo and declare martial law, you really don't understand how your government works - but then again that's not even a little bit surprising given a sitting US senator such as Ted Cruz apparently doesn't understand how the very government he is part of works either.

"Call it what you want, but this is reality now."

No. No it's not.

This is not reality.

It's a paranoid delusion completely divorced from reality and based on a faulty premise manufactured whole cloth by conspiracy mongers such as Alex Jones who make tidy livings preying on gullible mental patients.

"I do my own research."

That's what the commenter said, I do my own research. That’s how she knew the pending invasion of Texas was for reals, man, for reals.

I do my own research.

No. NO. Just … no.

No you don't.

What this crazy little nutter is doing is not research.

She doesn’t even know what that word actually means. Research is a structured formal process complete with checks and balances, multiple points of verification, experimentation, and fault testing. We actually teach classes in research. What these loons are doing is not, repeat not, research.

What it is is masturbation.

It makes them feel good but it's not the kind of thing anybody should be doing in public and you really shouldn't confuse it for actual intimacy.

What they are doing is nothing more than jerking off to conspiracy porn.

Every single part of this idiotic conspiracy theory is taken directly from "alternative news." It's self-reinforcing paranoid gibberish, like mental patients licking butterscotch pudding off of each other, and nothing more.

Now, listen to me and listen good:

This stupid shit isn't worth my time.

It's not worth your time.

It’s not worth any rational person’s time.

It’s certainly not worth a state Governor’s time, or a Senator, both of whom should have demonstrated basic leadership by telling their booger eating constituents to sit down and shut. the. fuck. UP.

You all should have grown out of this silly horseshit around about the time you stopped having your daddy check under your bed for monsters.

Stop it. Stop it right now.

If you can’t, then find an adult: have them slap you across the face, HARD, hard enough to knock out what few rotten teeth you have remaining in your pointy head. Have them slap the drool out of you. Have them keep smacking you up side your goddamned head until they knock some fucking sense into you.

This entire thing is a spook story manufactured whole cloth by people who make money, gobs and gobs of money, by preying on the simpletons and the fearful.

If you believe in any of this crap, then you are either mentally ill OR you are so goddamned stupid you shouldn't be allowed any social interaction of any kind without a court appointed keeper.

Stop it. Stop it right now.

"Just because you're paranoid," said Ted Cruz, "doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Dude, they’re out to get you because you’re paranoid.

Paranoia is a mental illness, not a super power.

And only a raving lunatic would think otherwise.

418 comments:

  1. This. So MUCH this! Thank you for writing about this!

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  2. Back when GW was President, I was expecting him to declare Martial Law. I didn't expect the Republicans to just allow Obama to become President. And then we saw a peaceful transition of government and Obama took power. That's when I realized those mindless fears were idiocy.

    What Texas is doing is inflating their own self-importance. If I were to believe David Brin and others of his ilk, I might even consider it the next volley in the start of Civil War II. But I very much doubt that will happen. Republicans want it all. Not half a nation. All of it. This is just a means of riling up their voting base so they vote once more for the Republicans, while Republicans do everything to discourage Democrats and Independents from voting. It's wind and mind games.

    And ultimately it'll be for naught.

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    1. I am what those on the right would call a "liberal" and I am also older and experienced in things like bad cops, riots etc so I can be really cynical. Give you an example: I really think Obama was selected by the Party to play the part of our first black President to placate the actual liberals in the society. Since he rules exactly like a Cheney University graduate I tend to think of him as a moderate Republican, or actually a moderate fascist. I also expect them to allow Hillary to run and win because she is also a fascist. 99% of our government is fascist, allowing laws to be passed to serve corporations while removing civil rights from the majority. So the Republicans didn't "let Obama become President", they hired him for the job! First "black" President makes the history books and he better do what he is told or his two daughters might not give him grandchildren... or hugs.... See how cynical I have become? and yet... the facts fit the fantasy. geez.

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    2. You're not from around here, are you, W.D?

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    3. Wouldn't Civil War II be when Captain America fights Iron Man?

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    4. I think W.D. also does his own research! As a once proud resident of The Great State, I can tell you I no longer even recognize the place. It has simmered itself in crazy so long, it's become a Tealibanderthuglifundiecan gumbo of epic proportion. I live in California, where real people are solving real problems to be concerned about. Water, infrastructure, deficits, radioactive fish, pollution, education...you know reality that might actually affect our children and their children. I still know MANY Texans who are not total loons, but they HAVE to be suffering from their own version of the Stockholm syndrome by now. I feel for them, because they are bordered by Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana...and I'm not too sure about New Mexico! And of course....Mexico (you know...where the ISIS/ISIL Ebola camps are located).

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    5. @W.D. Shirley... Surely you jest. One outrageous conspiracy theory countering another is still an outrageous conspiracy theory. After reading your blog bio I find it really hard to believe that your above writing is honest or truly what you believe. My condolences on the loss of your son.

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    6. Donal, W.D. may be a bit hyperbolic in tone, but if you don't think there's a behind the scenes selection process you are incredibly naive. Do you think one of our (sadly only) two major parties would allow a candidate hostile to their corporate donor/cronies? The reason Hillary is considered such a lock for the nomination is not because she is so loved by the people, it's because she's best buddies with defense contractors, finance, and Monsanto.

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    7. Really? I guess it would be futile to ask for proof of any kind. This is the craziness that may elect Jeb and give the GOP all our government. Does anyone remember the 2000 election?

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    8. Yeah, the Republicans LOVE Obama because he's their man. That's why they've been so cooperative with literally every thing he's done. Or not.

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  3. "Do you have any idea what that takes?"

    No, they don't. This is why so many people give no consideration to actually sending our troops "over there" to fight - because there is absolutely no thought given to what that entails and what possible consequences may occur.

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    Replies
    1. But, but, Rambo took on a whole squadron of Viet Cong all by himself.

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    2. And only had a little help driving the Russians out of Afghanistan. ;)

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  4. Aaaaand coffee all over my computer screen.

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  5. How is it, you expect us to work with the Mexican army to reduce drug trafficking, again for example, if we never train together? If we can even talk to each other?

    It would parse better if it read "If we can't even talk to each other?"

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    1. Wow. Is this all that you gleaned from the article? Are you from Texas?

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    2. Please take your grammar naziism to the New Yorker or something. Christ...PLEASE!

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    3. Folks, please. You're obviously not regulars. I encourage readers to point out typos and errors. I'd rather correct the errors and I appreciate my readers helping out.

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    4. Nice, Jim. I was educated in Texas, and the job I have relies heavily on grammar and spelling, so when I see someone correcting those who have no idea, I appreciate it.

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    5. Peoples Liberation Army Navy = PLAN. Since the PLAN is now public, bust out the black helicopters and Men in Black. Last one out of 'Murica get the lights.

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  6. Beautiful! Kruz....you may be paranoid, but we really don't like you! Nuttier than a fruit cake!

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  7. Right on. Conspiracy nuts is one thing, but a US Senator investigating this like it's real? Horsefeathers.

    Typos:
    Shut up. Take you_r_ medication and just shut the fuck up.
    Du_d_e, they’re out to get you, because you’re paranoid.

    Dr. Phil

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  8. the nut-job militia groups are looking for any reason to go be pretend hero's like they all thought they were during the Clive Bundy Ranch stand-off, just like they practice on their pretend army playground.

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  9. Obviously the drooling paranoid herds of conspiracy theorists have never watched the 2012 movie "Battleship".

    (2012 was a banner year for disaster and alien invasion movies)

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  10. Dear Jim,

    Thank you. Sincerely. I will link this far and wide.

    Cheers,
    Craig.

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  11. Delusional paranoids with lots of guns. Stopping right now would be lovely. All other options are stratospherically unlovely. It must be in the water: all the aquifers in Texas have been fracked to terminal toxicity.

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  12. Great, great rant.
    Like all great rants, true in every syllable.
    Followed a link from a Balloon Juice commenter. I'll be back.
    FWIW, my dad was an Army CWO (22 years), retired after he came home from 'Nam in '68.

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  13. "Due, they’re out to get you, because you’re paranoid."
    Was that first word supposed to be "Dude"?

    The frothing stupidity of the RWNJs and the GOP is really starting to get amazing. It makes me wonder if this is really what Fox News intended when they started the propaganda fest they call their programming. You wonder if even they are sitting back there and going "Dial it back a bit boys."

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  14. Too many Texans, not enough sharpies.

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  15. Yeah, there are not enough 4x4's in the world to fix this level of stupid.

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    Replies
    1. You could try hitting them with 2x4s, but you're right, the skulls are so thick a 2x4 would probably snap.

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    2. I remember watching the original version of Walkiing Tall with Joe Don Baker protraying Sheriff Buford Pusser in 1973, it was a biographical movie. Sheriff Pusser ended up using a 4x4 to crack heads with, because it would not break as easily as a 2x4 would.

      Scroll ahead to 1976, I am a college kid and I decide to attend the Congressional hearings on expanding Redwood National Park Phil Burton chaired the hearings, at the Veteran's auditorium in Eureka California (I wanted to witness history in the making). As I walked into the building sitting on a chair in the very back of the auditorium was a logger looking dude, whittling on a 4 foot long 4x4.

      Obviously, he had seen the movie too. Needless to say, the movie and the reality left an indelible mark on my memories. *Laughs*

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  16. This insanity has also eaten most of my family, in numerous states other than Texas. They honestly believe this sort of thing, and it truly is like a mental illness. I can get mad, I can laugh at it, but mostly it breaks my heart because it has eroded our relationships and from what I can tell, there is absolutely no cure. The more you try to talk sense to them, the harder they fight back and cling to outrageous delusions, all the while insisting the normal people are crazy/misguided ones. WTF, indeed.

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    1. Researchers have done PET scans on people who have these types of paranoid views and have found that their brains actually do work different. Then Leon Festinger came up with the theory of "cognitive dissonance". This probably won't help with dealing with your family but at least you know you're not the only one suffering:)

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  17. *sigh* This shit is why my conservative, Christian, Republican husband said, "We need to get the fuck out of this state."

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    1. Nick, who was once from The O.C.May 3, 2015 at 8:04 AM

      Suzan, we bailed out of North Texas last year. We put the house on the market between Thanksgiving and Christmas -- a truly terrible time to try to sell a house -- because we needed to get out right then. Now we are living in SoCal: lots of sun but not much water. Come to think of it, there wasn't a whole lot of water in North Texas either ....

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  18. Third to last sentence- do you mean "dude", not due?

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  19. Why, oh why can't these folks rave about something more reality based: the imminent invasion by The Leather Goddesses of Phobos? Jade Helm, martial law, and FEMA camps are nothing compared to the horrid plans the Goddesses have for all of mankind! If these twits have their panties in a bunch over a training exercise, imagine how they will swoon when they realize the utter depravity their lives will be under the world wide domination of the Leather Goddesses...

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    Replies
    1. I for one welcome our new Leather Goddesses!

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    2. As a former Leather Goddess myself, I approve of this message.

      Delete
  20. Excellent piece. I believe you have two typos, however. The first is 7 paragraphs past the graphic of the insane rant--I think you want "place" after "sane and friendly", and I believe you want "Dude" and not "Due" three paragraphs up from the bottom.

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  21. The real question (much as I hate to ask it) is: what happens when a bunch of these inbred yahoos, stoked up on paranoia, fear, and hate, load up their SUVs (probably with a massively ironic "Support Our Troops" yellow ribbon decal on the back) and decide to go out and shoot them some American troops? I mean, aside from the inbred yahoos being blown to tiny bits of coyote chow?

    Cruz and the other bottom feeders who caused this mess will immediately say innocent civilians were attacked from Jackbooted Thugs and demand investigations, Obama's impeachment and, for all I know, martial law (because they are seriously irony impaired). Jones and the other paranoid liars of right-wing media will join in. Lunatic militias will take it as a green light to shoot up anybody who they think doesn't look like a Real American. it could get very ugly very fast.

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    1. I was wondering about the same thing. What happens when those "Freedumb Fighters" load up the hoverounds and 4x4s with their Gadsden flags flying and and start shooting at OUR military. Hope they stock up on Depends cause they'll need them.

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    2. I doubt if that would ever happen. Most of them are too chickenshit to ever actually do anything with those guns.

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  22. It would be a really hard job, but if it's covered by Obamacare, I will gladly sign up to be a face slapper. I mean, someone's gotta step up and handle this necessary job.

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  23. I can't figure this shit out either. I, unfortunately, and maybe in some cases fortunately spent many years in Texas as part of the US Army. At the end of it all , and once removed I began to notice how it all started out a pretty normal place Circa 1980, and then as time went on it just got more and more weird Circa 1985-86. Then it went into full tilt ape-shit bat-shit crazyville circa 1993-95, and the crazy has continued. Heck my last unit convoyed from Hood to Star County to do a public health mission. No one said anything close to this paranoid crazyville shit, and we are inoculating children and adults. Jesus! given this stuff I think we would have had to deploy with weapons and ammo for fear of our own safety, because they'd be saying we were filling children with drugs that would make them of all God forsaken things liberals, or as they prefer to call progressive thinkers ..libtards....It baffles the imagination, well rational imagination, theirs on the other hand???????

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  24. Ultimately, though, this is the only thing one can say in response to people like Cruz and Jones: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-lJZiqZaGA

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  25. Texas has been going downhill and picking up speed ever since the oil companies funded George W. Bush for governor to get rid of Ann Richards. If you want insight into how these guys think and dealing with Texas Republicans, read some of the books Ann Richards wrote.

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  26. South Jersey DocMay 2, 2015 at 10:54 PM

    Texas is sort of a foreign country. Too foreign for us to understand but not quite foreign enough to invade and conquer and certainly not worth the effort.

    Maybe we oughtta just pretend the South won the Civil War and let Texas go. If they won't leave peacefully, throw them the hell out. Any other state with an average IQ lower than room temperature may also leave with them.

    I have friends in Texas and they can't explain it either and these are educated, eloquent folks. On out last visit there, they welcomed us by saying "Welcome to Texas. Set your watch back 150 years."

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    Replies
    1. love the way you think!

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    2. It's even funnier if you think in Celsius degrees. Then their IQ is lower than 20.

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  27. I'd give just about anything to dredge up just one more viable ovum in this sixty year old carcass and pay you any ridiculous amount you demanded to fertilize it so I could bear your child. I'm just sayin'.

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    1. There turn out to be unpleasant side effects.

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  28. "What's next, you gonna tell me about the bogeyman hiding in your closet?"

    I'm pretty sure those aliens are actually under the bed. Here's a hint: they look an awful lot like dustballs.

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  29. Very sad to see that the far right in the Southwest(mainly Texas) are resorting to such utterly insane tactics,for this will only trigger a second Civil War that'll bring an awful lot of danger to our nation. Those nutty far right politicians are only making their state look bad since Texas is still known for its wonderful food,great nightlife(and nightclubs),incredible music scene,and beautiful women,as well as being the home of Dimebag Darrell,Jesse Jane,Joe Bob Briggs,and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

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  30. All this reminds me of the day care scare epitomized by the McMartin Preschool debacle. Naked pictures! Dead bunnies! Secret tunnels! Satanists! Won't somebody think of the children!? And no one rolled over on the others - that proves they were guilty! It was the mother of all conspiracy theories.

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  31. As a complete aside, I don't recall any stories of snow on D-day, but my maternal grandpa helped train troops in WWII to ski, in case that might come in handy. He also taught rappelling, which might have been slightly more useful. (He was also, primarily, conductor in the Army band. Just barely sneaked into the Army at all--almost too old at 30, and had one or two somewhat rare conditions that DQ'd him from going overseas, but generally let him do most things he was determined enough to get done. (Was one of those guys who never put on weight--ever. A trait I did NOT inherit.)) Gotta wonder, did the troops do their skiing and rappelling dressed up in recognizable uniforms, and did the public go insane about it at the time? Or were we, in general, as a nation, capable of a little more rational thought back then?
    Gretchen in KS

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  32. "What's next, you gonna tell me about the bogeyman hiding in your closet?"
    The bogeyman doesn't hide in her closet. He comes out for tea and scones.

    Bruce

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  33. Excellent work, Mr. Wright. Who cares about the damn typos! You were on a role and it showed. You don't know how much I needed that. "Sea Cucumber" was good, but I could regain my composure. "FEMA Death Camps of Death" left a crack in the defenses, an artful little device I didn't see coming. By the time the naked purple lizard people landed, I was done for. ("It was a one eyed, one horned flying pur... " Uh, never mind.)

    I don't know what you make, but you're worth every dime and more. You provide a valuable public service, sir. Thank You and God Bless.

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  34. Crazyfuckistan. Can we rename Texas now? I think you've created the perfect name for the state. Good one.

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  35. Sorry about the anonymous tag – I’m a regular reader and really should sort that out.

    Anyway. I try to think beyond the ravings of the gullible dupes and consider the motivation of those who encourage them. I cannot believe (I’ve tried but every scenario I develop gainsays it) that the elected officials behind this idiocy – the governor of one of the USA’s biggest and richest states, an elected member of your government etc. etc. – can possibly believe the crap they put out. It just isn’t rational on any level – unless it is a deliberate political strategy. If it is such (strategy or tactic? You’re the military man, Jim, help me out!), then the cynicism behind it borders on sociopathic - actually crosses that border, in fact. Is there not some criminal statute against using public office to deliberately mislead and miss-inform? If not maybe there should be.

    As always, America, I fear for your future. The Frenchie-Brit

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    1. I fear the governor of Texas, like most right wingers in a position of power, knows all too well that this is total BS, and willingly participates in a big lie to score political points and keep the base riled up, which keeps the base from paying attention to the disaster looming because of Republican policies. There will be pitchforks when the base (too late) figures it out!

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    2. Follow the money. Who benefits from these whackos? Financially as well as politically (which, let's face it - amounts to the same thing these days).

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  36. Michael Van PeltMay 3, 2015 at 4:05 AM

    Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo

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  37. Just in case the feds should decide to herd in some of these crazies, there's an empty Walmart in my town with good parking. Only a couple blocks from the cop shop and the National guard is only minutes away. Those black helicopters could swoop in and haul them all away real easy.

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  38. "You all should have grown out of this silly horseshit around about the time you stopped having your daddy check under your bed for monsters."

    Jim - shame on you for assuming facts not in evidence - you are implying theyt stopped having daddy check.

    Should "manufactured whole cloth" be "manufactured out of whole cloth"?

    Otherwise, awesome as usual rant.

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  39. Spot on. Thanks so much. My son is stationed at Ft. Bliss and participates in military exercises there all the time. I would be, to put it mildly, pissed off if he gets shot at by some paranoid nutcase egged on by rumors such as these. And by a Texas governor who is apparently an idiot...

    Other people have told you about typos, so I assume it is okay to tell you that the phrase is "from whole cloth." I am trying to remember the derivation, but I can't. Maybe Obama introduced it and it is really a code phrase for "I was born in Kenya." Who knows?

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  40. I will never forget what a wise, older, gentleman told me: if a day goes by and you did not learn something new, then your day was wasted. I always learn something new when I read your essays. Thank you, Jim.

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  41. Maybe, if we offer to forgive Mexico's debt we could convince them to take Texas of our hands.

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    1. I am from Mexico. And no thank you!!!

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    2. Ok, I thought we could work something out. But I guess they are our problem, but you may want to watch that border in case the Texan's start trying to sneak across the border.

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  42. Somewhere behind the scenes program directors at Fox are betting each other 6 packs and dinner over what outrageous shit they can get people to believe

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  43. My concern is not with the military training, it is with those who are making it into a scary thing. The militias are already spouting all kinds of idiot speak. Some of them are talking defending against our own military and the idiots are seeing foreign take over. Alec Jones should be locked up or at least silenced, in my opinion. But there are lots who are completely taken in by him and the "alternate news" people.
    I agree totally with you. Just hope no one gets too stupid (more so than already) over this.

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  44. "Paranoia is a mental illness, not a super power." So simply perfect- now can we find a fix for all these morons that's also simple? If America is to fall as a civilization, it will be under the combined weight of drooling, paranoia addicts like today's 'christian conservatives'.

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  45. I'm having a kind of Rodney Dangerfield moment...

    SOC runs one multi-state exercise, and It's The End Of The World As We Know It. NORTHCOM, on the other hand, nukes a US city every year (red state cities, no less) for their Vibrant Response consequence management exercise, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

    No respect, I tell you. No respect.

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  46. I don't reply or comment on blogs because I prefer to let the author say his or her peace... but you sir are the shit. Thank you for the purple lizard thing too... That is all. Carry on. :)

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  47. You forgot the train cars full of shackles cause, you know, Obummer doesn't plan to step down after his second term.

    I swear, every time I think our elected politicians here in Texas (no I did not vote for a single one of them and I also refuse to shop at Walmart) can't get any more ridiculously absurd they just double down. Yes, I'm a Texan and my family has been here since the mid-1800s. I don't know what happened to this once great state. It started when Perry got elected but this current crop in charge are just a bunch of gibbering idiots. Millions of us here are trying to change it back to some form of rationality.

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    1. Oops, I meant Bush. Perry just continued down the crazy road.

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    2. Actually, funny thing about that: the train cars full of shackles are real -- I see them all the time and maybe you do too. They're the extra-tall ones with perforated sides, and they're used for transporting vehicles.

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    3. One of my clients sidled up to me recently and urgently started whispering that Michelle Obama was being positioned to be the next president. I couldn't hide the skeptical look on my face fast enough so I went on to explain that Hillary has raised a lot more money and Michelle wouldn't have a chance. I felt bad to be sort of snowing him but not so bad as if I was honest and said, "No way would the Obama family put themselves through more abuse from the crazies."

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  48. I am a Texan. I did not hear anything about Jade Helm until I read about it on Facebook. I did not vote for Cruz or any of the other wing nuts. I am a progressive liberal. I know many people who share my views. Frankly I am embarrassed by my state, a state I love, a state that when I moved here in the early 90s had a female Democrat governor. Please don't assume that we are all right wing lunatics. We will change this state. Texas is a minority majority state . It will happen. I prefer to see this insanity as the death throes of the old boy white male fundamentalist religious political establishment. Please don't paint us with the same brush of craziness. Truly we are trying to change things and generalizations about Texas do not help.

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    1. +1 I had also posted an "I am a Texan" type comment, but I can't find it here now. I don't know any people here concerned about this nonsense, and suspect it is coming from the lunatic fringe that the press is eager to amplify. Most of my neighbors are U.S. soldiers (I live in Killeen), and none of them are secretly taking over their own country.

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    2. I am a native Texan and agree with you here 100%. I love much about this state. There are many good people here, and I grow weary of the broad strokes that paint us as being of one mind. At the same time, I don't blame people from other parts of the country for thinking that we're all stupid and/or crazy. This kind of idiocy from state officials is embarrassing and insulting to any one who has served in the armed forces. I keep telling myself that the Texas Republican party has moved so far to the right that they are going to self-destruct. However, an extreme fundamentalist thinking and worldview, particularly in the vast rural areas of the state, has been allowed to penetrate and pervade the entire state government. When Abbott was inaugurated, I told my friends in other parts of the state that he would make both Bush and Perry look sane, but I never imagined this level of lunacy. It defies explanation.

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    3. Anonymous, Wil, and Anonymous -- with you all the way. I am often dismayed by how our state is perceived by the wider world, and almost always severely disappointed by the elected "leaders" who contribute to that perception. Sigh. All I can do is do what I do -- try to speak rationally to my fellows, and vote for people who appear to not be infected by the general madness that is Texas Republican politics.
      Mr. Wright -- as usual, you do express yourself eloquently. I don't want to live in Crazyfuckistan, but right now, I'm pretty sure I do. I'm also w/Steve Millan upthread -- you sir, are equal in every way to Joe Bob Briggs, whose unique take on movies is something I sorely miss. Thank you for continuing to fight the good fight, sir.

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    4. Good luck to all of you. I've been to TX many times and could not take living there.

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  49. The Texas nutjobs should take a look at the demographics of our military before coming up with these wacko ideas. The military folks tend to be a bit further to the right than the average civilian, and won't cotton to the idea of any sort of "martial law" or takeovers of any states; even the blue ones. Of course this is where they roll out the "black helicopter" stories and decide it must be UN troops who are gonna do the dirty deed. Never mind that the peacekeeping forces don't have enough helicopters of any hue to invade a decent-sized town, let alone a big city or entire state. That's the beauty of paranoia. It enables you to ignore logic and reason, focusing on the idea that you're so important in the universe that entire countries are spending all their time and resources to take you down. What it looks like we need to do is build a strong wall all the way around Texas, being sure to pad the inside of it so they won't hurt themselves when they run headlong into it.

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  50. Thanks for saying it like it is Jim. But I wish you would quit holding back and being so shy.

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  51. I mean, I'm happily married, and all...but I love this guy. Any blogger that uses "sidle" AND correctly de-apostrophizes "its" in his banner is already standing heads-and-shoulders above the Jade Helm Loonies.

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  52. What I find to be so incredibly funny is that President Obama has like a 15% thumbs up rating from the troops... AS IF they'd follow him into a real occupation of the country? Because you know that's what these folk are afraid of.

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  53. I'm shocked that "Crystal" actually spelled "martial law" correctly. Most of the time they spell it "Marshall law". Maybe there's some hope for this one... Naw, couldn't be....

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  54. It has gotten very hard to live down here in Texas but I have no choice. There are a couple of bright spots that help keep us going. One is The Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, run by Juanita Jean herownself. The other is the erstwhile "car guy", Ed Wallace. Ed has a manually aggregated news site called Inside Automotive and he does a LONG radio program/talk show every Saturday morning that contains segments like The Back Side of American History and Second Hand News. In the latter segment this week he lambasted the current political environment down here better than anything I've seen outside of the Daily Show, rolling out the idiocy you describe along with voter ID, an "arm yourselves tax free" weekend and "make it illegal to sue insurance companies that don't pay up" laws the legismonkeys have in the works.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a little better now. :)

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    1. Sounds like a great program. What station? I'm in the very red part of DFW and needs moments of sanity around me.

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  55. I am truly sorry ... when i was registering my reaction at the end of the article , i was going to click on " You are my god " , but then i saw the squirrel option , and , well , squirrels are cute and funny ... not that you are not , mind you ...

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  56. I used to love my state!!! Now I'm so f***g fed up with the idiots that run Texas, I just want to scream!! These Republican idiots have ruined my once beautiful home and have made the rest of the country think we're all a bunch of paranoid looneytunes! Please someone, save us from these nut jobs!!! I want MY TEXAS back!!

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    1. It's okay hon. Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Arkansas are still leading the pack.

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  57. I'm holding you responsible for the electrical short in my computer caused by spewing coffee... Very well done!

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  58. Thank you! Thank you so much for articulating so ravenously exactly how I feel about the paranoid lunacy that is nipping at our countries heels.

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  59. Great piece. I shared it with some of my friends who recently retired from the service, and I'm pretty sure you have some new readers now.

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  60. Once again, Jim perfectly points out the obvious to the oblivious.

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  61. I can't even with the people commenting on a few typos. LOL Jesus. From a Canuck, to you, sir - this is ab-so-fucking-brilliant!! We are seriously freaked up here when reading about the apparent insanity that is America these days. Ninety percent of my family are American. My mom's American. My uncle was a decorated Marine Corps colonel. So, I'm not some head-in-the-sand judge'y type. But, but, but...it actually feels like people have lost their ever-loving minds. How wonderful to read this, and know there are folks like you out there. Keep writing. Please. :)

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  62. Texan here......Mr. Wright.... I don't know how coherent this comment will be. This, right here, " Sure, just for the sake of argument, let’s say Obama really is planning on herding Texans into FEMA death camps disguised as Wal-Marts.

    Why would he need the army?

    Think about it. Why would you need some secret plot to get Texans into a Wal-Mart?

    Announce a Veterans Day sale with 50% off all ammunition, Duck Dynasty camouflage, and frozen chicken nuggets, unlock the doors, and step the hell out of the way before you get trampled"....... is where I spit out my coffee all over my computer key board.

    Even for Texas .... this is a little over the top. .... Then again, maybe not.

    All those paragraphs you start with "Do You Think?"

    Actually.... NO. THEY. DON'T.

    That's not really a reason...and it's the only excuse I can come up with for a sitting Governor, and a U.S. Senator to actually feed this much paranoia. They basically are throwing "red meat" to their base.

    My folks moved us all here in the 1940's. I'm too old, and have too much family here to think about moving.

    To try to maintain some semblance of sanity, I read your wise words, often as I can.
    Thanks again.

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  63. Paranoia or not, trusting government is risky business.

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    1. Not so risky as trusting Greg Abbott and Ted Cruz.

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  64. It pains me to admit that my country can produce people like Ted Cruz .... but now that he's down there, I apologize once again on behalf of Canada, while saying say that you can keep him. PLEASE.

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  65. It never ceases to amaze me that the state where I was born and was led by Ann Richards, sent Barbara Jordan to the Senate, and provided the world with Molly Ivins, has deteriorated to this level. I truly feel for those fellow Texans who do not believe this insanity and are not a part of it.

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  66. this is the blowback from the GOP/far right media deliberately pumping their supporters up like meth-fueled paranois monkeys, terrified of their own shadows. yes, they have instilled the fear that they need to assure voting and compliance (and fleeced them a few times too via the media - got to make a buck) but now, too far too fast insane levels of paranoia.

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  67. "...that brave Canadian cartoon hero, Dudley Cruz."

    Hey, leave Canada out of this. We threw him back. Indeed, we lobbed him all the way down to Texas!

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    1. Too bad you missed the Gulf of Mexico.

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  68. Somebody had to say it. Well done Jim, sane Americans thank you.

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  69. Marc wins the Interwebz for today thanks to the reference to The Leather Goddesses of Phobos.
    Back on subject, another great screed. I've gotten so I don't pay any attention to the droolers because it's bad for my physical and mental health.
    Not Anon., this is Bonefish who can't comment using my nom de webz.

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  70. I saw an NPR post about this before I saw your link on FB. I suspected you might write about this complete batshit craziness because - Texas, inbred republicanism, and more than the usual OOK! Obama is out to get us insanity from extreme paranoid "patriots" who see conspiracy in their morning cereal.

    Once again, you aim at the heart of the matter with the phrase "What they are doing is nothing more than jerking off to conspiracy porn." Conspiracy porn indeed. Cruz is their pin-up guy. EWW. Sorry for planting THAT visual in anyone's head. Cruz as conspiracy porn star - film at 11.

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  71. There are many states that would welcome the presence of all of the military installations that are now located in Texas. I am sure the economic ramifications would be overwhelming. Please move these out of the State of Texas and place them in the United States. Can you imagine the screaming then?

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    1. "There are many states that would welcome the presence of all of the military installations that are now located in Texas. I am sure the economic ramifications would be overwhelming. Please move these out of the State of Texas and place them in the United States. Can you imagine the screaming then?"

      Yes. I could easily imagine the screaming. From progressives.

      Because Texas could then pursue its own policy vis-a-vis immigration (including deporting all of the progressives currently in Austin to Damnyankeeland), its own economic policy, and its own military policy, they could deport all illegal aliens into the United States, they could build a pretty decent military all by their lonesome, and absent the Texas contribution to economic growth, the United States goes back into recession--assuming that it ever really came out of it.

      And Louisiana might decide to join Texas--if Texas' economic and energy policies would be more beneficial than Washington's (and they probably would be). If that happens, the entire Midwest will need to make a decision. Do they hook their fate to your progressive policies? Note that (a) the flag follows trade, and (b) your policies vis-a-vis energy usage mean, ultimately, that North American trade stops on either side of the North American Cordillera (BTW, this is one issue that prgressives refuse to understand, let alone address; you'll end up with secessionist tendencies on the Pacific coast, and then you have dueling progressivisms, a la the Sino-Soviet split).

      So, essentially, the question becomes: will the Upper Midwest chain themselves to the Northeast Corridor's (declining) economic prospects?

      Why ask this? Because of New Orleans. (Remember that Thomas Jefferson didn't plan to buy all of the Louisiana Territory, just New Orleans.) Whoever owns New Orleans owns the riverine trade of the entire Mississippi watershed. Either the Midwest accepts whatever terms get proposed from Texas and Louisiana (and they might very well do so if those terms are sufficiently beneficial), or they have to manage their trade over the Appalachians and (possibly) the St. Lawrence Seaway (which, in turn, has its own technical and political issues).

      Progressives call the Midwest "Flyover Country" today. What happens when the Midwest starts charging "airspace transit fees" to "foreign airlines," and they're able to enforce said transit fees with their own air force? The howls of outrage from "progressives" (who are generally generous with other peoples' money and very stingy with their own) will demand a military resolution to the crisis that progressives made.

      What happens when the entire Midwestern swath of the United States decides to cease paying tribute to Washington, DC? What happens when Powder River coal trains and fracked natural gas no longer arrive to feed powerplants in the Northeast corridor, but instead divert to Gulf ports? (Washington, DC is an absolute hellhole without air conditioning--it's in a malarial swamp.)

      Those military bases serve an incredibly important purpose: they keep the United States united. If you think that secessionism is going to be peaceful, you don't understand your foes--and you really don't understand your allies.

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    2. so much wrong with the above, I cannot even begin...

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    3. Greg - ETC(SW) USN - RetiredMay 3, 2015 at 12:37 PM

      WOW!! Just WOW!! There's a whole lotta crazy assumption fantasy going on there.

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    4. Please explain how we're immune to basic geopolitics just because "We're 'Murrica," especially if you're trying to play intramural geopolitics to muscle people who don't like you into obeying your will...

      Once you start trying to use political muscle in a geographic context, you're playing geopolitics. If you're trying to play geopolitics without understanding things like transportation networks, how those networks arise, the impact of different transportation networks on trade, and the impact of trade on politics, you're not going to accomplish your intended goals.

      As much as you razz the right for believing that America is exceptional, you folks have an utterly unexamined cargo-cultist belief in one element of American exceptionalism: that the 20th and 21st centuries can't POSSIBLY happen here, even if you're engaging in the sort of behaviors that created the 20th and 21st centuries...

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    5. "... that the 20th and 21st centuries can't POSSIBLY happen here, even if you're engaging in the sort of behaviors that created the 20th and 21st centuries..."

      I'll bet that bit sounded really good in your head.

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    6. Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

      People like me--the ones who do remember the past--well, we're doomed to shout, "BOHICA!"

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    7. Uh huh. You're sure shouting something all right.

      And you can go shout it elsewhere now. Your comments were good for a few laughs, but you're done now. Go away back to your bunker and rub some Glenn Beck on that rash.

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  72. Once upon a time, I moved to Texas for a job. I wondered why as soon as I crossed the border they issued me a handbasket and everything started sliding downhill. I was frequently baffled by the levels of dysfunction I encountered. I lasted less than a year, before running, as fast as my pickup truck would carry me back to the sanity of New Jersey. I tell people I left because I could never become a citizen of Texas. I couldn't flunk the IQ test. It seems to have gotten much worse since I left. My apologies to the intelligent and sensible folks from there and good luck.

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  73. The Pentagon needs to close every military base in Texas NOW!!!! Yep that's right close them down, pack them up and ship the F$CK out! Then sane Americans can sit back and watch the Texas economy crash and burn to smoldering ash!

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  74. Aw, and I was beginning to hope the story was true. Invade Texas, take their guns. I'm all for it. :)

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  75. Very awesome rant, I was in stitches AND disturbed at the same time. Disturbed because I can foresee Alaska turning that way also. Keep up the good work.

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  76. I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the hundreds of thousands of Chinese UN troops that Clinton secretly had moved into somewhere in New Mexico in preparation for subduing patriotical Americans so that the New World Order could take charge.

    If we have people who are capable of these operational and logistic feats, we really need them to come out of the shadows and run things for us.

    It was tough enough just to keep the phones working when I was in Viet-Nam back in 1970. I can only dimly imagine the level of perfection these operations will have attained.

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    1. You'll find out shortly after Hillary takes office.

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  77. As a Texan, trying to remain sane and Liberal (yes, one can be both), Jim Wright, I love this posting!!! Not every Texan is paranoid. Not every Texan is is a nut job. But by God, we do seem to be proud of those who are both paranoid and nut jobs. Please don't confuse the Texans you see in the media with those of us who just try to live quiet lives of dignity. ALSO, we Texans ARE suffering now. We might have lost BlueBell ice cream forever. Pray for us.

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  78. Another great piece Jim. You should also include Rand Paul, another U.S. Senator and Presidential candidate stating that he is concerned and going to look into Jade Helm.

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  79. I am SO ashamed of the fact that these people are Americans, and they can and do vote. In a way I wish this insanity would lead the evening national news because I don't think a lot of people realize how crazy is has become in parts of our country.

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  80. Also, the passing reference to the Gov's personal army refers to the Texas State Guard, an exceedingly peculiar military organization essentially under the complete control of the Governor.

    A few years back when I wasn't quite so elderly, I was actively recruited, as they needed Signal types. The prospect of becoming the world's oldest serving E-5 moderated my enthusiasm.

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  81. Wow! What a way with words. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Unfortunately, our Governor and Lege want to emulate Texas. I'm sick of all of them!

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  82. Crazy or stupid?
    Ted Cruz is not stupid. As in he has the mental horsepower. Cruz graduated cum laude from Princeton University. He was a champion debater. Not stupid
    But crazy and stupid are two entirely different things
    So knowing he has is not stupid,we are left with crazy. The question is what kind of crazy is he. Is it the conspiracy believing paranoid?
    Or, as seems most likely ,the psychopath who sees himself as a predator amongst prey?
    I really think Cruz has a lust for power (as do nearly all in politics) that in his case is coupled with a lack of empathy or conscience. He will use anyone and any advantage to attain power. I don't think he gives a rats one way or another on this issue. If pandering gives him political power he will do it. For Ted there is no downside.
    And again, he's smart.
    That is one scarey son-of-a-bitch

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    1. I keep hearing how smart this guy is. How his professors all expected him to wind up on the Supreme Court.

      So far, I've seen him blow himself up three times in the US Senate and talk about God a lot.

      This adds a third option to your two: He thinks we're stupid. He thinks we're all so stupid that if he just talks like a Baptist preacher and plays up the dumbest stories he can find, we'll all get in line.

      And some of us are!

      Hopefully, it just won't be enough of us.

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  83. This is a brilliant plan by the owners of the Sweet Pine Mine in Colorado. They are promoting the Jade Helm story. They've been desperate to get the Oath Keepers to leave their property. They are hoping that the rumors of FEMA death camps (and Walmart discounts and special sales) will cause the Oath Keepers to leave Colorado en masse and head to Texas. Good for Colorado, bad for Texas. Well, at least for those few people in Texas who are still sane.

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    1. I think the Sweet Pine Mine is in Oregon. Leastways, that's what our state paper said. But, then, that was the Paper That Took Down A Popular Governor Who Was Fighting Against Coal Trains And Coal Barges On The Columbia River Because That Paper Appeared To Be In Bed With The Coal Lobby. (My headlines could be shorter, amirite?)

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  84. Is it just me, or is my gut right in telling me that it is only a matter of when, not if, these nutbars begin to either lash out violently or slip into psychoses so deep that it leaves them in a corner in a self-defecating, drooling heap?

    BTW, I'm from the other side of the pond. We have people here that freak out like the ones freaking out over Jade Helm '15. Outfits with names such as Nordiska Motståndsrörelsen (Nordic Resistance Movement), who have been in the press lately for stuff like planning some sort of attack against one of the major newspapers, as well as taping off the offices of any publication which dares investigate them.
    I'm torn between being curious as to what they may come up with next, and fearing what they will come up with next.
    Jim, I think you're overly optimistic with thinking some isolated nutbars will take shots at the troops, there is potential for much worse :(

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  85. Out fucking standing.

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  86. The only way to shut up a Conspiracy Theorist is to throw a $20 bill on the table and dare him to bet that whatever he's ranting about happens.

    They never take the bet.

    But it only shuts them up for a while, because they positively enjoy being afraid.

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  87. "Secretary Carter, Senator Tin Foil is on line 2 again. He wants to know when Obama's Commie invasion of Texas is scheduled to begin."

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  88. Interesting that this paranoia is striking just as the TPP is being fast-tracked...yes? Distraction paranoia.

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  89. Some people just love being scared to death by watching horror films. Then there are those who love to imagine they are living in a horror film. Either way, it is FICTION, people. Choosing to embrace and belief crazy stuff, does not make crazy stuff really, literally true.

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  90. Just peering at Texas from my bunker in Austin wondering if I should get a gun of my own...

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  91. I recently turned 65. I guess I am still naive. I truelly thought this knuckle dragging lunacy would have long ago have run its course.
    There are people holding public office, who I would not have allowed to babysit my kids.
    Apparently Orwell knew his stuff. I've watch folks, who at one time, I thought were rational types, buy into this insanity. College types, buy into Rush and the like.
    When I mustered out in 71, I burned the candle on both ends for a stretch. Even with things the way they were then and what I was doing, I don't believe I entered toontown like these folks.
    This country needs to come up for air.

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  92. Have always enjoyed reading your good stuff. Definitely Squirrel. Keep up the good work!

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  93. Love this piece, but I take issue with one of your statements: "The entire state has gone bonkers." I promise you, the entire state has not gone fucking nuts. There are many of us here who are rational thinkers - actual thinkers! - who don't for a second believe this bullshit. I understand that Greg Abbott and Ted Cruz aren't doing us any favors, but really, there are some of us who are normal and as appalled as you are by this latest craziness.

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    1. Kelly, absolutely true. Many, many Texans, including a lot of conservatives, are absolutely flummoxed by the insanity. Especially since the last I read, there were going to be a grand total of 60 military, two Humvees, and a helicopter in Bastrop County? Oy.

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  94. I am in texas.

    I always accuse conservatives of maybe not using critical thinking skills, esepcially when it comes to, say, Obama being a gay illegal alien communist Muslim.

    So when I read the headline that Greg Abbott was taking cues from Alex Jones, I thought, "Well, i smell a rat. This is clearly not true! I am going to need a few more verifications before I cite this as fact."

    Man, I wish my source had been wrong.

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  95. I too am a Texan, born here and live here now. I love this article, it made me chuckle. I also let out a huge sigh, like I always do when someone criticizes the whole damn population when they hear about one of our crazy politicians. I know the argument, "well, you voted them in, so..." but I didn't vote any of these buffoons in. I can find equally insane examples of political nuts in pretty much every state, including Alaska. We had the lowest voter turnout of any state. A measly 28% of our voting population actually voted. I'd hardly call that an indication that the state of Texas supports these morons. I've said this many times, and I'll say it again; we don't have a tea party problem, we have a voting problem. Yes, it's embarrassing, and so are Cruz, Abbott, and those other guys, but give us a break.

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  96. Abbott's statement is like falsely shouting "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. It could create our own Oklahoma city domestic terrorist attack.. Details: http://texasviking.blogspot.com/2015/05/gov-abbott-just-created-potential.html

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  97. As A Veteran, I Fully recall Invading North Carolina, Texas Twice, Alaska And Arizona...Boy, We Had Them By The Balls Thanks To President Nixon! He Really KNEW How to Invade The United States, And All This was AFTER I served In Vietnam...The U.S. was MUCH Closer and Easier to Invade! (God, I Hate Stupid People)

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  98. I was having lunch with Obama in a secret tunnel under the Lubbock Wal-Mart the other day, when he turns to me and asks, "Does this keffiyeh make me look fat?"

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    1. Hey! I was there, too. Four tables down, sitting with Elvis and Otis Redding. We waved at you guys.

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  99. Back in the dark months after 9/11, there was the anthrax attack which brought fear to every mailbox. The White House Press Secretary was telling people "Watch what you say, watch what you do....." The PATRIOT Act was passed.

    There was much talk and fear in Left Blogsylvania of Bush (Cheney's true evil hadn't really shown itself much.) rounding up dissidents into FEMA internment camps.

    There were even pictures of barbed-wire topped fences in the desert somewhere and assorted barracks in unknown locations. A friend of Uncle John's neighbor's mechanic knows where they are.

    With the way Bush took office and the whole "you're with us or against us" fever, it did not seem totally unlikely. Various other Martial Law scenarios were kicked around too. I certainly didn't expect Bush to follow the law.

    Then we were sold a war in Iraq and anyone who disagreed was a traitor. The rumors bubbled up again. I guess the closest we got was those disgusting pens in NYC at the 2004 RNC.

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  100. I think much the same but, can not put it nearly as well. Keep it up. Hopefully it will do some good. I live, but was not born in Texas. I have Texas friends that are both liberal and conservative. I have noticed that for every liberal there are at least 5 conservatives. I wonder what the ratio is nation wide?

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  101. Firstly Jim, thank you, thank you for the best belly laugh I had to end the week of watching the nation's latest media lunacy. Reading your blog has replaced Saturday/Sunday morning comics/cartoons. Sadly, I am on my 3rd keyboard since starting to read your blog - the other 2, may they rest in peace, became victims due to coffee death.

    I was sadly reminded of a trip I took a few years back with my younger sibling who is a OTR truck driver. Our father had passed away and as my sibling offered to stop and pick me up on the trip home. He had a scheduled unload stop, trip home was projected to be at least 3 days. No biggie.

    Day 1. gentle rock on the radio, quiet introspective thoughts. My 'job' in a crisis was to first, Worry about/take care of mother and second, the well-being/safety of younger siblings. One would 'think' that would be easily done.

    Day 2-3. CB radio. NOT prepared for the "Rush Limbaugh", "Alex Jones" insanity. Loud, angry, crazy, conspiracy nut voices from ALL walks of life - internet WITH stereo surround sound blasting vocals!

    You want to get in touch with America go on a road trip with a OTR trucker. The crazy in EVERY truck/rest stop across this nation. There's still 'sane' people - You know them when you see them - sitting off to the side, shaking their heads, pained embarrassed expressions.

    NOT prepared for my sibling has become one of the crazy people. This person, who came from the same womb, screaming Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde in full spectral living LSD type color. ARGHHHH let me ou, take me back to the drugs in the 70's, where's the lye soap, get me a transfusion, call me an Exorcist crazy!!

    When we arrived at the homestead, mother made what I consider the BIGGEST mistake. Looked me straight in the eye, spoke those 4 crazy words that she should have NEVER uttered.

    "How was the trip?"

    I, mentally, physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually spent replied -
    "Little brother's upset that I wouldn't agree to stop at Graceland on the way home."

    Smiled and walked away thinking "Bro, your on your own!"

    Some days it's just not worth the response to the "Texas" craziness

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  102. Quick question. What is the target audience for this article? Crazies who believe this conspiracy nonsense? Good luck trying to convince them. People who shake their heads at crazies who believe conspiracy theories? Why bother, they already agree with what you are saying.

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    1. I'm a writer. I write. Today, I felt like writing about Jade Helm.

      Delete
  103. Sounds just like another government official trying to talk us in believing his crap !! I just hope he's first in line to get crammed in one of those death camps !!

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    1. Sounds just like another government official...

      Try to imagine what you sound like. Well, if one could hear you over the crinkling of tinfoil, I mean.

      Delete
    2. The author lures you into this article with the obvious 'Texas lunatic republicans...' but be careful about the rest of what they have to say. Dissemination of black op info is upon us in a huge way - one only need to listen to the 911 committee who are now telling us how the government lied to them. Research about every topic and be CRITICAL THINKERS, not parrots of any one else. Draw your own conclusions. There is enough evidence to suggest the planned collapse of the dollar is near, which means what? chaos, which means what? regaining order, how? martial law. and then what? research to find out the answers. all it takes is a curious mind. were any of you alive when Kennedy was assassinated? we knew we had to wait a long 50 years before the secret files could be unsealed- that was last year. Was not one of you curious why there was no huge build up to the unsealing of those documents? I certainly was stunned that there was no news coverage. I watched a documentary on netflix called Dark Legacy and then it made sense to me. All I'm saying is research. Research why many of the wealthiest people, even many who are considered to be good people, have said the world's population needs to be decreased by 6 billion people in the next 10 years. Research and think about the only way that can be accomplished and martial law and its aftermath won't seem so far fetch. Don't let fear keep you from knowledge. Enough said.

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    3. Enough said

      That part, we agree on.

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    4. The problem is the illuminati don't let us in on their plans. We can only surmise them by looking at the financial markets and the actions of the government. Any rational analysis would show that gold and silver prices are being capped to hide the trillions of dollars being printed to try to jumpstart the economy since 2008, which hasn't worked. Based on the known mining and consumotion rates, China and India have now bought all of America's historical gold reserves on the cheap and will likely back their currencies with gold early next year when China applies for membership into the SDR. How exactly this will unfold, who knows, but the dollar will crash.

      It seems the number of reverse repos the Fed has been bailing out over the last few months is off the charts. This is probably from derivatives blowing up with the rise in the dollar and crash in oil price. Some Too Big to Jail entity is now on the hook for trillions and to keep the system from crashing, the Fed is printing up trillions more. A good site I like is Investment Research Dynamics, you should listen to this interview with John Embry with an open mind.

      http://investmentresearchdynamics.com/sot-ep-19-john-embry-getting-closer-to-an-upside-silver-explosion/

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    5. The tinfoil is strong with this one.

      Delete
  104. Thank you for putting all my thoughts down so well (and many more I hadn't gotten to!). The only thing I don't agree with is painting all Texans with the Crazy Cruz/Abbott brush. I've never voted for either of them. I'm right in the midst of all of this lunacy and don't understand how people that live by an Army base can't comprehend maneuvers.

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  105. Forget doubling up on your medication -- swallow the whole bottle and die of a fatal overdose so that you do the whole world a favor in passing you worthless moron!

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  106. Texas began the long slide to this point in the late 1970's and early 1980's when the ultra looney division of the southern baptist convention went to war with the mainstream members over whether the bible was an historic reference for christians or as they refered to it as an inerrant factual account literally inspired by the hand of god and that every word was placed in the bible by him,it must be obeyed to the letter and never argued or debated. At the time they were mostly dismissed but as history has and will show their dogged determination and single focused fanatical march to shove their doctrine down everyone's throat has led to this slow decay in the political and social fabric not only in texas but nationwide. I still do not think most of the nation takes them seriously and won't till the whole damn thing collapse's in on itself. Pick this apart and sneer at it if you will,I am not an educated person,just a average schmuck born and raised in central texas and have watched the progression of this over the years,the times I have raised the issue have always been met with either"what are you,some kind or godless communist basterd" or "get serious,no one would ever vote for something like that'. I'm not,we have,now what?

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  107. Jim, you let your epic brilliance out of the bag again. You may have a hard time outshining this one, although - with the state of Texas creating oodles of fodder - then again, you may not.

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  108. Jim, you may have let your brilliance out of the bag. You're going to have trouble topping this one but, then again - with the oodles of fodder coming out of the State of Texas lately - you may not.

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  109. Crystal Taggart doesn't even live in the United States, let alone Texas, she lives in Scotland on the Highland Plains in Thurso. Gibbering Lunatic.

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    1. Scotland on the Highland Plains in Thurso, that's a suburb of Dallas, right?

      Delete
  110. Tell it like it is, brother. There are people who do not take Fox seriously.

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  111. I really liked that post. Thanks. Ted Cruz-Canadian Export? Thank GOD, he chose NEVER to run here in Canada-We have him, right now, as PM. Well, not really but close . . . Thanks, for taking him in, on our behalf. :) Great writing. Cheers.

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  112. This nutty conspiratorial nonsense on both sides of the political spectrum and with charlatans pushing often dangerous self interests is a manifestation of the idiotic underside of American society. Unfortunately they get more attention these days due to the proliferation of internet based tools that gives everyone a voice. We all need to start speaking out against these morons vociferously. As far as I'm concerned, Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul have totally discredited themselves over this. Hopefully sane Texans can take their state back from the inmate asylum.

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  113. As far as the entire state of Texas going bonkers, I'd just like to add that when the Dallas Morning News ran the letter from Todd Smith, a former GOP state senator who excoriated Governor Abbott for this paranoid nonsense, the comments in the reader thread attached to the article condemned the governor by about a 5-to-1 ratio. The comments were almost entirely from in-state readers (they referred to Abbott as "my governor" or similar rhetoric that made it clear they were not out-of-state critics). I was heartened to see so many Texans angered by this bizarre behavior.

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    1. Hyperbole, Anonymous, it was hyperbole not an attack on you personally.

      Hyperbole, like the part about tranquilizer darts and butterscotch pudding - you understand that part was a joke, right? Hyperbole. It's a humor technique used all over the world and dates back to the time of Aristotle.

      Of course, it's even funnier when you have to explain it.

      Delete
  114. Ted Cruz proves once again that the sanest man in Texas is Willie Nelson. It's a pity he ain't political because he would make a better governor or senator than these morons.

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  115. Dude you are in for a rude awakening. It seems you have no idea what's coming to the financial system. There is definitely a reason to implement martial law, and that will come when the dollar crashes, probably later this year, maybe next. The US is supplied via its trade deficit. When the dollar crashes the trade deficit will end. There will be a LOT of very angry Americans when they can no longer consume cheap stuff, or any stuff, anymore. It was a conspiracy foiled upon Americans by the Wall Street elite over the last 20 years or so. They are training because they need to do riot control and also "disappear" any of the truth squeelers who would otherwise educate people about what's happening.

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    1. You, uh, got the inside scoop on the future from the Illuminati via your tinfoil hat, did you there, Mark?

      Ask them where I left my car keys, would you?

      Delete
    2. This is a fine example of being so far to the left or the right and you're no longer in the ballpark. All of you are tailgating in the parking lot. Just wow.

      Delete
    3. Be more specific, Stephany.

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  116. It was noted just before the Civil War that South Carolina was too small to be a country and too big to be an asylum. Texas is just carrying on the time-honored tradition of southern lunacy.

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  117. One of my most conservative friends worked in Texas for a while. He told me that when he left the state for the last time, just beyond the state line he pulled his car off onto the shoulder, got out, and slapped the dust off his shoes. One thing we definitely agree about is Texas crazy.

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  118. Not everyone in Texas, Jim. Have, from the get-go, considered Cruz the NIC (Narcissist in Chief). Not a word emanates from his mouth without him considering how it benefits his standing amongst the believers. I listened to him debate the Democratic challenger for the senate, a good, highly qualified man, and left wondering how anyone could vote for such a cheap shot artist. Well, the results are history. I have no explanation why so many of my fellow citizens are so deluded and irrational. But, there are plenty go good folks here. We just don't seem able to get our message across.

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  119. Bless you, and I don't say that lightly. In fact, I almost never say it unless I am being sarcastic. This is an exception. I have been wandering around muttering for days about this whackaloonery. How these people have lived in the US of A for so long without realizing that the military does field exercises ALL THE TIME is beyond me. Heck I knew about them when I was in gradeschool because I grew up in Squarebanks which, as you likely know, is right on top of Ft. Wainwright and the closest thing to civilization to Eielson. Frankly, payday weekends were more worrisome than the various joint field exercises to show people how not to freeze to death in the cold.

    These people lack all ability for critical thought. Goodness, if we are going to have a military it is kind of important that they know what the heck they are doing. Safer for everyone that way. And anyone with two braincells should be able to figure it out why they are doing this one where they are. Given the part of the world that is the most volatile right now. But nooooo. I swear the entire state of Texas only has two braincells betwixt the lot of them and one of those has the bird flu.

    At any rate, thanks for ranting the rant I would have ranted if I had the time.

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  120. I have a friend who lives in Texas. He is on the Paralympic Table Tennis Team and has a (long) shot to make Rio next year. He owns a ranch. A couple years ago, at a tournament in Germany, he got into it with an Irish competitor over President Obama. I had to pull him aside and tell him, "we're here to have fun, make friends and play Table Tennis, not argue about politics." So, the next day, we have a team event against Brazil and here he is giving our Brazilian opponent a Texas pin and telling him "we're going to become a country again." Right in front of me. I just shook my head. After he left to go to the bathroom before the match started, I told the guy, Texas isn't going anywhere. He said "I know."

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  121. And to think that Texans used to think and act like they were a state filled with rough tough as nails men. You know the kind that don't take crap from anyone yet open a door for the ladies. Seems as though they have become more like simpering cowards afraid of every shadow they see. It's a wonder that the number one selling item in Walmart stores in Texas isn't bedsheets.

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  122. All of the conspiracy nut jobs and Ted Cruz are strangely silent when a government really does roll in into Ferguson, MO, and Baltimore, MD with armored vehicles. Hmmmm. I wonder what the difference could be?

    For 7 years we have heard old white men in funny hats screech about taking up arms if necessary against the government and water the tree of liberty with blood, but when people with dark skin actually stand up to injustice of a government, they are no where to be found.

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  123. Thanks, Jim, for the bluntness. I wish everyone in the non-insane media would take lessons from you.

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  124. Yes, your comments tend to make me want to put you in the Liberal Democrat pigeon hole and yes, I'm really glad you are not counted among the citizens of the great State of Texas.

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  125. Ted Cruz has always been what I term a "smart" loon. He understands where his bread is buttered. He needs the attention that being a US Senator gives him. He LOVES being in control so his benefactors get what they want - the belief government is evil. Government, under our constitution, is not evil. It's evil when idiots take it over and pretend that they are somehow saving us from evil. What they are doing is handing us over to oligarchy. The rich have never had it so good. They can give all the money they want to their hand picked candidates, they pay less and less in taxes, their corporations are able to do wrong and not worry about fines or lawsuits.

    This is all part of a plan to scare idiots into voting AGAINST their own self interest. When I hear a booger eater tell me that voting for cons is voting for liberty and freedom, I laugh. Liberty? I have that and it's not going away no matter who is in charge (unless we keep voting for these whack-a-doodles, it could because corporations are people my friend!) and freedom? Freedom?? Freedom for whom? I love when a booger eater tells me that the rich shouldn't pay their fair share in taxes! Huh? So basically they earned it? Nah. I tell them to go read about Fred Koch and how he earned his money. He earned his money the easy way - he built stuff for Stalin.

    Guys like the Kochs will pollute and destroy while we all whine about our "gun rights" and those evil gay marriages. They will put people in power who will appoint judges who will throw out legit lawsuits by average people and trash laws that protect people at their jobs.

    THAT is what these buffoons should be worried about. Nope. They are too f---in dumb to understand that freedom is not the allowing of rich people to control the vote, government and how we live our lives. Guess I will never understand why this country gets dumber by the day.

    Guess it's progressives like me who feel that it's pointless to even try anymore.

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    Replies
    1. I also want to ask, whenever you hear these idiots whine about freedom and liberty, somehow the EPA winds up in there.

      The EPA was founded by Richard Nixon. Tricky Dick to those of us who find it all ironic.

      The EPA, if properly funded and implemented ensure I can drink clean water and breathe in clean air. When I hear a loon on the right talk about the EPA I laugh my butt off. What is wrong with clean air? Water?? Oh yes, Rand Paul will tell me the market will dictate. Yep, when I breathe in carcinogens and drink oil tainted water, how will the market decide RAND? When it's tainted, it could take a LIFETIME OR MORE to fix.

      People need to wake up. Dirty environment will kill your kids. Do they matter to you? Nope I guess not, because y'all are too self centered to think about them when you go to the ballot box and mark that ballot for anybody with an (R) next to their name (and I can say some Ds as well - but not as many as the supposed right leaning centrists will sell on talk shows).

      Delete

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