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Monday, October 7, 2013

Wright Answers The Mail, Accidentally Unleashes Toothy Reptiles

Some of you asked about my hate mail.

Specifically the stuff in response to the previous post.

That post, Deadlock, hit big.

It’s still hitting big.

I don’t know that it’s viral per se, but it’s big. Like more than 200,000 page views in the last 36 hours big. Like shared 20,000 times or more on Facebook. Like the size of Newt Gingrich’s ego big. Like the size of Michele Bachmann’s insanity big. Okay, maybe not quite that big, but big. That’s what I’m saying here.

So, of course, there’s going to be hate mail.  Because there’s always hate mail when I write something that goes viral. Hell, there’d be hate mail if I wrote about cotton candy and bacon (and how Obama is trying to outlaw both! Socialism! Nazis! They’ll take my bacon when they pry it from my hot sticky hand! Ur, um, but I digress).

So anyway, hate mail.

A lot of hate mail.

Now, you know me, I recycle. I’m not just going to throw the hate away after it’s done warmed my flinty black heart, it’s still good for lining the catbox or for compost. And I know how much you love my hate mail. And because I love you, each in your own special way, I was going to do my usual thing and pull out selected bits and snark on each one individually for your entertainment. Because I know that makes you smile and dream happy dreams of peace and bacon flavored brotherhood and Canadian style universal healthcare.

Because, as I said, there’s a lot of hate mail.

But the problem is that there’s really not much variety this time around.

I’ve got quantity but not much quality.

Frankly, I look at the volume of messages clogging my inbox like so many undigested jelly donuts in Rush Limbaugh’s large intestine, and I think the least the nuts could do is maybe put a bit more effort and creativity into their insanity, that’s what I’m saying.

After the first couple dozen or so messages, the frothy yellow bilious hate becomes a bit redundant and it all just sort of runs together.

Listen, about the two hundredth time you get damned straight to bible hell, you just sort of nod and say to yourself, well, you know it’s got to be better than this bilge. At least Lucifer knows how to spell and, and yeah, he may be the evil dark lord of the underworld and all but, you know, he can structure a sentence in a grammatically correct fashion. Jesus should have spent a little less time on parables and maybe a bit more time teaching English 101, because seriously, Folks, crack open a copy of Strunk & White. Please.

So anyway, like I said, it all just starts to run together. Hell. Socialism. Jesus. Hate America. Rapture. God. Communists. States Rights. End Times. Ben Franklin. Obamacare. Federalist Papers. Gun Rights. Antichrist. Small Government. Thomas Jefferson. Bleat bleat, blurt blurt, ook ook.  Honestly, how many damned times can you read the word “Nazi” before you start thinking about rounding up all of these hysterical Tea Party chowderheads and herding them into FEMA death camps? No, really, hand over the tinfoil hat, Ben Franklin, and get in the sack, get in it right now.

And then I thought, hey, you know how when Hollywood is turning a big complicated story with lots of people in it into a movie?  Sometimes they take several similar bland secondary characters from the book and for brevity’s sake and budgetary reasons they just kind of mash them all together into a more interesting “composite” character?

Just so.

If you took all of the tediously similar hate mail that I’ve gotten from that last post on Stonekettle Station, and you pulled out the prevailing common themes, mushed all the commenters together into a sort of noxious hybrid of red-faced spittle-flecked yellow-eyed beer-bellied powdered-wig-wearing booger-eating flag-buggery, this is what you’d end up with:

(We shall henceforth refer to this composite character as “Corn,” as in Corndogus Walkuserectus. You may now conjure up the appropriate mental image, don’t forget the powdered wig).

Me: Welcome to Stonekettle Station, how may I help you?

Corn: I’m very upset. I want to lodge a complaint.

Me: Spiffy. Put on this official complaint suit and stand in the square labeled “DANGER! Keep Clear!”

Corn: Why does the complaint suit smell like ham loaf?

Me: No reason. One of our customer service representatives will be along momentarily.  You’ll recognize him by his toothy grin.

Corn: I read your stupid blog. It makes me, like, crazy angry. There’s a lot of stuff in there that I don’t like.

Me: What about the part with the Velociraptors?

Corn: I didn’t actually read it. It’s too long, and there are really big words.

Me: Like “velociraptor?”

Corn: Dinosaurs are a lie told by Satan to make Jesus soggy and hard to light.

Me: Fun fact, scientists have discovered that velociraptors love ham. Tasty delicious ham.

Corn: I will now tell you why you’re wrong.

Me: About the velociraptors?

Corn: About everything.

Me: You didn’t read the essay. Did you maybe read any of the three hundred comments?  Likely your criticisms have already been addressed.

Corn: I’m busy saving the country for Jesus, I don’t have the time to read that stuff!

Me: But you don’t mind wasting my time, is that about it?

Corn: My penetrating observations are totally new and different and all my own and not like the other ten dozen nuts who’ve already posted the same exact things word for word. I get my information directly from Alex Jones, not third hand like those other guys.

Me: Let me get a fresh beer.  And remember: Velociraptors are more scared of you than you are of them.  Back in a sec.

 

[… sometime later …]

 

Corn: Hello?

Me: Good Gravy! You’re still here? All in one piece too. Darn it. 

Corn: I will now refute your little essay by regurgitating a big hairball of Glenn Beck like a cat yakking up noxious orange goo onto your brown leather beanbag chair.

Me: I admire your ability to choke down both Little Friskies and conservative talk radio. I can understand the urge to vomit. However, I don’t, in point of fact, own a burnt orange leather couch, you’re thinking of John Boehner. 

Corn: Leathery … what?

Me: It’s your argument.

Corn: What about it?

Me: You’re drooling on yourself. There, just wipe, right at the corner … uh, never mind.  You were saying?

Corn: OK, I shall now mock your manhood by swiftboating your military service.

Me: Meh, it’s been done. And yet my manhood remains massively intact. See?

Corn: Well, your fans are all sycophants!

Me: Not all of them. Some of them are toadies, a few are henchmen, there are some hangers-on, and there’s one fop but he’s more of an admirer and not really what you could call a fan.

[edit: I somehow forgot to mention the Minions, Cronies, various and assorted Stormtroopers, Fangirls, Fanboys, Groupies, Lurkers, Skulkers, Berserkers, and some guy named Steve.  My most abject apologies, loyal followers]

Corn: Seriously?

Me: It’s a union thing.

Corn: What if I just call you a communist and claim you’re trampling my Freedom of Speech?

Me: Are you guys all reading off the same crib notes?

Corn: Read?

Me: Did you have an actual complaint?

Corn: You said that America is a democracy. Ha ha ha. You’re a big dummy.

Me: Ah, I see. 

Corn:  Dummy!

Me: I don’t suppose you’d buy that in common vernacular, one of the several accepted definitions of democracy is America’s form of republican governance? Kind of like “America” is a commonly accepted term for the United States, even though the US isn’t the only country in America.

Corn: THAT’S A LIE! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Me: Could you maybe act more like a cured meat product? Perhaps honey maple flavored? 

Corn: We’re a Republic!

Me: Okay. We’re a republic. Here, try wearing these pineapple rings.

Corn: Hah! It was a trick question! We’re a democratic republic!

Me: Demonic Publication. Got it. Look could you maybe wiggle around a bit? Velociraptors are attracted to motion.

Corn: You’re such an idiot. America is really a constitutional republic!

Me: Okay, we’re a constipated public. Maybe if you tried whistling… Here boy! Dinner time!

Corn: What a moron! We’re really a representative democracy!

Me: Damn it, I think those scientists are full of it. Try acting like a stegosaurus.

Corn: Obamacare is all tricks! Tricks and lies! Everybody hates it!

Me: That’s it! Big, dumb, and cold blooded! Keep doing that. 

Corn: Obama is an alien reptile in a rubber human suit! He stole the elections with his Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo! He’s totally a fake president! Obama hates America! He’s a Muslim!  Liberals eat babies! He wasn’t even born in America! False Flag! False Flag!

Me: Damn it, now you scared him off. That’s some powerful crazy, you’ve got going on there. Do they even have a name for what’s wrong with you? Seriously? I bet you could get that treated … under Obamacare.

Corn: Do they have a name for what’s wrong with you? Yes they do, Nazis!

Me: Hey, I’m not the one acting like a shrieking soon to be extinct dinosaur. Dude. Just saying.

Corn: Obmacare! Obamacare! Socialism! Abortion! Gay Marriage! Doom! Doom!

Me: Say, could you excuse me for a minute?

Corn:  Ah Hah! I win! I win! Wait, where are you going?

Me: It’s the beer. I need to see a man about a large carnivorous reptile.

 

 

Honestly, if I see one more email about how Obama “stole” the election via some “cult of personality” or how the ACA was passed because of some secret magic Negro Mojo so therefore it’s okay to implode the government, I will feed myself to the velociraptors just to make it stop.

Select all. Delete.

And the mailbox is clear for a brief moment.

198 comments:

  1. It would be entertaining if some day you took a list of all the thing the folks call you and keep a running tally. Categories like: word for word repetition of Glen Beck talking point, called Nazi, called Nazi AND Communist, etc. Of course that would mean you'd actually have to read all the drivel, so it's probably not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that would make an awesome word cloud!

      Delete
    2. It would make a great game of bullsh*t Bingo....

      Delete
    3. Or drinking game.

      There's not enough liquor in the world.

      Delete
    4. Sounds like a good job for a minion.

      Delete
    5. Maybe one of your little friends could create an app.

      Delete
    6. kathleen didn't mean to say "little friends." She meant one of your minions/drones/stormtroopers/sychophants could make an app. ;)

      Delete
  2. Thank you for the lunch time laugh (east coast here)! I did start to get serious again real quick though when I thought about how your realistic your composite complainant is ... Ugh. How can our country survive?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Snorted into my post-lunch coffee. Thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Never underestimate the desire of the uneducated to educate everyone else...

    ReplyDelete
  5. No "BENGHAZI!"? I'm disappointed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right! That is odd. But I don't, in fact, remember seeing mention of Benghazi at all in any of the mail I read. Damnit, Glenn Beck is falling down on the job.

      Delete
    2. Wow ... did you ever notice that "Nazi" and Benghazi" both end with "azi"? That just can't be a coincidence, now, can it?!

      Delete
    3. Benghazi is Hillary's fault. Keep you eyes on the ball.

      Dr. Phil

      Delete
    4. Hillary? How dare someone mention that Lesbian Communist Harridan. I'm off to tll Bryan Fischer!

      Delete
  6. Fortunately the book store is empty right now, so the local Teabillies that stop in from time to time to special order books on contrails and HAARP didn't hear me giggling like a schoolgirl. Terrific stuff...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which HAARP books are you selling? I actually know the guy who wrote "Angels don't play this HAARP." He's a nice guy, but he's a stark staring conspiracy nutter. He's also the brother of my junior senator.

      Delete
  7. You remind me of a sane Hunter Thompson, if such a thing can exist. Keep up with you're writing, you're terrific. Get an agent.

    ReplyDelete
  8. McGuane-esque. ( That is a complement.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Have you seen this story? Also, NAZIS!

    http://news.yahoo.com/arizona-de-fuhrer-barton-obama-134942788.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for that. I see the thoroughly debunked "Hitler gave Germany healthcare and gun control" meme is still going strong.

      Delete
    2. Interestingly, Barton has locked down her twitter and FB.

      Delete
  10. I'm a hanger-on that aspires to be a henchman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm aiming for "minion" myself. Those little yellow dudes with their jelly squirt guns are fun stuff.

      Delete
  11. I'd like to apply for the roll of Fangirl. Hanger-on might be a little difficult since Alaska is too cold for me, but I'm hoping with time and ass-kissing to be promoted to Cronie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Proud member of Fan Girls For Jim!

      ~Lori

      Delete
    2. I am applying for supervising the "chocolate Mojo" division...I loves my chocolate, and now someone mentioned BACON?

      Delete
  12. (Sapiosexual Groupie, here.) And, I know better than to have any beverage in hand when I read Stonekettle. Finally.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You should do one of those word cloud thingys on those key words from the hate mail. Would be hilarious and probably a good basis for a psychology thesis. Which word would come up the largest you think? Nazi's? Liberul?

    No, no, the cat ALWAYS yaks up right where you are going to step in it at 3 a.m. in bare toes, so it's all cold, slimy and squishy and wakes you up rudely.

    I take offense to the term hanger-on, I prefer lurker, thank you very much. Going off to lurk now...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I dream of reaching the lower slopes of foppery, with ambition to be a popinjay.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I take umbrage at being called a henchman, a syncophant, a toadie and a hanger-on. I sir, am a Jim Wright MINION. You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I used to work for a man who thought the moon landings were faked. The conversation we had on the subject the day before the 44th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing was one of the strangest I have ever had. The guy was convinced that it was possible to accurately simulate 1/6 Earth gravity (such that it would hold up to scrutiny by the best scientists available in a country that had every reason in the world to believe that we'd try to fake it) in a soundstage on Earth with 1960s special effects technology. It was especially surreal when you consider that we couldn't even do that 30 years later (with movies like Apollo 13), and it was only with the advent of modern CGI that we can do so today.

    That said, conversations on just about any other topic were rather normal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My father worked for NASA during the Challenger years... and he thinks the world is 6,006 years old.

      Evolution is a *really* messy process. It apparently needs all the duds.

      Delete
    2. My older sister worked for NASA, starting when the agency first started. She moved over from the Department of Agriculture (which she found unbearably boring, go figure). She met guys like von Braun and Oppenheimer. Pretty cool stuff, really.

      The nuts who insist the moon landings were faked make me want to slap them, or worse (I leave it to your imagination what "worse" might be - I think something quite operatic).

      Delete
    3. Like Chief Wright, I'm partial to the Aldrin response. However, I'm hospitable to a fault, so I doubt that I'll have the opportunity to use it.

      Delete
    4. These massive conspiracy nuts are so illogical, how can they even think that a deception could be kept secret by S O O many people? Boggles the mind, wait, that's it. They have a mind that isn't fully functional.

      Delete
    5. As a photographer I like to point out that the film used for the Apollo missions, as well as the camera's, were specially designed and modified by Kodak to properly expose on the moon. Great leaps forward in film technology were made in the process, which we used until the digital revolution at the turn of the century. That's a lot of work to shoot on a soundstage in Burbank.

      Delete
    6. And the color television cameras first used on space missions, used the CBS method, not the RCA method (which the rest of the US watched until 2009). Now we all use the Grand Consortium method (waiting on screams of conspiracy 3 .. 2 ..

      Delete
    7. I listened to a lot of conspiracy crap during my time at NASA. My response was always that you have a couple thousand people handling and analyzing all the data from all the flights, and now you want me believe that you also have a couple thousand people faking the data well enough to fool the other couple thousand? And not one of them has spilled the beans? Come on. And, why wasn’t I offered a job on the data faking side? Is there something in my security record?

      -Paul Cooper (former QM3/SS)

      Delete
    8. My dad was involved with NACA, later NASA for decades. Test pilots and later on astronauts were our dinner guests. All of us, kids and adults, were focused on exploring outer space. It's part of our proud heritage of scientific inquiry now lost in the haze of teabagging ignorance.

      Delete
    9. A old country boy I knew had the moon landings figured out in 1973. He said " Ain't nobody landed on the moon, they filmed that on a mountain in Hawaii, there ain't enough wire to go from here to the moon and besides where would they put the telephone poles?"

      How can you argue with that! lol

      Delete
  17. Can I be a henchman or hanger-on, or should I just settle for sycophant (which I don't believe Corn actually used because that's an awfully big word) ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, sycophants are the Republicans. Dems are the donkeys.
      Me, I'm just a groupie. An old groupie.

      bd

      Delete
  18. I am not burly or rough and tough enough to be a henchman, so could I be a minion?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Jim, I strongly urge you not to put the hate mail into the compost. It may be toxic to any plants you fertilize with it later.

    Using it as litter box filler may also be iffy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree. Please do not let any of the hate mail NEAR ShopKat.

      Delete
    2. ShopKat is heavily armed and pointy on five ends. She can handle it.

      Delete
  20. I'm so sorry you took off the "you're a god" as one of the pre-selected reactions. You gave me a good laugh in the midst of this madness we're in.
    Thanks for being clear-eyed, witty, intelligent, and a damn good writer.
    bls

    ReplyDelete
  21. You included "ook ook" among the drivel. Why are you targeting librarians? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Since the velociraptors seem to be otherwise engaged, perhaps we could ask the Librarian to do the honors. A few strategically pelted peanuts should turn the trick.

      Delete
    2. Just call him a monkey & turn him loose...

      c.c.thomas

      Delete
  22. I can't be a hanger on since I don't have great upper body strength. Toady is out because I'm a mammal. And the one time I tried henching I failed miserably. Since someone has already grabbed FanGirl, can I be a Moll?

    ReplyDelete
  23. "Corn: Well, your fans are all sycophants!

    Me: Not all of them. Some of them are toadies, a few are henchmen, there are some hangers-on, and there’s one fop but he’s more of an admirer and not really what you could call a fan. "

    Can I be a minion? I think I could be a good minion. (I'll bring cookies)

    ReplyDelete
  24. He says "sycophant" like it's a bad thing! All this sycophantin' ain't easy, you know.

    And I think instead of a word cloud, one of your more technically-talented sycophants could create a 'hate mail generator'. Just take the key phrases and pop them into drop-down menus in a form letter. Or, instead of choosing from a drop-down, it could just randomly generate a string of phrases. Yeah, that would more closely resemble the original mental (and I do mean mental) processes!

    Bruce

    ReplyDelete
  25. Why can't we all just be your slaves? You can tell them all then that you're trying to bring back the old South and they would all think you're a great guy. Plus since they all think we're slaves to Obama and the libtard agaenda already, you know we would have lots of experience at being slaves.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I love the composite conversation, but you left out "Benghazi!"

    ReplyDelete
  27. I don't know if my special official benching name should be Walter Mellon or Ben Gauzey. One thing's for sure, though, and that's if you don't start attracting a better class of antagonists, I'm going to have to start arching the paperboy.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hahaha! Especially fun since furlough... hmmmm- perhaps I am a fan girl leaning towards berserker (retired Army you know...). Thinking you should nudge your BFF Obama and have an NSA government death beam send bacon scented nazi spam to the complaint suit- the better to attract velociraptors you know.....

    ReplyDelete
  29. I don't know if my special official benching name should be Walter Mellon or Ben Gauzey. One thing's for sure, though, and that's if you don't start attracting a better class of antagonists, I'm going to have to start arching the paperboy.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Jim, it's obvious to everyone that you put a great deal and time into your blogs. It has to feel really good that you are starting to reach a larger audience. Kudos and keep trucking.....tom k.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. meant to say "a great deal of time and effort". My proof reading skills are limited to after I hit post, apparently. :)

      Delete
    2. Well, sure, there's that. But I'd prefer quality over quantity, truth be told.

      Delete
    3. Surely you don't expect to get quality hate mail from the ranks of the TEAPLE...lol

      Delete
  31. Love the 'Bored of the Rings' reference. It's not every blogger who's familiar with such towering examples of modern English literature. Thanks for the post-lunch chuckle.

    ReplyDelete
  32. If selected as a minion, I will bring the pizza (the good Chicago deep dish kind)!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. But...But...Obama.

    ReplyDelete
  34. You have hate-mail. I have friends and family whining, "Obama needs to compromise". People completely fail to realize that Obmamacare, IS the compromise! Democrats wanted a singe-payer public option, they compromised, now we have the ACA.

    I hear that Democrats are 'disrespectful' and aren't "willing to negotiate". If you see a kid having a tantrum, you don't presume that his parents are being disrespectful to him, you don't give his point-of-view equal weight, and you sure as hell don't negotiate with him! Of course, there isn't a 'fair and balanced' media reporting that event either. In the real world, tantrums aren't tolerated.

    I've also read a few-thousand too many commentaries from people who say "Democrats are just as bad as Republicans". Can't we admit that corruption exists in both parties without being blinded to the fact that the Republican platform, their governing principles in action, and these current arm-twisting tactics are vastly different and provably worse for our country and its economy? There's a huge spectrum from purely-perfect to entirely-evil. Most people are that gray area somewhere in-between. But is fantasy, foolish even to pretend that White-with-a-drop-of-Black and Black-with-a-drop-of-White are the same shade of gray.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Haha, Jim. I wonder how many hits the Strunk & White section of wiki got today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, I expect zero from those who really needed it. Like the eejit State Rep BArton referenced above. I'm beginning to think the official salute of the State of Arizona should be the facepalm.

      Delete
  36. Dear somewhat/possibly benevolent overlord:

    I humbly beseech you to return the "You are my God" button, if only for the duration of the shutdown.

    Respectfully,
    A dedicated minion/hench-person/flunky

    ReplyDelete
  37. In reference to Mangaka, I have PROOF that the moon landings were faked. I wish I could post the photo I personally took! South of Memphis by about 40 miles, in Tunica, MS, & off of Hwy 61, there is actually a sign pointing to "Moon Landing" which everybody knows is where the photo shoot was staged. Although I must say, I am confused as to why the "moon photos" look so barren yet Moon Landing is amid lush cotton fields and right near the Mississippi River. Musta' been the special effects...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that's also the place where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil.

      Delete
    2. Thanks! Been lookin' for that...

      Delete
  38. Thought you might enjoy this, Jim, from TPM:



    An Atlanta Braves fan reacted to his team's tough loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers by sending a letter Tuesday to a Republican congressman that sardonically drew parallels between the baseball game and the government shutdown.

    The letter from Paul Kaplan to Rep. Jack Kingston (R-GA), reported by NBC Sports, drips with sarcasm.

    In a thinly veiled reference to the House GOP's relentless attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act, Kaplan noted that his beloved team "sent batters to the plate at least 40 times" in Monday's 4-3 Dodgers win, which eliminated the Braves from the playoffs.

    "But just because we couldn't score enough runs, the Dodgers refuse to relinquish the title — and worse, they won't even discuss it," Kaplan wrote. "LA's stubborn refusal to even talk to us about reversing the results of this series is un-sportsmanlike and un-American. But there is an answer: If the Dodgers won't listen to the cries of average Americans like you and me, then Congress should outlaw Major League Baseball until the Dodgers cave."

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/braves-fan-mocks-gop-for-shutdown-just-because-the-dodgers-scored-more-runs-doesn-t-make-them-right

    ReplyDelete
  39. Now I have to read the whole damn thing again because I missed the Bored of the Rings reference.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Someday, with luck and hard work I may be awarded the title of minion.......

    by the way, this posting was awesome! The bit about the pineapple rings was gifted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It ain't a baked ham unless there's pineapple rings and molasses.

      Delete
    2. And you also need whole cloves, to act as nails to hold the pineapple rings in place.

      Delete
    3. Don't forget the maraschino cherry halves in the middle of each pineapple ring.

      Delete
  41. "Jesus should have spent a little less time on parables and maybe a bit more time teaching English 101, because seriously, Folks, crack open a copy of Strunk & White. Please."

    He could have at least tried to get the hang of "Romanes eunt domus."

    ReplyDelete
  42. Crony -- I like the sound of that.

    -Medicine Man

    ReplyDelete
  43. truthkillalllibtardsOctober 8, 2013 at 1:08 PM

    HEY STUPID LIBTARDS JESUS DIDNT SPEAK ENGLISH IDIOT!!1! HE SPOKE ARAMAIC YOU PPL ARE FUCKIN STUPID!!?? THE ONLE BOOK HE NEEDED WAS THE BIBLE!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, what? I guess a blowjob in the parking lot is out of the question then?


      Also, since you seem to be an authority, answer a question for me. Jesus, Son of God. Savior, imbued with the stuff of miracles, risen from the dead, that guy, he, um, wasn't good with languages then? Is that it? God only speaks, what was it? Aramaic? Forgive me, but that seems a tad limited. For a Omnipotent Being and all, I'm just saying.

      Delete
    2. Also, please stand in the square marked "Danger, Keep Clear."

      And hold this pork chop, I'll be right back.

      Delete
    3. Funny, I expected a far more confused and poorly written response from someone using 'libtard' in their user name. Color me surprised.
      By the by, I am pretty sure it was not called the Bible when Jesus was there, and he really didn't like how the people that 'toted the Bible' back then behaved. You probably already knew that, you were just testing us.
      Hopefully Jim gives you a chance to read some more of his postings in between the marination steps.

      Delete
    4. This is, like, performance art, right?

      Delete
    5. I believe when Jesus was kickin' it, the book was called the Tanakh, or the Torah...what Fundies have highjacked and call the Old Testament

      Shit, Jesus wasn't even a Christian...so who's a dipshit now?

      Delete
    6. Screw the pork chop. Do what I do, set up a can of warm bacon grease over the door marked "exit" that leads right to the where the bears are hanging out....(my son thinks velociraptors are much more fun than bears though and was wondering if he could borrow a few from you).

      Delete
    7. That would be the "Jewish Bible", right? Since the other one didn't exist yet.

      Delete
    8. This guy managed "Aramaic" but not "only"???

      Pam in PA

      Delete
    9. Jim, Please find it in your heart to allow more "comic relief comments". I still have tears in my eyes from that last one. Your aficionados are clever. I really need a good laugh right now! Love, Maria la Miñona

      Delete
    10. ... I'm callin' Poe's Law on this one.

      Delete
    11. Used to be, when I got this kind of thing, I thought so too.

      Unfortunately, it's statistically unlikely to be a Poe. Take a look at the comments under The Blaze, or on Yahoo! News, or CNN and you'll find tens of thousands of comments just like this one. My hatemail is full of this shit. I typically delete comments like this one, but this was so ironically amusing given the subject of this post I let it publish.

      In a way, I hope that it is a Poe, but unfortunately I seriously doubt it.

      Delete
    12. I thought Jesus was Jewish. Didn't they speak Hebrew at least some of the time?

      Delete
    13. Nit, Imperial Aramaic as of the Persian conquest was quite similar to Hebrew and the Jewish people had adopted it as their vernacular because it was handy during the years of Persian rule. Both the Greeks and the Romans tried to supplant it, but the Jews didn't like the Greeks or the Romans and they liked the Persians (who'd been pretty lenient rulers who let them run their own affairs pretty much without interference), so they stuck with Aramaic while surrounding areas slowly went Greek. Hebrew was still spoken, but primarily as liturgical language, not as a daily language.

      So if a historical prophet named Jesus actually existed he likely would have spoken Aramaic. It seems unlikely, however, that there actually was a Jesus. There are no contemporary records of Jesus's life and death, just accounts written based on hearsay by people who weren't even born at the time Jesus supposedly died. The Jesus cult appears to have originated several decades after the supposed death of Jesus, as a response to the John The Baptist cult, where an offshoot of the Essenes cult needed a great prophet too to compete with the John The Baptist cult. No, more than a great prophet. A messiah! So it's likely that the only language Biblical Jesus spoke was the language of thin air.

      Oh wait, what's that sputtering sound? On. You're still here, TBL? Here, please hold this nice ripe slab of beef while I step backwards and whistle. Ignore the velociraptors, they're tame...

      Delete
    14. Make a smart ass remark and become more knowledgeable. Thanks. :)
      I think I saw something about an investigation into a documented confession that claims that Jesus was a fabrication created in the 400's Can't remember where I saw it but it was on the internet so it must be true.

      Delete
  44. Can I be a groupie? Please, please,please. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  45. My father always told me I was so handsome it hurt to look at me. I guess that means I am the fop.

    Danny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's a stupid question: what is an "fop"?

      Delete
    2. Fop: A man who is preoccupied with and often vain about his clothes and manners, also, a fawning dandy.

      Delete
    3. Also, I just think the word sounds funny. Fop fop fop. Fop.

      Ok, I'm done now.

      Delete
    4. Been giggling softly for 15 minutes, but laughed out loud at this. Scared Twyla, my little rescue poodle, as she stalked a napkin scented with BBQ chicken leg. Alas, no ham or porkchops.
      Been a lurker for a good long while; may I be a minion? Please, please, please?

      austinhatlady

      Delete
    5. So I take it, Jim, you're a not a Dapper Dan man.

      Danny, what a great Dad!

      Delete
    6. "fawning dandy" -- maybe I can be that, except for the clothes and manners.

      Delete
  46. I turned off my lurker cloak for a moment to say that your post is particularly well done, even if there was no "liquid alert" at its beginning. Turning my cloak back on n . . .

    ReplyDelete
  47. Jim dear, you need a qualified minion in the kitchen and I am volunteering for the honor. You ALWAYS place a maraschino cherry in the middle of the pineapple ring. Without the cherries, the ham is nekkid!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Truth be told, when baking ham, I typically throw in handfuls of dried Michigan cherries and sliced tart apples, a cup of cranberry juice, brown sugar, molasses, cloves. But for the purposes of this demonstration I used canned pineapple, no point is wasting the good stuff on the rabble, eh?

      Delete
    2. Well, in our neck of the woods we always use the highest quality canned stuff and the jars of cherries then throw the empties out behind the trailer. Gives the other folks something in pick up and sell. We are supportin' the economy and bein' good job creators.

      Delete
    3. Gwen, I too live in Texas. Thank you for being a job creator. It's because of people like you that other states are envious of our economy.

      Delete
  48. Oh God I am so glad I found your blog and you. THANK YOU!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome aboard, mind the White Cat, we believe that he is possessed by either actual hellspawned demons or ... well, there really isn't an or. Even the velociraptors give him a wide berth.

      Delete
  49. Jim, Jim, I am so disappointed. You really need to talk to your Velociraptor breeder. No screams and crunching, no attempts at escape. Maybe you should have sent him into the tall grass? By they way, I am very hard working and punctual, I would like to apply for the position of lackey.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I found this blog pretty recently. Are there any 'useful idiot' openings?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Useful would be so much better than tasty, in this particular instance, dontcha'think?

      Delete
  51. Love your blog! I volunteer as "go-fer"! Everyone needs one!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Shared this gem too. Heeeheheheeeee!
    M from MD

    ReplyDelete
  53. I am my own category!

    Is it because I am from Texas? Really, I'm not like the rest of them.

    ReplyDelete
  54. How much does the henchman job pay? I might be interested if it has dental and eye care benefits.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I just want to say that I think the reason "Deadlock" was so big was because you toned down the snark, minimized the Nazis, kept your language reasonably clean, and dealt with the topic in a clear and reasonable way that could be easily swallowed by folks who agree with you AND those sitting on the fence. (The others can't swallow anything unless FoxNews has chewed it first.) As I discussed with some of my friends on Facebook, if you keep writing in that style, you'll get a LOT of big posts and can help our cause by becoming a more mainstream and respected commentator on these topics. Just saying.

    Keep up the good work. You know we love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just as happy to keep doing what I do. If I start writing in order to generate pagecounts, I might as well write porn.

      Delete
    2. To hell with becoming mainstream. Keep at it, and can I please know where you purchase your liquor? I want a case of whatever you were coming down from when you wrote Caribou Barbie.

      Delete
    3. Please don't start writing porn. I need to believe there's something I can write better than you, and if you're good at smut, too, I'll just be crushed.

      Delete
    4. What? He writes about pussy all the time. Oh. Wait.

      Delete
  56. By the way, I can't believe you actually READ the hate mail. Toss that crap. It's a waste of time and just makes you angry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I think he enjoys it. :)

      Delete
    2. Angry? It makes me laugh. I've been hated by professionals, these lunkheads are sad little goofs good for little more than their entertainment value. I'm particularly amused by the death threats.

      Delete
    3. Besides, if they're busy writing hatemail to me, at least they're not out fucking up the rest of the world at that very moment.

      Delete
    4. Death threats? Well, now I know what to get you for Christmas ... a gift coupon from the factory that makes M18 Claymores.

      Delete
  57. I think I know that guy, only his name isn't Corn, it's, well...I know a few people like that. Argh.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Lurker #342134 here...about time you acknowledged us, Jim. Keep up the good work. Your blog is an island of common sense and logic in a vast sea of insanity. I think I washed ashore here while on a 3 hour tour.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I feel your pain, Jim. The nutters at work have gotten a little boring, via predictability. The only thing that's sort of fun is to quickly peruse the WND/Breitfart/et al sites, and tell them what they are outraged about before they get a chance to tell you themselves. Pisses them off.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Awww...Jim, Jim, Jim. When I read this at about 11AM (HST), there were 63 comments already. I just got back (3:50 HST) and now there are 107. Good grief, man, how am I supposed to keep up?

    And, by the way, could you check the registration slips please? I can't remember if I signed up as a minion or a sycophant. My husband thinks I checked the box as an acolyte but I forgot to make a copy. It's getting so hard to keep up with all these responsibilities you foist off -er ah- assign us minions (sycophants, acolytes?). (sigh)

    ReplyDelete
  61. Dear Jim,
    In your description of Corn, you forgot the tricorn hat with the tea bags dangling from the brim.
    Now I have to wipe off my computer screen.

    Sincerely,
    NaluGirl
    Proud member of Minions Local 702

    ReplyDelete
  62. I was going to apply for the positon of Stonekettle toady or flunky but I think I'll go with disciple since I think the robes will be much more comfortable.

    Pam in PA

    ReplyDelete
  63. ::Sigh:: Just another guy named Steve ...

    My brother claims to have seen the movie sets where they shot the faked moon landings. I think he saw the sets for the movie about the "faked" moon landings.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Jim, I think you have illuminated the root of the problem here: there just aren't enough large voracious predators around any more to thin the herd.

    Bruce

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My wife has argued for years that we need to be releasing tigers regularly into the cities, so that the populace has something REAL to be afraid of, instead of all the ridiculous stuff that folks worry about.

      Delete
    2. It works in wolf-reintroduction programs. The elk and similar prey don't hang around the riparian area and destroy it when they've got serious predators to think about. They revert to a more elusive lifestyle.

      Tigers in the cities. Perhaps something to think about...

      Delete
  65. New here! Thank you for being compelling enough in your humor and ironically right on in your analysis of the sadness of our current population of less-than-well-versed knee-jerk reactors. I hope that made sense!?

    More simply: Thank you for saying much of what I have been conjuring myownself. ^Bows*

    ReplyDelete
  66. LOL! Glad I didn't have Coffee.... your hard computer equipment! :)

    John

    ReplyDelete
  67. I just got to wondering, is the meta hate mail that I presume you get for mocking the hate mail any more interesting?

    ReplyDelete
  68. all that hate and fat might not be good for your reptiles, or your ninja felines, (just sayin)

    ReplyDelete
  69. What most annoys me about the trolls is their complete ability to ignore what you actually say. If a troll says "We're broke!" and you say "No we're not, we could completely eliminate the deficit today and pay off the entire accumulated debt over the next 30 years without raising taxes to higher than the OECD average and without cutting a dime of spending," they look at you as if you just developed five heads and repeat, "but... we're broke!"

    You can't fix stupid. And that goes double for mean and evil stupid. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Duct tape & 2x4's are excellent inhibitors of Stupid, but the application process can be exhausting...

      c.c.thomas, current habitue & aspiring acolyte...

      Delete
    2. "It's like I've always said: you can get a lot more with a kind word and a 2x4 than you can with just a kind word." - Marcus Cole, Babylon 5

      Delete
    3. I'm afraid that some of the stupid I've run across with the wingnuts would cause a 2x4 to give up and go limp like a piece of linguini. At some point wingnuts reach Peak Stupid, at which point a kind word and a 2x4 both have roughly the same effect. I'm just wondering if we're there yet. You'll know by the vast sucking sound... oh wait, no, that's just a Kohler Memoir toilet. Writing materials to be provided by the user. Fine tip not guaranteed. Ker-FLUSH!

      Delete
  70. G'damnit,,,,,ya forgot to thank the THRALLS....no one remembers the thralls, oh sure kick, starve and then IGNORE us.....poor little thralls.

    ReplyDelete
  71. I prefer to be addressed as a myrmidon. It is the classicist and elitist in me.

    ReplyDelete
  72. I see only one flaw. Corn would never use the word sycophants. Great Post.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Well, I see all the good positions have already been snapped up, harrumph. I suppose helot would be too much to ask?

    Although it would suit me better to go for gadfly, just to shake things up a bit. Yeh, gadfly -- that's the ticket! Then I can do stuff like point out that you consistently misspell "accidentally" as "accidently".

    What? No gadflies need apply? Well, okay, I'll settle for vassal, then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But then, so is your hate mail -- are you sure you want to hang your hat on that?

      Delete
    2. (Returns on October 12th; scans headlines; smirks in quietly smug self-satisfaction....)

      Delete
  74. I worked with a guy once, long ago who thought the moon landings were fake. I've never forgotten his sage words of logic:

    "If God had wanted man to go to the moon, he would have built a highway to it".

    I think that sums it up right there.

    signed, a Minion-in-training

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Under that thinking, we'd never have cars (we weren't born with wheels) airplanes (we weren't born with wings) and multitudes of other things your co-worker probably used on a daily basis. We were (well most of us anyway) born with brains and ingenuity and can actually use that to make up for what a Creator didn't gift us with, but they'll probably retroactively credit that to Him too.

      Delete
    2. um, we aren't born with highways either...

      Delete
  75. Just so there are enough jobs to go around, I'll apply for Girl Friday as I want to only work hard one day and rest for the other six. Thus, six other days are open for other applicants :) Great post Jim, as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  76. I enjoyed your post greatly. I'd like to apply for the peon position, I'd just as soon not take on a lot of responsiblitiy. :)

    ReplyDelete
  77. May I be a thane? I realize it's neither gender neutral, nor really gender appropriate, but it brings along a level of mayhem lacking from so many of the other positions. I specialize in targeted mayhem, so can I be a thane, pretty please?

    ReplyDelete
  78. I am no hanger-on, sycophant or minion. I'm an evil doctor.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Man, when I originally read the title to this entry, I thought that Jim had gotten a response from this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Icke and he was talking about the Babylonian Brotherhood...*whew*.

    Although, that would probably be a damned funny email exchange.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Not much point in bemoaning the existence of the stupid. Like the poor and the poor in spirit, they will always be among us. What's got me in high dudgeon, however, is the willingness of our kleptocrat class to harness the energy of these idiots to further their own ends, in this, of all times.

    We're at war. There are men and women in uniform at harm's way.

    In order for these soldiers to go out, carry out their mission, accomplish the nation's goals and return home safely, other men and women, in and out of uniform, are negotiating.

    Negotiating with allies, steadfast and otherwise.
    Negotiating with friends, true and false.
    Negotiating with neutrals.
    And negotiating with our enemies.

    And every time a uniformed or diplomatic officer sits at a table to negotiate with somebody, he needs to negotiate from a position of strength. To be backed by a formidable country, one that is united in its support for his work, and respected by friend and foe alike.

    The Democrats understood this for 7 years with Bush, and acted accordingly.
    The Tea Party, for all their flag waving, are putting our servicemen and diplomats in mortal risk, and frustrating the nation's aims, with their infantile behavior.

    The morons can't be blamed. But the moron-herders, and those who give them money and airtime, are traitors.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Where can I apply for a position as one of your fans? I'd prefer a posting as a fanboy, minion, or henchman, although I can do Stormtrooper if need be.

    ReplyDelete
  82. I can't stop thinking about bacon wrapped in cotton candy....mmmmm

    ReplyDelete
  83. I am not a henchman or one of the hangers-on. I am in cahoots. I wanted to be in a cahoot for a long time, and now it seems I'm in a couple of them.

    Because some people are misusing "minion" I felt a definition was appropriate:

    One = onion
    A few = some-ion
    A whole passel = minion

    But then, mini people been asking for minion, so maybe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought a minyan was 10...

      Delete
  84. Corn: I will now tell you why you’re wrong.

    Now you know and I know that Corn would have been constitutionally incapable of that contraction so I can only presume that you were being kind to the dog.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Oh my god, if you ever decide to take your show on the road, can I be head roadie? Have had previous experience and was an excellent beertender, once upon a time.

    I'll be back later to read the comments. I HAVE to go shopping. I just know I'm going to get mistaken for a Corn as I walk around the aisles bursting out laughing and giggling like a little girl as thoughts of this post keep popping into my head. And I know they will. Better rub the bacon on right now.

    Damn good one!

    ReplyDelete
  86. Y'know, if Obama really was a reptile in a rubber human suit, he probably should've made it an old white male.

    ReplyDelete
  87. Ironic that you missed a typo at the beginning of the section about how the hate mail authors can't construct a proper sentence... may want to fix that the say "got to BE"? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not really irony given that I did it by accident and they do it on purpose, but I understand what you're saying.

      It's fixed. And we're what? 160 something comments in and Dave is the first one to note the typo? Some of you minions are slacking off, I might need to reinstitute the noon beatings.

      Delete
    2. Careful there Jim, some of those minions might like that. Many of them are deviates, after all. ;)

      Delete
  88. In case anyone was wondering... Obama being president is entirely on the shoulders of Mike Ditka, so we can all start blaming him.

    http://deadspin.com/mike-ditkas-biggest-mistake-was-letting-obama-become-1443109185

    ReplyDelete
  89. Twilight Zone: Imagine you're in a time and a place where the Tea Party Utopian fantasy has become real. What would it be like? Would everyone carry a gun? What would education be like there, without science or history or economics? Would all the universities have steeples? How would they pay for their military, if no one paid taxes? What would it be like to be sick and poor there? Would you have to sell spare body parts to pay for healthcare? What if you were black, or gay, or female - or God help you, all three? What brand of evangelical Christian would you have to be? Would it involve snakes? Can I wake up now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In order: Crazy, hell yes, full of Jeezus-talk, universities? What universities?, Military? We don't need no stinkin' military!, Of the "nasty, brutish, and short" variety, payment and procedure at the same times simplifies things, two of those would be hanging offenses, the Restorationist variety (for more on this topic, I'll direct you here: https://sites.google.com/site/frontier2170), wouldn't *you* want to see a preacher wrassle an out-of-control python?, and no, not ever.

      Hope that helps.

      Delete
    2. What would their utopia look like? Go back to circa-2000 Afghanistan, under the rule of the Taliban. That's what it would look like, economically and socially.

      Delete
    3. Didn't Heinlein's story "If this goes on" hit the scenario pretty well? I've thought that Cruz et. al. are reasonable facsimiles of Nehemiah Scudder....

      Delete
    4. Good point, Elizabeth.

      You can't go wrong citing Heinlein around these here parts. Especially if you've got some Mark Knopfler playing in the background.

      Delete
  90. Well, thank goodness for viral, is all I can say. I ended up here the other day after seeing a link to the Deadlock post on Facebook, ended up blowing half my workday reading a fair whack of your blog. I knew it was dangerous, but I just had to come back for more today. Fortunately I was foresighted enough not to drink a beverage while reading or I would have drenched my poor laptop. Thank you, thank you, thank you for inserting some much needed levity (and, oh yeah, SANITY) into this whole crazy thing. Love it. ~Angela~

    ReplyDelete
  91. That was a great composite Jim. I read different boards here and there and I notice "Corn" shows up a lot. I think it is possible that you have discovered the singularity of stupid and Glenn Beck is the event horizon.

    ReplyDelete
  92. I apply for position of adulator. You are totally AWESOME! Thanks for the sanity.

    April

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! At first I read that as "adulterer".

      Delete
  93. I apply for the position of adulator. You are totally AWESOME! Thanks for the sanity.

    April

    ReplyDelete
  94. I've been feeling quite foppish lately.
    Jim, how about your own YouTube channel? Call it "Fireside Chat with Jim and ShopKat". I'd watch it and even contribute a little during "Pledge Drive Week with ShopKat".

    Louis in Austin

    ReplyDelete
  95. I'll go for hanger on as I don't - quite - qualify for lurker.
    Chandra in MO

    ReplyDelete
  96. It's "The International Cabal of Steves". We're like the Illuminati, but we throw better parties. Or at least we serve better beer. It's because we've never lived in the Tibetan secret tunnels beneath the Himalayas and had to drink that awful swill, Tsingtao, that the Chinese brought with them.

    ReplyDelete
  97. Steve

    Tsingtao comes from that portion of China that Kaiser Wilhelm partitioned off so Germany could also get in the divide China up and profit war.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Publicising the hate-mail has another advantage.

    When your employer asks you about the allegations of child-abuse, drug dependency etc, or when Child Protective Services call, or you get a visit from local law enforcement acting on "information received"... you can show them this stuff, and all further anonymous tips by these critters will be binned unless they include contact details. Those with such details will be examined with a jaundiced eye.

    Yes, I speak from personal experience here.

    ReplyDelete
  99. I knew I recognized Corn. He had a very famous ancestor.

    JUBILATION T. CORNPONE
    Lil' Abner : The Musical (1956)
    (Gene De Paul / Johnny Mercer)
    Stubby Kaye - 1956


    When we fought the Yankees and annihilation was near,
    Who was there to lead the charge that took us safe to the rear?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Old "Toot your own horn - pone."
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, a man who knew no fear!

    When we almost had 'em but the issue still was in doubt,
    Who suggested the retreat that turned it into a rout?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Old "Tattered and torn - pone."
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, he kept us hidin' out!

    With our ammunition gone and faced with utter defeat,
    Who was it that burned the crops and left us nothing to eat?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Old "September Morn - pone."
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, the pants blown off his seat!

    HURRAY!

    When it seemed like our brave boys would keep on fighting for months,
    Who took pity on them and ca-pit-u-lated at once?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone; Unshaven and shorn - pone.
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, he weren't nobody's dunce!

    Who went re-con-noiter-ing to flank the enemy's rear,
    Circled through the piney woods, and disappeared for a year?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Old "Treat 'em with scorn - pone."
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, the missing mountaineer!

    Who became so famous with a reputation so great,
    That he ran for president and didn't carry a state?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Old "Wouldn't be sworn - pone."
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, he made the country wait!

    Stonewall Jackson got his name by standing firm in the fray.
    Who was known to all his men as good ol' "Paper Mache?"
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;


    *****


    Jubilation T. Cornpone, he really saved the day!

    REPRISE ( FINALE ):

    Though he's gone to his reward, his mighty torch is still lit.
    First in war. First in peace. First to holler, "I quit!"
    Jubilation T. Cornpone;


    *****


    Jubilation T. Cornpone, he really saved the day!


    MOVIE VERSES:

    History says that General Grant was pretty good with a jug,
    Who went drink for drink with him and wound up under the rug?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Passed out until morn - pone.
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, his whiskers in his mug!

    Hearing that a Northern spy had come to town for the night,
    Who gained entrance to her room and lost the glorious fight?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
    Old "Weary and worn - pone."
    Jubilation T. Cornpone, he fought all through the night!

    There at Appomatox Lee and Grant were present, of course.
    As Lee swept a tear away, who swept the back of his horse?
    Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;


    *****


    Jubilation T. Cornpone, a picture of remorse!



    ReplyDelete
  100. Hit the nail in the head again, Jim. I don't mean to insult you or anything, but I sure wish you'd run for Congress and win. Then again, I like you, dude, so maybe not...that's too much to ask any sane person to do any more.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Oh my goodness!! I can't stop laughing! Tears! Yes real tears are flowing down my face. Were have you been all my life? I am so delighted to have stumbled upon you, Sir. I am looking forward to more.

    ReplyDelete

Comments on this blog are moderated. Each will be reviewed before being allowed to post. This may take a while. I don't allow personal attacks, trolling, or obnoxious stupidity. If you post anonymously and hide behind an IP blocker, I'm a lot more likely to consider you a troll. Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.