This morning, deep in the rank catacombs beneath a heavily fortified New York mansion, lolling in an oversized gold-plated hot tub taken directly from Saddam’s Palace and filled with buttery yellow fat rendered from the still warm corpses of homeless orphans, rested the bloated and wrinkled slug-like
Barons Harkonnen brothers Koch.
Naked and emaciated servants scurry about the dank chamber with their chains clanking softly, trying to look invisible as the malignant siblings rage and play angry incestuous footsie with each other among the greasy fart bubbles.
“He has defied us! Defied us!” screeches David, his withered hand rises claw-like from the oil and a long yellowed nail stabs at a control panel, across the dark vaulted space a random servant shrieks in sudden electric agony, clutches at his chest and drops dead in a twisted rictus. Bright crimson gushes from the tortured mouth and pools like an offering upon the cold stained flagstones at the booted bronze feet of a larger than life statue of John Morrison Birch.
“The arrogant whelp must pay, pay, for his impertinence, yes, yes!” hisses Charles in a hideously wet reptilian cackle that echoes back from the dark reaches of the chamber in the whispering cries of ten thousand damned souls. His slit yellow eyes glow in the dimness like twin lanterns lit from within by the fires of perdition. “You there!” He thunders at the ranks of cowering toadies, “Bring us the head of Ted Cruz!”
The minions, ever fearful and obedient, leap to carry out their masters’ bidding…
Okay, fine, fine.
Maybe I did just make up that part about the hot tub’s former owner, but the rest is at least as accurate as anything put out by the Koch Brothers’ pet media pals.
And really, have you seen what’s going on out there?
Conservatives have started eating each other. It’s like that zombie movie, World War Z.
Tea Party groups today led by former Senator Jim DeMint, founder of the Senate Conservatives Fund and head of the Koch Brothers funded Heritage Foundation, are attacking Mitch McConnell (R-KY) after McConnell signed off on the bipartisan deal to avert default and reopen the government.
The shambling undead Tea Party is angry at McConnell for what they’ve labeled “The Kentucky Kickback,” an earmark that increases funding for the Olmstead Lock, a federal Army Corps of Engineers project on the border between Kentucky and Illinois. The bill signed Tuesday by President Obama increases funding for the Lock from $775 million to nearly $3 billion.
The Koch controlled Senate Conservatives Fund was outraged:
"In exchange for funding Obamacare and raising the debt limit, Mitch McConnell has secured a $2 billion earmark. This is an insult to all the Kentucky families who don't want to pay for Obamacare and don't want to shoulder any more debt."
Tea Party sponsored ads are running across Kentucky even as I type this and the Heritage Foundation is threatening McConnell with primary challenges.
The funny part?
The really, really funny part?
McConnell is innocent. Mostly.
Yep. It wasn’t him.
As the Washington Post reported Wednesday night, the funding request for the Olmstead Locks was made by President Obama.
Yes, that’s right. Barack Obama quietly inserted a massive pork plus-up into the bill for a project in McConnell’s red state.
And then one of Obama’s most fervent and intractable right-wing political enemies took the bait and voted for it.
And now, today, McConnell finds himself unexpectedly standing in the middle of the street surrounded by ravenous flesh eaters.
If McConnell rejects the earmark he loses the support of all those angry Kentuckians who would benefit in jobs and business, but if he supports the funding increase he incurs the wrath of the shambling Tea Party undead – a monster he personally helped to unleash upon the rest of us.
At this point, Mitch McConnell is probably going to have to chew off his own foot to get away alive.
I’ll just pause for a moment so you can savor the sweet, sweet irony of that.
Meanwhile last Tuesday, while Ted Cruz’s threats of default were still in full filibluster (yes, I said “filibluster,” i.e. a fake filibuster that’s all smoke and mirrors and self aggrandizement. Remember, Kids, like “conservikaze" you heard it here first), CNN’s Anderson Cooper tracked down GOP Strategist and Zombie-Whisperer, Alex Castellanos, on the White House lawn to demand an explanation for the Texas Republican’s shenanigans.
He’s is having bunny sex.
Castellanos told Cooper that Ted Cruz was having bunny sex.
No, wait, don’t start laughing yet, it gets better.
Castellanos said, “A friend explained to me today, finally, what Ted Cruz is doing. And I finally understand, he’s having bunny sex.”
“This is the late-night edition of 360,” Cooper said dryly.
“In nature, there are boom and bust cycles,” Castellanos explained. “The snowshoe hare, every ten years, multiplies sixfold.”
“Are you high?” a perplexed Cooper asked.
“I’m high?” Castellanos replied. “I wish I was. The snowshoe hare, I thought it’s a marvelous explanation, every ten years, multiplies sixfold. Bunnies like sex apparently. But the boom produces a bust. They press their food supply, they invite predators. Right now, Ted Cruz, what he’s doing, feels good. He’s growing his supporters. It’s leading the Republican Party, I think, into a bust."
"I think you’re digging a ditch, Alex," Cooper cautioned, and then disgustedly cut to commercial.
Ted Cruz is having bunny sex.
I’ll pause for a moment so that you can visualize Ted Cruz engaged in bunny sex.
Hmmm, Ted Cruz, bunny sex. Humpa humpa!
No, no, you’re welcome. Really.
Yesterday @TheCSPANcaller, a Twitter feed that publishes some of the more interesting call to CSPAN, tweeted the message of a hysterical woman who shouted into the phone, “Once Obamacare is fully implemented they will send the sick and elderly to FEMA camps which are funded under Obamacare!”
The sick and elderly will be sent to FEMA camps … where they will be what? Forced to fill sandbags and scrub out Port-O-potties in preparation for the next big hurricane in a red state?
Hell, if we’re going to send people off to FEMA camps we should maybe send the hale and healthy, we’d get more use out of them. I mean, honestly, how many pallets of MREs do you think grandma can pack before her pacemaker gives out? Then what are we going to do with her? Eat her? You know how tough and chewy old people are? Yuck. And the sick? You can’t eat them, that’s just asking for trouble, that’s where zombies come from. True story.
Then again, look at it this way, at least in an Obamacare FEMA camp, the sick and elderly will finally be able to get some fucking healthcare.
But I digress.
Grover Norquist apparently only approves of uncompromising conservative intransigence when it’s orchestrated by him and him alone.
The Americans for Tax Reform president declared that “The Defunders” have a lot of apologies to make:
“It’d be a good idea if they stopped referring to other Republicans as Hitler appeasers because they opposed the strategy they put forward which failed. I think if you make a mistake as big as what they did, you owe your fellow senators and congressmen a big apology. And your constituents, as well, because nothing they did advanced the cause of repealing or dismantling Obamacare.”
That’s good advice, Grover, maybe you should take it.
“They hurt the conservative movement, they hurt people’s health care, they hurt the country’s economic situation and they hurt the Republican party,” he says. “And a lot of congressmen and senators are not going to win because we spent three months chasing our own tail — or at least, parts of the conservative movement spent three months chasing their own tail.”
You know, it’s ironic, damned ironic indeed, when Grover Norquist of all people starts complaining about Tea Party obstructionism.
Seriously, get a load of the onions on this little twerp, the sheer staggering hypocrisy boggles the imagination.
Right before the House vote to reopen the Government, Erik Erickson of the Red State blog and a regular Fox News contributor, tweeted:
House Republicans should object to unanimous consent to move the Senate plan forward. FIGHT.
Now honestly, I’m not sure if Erickson was objecting to passage of the bill itself, or just to a unanimous passage of the bill.
It’s okay to restart the government and keep America from defaulting on her debts, just so long as, you know, it looks like all the Tea Party types object. In other words, they know that they are wrong, they know that their policies are wrong, but they’ll keep advocating for them just as long as they know there are enough sane people around to outvote them and keep things tottering along.
Maybe Erickson and his shambling undead buddies should spend a little time scrubbing shitters in a FEMA camp.
Last Sunday, a bunch of Veterans rallied on the Washington D.C. Mall to talk revolution and to trample the sacred oath they once swore into the mud of hysteria fueled sedition under the twin banners of the Gadsden Flag and the Stars & Bars.
Oh, it wasn’t supposed to be that way, sure.
Organizers say that The Million Veteran March was supposed to be a some kind of peaceful protest to demand a reopening of the war memorials and an end to the government shutdown and its impact on active duty troops and veterans alike.
In reality, of course, it was your standard issue lynch mob of right-wing gun-waving conspiracy nuts and born-again government haters complete with powdered wigs and Halloween costume Ben Franklin frock coats. They stormed the World War II memorial and tore down the fences, then they marched over to the White House gleefully waving their confederate battle flag and listened while conspiracy nut extraordinaire, Larry Klayman, preached sedition and explained how America is "ruled by a president who bows down to Allah."
"I call upon all of you to wage a second American nonviolent revolution, to use civil disobedience, and to demand that this president leave town, to get up, to put the Quran down, to get up off his knees, and to figuratively come up with his hands out,"
Then they posed for pictures in front of the White House, next to the Confederate flag, and then when Obama disappointingly didn’t actually surrender, they just sort of wandered off, dejected at the failure of their little revolution.
I wrote about Klayman and his calls for a Second American Revolution last week, imagine my utter disgust when I realized that men and women I served with, friends of mine, people I once admired and respected, fellow veterans, were out there gaily marching alongside the likes of Larry Klayman and the traitorous scumbags of the Oath Keepers, waving a confederate flag and cheering on sedition.
Afterward, of course, certain shamefaced vets tried to distance themselves from the event, criticizing tea party activists for taking over the demonstration.
On Monday organizers posted on the Million Veteran March’s Facebook page:
"The political agenda put forth by a local organizer in Washington DC yesterday was not in alignment with our message. We feel disheartened that some would seek to hijack the narrative for political gain. The core principle was and remains about all Americans honoring Veterans in a peaceful and apolitical manner. Our love for and our dedication to remains with Veterans, regardless of party affiliation or political leanings."
Just out of curiosity, I’d love to see a poll of how many of these veterans were not card carrying conservatives. But I digress.
Disheartened. They were disheartened. Oh, well, then, disheartened.
You’ll note however, none of these veterans actually stood up to Klayman and the Tea Party when it actually mattered.
They took to Facebook after it was over, but not while the TV cameras were rolling.
None of them, not one, shouted down the seditious calls for revolution or the disgusting attacks on the president’s religion and integrity. None of them tore down that goddamned Confederate flag.
Instead they cheered. And posed proudly for the cameras.
None of them, not one, stood firm between the mob and their Commander in Chief.
Apolitical my hairy white ass.
Meanwhile, over in New Jersey this ad was playing:
My name is Steve Lonegan, I'm the Republican nominee for US Senate here in New Jersey. And we're going to shock the world on Wednesday. That's why I need your help. Our latest internal polls have us within just 3 points of winning this New Jersey Senate seat!
Seriously, will Republicans never learn?
I mean, come on. You’ve got to be kidding, right? After the last presidential election you’d think Republicans would be damned careful, damned careful indeed, to employ a non-partisan third party data collection outfit. But no, instead they continue to hire pollsters to blow smoke up their collective asses until their colons turn into beef jerky.
Internal polls. It’s creation science math yet again, folks.
Lonegan shocked New Jersey on Wednesday all right, he lost to Democrat Cory Booker by a staggering 11 points.
Still in denial, Republicans attempted to spin Booker’s win into some sort of victory for conservatives.
Lonegan lost, but his principled campaign showed the strength of conservative activists in a state that hasn’t voted Republican for president in a quarter-century. Since the campaign culminated with the government shutdown in Washington, it can’t be said that voters rose up to protest Republicans as Obama and Booker urged. In defeat, Lonegan won a higher percentage of the vote for U.S. Senate than any Republican in the Garden State has gotten in a dozen years.
I, wait, what?
Why am I picturing wild-eyed Charlie Sheen jumping up and down on a couch shouting “Winning! Winning!”
Or maybe a better mental image would be Daffy Duck gleefully shouting woohoo! woohoo! and leaping about madly with Elmer Fudd chasing after blasting his shotgun randomly in all directions.
But then there’s Ultra Conservative stalwart, Pat Buchanan (Talk about the shambling undead) who actually does believe public opinion has turned against Republicans – he just doesn’t care. Monday, in a column on World Net Daily (where else, right?) Buchanan said that if Republicans were going to be blamed for the consequences of their own actions anyway, then they should just go ahead and wreck the entire country:
“Republicans should refuse to raise the white flag and insist on an honorable avenue of retreat. And if Harry Reid’s Senate demands the GOP end the sequester on federal spending, or be blamed for a debt default, the party should, Samson-like, bring down the roof of the temple on everybody’s head.”
That’s right (or The Right, if you want to get technical about it), the guy who preaches “personal responsibility” ad nauseum tells the party of personal responsibility that if they’re actually held to personal responsibility then they should bring down the roof on the rest of the nation rather than admit personal responsibility.
This twisted nonsense sums up Ted Cruz and the Tea Party perfectly.
They are nothing but a bunch of sore losers.
They’re exactly like badly behaved little children who when they lose the game fair and square, start screaming in uncontrolled rage and then kick over the board scattering the pieces in all directions while shouting No Fair! NO FAIR! NO FAIR!
Wednesday, as Mitch McConnell was speaking on the House floor, announcing the details of the deal he’d brokered with Harry Reid to end the shutdown and avoid a default, Ted Cruz left the Senate chambers and attempted to hold his own press conference in direct conflict with his own party’s spokesman.
CNN’s Dana Bash told him that the news networks were airing McConnell’s speech live.
“Do you want to wait until the leaders are done?” Bash asked Cruz.
Instead Cruz launched into a tirade attacking his own party:
“Unfortunately, once again, it appears the Washington establishment is refusing to listen to the American people. The United States Senate has stayed with the traditional approach of the Washington establishment of maintaining the status quo.”
No fair! No fair!
You have to wonder what alternate reality Cruz is operating in.
If Cruz himself had been listening to the American people, what he would have heard was a resounding call to stop his childish tantrums and return to the traditional approach of an actual functioning government.
When Bash pointed out that Cruz had gotten nothing for the immeasurable damage he’d visited upon his own party, Cruz responded petulantly, “I disagree with the premise!” No fair! NO FAIR!
He then said the Shutdown was “a remarkable victory.”
A remarkable victory.
A remarkable victory?
FEMA death camps.
Come out with your hands up.
I’ve said it before, I’ll likely have to say it again: America deserves a far better conservative party than this mewling insanity.
As we stand here in the cold light of dawn, amongst the rubble, watching the cannibal zombie horde gnaw madly at its own innards, it is apparent to me that the Grand Old Party cannot long survive. The pervasive bunker mentality that madly declares failure after failure as some kind of victory despite all evidence to the contrary is the sound of the life-support system flat-lining.
Unless Republicans shed themselves, and soon, of the uncompromising fanatics and the raging extremists and the yellow-eyed religious zealots and the seditious confederates and the tri-corner hat wearing conspiracy nuts, they will drive both themselves and the rest of us to ruin.
Abraham Lincoln would weep with disgust over what has become of his party.
What the GOP needs now is not Abraham Lincoln, but Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. They need to start lopping off heads. And they need to do it soon, starting with Ted Cruz.
They need to do it before the infection spreads any further.
“He will not be mocked! This is not one nation under God. It never was. The greatest deception here is this is not one nation under God! It never was. Had it been, it would not have been! The Constitution would not have been written by Freemasons! You cannot serve two masters! You cannot serve two masters! Praise be to God, Lord Jesus Christ."
- Dianne Reidy, US House of Representatives stenographer
10/18/2013, Shouting at the assembled legislators right
before being tackled by security. Crazy is contagious.