Happy Apostrophe Optional Day To You, Good Sir!

Parts of this post appeared previously on President’s day in 2010.  Yes, I am recycling. Because I’m all environmentally conscious like that.  If the earth goes to hell, it won’t because I wasted electrons. You’re welcome. Make sure Al Gore spells my name correctly on the Nobel Prize  – Jim

 

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Presidents Day?

Is this a stupid holiday or what?

We should call today what it is, Just Another Random Fucking Reason To Close the Post Office Day.

Whose dumb idea was this anyway? It was Congress, wasn’t it?  (no way! They couldn’t be that stupid. But I digress rhetorically).

No, really, considering the sheer level of contempt most Americans have for their government these days, not to mention specifically and in particular the president, we’re really going to celebrate something called president’s day? Presidents Day? Seriously?

What are the Presidents Day traditions? Do we burn down our garages while deep frying a turkey full of firecrackers? Is there animal sacrifice involved? Do we put up colored lights? Gift wrap fudgesickles? Paint eggs? Shoot guns into the air and light our farts? (that would be my choice, just saying) Should we maybe nail some guy to a cross and poke him with sticks? Burn witches and dress up in costumes based on the latest Spielberg movie? Is there a corned beef and leprechauns involved? Shouldn’t there be some kind of sporting event and a parade in New York? What? I’m a little hazy on what this day is supposed to be about. Does Hallmark even make a card for President’s Day?  Would it be like The holiday season? You know, Christmas cards for right thinking true actual Americans, Chanukah cards for the Jews, Generic Festivus Card for the non-believers, money orders for the Scientologists, and like that?  Are there Liberal and Conservative President’s Day cards? If not, somebody is seriously missing out on a lucrative business opportunity. 

Like The holidays, do people get pissy if you don’t call it after their particular thing? P-Day? Ooooh, I’m so offended! Offended, I tell you! This is the day that we celebrate the magical virgin birth of little baby George Washington who was delivered unto America in a cloud of sparkly Angel farts by Jesus! By God, this day isn’t about celebrating Lincoln. It’s not about Taft. It’s not Grover Cleveland day! It’s Washington! George Reagan Jefferson Washington! Why have [insert generic political object of derision/Enemy of America™ here] declared war on little baby George Washington? Why?!

What’s the greeting? Every holiday has a salutation of some kind. Merry Christmas, Kiss Me I’m Irish lets go back to my place and have drunken leprechaun sex, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy Easter (or as it’s known around here, Yikes! Zombies!).  What’s the salutation for Presidents’ Day? Personally, I use “Blow it out your ass, Bobo,” but then again I use that greeting pretty much every day. If it catches on, I’ll be rich from the greeting card royalties alone.

Ask yourself something, how can this be a real holiday? Folks, think about it, there isn’t a even a pie. 

That’s right, all real American holidays worth closing the Post Office for come with pie.  Presidents Day? No pie.

I think I’ve made my point here.

Presidents Day, it’s ridiculous.

Now, of course, originally, we celebrated George Washington’s birthday. 

Because, Americans being Americans, they declared their independence from England, told the Crown to shove off, spit on the idea of aristocracy and royalty and the divine right of kings, and made all men equal – and then immediately set about elevating their own set of icons to worship.

Starting with George.

I guess I can dig that.  George Washington was the father of the United States, born in Texas, he was a personal friend of Jesus, he threw a silver dollar across the Mississippi, he wrestled a polar bear when he was only three wearing nothing but a coonskin cap and freed the slaves at the Alamo, and then he fought off the Nazis after they bombed Pearl Harbor – or something. 

OK, I’m not sure exactly what George did, but he’s Sarah Palin’s hero and that’s good enough for me.

But that wasn’t good enough for everybody else, oh no.

Pretty soon, people wanted the day off for their favorite President too.

So then we had Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday. That was fun, people dressed up in stovepipe hats and went to see a play…

But pretty soon people were talking about taking the day off for Thomas Jefferson’s Birthday too.

And then there was Benjamin Franklin’s birthday - he was never the President, but he’s on the money and that confused a lot of people and besides he discovered electricity and Pop Tarts and that ought to be worth a couple days of drinking and tailgating and some kind of bowl game. 

Pretty soon folks were talking about taking Grover Cleveland’s wedding anniversary off and going up to Big Bear for a four day weekend.

Then somebody came up with the idea of Vice President’s day, and Speaker of the House Day, and Take Your Press Secretary To Lunch Day, and Spend A Night In The Motel 6 With Your Congressional Page Day.

By the end of the 1960’s, things were just totally out of hand – there were so many holidays that the 60’s seemed like one long party. That’s where hippies and venereal disease came from. The 60’s were not, in fact, a cultural revolution, it just seemed that way because everybody had been basically drunk for a decade (which also explains the hygiene issues).

So around about 1971, Congress sobered up long enough to create Presidents Day.

Technically, it’s supposed to be Washington’s Birthday but saying that out loud started the whole “what about my president!” thing all over again.  So we just call it Presidents Day. Or President’s Day. Or maybe Presidents’ Day – nobody is really sure what to do about that stupid apostrophe.

The problem with “Presidents Day” is that it is supposed to be a day we all take off and ruminate on the greatness of our leaders here in the US.  And sure, that sounds terrific in principle, but in reality there were some real duds in the ol’ Presidential line up.

Take Marty Van Buren:

Give this guy a red rubber nose and we’re talking Bozo the Clown here.  And that’s how a lot of people felt about him.  In the 1830’s there was basically no federal banking regulation and Wall Street just sort of did whatever it pleased – including handing out huge loans to people who couldn’t pay them back, ever.  A massive financial crisis resulted.  Marty was a rich elitist and liked to live the highlife, you can imagine what the average voter thought of him by the end of his first term. 

Fortunately, thanks to Congress and modern laws, nothing like that can happen these days.

Or how about John Tyler:

Tyler ended up in the White House by default.  President William Henry Harrison gave the longest inaugural speech in history – in the pouring rain, in freezing temperatures, without a coat or a hat – and as a result he had the shortest presidency of all time when he died from pneumonia less than a month later.  Hey, I’m all about term limits, but that seems a little extreme. Then again, what if presidents did come with an expiration date? (better yet, what if congressmen did? But I digress. Again).

John Tyler, who was Harrison’s Vice President, was sworn in as the booby prize.  Tyler was so widely despised that he is often confused for George W. Bush by historians.  His entire cabinet resigned in protest of his policies. The House tried to impeach him and he was actually thrown unceremoniously out of his own party.  After he was eventually evicted from the Oval Office, he joined the Confederacy and died during the Civil War as a Representative of the CSA House. 

Personally, I think the guy missed his calling, he could have made a killing as the “before” picture for any number of laxative manufacturers.

And do we really want to celebrate James Buchanan?

It’s creepy uncle Fester! 

What? Nobody owned a comb back in the 1800’s?

Buchanan, besides being the inspiration for Donald Trump’s hair stylist, basically caused the Civil War.

Be sure to raise a couple of brewskies in his memory today, won’t you?

 

How about Rutherford B. Hayes?

The only President with a more sissified first name than Millard Fillmore (seriously, Millard? Were his parents just trying to get him beat up every single day of his life?).

Hayes lost the popular vote, but won the Presidency in court – thank God that kind of shit doesn’t go on any more. 

His inauguration was actually held in secret, for fear that he’d be assassinated if he appeared in public for his swearing in.  You know, I’m not a superstitious man, but I’d consider that a somewhat less than auspicious start to any administration.

Wait, it gets better, his wife was known as Lemonade Lucy because she banned alcohol from the White House – funny, but you’d think she’d drink pretty much continuously if she had to sleep with this guy. C’mon, Lucy, give The Beard some sugar!

Then there’s Warren Harding:

Widely regarded as “The Lost Munster,” Harding is considered by most American historians as probably the only US president who can’t look at George W. Bush and say, “Well, at least I didn’t suck as much as that guy.”

He was easily corrupted, a serial adulterer, an astoundingly horrible leader, and a worse public speaker – in fact, this guy was so bad at talking out loud, that he made Dan Quayle look like the president of Toastmasters.

Also, he was the guy behind the Teapot Dome scandal.

He died in office and the only reason anybody even noticed was because shit started getting better.

 

How about this guy?

I’m going to be honest with you here, I think William Jefferson Clinton is the perfect role model for an American holiday.

No, seriously.

Frankly I don’t think it gets any more American than this guy.  Left, Right, independent, c’mon there isn’t a male in all of America that doesn’t secretly fantasize about getting a hummer from an amply cushioned cute intern in the Oval Office. I’m mean if you’re not getting free gratuitous sex, what’s the point of being President in the first place? It’s not like there’s pie. Sure I hate him for being that guy who caused my 80 year old mother to use the word “blowjob” in a sentence, but really, what better way to celebrate President’s day than we watch the game, we eat junk food and swap stories of our sexual conquests that may or may not be, er, well, embellished? Hell, yeah, we’ll drink too much shitty lite beer and fight in public with our spouses. And afterward we’ll have a cigar and (wink) not have sex with that woman (wink wink). Again.

Now that’s a holiday tradition most Americans could get behind (or in front of, depending on your fancy, but I digress).

 

And finally, how about this pudknocker?

If you call it Presidents Day, then you have to celebrate all of the presidents.

 

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go stuff the turkey with firecrackers before putting it in the deep fryer.

Happy George Washington’s Birthday, folks.

Station Upgrades

I’m making some upgrades and alterations to Stonekettle Station this weekend.

Yes, yes. Please, stop your wailing. It needs to be done.

Despite the fact that I haven’t been posting more than two times a week lately, readership continues to increase at a steady rate – and has ever since the America posts. I needed to make some changes to accommodate the traffic load. 

I keep thinking that I should probably switch Stonekettle Station from the Blogger platform to something a little more modern, say like Wordpress, but the thought of making the jump and the danger of data loss inherent in any process of such nature fills me with a huge amount of ennui.  Maybe later, but not today. I’ve already got enough stuff to do this weekend.  Plus, I just plain like Blogger.  I’m used to it and it’s comfortable and it works. And Google keeps making improvements to the Blogger platform. Some of which you’ll see here today and may have noticed already. So, I’m going to wear it like a ratty sweatshirt until it just completely falls apart.

If you think I should switch to another platform and you can’t wait to tell me all about it in the comments, well feel free.  But be warned, unless you’re sending me money, brownies, and guilt free jungle monkey sex, I’ll probably just ignore you. 

Anyway, fear not, most of the changes are under the hood. Mostly I’m making tweaks to how the pages load and streamlining how I gather statistics.

However, a couple of the modifications will affect you directly.

First, you’ll notice a sharp stabbing pain at the base of your skull. There may be some momentary nausea and disorientation.  Ignore that.

Second, there is now a floating social media banner to the left of the main posting field, making it easier to share content with the world. All the really cool blogs wear them like a pretty bow on their comely heads and I wanted one too. The usual share buttons are available, Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Digg, and Google+.  The counters may or may not be completely accurate, depending on when coding for each was enabled. Also, I’ve noticed the counts change depending on a number of factors. The Facebook count for the America post is way, way off, too low by like a bazillion.  I may have lost some data there, the current count is just back to the beginning of the year.  I’m tweaking the code, it should stabilize eventually.  Changes to the banner will be made as social media systems evolve.  Digg for example is mostly, but not quite, dead.  I included it just because I have a certain fondness for it.  But it’ll probably be replaced by something else eventually. The counter is page specific, or it’s supposed to be anyway.  So if you want to share a specific post, you have to be on that page, otherwise you’ll share Stonekettle Station itself. I’m good either way.

Third, the biggest change is to how Stonekettle Station handles commenting.  Comments are now embedded in a manner similar to WordPress blogs, i.e. there is no longer a separate primitive looking comments page, comments are embedded at the bottom of each post.  Also, note that you can now reply to specific comments by other readers, simply click “reply” under the comment you wish to address.  Remember the commenting rules, those haven’t changed.   If you have problems commenting or seeing the changes, you may need to clear your cache and/or cookies and reload the page.  Also note that Stonekettle Station is optimized for the latest versions of the popular browsers, if you’re using IE6 or older, you may have trouble displaying the site correctly – likely, if you’re using IE6, you and I probably aren’t going to be friends anyway, so I’m not going to lose any sleep over it, just saying.

Mobile versions of the website are available. Mobile sense is enabled and the compact version should load automatically on mobile devices, though I note that the tablet version of Chrome on Android 3.5 or higher mobile devices continues to display the full version of Stonekettle Station – probably because Android 3.5 is so awesome that it can play in the big leagues with full blown desktops. 

Other changes and updates will continue over the next few days. 

If I break the site and you are unable to enjoy my psychotic brain droppings pithy musings, I will see that you are justly compensated for your trouble: Liberals will receive a free bunny, conservatives will be impregnated against their will and forced to raise my bastard as their own in accordance with God’s plan, everybody else gets chocolate waffles.

 

Consider this an open forum. Squabble amongst yourselves.

The Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game

 

Me: So, GM reports highest profits ever. 

Him: Well. Yah. Whatever.

Me: So, it looks like the auto industry bailout wasn’t such a bad idea after all, eh?

Him: I never said it was. 

Me: Bwah? Never said it was? You’ve bitched about the bailouts like every single time I’ve talked to you for the last three years!

Him: Barry is busy taking credit for saving the auto industry.  Must be an election year.

Me: The hell?

Him: And it wasn’t “bailouts.” It was TARP and it was actually Bush’s idea, Barry just took credit for it. Bush gets credit for saving Detroit. It sure as hell wasn’t your boy. Barry hates big business. Hates it. He’s just doing what he always does, buying the Union vote with our tax dollars.  You don’t see him bailing out small businesses or non-union companies do you?

Me: Jesus Haploid Christ, Dude, you’re mixing all kinds of shit together and anyway, now TARP is a good idea? Seriously? Exactly how much of that Kool-Aid did you drink? Because I think you might need to call Poison Control…

 

In retrospect, maybe I should have advised him to call Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

The absurd amount of paint-chip eating, baboon faced, nose picking, dimwitted verbal diarrhea in this election season is fast approaching a level of frothy double-thinking stupidity that even an avowed political junkie like yours truly finds simply astounding.

During the Super Bowl, an American icon narrates a commercial about optimism and bringing jobs back to a depressed American city and buying a Chrysler – and the noose and torch waving extremists led by Karl Rove go absolutely monkey shit, accusing Clint Eastwood, Clint The Man With No Name Eastwood for fuck’s sake, of shilling for President Obama and being anti-American. Clint Eastwood. Because, optimism, you see, is obviously a communist plot by Muslim Bilderberg Illuminati to save one of the largest remaining American industries and a couple million jobs in the Midwest in order to destroy capitalism, kill Jesus, bring about the New World Order, and turn our internal organs into a tasty nacho cheese flavored paste, or something, maybe, I’m a little hazy on the details, whatever. The important thing is that only gun lovin’ war mongerin’ Jesus humping rightwing extremists can be patriots.  Optimism equals Liberalism equals terrorism, that’s a tip from Homeland Security, kids, write it down. Also, Clint Eastwood obviously hates the Jesus and he’s probably gay, somebody check the bumper of his Prius for a Jebus Fish. (Aside: you ever notice how Karl Rove bears a really striking physical resemblance Major Toht, the creepy Gestapo guy from the first Indiana Jones movie? What? I’m just saying it’s a weird coincidence is all. No, no, never mind, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about).  Republican Funnyman Mitt Romney condemned Obama’s bailout of Detroit, but then immediately explained how he, himself, as president no less, wouldn’t have let “automakers be liquidated” – despite personally penning a piece in the November 2008 New York Times entitled (and I quote) “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” (and I unquote).  Everybody clear on that?  If Obama bails out Detroit, it’s anti-American socialist cheese making with ass-buggery by Clint Eastwood.  But if Romney, the guy who made two hundred million dollars by liquidating companies and who specifically said in writing that automakers should go bankrupt but now says he was just kidding, ha ha, if he says he would have bailed out Detroit, well, sir, that’s, um, well, not socialism. 

I guess it depends on why you bailed out Detroit. 

Do it to save two million American blue collar jobs, it’s socialism. 

Do it to make grotesquely rich CEOs and white collar venture capitalists even more grossly richer, it’s double-plus extra special American cheeseburgers with sparkly bald eagles on top shooting red white and blue bottle rockets out of their assholes while the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders sing a Country and Western version of God Bless America.

Remember, folks, ObamaCare = OMFG! Nazis! 

RomneyCare = uh, well, ur, OMFG! Look over there! Clint Eastwood is totally ass raping Jesus! And he hates puppies! And white people! It’s Twue!

When it comes to oral gymnastics, Mitt Romney is far more gifted than Linda Lovelace ever was. If politics doesn’t work out for him, he should seriously consider hardcore porn. For Romney, it’s basically the same thing and you don’t have to wear a tie – unless it’s the Horny Governor and the Nympho Intern script.

Yesterday, Congressional Conservatives just gave up.  John Boehner threw in the towel. Fuck it. Fine. Keep your stupid un-American payroll tax cuts. Fine, just fine. Make Jesus cry. Jerks. Whatever. Stupid voters.  Boehner himself was nearly in tears because congressional republicans, after fighting tooth and nail for tax breaks for the wealthiest 2% of Americans, were being blamed for wanting to raise Social Security withholdings on the middle class. Boehner felt it was just so monumentally unfair of Democrats to take advantage of the Republicans’ clearly stated position during an election year, because, of course, Boehner himself would never ever do such a thing. No Sir. Nope. Never.  The Speaker shouldn’t have worried, like my friend up above there are still plenty of loyal Kool-Aid drinkers.  Take Douglas the Yahoo Commenter:

Obama doesn't want to help the MIDDLE CLASS , he wants to GIVE MORE to the LEECHES !!! [sic]

Apparently we’re now defining leeches as those Americans (and non-Americans) who have jobs and pay taxes.  See, what we are in point of fact talking about here, by definition, are payroll tax breaks. Payroll tax breaks. Payroll.  Pay. Roll. Payroll tax breaks. The idea is you get less taken out of your paycheck (an amount equal to about one small tank of gas per month if you want to get specific about it).  Generally, you have to have a job to get a paycheck in order to have FICA withheld.  We’re now calling those people “leeches,” please note the change and use the term appropriately in official communication.

Meanwhile, The Newter still wants to cut government spending and eliminate the National Debt by declaring war on Iran and building a ten gazillion dollar base on the lunar surface manned by poor children who learned their astronaut skills while working as janitors in the Gingrich After-School Program Of Jesus Flavored Capitalism in order to spin magic moon dust into phallus shaped starships and shower the golden gospel of Trickle Down Reaganomics throughout the universe.

Rick Santorum thinks “We have to be concerned” about the very poor. And of course the best way to do that is to deny them access to healthcare and make them have unwanted babies.  Birth control  and prenatal care are for people who love Jesus and can afford to fly to Costa Rica for a secret abortion.  That’s in the Bible, you can look it up, it’s right next to that part about how filthy flawed dirty slyly sinful whorish womankind should cheerfully marry their rapists and love them long time forever bang bang while bearing their children which, by the way, are a gift from God (Violated? Sorry about that, here have a baby as compensation!) – or be stoned to death, whatever (Christianity, religion of love, not like that Muslim stuff. Not at all. Nosiree).  Foster Friess, Chief bankroll  of Santorum’s SuperPAC suggested today that woman should use the Ann Landers Birth Control Method: 

This contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so expensive. Why, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Heh, heh, conservative gals just love that joke. Because they are filthy harlots.  Santorum himself said that he thinks access to birth control is destroying our civilization, and that it has “serious long-term consequences to the society,” and that he doesn’t “think it’s a healthy thing for our country.” However, when questioned about his clearly stated position, i.e. that God hates birth control because he prefers to kill babies off himself, Santorum said that, well (insert shuffling feet and darting eyes here), um, women should maybe have access to birth control because, and dig this, because there “is a difference between policy matters and religious beliefs.” 

The Fuck?!

No, seriously, What. The. Fuck?

Okay, Rick, then let us discuss a woman’s right to access an abortion. Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Holy Mother of God (everybody, swear like a Catholic!), even Jesus Christ thinks you’re an asshole.

Honestly, this guy is so full of shit that I’m tempted to ask gay people to give up their definition of “Santorum” and allow me to redefine it as “Jesus Christ! Run for your lives! It’s cannibal Nazi clown zombies riding robot polar bears that shoot killer bees out of their eyes while flaming babies fall screaming from a bright orange sky and explode on the sidewalk like water balloons filled with chunky spaghetti sauce! Also, anal sex.”

And finally, there’s good old Ron Paul.  Still being ignored by the media. Except when he’s garrulously whining about how the media is paying too much attention to him. It’s feast or famine with this guy and nothing in the middle.  I’ll say this about Paul, he’s consistent. Consistently nuts. Consistently last. Somebody remind me how many primaries he’s won (It’s ok if you include the 2008 primaries too, I don’t mind)?  How many? It was a big round number, wasn’t it?  Of course, of course, it’s all the fault of the evil liberal elite media run by evil liberal elitists of evil.  If only they’d write a totally non-biased article about Dr. Ron:

Presidential shoe-in and certain victor, Dr. Ron Paul – Favored of Jesus, Super Genius, War Hero, Leading Economist, Olympic Champion, Ball Room Dancer, Chess Master, Tutor to Chuck Norris, Juggler of Chainsaws, Vagina Whisperer, and all around Purveyor of Tasty Nacho Flavored Awesomeness – now leads the GOP presidential field from an enviably position of fourth place…

It’s pretty obvious that Democrats like the GOP line-up a hell of a lot more than Republicans do.

And for good reason.

Because it’s hysterical.  It’s just plain fucking hysterical that this insane clown posse is the best they can do.  I mean, come on. Romney, Gingrich, Santorum for fuck’s sake, and Ron Paul. That’s it. That’s really it?  Those are the choices?  This is what it’s come down to? Really?

It’s enough to drive you to drink, isn’t it?

Sure it is.

And you know what? I say, to hell with it, let’s drink.

Alcohol, in copious amounts, is the only way we’re going to get through the next year. Trust me on this, my shiny electronic friends, I was in the Navy, I’m a professional.

Let us drink.

In fact, let’s make a game of it.

Every time somebody says Obama is a Muslim, take a drink. Liberal Elite? Take a drink. Stem cells? Drink! Iran? Drink! Bailouts? Gun control? Drink! Drink! Banks, birth certificates, and babies? Drink! Drink! Drink! 

Sarah Palin? Shotgun a tallboy and burp the William Tell Overture like D-Day from Animal House!

Romney put his pet on the roof of the family truckster? Chug a beer from the dog bowl! If he mentions Obamacare, it’s flaming shots made with isopropyl alcohol and Hospital lime Jell-O! Don’t worry about the wood grain alcohol making you blind, the hospital Jell-O will probably kill you first.

Newt says build a moon colony? Hang from the doorjamb in gravity boots and let’s do upside down Margaritas! Four or five of those babies and we’ll be swapping wives! And, we’re already wearing gravity boots! Now if we can just find a hooker and a rubber chicken…

Anytime Ron Paul says End the Fed, we do boilermakers made with Dos Equis and a double shot glass of Geritol.

Whenever Rick Santorum says Rape Babies, take two roofies and chase them down with a box of cheap wine. If he talks about your sex life, it’s Tequila Sunrises made with grenadine and a dash of KY! If he blames his wife for something he wrote, slap the nearest harlot on the ass and send her to the store for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and there’s a good girl!

And any time any candidate mentions abortion, drop a raw egg into a test tube of formaldehyde and swallow it whole.

 

Now you try.

 

If you need me, I’ll be at the liquor store.

Marines, Symbols, And A Little Perspective Please

 

Other than a few smart Alec comments on Facebook and the occasional post here, I’ve been offline for most of the last couple of weeks.

Some of you noticed and wrote to wonder why.

No, I haven’t stopped writing. Nor have I lost interest in it. Nor have I been kidnapped by space aliens.

I’ve been ill.

It’s been ongoing for about a month and a half now.

Nothing life threatening, unless you count the possibility of drowning in my own mucus, but between feeling like absolute hammered crap from both the illness and the drugs they gave me to fix it, I haven’t had any energy left for writing. I thought I was better for a while, then it came back with a vengeance.  For the last two weeks, I’ve mostly spent all day in a fog feeling like I’m wearing cement shoes, then I come home from work and eat a dinner I can’t taste, and fall into bed.  I’m pretty sure I am singlehandedly responsible for putting every kid whose parents work on the Kleenex assembly line through grad school.

I seem to be getting over it now, thanks to Teh Eeevil Big Pharma, so yay for that. 

Over the last few weeks I let the email pile up.  So, if you wrote expecting some kind of answer and didn’t get one, well, it’s me not you.  What? Alright, it is a little you, when I’m sick I find you just irritating as all hell. Your voice is like a rusty razor blade grating on my spinal column. I actively hate you and between bouts of coughing I am plotting your demise.  (Ok, I’m not a good sick person, I know that).  Anyway, email. I’m going to be honest, I probably won’t read the older stuff, there’s just too much of it.  However, I have managed to read back over the last couple of days and a number of you asked what I thought of this:

 

My thoughts?

Meh.

That picture has been floating around the internet for the last two years and recently came to light when a leading Jewish organization saw it and was predictably outraged. 

Rabbi Marvin Hier, founder of the Los Angles Simon Wiesenthal Center, among others (both Jewish and not) demanded an investigation and discipline of the Marines involved.

If you’re not sure what the hoopla is about, it’s the big blue flag with the double “s” that resembles stylized lightning bolts.

The Marines in the picture say that flag was intended to represent their profession, Scout Sniper.

However, many folks, including Rabbi Hier say those lightning bolts bear a distinct resemblance to the symbols of the dreaded Nazi Waffen SS, the Schutzstaffel, Hitler’s special military forces who were irrefutably responsible for horrifying atrocities before and during World War II – many of most infamous were carried out against Jews.

Yesterday the Marine Corps announced that the matter has been investigated, no malicious intent was found nor any violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice nor Military Regulations, and therefore the Marines involved will not be disciplined.

The Corps does however, regard the incident as regrettable and used it as a “teachable moment.”

Again, somewhat predictably, Rabbi Hier was not satisfied:

“That 70 years after the United States Armed Forces helped liberate Europe from Nazi Germany, to learn that a unit of the United States Marine Corps serving in Afghanistan adopted the SS insignia alongside the Stars and Stripes, desecrates the memory of some 200,000 Americans who gave up their lives to defend freedom against that infamous symbol”

Maybe.

If I wasn’t so damned tired from being ill, maybe I could work up some outrage.  If I was Jewish, maybe I’d be offended. If I was one of those who fought against the Nazi’s 70 years ago, or was related to one of the 200,000 dead Rabbi Hier mentioned, maybe I’d be mad as he apparently is.

But probably not.

I try to save my outrage for targets that actually matter. 

These are United States Marines.  Not only that, they are scout snipers.  They are an elite unit of an elite fighting force.  They are sworn to honor and to duty and to the Constitution of the United States.   I find it somewhat difficult to believe that these men, of all our military forces these men in particular, would deliberately associate themselves with Nazis.

Hier says he doesn’t believe it was an innocent mistake. 

He wants the Marines disciplined and he thinks the American public has a right to know what “really” happened – with the obvious implication being that something nefarious is happening.

“This shameful display of SS 'lightning bolts' by U.S. service personnel enrages our regional allies, emboldens the extremist Islamist forces with whom we are contending, and eviscerates good order, morale, and discipline within the U.S. Marine Corps”

The Rabbi offers no evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to back up this claim.

I’m not saying he’s wrong per se, but I see no evidence to back up Rabbi Hier’s assertion that good order and discipline have been degraded in any fashion whatsoever within the Marine Corps as a result of this picture. Nor do I see any evidence that our allies are offended in any official or unofficial capacity (and by allies, I assume we mean Israel, since in this post Bush era they’re the only ally who actually counts or would possibly give a good goddamn). Nor do our enemies appear to be rallying around this picture for either good or ill.  Note, I do admit to bias here, as I am always supremely skeptical of any accusation that contains the vague and non-quantifiable word “embolden.”

It’s ironic, don’t you think? The Rabbi’s unsupported claim of insidious evil within the ranks?  A creeping fifth column agenda perpetrated by those who would topple freedom and liberty from within?  Ironic in that there was a time and a place where similar unsupported accusations against Jews led to their persecution at the hands of those who thought themselves righteous in the service of country.

Maybe it’s just me.

One has to wonder, however, if the good Rabbi has seen the logo displayed on the cover of the various KISS albums, but I digress.

One also has to wonder if those expressing outrage are familiar with military symbols in general.

Sure the SS displayed on the Scout Sniper’s flag resembles the Nazi SS logo. Maybe even deliberately so and with malice aforethought. So?  So do the skulls routinely displayed in military tattoos and painted on tanks and worn as decorations resemble the Nazi Deaths Head. Just as do the swords and daggers and various crosses of military heraldry. The Nazis didn’t invent this stuff you know, no more than they invented the Swastika or any other military iconology. 

Now, does that mean that the Marines in that picture above displayed the best judgment?  I think the answer to that is probably obvious.  At least I hope it is.

And I can certainly understand how the SS symbol could be perceived by Jews the same way the Stars and Bars are perceived by the descendants of American slaves.

However, context is everything.

These are young men, full of pride, full of piss and vinegar, the best of the best. They are bent to the horrible business of war.  It’s important to understand that they are not just surrounded by the symbols and tools of death, they are surrounded by death itself.  You’ve heard me say this before, context is everything. Everything.  And the context of this picture is not something that many folks experience – and that’s probably a good thing. These men are Marines, Scout Snipers, and they were proud of that.

Should you be outraged that their flag bears some passing resemblance to a hated Nazi symbol?

Outraged? Probably not.

Should you be concerned that they, as Marines, didn’t seem to know why others might be offended?

Maybe. The USMC thought so, and took corrective action.  Something Marines do very well indeed.

Should you be worried that these young men appear to be ignorant of history?

No.

The young are often ignorant, and naïve, and blissfully unaware of the consequences of their own actions in the greater world (just one of the many reasons we tend not to send older folks to war, they are far too aware of the consequences. But I digress, again). These hard young men will have learned from this, the Marine Corp will make certain of that – you can count on it.  Thus will they gain a bit of wisdom. Or not. Such is being young and foolish and indestructible and alive. 

I was there once, long ago, and I suspect many of you were too.

Now, to be clear, I’m not going to be so crass as to tell Rabbi Hier not to be outraged, but it seems to me that there are plenty of cases of legitimate hate that he should be far more concerned about.  

And he doesn’t have to look any further than the comments his own outrage has generated:

and N korean, Iranian and chinese soldiers march like nazis, you yahoo libtard writers are waaay too sensitive, go bang a black chick and maybe you will see the light [sic]

I, um, what?

Just another example of trying to tear down our military. Media is behind it all- harming our country to make headlines!

GENERAL .... NO MORE VIDEO ... NO MORE PHOTO ... WAR IS WAR ....

Ah yes, the liberal media is responsible.  If only they wouldn’t report things, then the Rabbi wouldn’t have anything to be offended by.  If only it was like the old days, say 1938 or so, when Jews and other undesirables were being herded into camps in Europe, with Americans blissfully unaware. 

The New World Order has arrived.

Really? This is the New World Order? I was sort of expecting, I dunno, more.

Also, New World Order sounds like a punk metal band to me.  Four skinny white guys, shaved heads, makeup, leather, Nazi symbols, doing a Sex Pistols cover of God Save the Queen, she ain’t no human being!

hello wake up. i have friends who are white. OK the symbol is questionable. if it isn't then its OK to be white and proud of it. all people are proud of what they are born with soooooooo i guess these bunch of marine guys/girls are proud to be white and perhaps like to kill of their own mankind.........hellohellohello.................................carrying a symbol of what who knows..............may be like to scare.....BOO!!!!! [sic]

Boo, indeed. Wait, what?

I see this as an insult to anyone who has ever worn the uniform, and particularly insulting to WWII veterans and those who died to rid the world of the Nazi's including my grandfather, and the families of hundreds of thousands of their descendants.

Well, thank you for being insulted on behalf of all us veterans and our families and all of our descendents.  Big of you.

This pic is 2 years old? It is being dredged up because the 'big' story about Marines peeing on dead savages did not gin up the outrage the press was hoping for... throw this one out there now and see if it works...brought to you by the AP commitee to re-elect the president.

It always comes down to Obama, doesn’t it?  The man is nefarious. He probably ordered these Marines to make this picture. I bet they’re not even Marines! Why, they’re probably gay homosexual socialist Jewish actors on a sound stage!  Will he stop at nothing to get reelected? Ooooh, now I’m outraged. Outraged I tell you!

Acted out of ignorance? This story gets lamer and lamer. If elite snipers are ignorant, why do they have a .$50,000.00 rifle in their hands, they might shoot someone out of ignorance? I cant tell you how much this pi)sses me off.  This is how it starts everytime. [sic]

Oh yes, when fascism comes to America, it’ll be in the guise of a couple of Scout Snipers and their lightning bolt flag.

notice how the excited states habitually fails to punish troops who engage in despicable behaviour? [sic]

Where exactly are the “exited states?” Because here in America we do, in fact, punish troops who violate the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and you don’t have to go very far in this war to find numerous examples. Note that these Marines did not, in fact, actually violate any provision of the UCMJ.  Just saying.

Our military is rife with drugs and hate. It's like these men and women go to prison in these foreign countries. When they return there is no assimilation back to civvys. we need some sort of process to keep them in touch with reality. The hate does not have a switch, it's taught. What is learned can be unlearned...[sic]

I’m not really sure what “reality” the commenter is in touch with, but somebody has some serious unlearning to do.

The public school system is responsible for dumbing down our present generation. Symbolism and its importance is lost to kids flashing fake ghetto signs, their pants hanging below their buttocks, and tattoos that need to be financed like a house mortgage. How can we expect them to know the wickedness of SS lightning bolts styled flags from an upside-down five pointed star to a circled inverted cross with the arms broken. [sic]

Maybe we should make them join the military, that ought to straighten them out.  Ur, no, wait...

Well, they're not making any bones about it. I guess this is an official police state. Welcome to the homeland.

And welcome to you. Now, take off your shoes and put them on the belt.  Say, you’re not a Muslim or an illegal alien are you?

And if Rabbi Hier wants something to be truly concerned about, he should be concerned about the kind of mind that could pen this:

The rape of the republic: The Zionist Fascist Ameikan Empire and the Goyin wars. International Banksters with their puppets Mayor Schwartza Pinocchio Hussein (D SMack Daddy Super Fly), (immaculated to clean the white mess created by the white puppet Mayor War Criminal G. Bush), Lucifer Clinton (High Priestess of the Illuminati and sexual deviant) and the Swindlers list of Timothy Geithner (money changer and knee capper), Ben Shalom Bernake (money counterfeiter and ponzi schemer, head of the Federal Reserve, a private banking cartel that has been designed to systematically destroy the value of our currency, drain the wealth of the American public and enslave the federal government to perpetually expanding debt, bailing out whoever it wants to with no accountability like Citigroup $2.513 trillion, Morgan Stanley $2.041 t, Merrill Lynch $1.949 t, Bank of America $1.344 t, Barclays PLC $868 billion, Bear Sterns $853 b, Goldman Sachs $814 b, Royal Bank of Scotland $541 b, JP Morgan Chase $391 b, Deutsche Bank $354 b, UBS $287 b, Credit Suisse $262 b, Lehman Brothers $183 b, Bank of Scotland $181 b, BNP Paribas $175 b, Wells Fargo $159 b, Dexia $159 b, Wachovia $142 b, Dresdner Bank $135 b, Societe Generale $124 b, All Other Borrowers $2.639 trillion), Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Deli Land mouth piece) and a extreme surplus of terrorist Freemasons and self hating leftist jews douche bags replacing head of states, heads of Central Banks and its entire DEBT-based CRIMINAL SYSTEM enslaving present and future generations making the world safe for the international banking cabal and multinational corporations. Why another war? To cover-up evidence of economic crimes: A war would go many miles toward preventing thorough investigation of in-your-face-theft of money invested by Americans in such outfits as MF Global. To solve unemployment: Sending young people into battle means they must be supported by the folks back home who, because of kin in the trenches, will gladly pay higher tribute (taxes) and that, in turn, will fatten the purse of those who profit from the killing of humans with the War Industries. War causes the destruction of people and things.  This leads to massive opportunity at all levels for reconstruction to occur benefiting those companies that are part of the cabal. The love of money, the root of all evil. [sic]

I’m not saying that these Marines didn’t do something dumb.

But I think we can safely assume that they are not, in fact, Nazis, neo or otherwise.  And the last time I checked, dumb isn’t a hanging offense.

I think we can also safely assume that the chain of command has dealt with the situation as appropriate. 

Rabbi Hier seems to forget that engaging in witch hunts and self-righteous accusation is something the people he reviles (with good reason, certainly) indulged themselves in.

Should we be ever vigilant? Certainly.

But there is a fine line between vigilance and becoming the evil we guard against.

And Rabbi Hier would do well to remember that.

As would we all.

Stonekettle Station’s Guide to Election 2012 Terminology

It’s my honor and privilege to endorse Mitt Romney

It’s my honor and privilege.

It’s my honor.

It’s my privilege.

It looks like English.

It sounds like English.

It’s my honor and my privilege. It’s my political party and I can endorse Mitt Romney if I want to.

And if you read that sentence without attribution or context you might think that it actually was English and accidentally take it at face value, as such:

It is indeed my honor and privilege to endorse this fine fellow, Mitt Romney, whom I admire most highly and who I think will make a most excellent Grand Panjandrum of our humble democracy. He is a right dandy gentleman and I heartily enjoy his dashing good looks and the robust earthy aroma of his manly flatulence.  I would most happily award him my daughter’s trust fund and virginity and raise the resulting progeny as my own flesh and heir. He is a good egg. I love him the way a 13 year old girl loves Justin Beiber and unicorns, but in a totally non-gay manly sports analogy fashion.

And if you thought that, Gentle Reader, well, you’d be oh so very wrong.

See, that phrase, it is my honor and privilege, was uttered by none other than the insatiable attention-absorbing ShamWow! of American politics, former faux presidential candidate, Donald Trump (seriously, Colbert’s campaign for president is more legit).

Context, my pixilated electronic friends, is everything.

See, The Donald was speaking not English, rather he was speaking in the Orwellian forked-tongue patois of election year politics.  The fact he’s sporting Phyllis Diller’s haircut and channeling infomercial creeper, Vince Offer, should have been your first clue.

What the wispy Cowlick King actually said was:

I cannot believe that I’m doing this. I can’t even look at you, Romney, you with your Donny Osmond hair and your smug grin. God how I hate you, you filthy cult-loving bastard, I’m way richer than you and I’ve slathered on so much illegal Mexican Rogaine that I’m growing tits, but I still can’t get hair like that. You come anywhere near my daughter, you flatulent prick, and I’ll have you buried in the foundation of Trump Tower and covered in fifteen feet of concrete. Mitt, what the hell kind of name is that? Fuck you, Mitt. Well, anyway, here’s a check for your SuperPAC and I’ll drop you a list of legislation that I’ll be expecting your administration to approve.

See?

It’s important to understand that politicians use words that sound like English (or ‘Merican! if you’re reading this in Texas) but really mean something entirely different from the standard Webster’s definition.

Confused? Of course you are.  Here, let me give you an example: the phrase “man of the People” is often assumed to mean “somebody like us” or perhaps “just an average Joe.” This is incorrect. In fact this phrase actually means “his net worth is not less than $200 Million, most of which is parked in off-shore tax-sheltered accounts.”

I know, I know, it’s difficult to understand. Don’t despair. 

Using the previous example, the trick is to examine the second syllable of the first word, stressors on the vowel indicate… What? It’s politics, of course there are two syllables.  The second syllable is unspoken. It’s invisible. See, you have to read between the ... oh, now, stop that.  Here, breath into this paper bag.  No, no, that’s ok, the barf bags are complimentary.  In fact, take two, it’s going to be a long road to November.

Tell you what, never mind the technical gibberish.  I’ll make it simple for you, Gentle Reader.  As a public service, Stonekettle Station’s crack cadre of highly trained political analysts are here to get you through election season – and by “crack cadre” I mean me and Mr. George Killian, with occasional assistance from our panel of studio experts, Mr. Bushmills on the Evangelical Protestant candidates and by Mr. Jameson when it comes to the Catholics – and Ms Bubbly Pink Champagne, should we find it necessary to discuss Rick Santorum.  Since Rick Perry dropped out suspended his campaign (see what I did there? You’re learning) we can dispense with Senor Tequila.

Now, forget about vowels and invisible syllables and help yourself to a cold one and the appropriate Irish – depending on your denomination, Catholics help the Protestants with the booze – and before you know it you’ll be speaking fluent politician.  Stick with me and you’ll be all over this election year stuff like a Japanese businessman on a teenage girl in a sailor suit  – though you may have a headache and hate yourself in the morning, nothing a handful of Vitamin B and a Bloody Mary won’t fix (speaking of which, be careful with those, you don’t want to end up babbling incoherent Bachmann and burping up celery scented vodka).

Remember, folks, the words only look like English:

Let’s start with an easy one: We The People:  You’ve been hearing this a lot lately.  Weedapeeble this, weedapeeble that, usually followed by some unintelligible gibberish, spitting, cuss words, and punctuated with “Constitution! Constitution!” and some waving of loaded firearms.  “We the People” almost sounds like it means, well, us. All of us. Together. Black and white, liberal and conservative, gay and straight. Us. We. People.  It means nothing of the sort, especially when voiced by a true American patriot in a pointy Ben Franklin hat waving a little Chinese made American flag.   What “We The People” actually means is: Get out, get the hell out, just get right the hell out of America! Which is, of course, what the Founding Fathers really meant when they wrote the US Constitution. It’s totally true, it’s called the Allen West clause.

Which, of course, takes us to our next phrase, namely Get The Hell Out:  Think it means get the hell out? Wrong. It only sounds that way.  I know, I know, but it’s ok if you’re confused. Hell, even politicians sometimes get confused when they use this phrase. And they’re professionals.

Congressman Allen West (R-Fl): “We need to let President Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and my dear friend chairman of the Democratic National Committee, we need to let them know that Florida ain’t on the table. Take your message of equality of achievement, take your message of economic dependency, take your message of enslaving the entrepreneurial will and spirit of the American people somewhere else and get the hell out of the United States of America!”

CNN’s Soledad O’Brien: “I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t understand what you’re saying, you’re telling Obama and Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to get out of the United States?”

Congressman Allen West: “No, Soledad. Soledad, absolutely not. And you know that. No, I truly, no joke, I’m not being facetious. I don’t get what you’re saying.”

(The word you’re looking for here is Faceplam, which means exactly what you think it means, i.e. Lt Colonel douchebag. Bonus points if you know what West meant when he said “my good friend.”)

Speaking of getting the hell out, next up is Self Deportation, which sounds a lot like what Rick Perry did when he self-deported himself back to Texas once it became clear that Jesus was just fucking with him, but in reality means an act of chronic self-gratification that will eventually cause Mitt Romney to go blind. 

Misspoke:  You hear politicians use this word typically a day or so after they made a comment regarding either tacos or poor people.  Misspoke sounds like a politician is admitting that he was wrong and he’s sorry.  Sort of.  What it actually means is: I’m sorry you heard me wrong. 

None of this would be a problem if it wasn’t for the Liberal Media, which, of course, is code for “Damnit! I didn’t know that bitch was going to ask me what I read!” Also, “What the hell do you mean somebody recorded it and put it on YouTube? They can do that? Dear God! Tell them I misspoke!”

Family Values:  I value my family, all three of them. Plus the maid. And my rentboy. And, uh, damn that liberal media! Damn them.

Obama: See Hitler.

Hitler: See Obama.

Entrepreneurial: Jesus.

Flip Flop: What the other guy does. Me? My position on the issues “matured” (I was going to say “evolved” but I didn’t want to have to come back here tomorrow and admit that I misspoke).

Establish A Moon Colony:  Think “Jumped the shark” or “Nuked the Fridge.” Use this in place of either phrase in casual conversation and dazzle your friends with your political hipness. 

Then casually mention how you changed your Facebook Philosophy to “Stonekettle Station.” 

You’ll be so politically savvy that Donald Trump will be endorsing you next.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I ate a big dinner and I have to go send another politician to Washington, if you know what I mean.

Down And Out On Moonbase Freedom

Date: June 1, 2019

To: President, United States, Earth

Fm: Governor Acting Governor Pro Tem, Lunar Colony, Moon

Subject:  Help us, you rat bastard! Status Report

 

Die Asshole Die!  Dear President Gingrich,

Sir, I’m writing in desperate hope that you’ll finally pull your fat head out of your ass hear our plea for assistance.  Unless we receive federal funding soon I fear this will be my last status report.

Please don’t get me wrong, we here on Luna do indeed appreciate all you have done for us so far.  We really enjoyed the inspirational movie you sent up on the last supply rocket.  Really, who doesn’t love Newt Gingrich Saves The World? Personally, Sir, it makes me want to vomit until my space boots come up I could watch it over and over. Brad Pitt’s depiction of you as a child genius who overcomes crippling morality just in time to save the world from Bill Clinton Satan brought tears to my eyes.  And I thought Orly Taitz just totally nailed the part of Monica (Honestly, I wouldn’t have guessed that she could, uh, act).  On a side note: I don’t want to complain, but it sure would have been nice if you’d thought to have NASA send up a couple of air bottles with the movie.  Ah well, I’m sure we can breath inspiration if we have to.

Despite our efforts to live up to your new American Motto, “Arbeit macht frei Annoy a liberal, work hard and be happy,” I’m sorry to report that colonization of the moon is not going well. Jesus Christ, get us the hell out of here! 

The problems are manifold and the men have taken to calling our little outpost “Beano Station” – because there be no water, there be no food, there be no fucking air! … well, you get the idea. Very soon, there will be no people – well, no Americans anyway because there’s no fucking air! The Chinese Base New Yuèliàng Province seems to be thriving and there’s been some talk about joining up with them since most of our moonbase parts and equipment come from China anyway. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Sir, but I can assure you that this kind of thinking is confined at present to only one person. I have to say though, socialism seems a bit trivial at this point.  That might sound like selling out, but some people really like breathing, plus the communists give you free pajamas when you sign up.  Also, we could use the medical coverage.

I know that you don’t believe in government subsidized assistance unless there’s oil involved, and believe me we’ve looked, but despite the expertise and assurances of Vice President Palin, there doesn’t seem to be any here on the moon. Perhaps you could send her up to show us what we’re doing wrong. I think she’d be right at home, it’s cold as hell and you can actually see Russia from here, terrestrial cloud cover permitting. 

Now, obviously, we were supposed to pay our own way, and, Sir, we tried.  We mined tons and tons of Helium-3. Unfortunately, as you may know, the market for He-3 is sort of stagnate at the moment, what with there being no actual  Ayn Rand perpetual motion fusion power plants having been invented and all. Now, I’m not saying that it’s because you had all the scientists put to death. I’m not criticizing, you idiot Sir, praise Jesus, you understand, it’s just that it sort put a damper on the whole “The Moon Will Be The New Saudi Arabia” thing when your administration fired all the teachers and shut down the public school system for indoctrinating the kids into science liberalism. Turns out colonization of the moon is rocket science after all.  Who knew?

Additionally, as you know, attempts to build an He-3 pipeline from the moon to the Lower 48 have repeatedly failed.  Personally, Sir, if we must blame somebody, I recommend we blame the homosexual environmentalist agenda for our failure to expand capitalism beyond the bulkheads of our little settlement. I suspect that despite your generous funding of the Bachmann Center for Faith Based Americanism, a few gay environmentalists remain unconverted and at large conducting subversive sabotage of our precious freedoms.  Homos hate capitalism, Sir, everybody knows that.

The good news is that with passage of the recent National Life Begins With The First Budweiser Personhood Act, individual spermatozoa are now considered people. Trust me, Mr. President, after eight years up here living in a tin can without getting any action, I’m pretty sure I can push us over the 13,000 person population threshold for statehood all by myself, especially if I can get five minutes of non-censored access to the internet. 

The bad news is that it turns out faith-based terraforming is somewhat less optimal than we first hoped.  We held a rally to ask God for atmosphere and stuff.  However, despite herculean efforts by our prayer engineers, when Colonial Governor Perry stepped into the airlock to go outside and sample our new Garden of Eden he unfortunately exploded.  We’re not sure why.  Everybody we sent in to scrape him off the walls also exploded.  We are now blaming Muslim terrorists.  Also, you’ll want to avoid Airlock 3, just saying.

I know you’re busy with preparations for your pending marriage (fifth time’s the charm!) and  the war in Iran, Praise Jesus, but I know that we will be ultimately victorious.  After eight years of invasion, you’d think they’d just give up, wouldn’t you? I must admit that we do enjoy watching the show through our telescope, I assume the bright blue flashes are the nuclear ones? 

Anyway, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d really appreciate it if you’d consider sending up some air and maybe a little something to eat. Also, if you’re looking to get rid of, say, a couple dozen morally questionable liberal types of the female persuasion, we wouldn’t mind. At all. Seriously.

 

Sincerely,

Acting Governor (Pro Tem) and sole remaining multi-cellular resident of Moonbase Reagan

 

P.S. I hear gasoline is now over a hundred dollars a gallon, are you sure I couldn’t interest the other Fifty States in some Helium-3?

P.P.S.  You ever read Heinlein’s The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress?  Remember the part about the linear accelerator? No? Pity.

P.P.P.S.  Hey, I can see your house from here! Why do I mention it. No reason.

Eagle and Moon

 

Busy today, so you didn’t get a post.

In compensation, have some Alaska:

It was about minus twenty Fahrenheit.  My son and I were digging giant blocks of ice out of the driveway and moving them with the plow when I looked up and saw this.

The sun was setting and turning the landscape a kind of golden yellow. The air was so cold and clear it was like you could reach out and touch the moon.  I grabbed the camera and climbed the hill across from my house and managed to take several dozen shots through the telephoto lens.  I didn’t bother with setting the exposure manually, it was too damned cold to fumble barehanded with the camera controls, I just put the Nikon into full auto mode and held down the shutter release with my gloves on.  

I posted this earlier today on Facebook and Twitter. For those of you who don’t follow me on social media, well, I wouldn’t want you to think I was neglecting you.

Be patient, actual blog post to follow.

The Special Kind of Crazy

The frothy hyperventilating began immediately, didn’t it?

I would have been disappointed if it hadn’t.

Last year’s State of the Union address was a bit subdued, what with Gabby Giffords having been shot through the brainpan not long before.  When Obama entered the House chamber in 2011, Republican and Democratic lawmakers sat together as a show of bipartisan support arrayed around Giffords’ empty chair. The booing from the opposition was subdued, as were the cheers from the president’s own party. Of course, despite the new seating arrangement and the vague empty promises of bipartisanship, the frothy insanity, finger pointing, blame laying, chest thumping, dick waggling, comparisons to Hitler and the long-awaited Anti-Christ, and dire proclamations of Islamofascicommunazis started even before the President finished speaking.

On a side note, yesterday Giffords’ border bill passed the House by unanimous consent, proving once and for all that Congress can get things done in a bipartisan manner – providing that the bill’s sponsor gets shot in the head and resigns first. So, yay for progress. But I digress.

As we enter into the final fevered ten months of the frenetic spittle-flecked shit-fest that is the modern American version of democratic civilization, I expected this year to be different only in the intensity of the maddened venom tinged rhetoric.

Needless to say, I was not disappointed.

It started with Mitch Daniels.

At first it appeared that Daniels would be, perhaps, a bit more reasoned, more staid, than Paul Ryan’s strident call to arms last year – and vastly less entertaining than Michele Bachmann’s squalling glassy-eyed paranoid Tea Party response. Daniels looks kind and grandfatherly, like he should be seated on a tractor wearing a worn comfortable woolen sweater and hawking diabetes supplies next to Wilford Brimley. It’s only when he starts to talk that you suddenly realize that Daniels is nuts, his vague fixed smile and unblinking walleyed stare are a thin veneer over what looks to be the early onset of senile dementia. Daniel’s “response” resembled an actual coherent rebuttal, but upon closer inspection was actually just a bunch of conservative talk-radio sound bites lifted whole cloth from the usual pundits. The criticism was obviously cut and pasted together long before the president’s address was even in rough draft, and Daniels delivered it like a heavily medicated mental patient triggered by some unseen stimulus into reciting the Gettysburg Address as a party trick.

I think my favorite part was when Daniels lamented Obama’s evil Orwellian plan to outlaw incandescent light bulbs. Oh no! Anything but that! Keep your filthy government hands off of my hot yellow bulbs, goddamnit!

Just one problem, it was actually George W. Bush who signed that into law on December 18, 2007.

That’s a full year before Obama took office, just in case you got your history from Professor Gingrich.

In fact, that particular bill sailed through Congress with broad bipartisan support, 314 to 100 in the House, 86 to 4 in the Senate. It was only after Obama took office that energy conservation suddenly became government overreach. When it was a conservative in the White House, LED bulbs were just common sense, but when it is a liberal occupying the Oval Office suddenly we’re talking about the stark monochromic light of fascism!

Funny thing, last month Obama signed legislation delaying the regulation – at the opposition of manufacturers and importers who have already geared up to sell the new CFL and LED bulbs. You’d like to think a sitting lawmaker would know that, wouldn’t you? If it bothered him so much that he felt compelled to mention light bulbs on national TV in response to the State of the Union address, I mean.  You’d also think that if Daniels’ GOP handlers were going to write his little rebuttal in advance, they would have at least done some research – wait, unless that was the day Wikipedia was down due to the SOPA protest, but, hey I digress, as is my tendency. 

Yes, I expected bizarre hyperbole and foamy red-flecked froth this year. 

I expected bellicose outrage and ranting punditry and pompous bloviating.

And I was not disappointed.

Turns out, Daniels is a piker. 

Mitch Daniels was nothing but the warm up act.

For extra crunchy crazy, well, you need to step out into Statuary Hall where republicans gathered to vent their spleens after the address.  Universally, conservative lawmakers were offended by the entire speech and testily pointed out how Obama’s optimism is really defeatist hatred of the United States, his praise of the US Military and the US Navy SEALs (who were at that very moment rescuing an American held hostage by pirates in Somalia on Obama’s orders) is really disdain for America’s men and women in arms, his call to bring jobs back from overseas is really contempt for business, and his establishment of consumer protections and regulations on the banking industry is really both a hatred of the free market and white people in general. But for the absolute zenith of the absurd let’s focus on reaction to this line from the President’s address:

Tonight, I am proposing that every state, every state, require that all students stay in high school until they graduate or turn 18.

The sheer unmitigated gall of the man! Where does he as President of the United States get off suggesting that American kids get the minimum educational qualifications necessary to compete in our society at the most basic level?  How dare he! Why it’s outrageous! What if kids actually did that and managed to get entry level jobs and started working their way up the ladder instead of ending up on welfare and other entitlement pro…. ok, bad example, but I think I’ve made my point here.

Tea Party darling, Utah Senator Mike Lee responded, "That's none of his business! He's not a principal! He's not a public school teacher! He's not a governor, he's not a mayor. These are matters for state and local government!"

Yeah! Damned right! Why…uh, wait, what was that about “he’s not a teacher?”  Are conservatives listening to teachers now?  Because I thought teachers were liberal commies who hated America.  Did that change? Also, point of order, Obama actually is a teacher, or rather a professor of Constitutional Law. Does that count? No, I suppose not.

Arizona Republican Trent Franks was equally outraged, "What are you gonna do, give them the electric chair? It should be handled on the parental level." 

Exactly.

Huh? You there, in the back, do you have a question or do you just have to go to the bathroom?  Speak up.

Seriously, are you blind? It’s right there! Obviously Obama was saying that he intends to implement a federal regulatory agency that will put kids who drop out of school to death! Duh. How do you not see that?

Georgia Republican Phil Gingrey agreed, "To require them to stay in high school to age 18, those who have absolutely no intention of getting an education or value an education are disrupting the other kids in class. I think it's just a government misguided run amok quite honestly.”

Amok! Amok! Government run amok! Oh stop the Amok! (Sorry, I just like saying Amok! Amok! Amok! That’s a funny word. Amok!)

Here’s my idea, why wait until they’re teenagers?  Most kids know if they hate school or not by the time they’re in second grade, I say it’s never to early to drop out! More for the rest of us.

Question, why is it just good old American conservative values (which made this country great, darn it!) to suggest that black people should get jobs instead of food stamps when Newt Gingrich says it, but fascist government overreach worthy of red-eyed outrage when a black liberal President suggests that maybe kids should stay in school?

Say, wasn’t no child left behind a republican idea? So what, now it’s ok to leave some kids behind?

What? Put your hand down, I’m just asking is all. Sheesh.

 

Do you ever wonder who votes idiots like this into office?

You do?

Well wonder no longer.  They’re all over on the Yahoo news forum, lets go check out their comments:

I am not for mandated government control of our schools. Obama is from a system where kids are forced to attend or they get beaten, their father's have their hands cut off, the women are stoned - don't tell me I don't know. I am a Republican

Obama is from a system where kids get beaten for not attending school, fathers have their hands cut off, and mothers are stoned to death for their children’s truancy.  Damn, school in Hawaii is harsh.

It is NOT education: It is INDOCTRINATION for the Communist Party.

Oh noes! Communists! Communists!  Help us Tailgunner Joe!

Question, the countries that are beating us economically right now? China, for example, aren’t they communist?  Isn’t India socialist?  Hey! You stop that right now. No spitting.

the Dems only hope to get anyone off the welfare rolls is to force them to stay in school and somehow learn enough to get them to stay out fo prison for dealing drugs or raping someone. Republicans meanwhile take the approcah that we should elt the kids who want to learn, actually do it. Meanwhile, if you wash out you should fend for yourself, instea dof living off the ones who do stay in school [sic].

The logic, it burns. 

Burns like trying to piss with a case of the clap.

There’s more, oh so much more, but it hurts me to type it. If you want to read more comments on this subject, you can go Google the Yahoo for yourself.

Snark aside, there may be good reason for Republican outrage. And even better reasons why so many conservatives today are advocating for the right drop out of school. 

A new report in LiveScience spells out why.

(Ok, you got me, I didn’t put the snark aside after all. Sorry)

 

Finally, I think it’s important to note that all things are relative, even stupidity. 

There’s never a politician so nuts, that you can’t find one crazier.

Much crazier.

Seriously.

SOPA, PIPA, Good Intentions And The Road To Hell

Do you get high?

I’m talking about controlled substances.

High. Stoned. Buzzed. You know, like that.

Now, now, relax. Don’t get all paranoid. I’m not asking if you’re a crack-head or heroin junkie. I’m not asking if you’re an addict. I’m not instituting a piss test or anything here on Stonekettle Station. I figure if you’ve got a meth monkey on your back, you’re probably not reading this anyway. 

What I’m asking is if you use drugs on, let’s say, a purely recreational basis. That’s what I’m asking.

No, of course you don’t, that would be illegal (so you probably shouldn’t actually answer my question in the comments, for example).

But let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that even though you yourself would never use drugs, you know somebody who does because this is America and we all pretty much know somebody who does illegal substances in one fashion or another.

So let’s talk about your hypothetical friend, the recreational drug user, shall we?

Your “friend” gets high. He smokes a little weed after work (or maybe before work if he’s an airline pilot or nuclear power plant technician). Maybe he pops a little speed once in a while, you know mother’s little helper. Or does a little Oxy (if he’s a politician or a minister). Or whatever. He’s always got a bag of oregano, or couple of those blue pills and a roofie for date night. You know this guy, right?

Where does he get it?

He always seems to have some, doesn’t he?

And it’s illegal, right?

So, where does he get it?

Drug dealers don’t advertise, at least not in the usual manner.

People who sell illicit drugs don’t go around telling people they’re drug dealers, they don’t list “Drug Dealer” as their profession on resumes and tax returns. They don’t wear a sandwich board that says “Lookin’ to get baked? I can help!” They don’t have those little magnetic signs on the back of their cars like the Mary Kay pushers do. You can’t Google your local dealer. They don’t list “blow” in the Yellow Pages. And the cops are looking for drugs dealers. Hell, there is a veritable army of law enforcement actively hunting drug dealers, from cops to the DEA, FBI, NSA, CIA, DIA, ATF, TSA, the Coast Guard, the Navy, the Air Force, and a hundred other federal, state, and international agencies all the way down to the school guidance counselor.

And yet…

And yet, your “friend” has no problem whatsoever scoring whatever recreational chemical he wants, whenever he wants, in whatever quantity he wants. Period.

And if you wanted some, hypothetically speaking of course, well it wouldn’t take you more than a day to find whatever it is that you went looking for even if you had no idea how to go about it.

Those of you who know me, know that I’ve spent some time in the counter-narcotics field. I’ve hunted drug smugglers in South America and on the high seas. I know more than a bit about counter-narcotics.  And I’m intimately familiar with the soup sandwich which is the so-called “War on drugs” and the agencies responsible for waging it.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: the war is over, we lost.

The war is over, and everybody is out back smoking a fatty in celebration.

It’s been more than twenty forty years now since Reagan Nixon declared war on drugs. Forty plus years and billions upon billions upon billions of dollars, and what? Nothing. That’s right, nothing. Not a goddamned dent in the drug trade. And in fact, it’s worse now because now we’ve got a bunch of new drugs and our idiotic, disorganized, ineffective efforts to curb the problem have only made the drug makers, smugglers, and dealers more innovative and cunning.

Oh sure, we’ve burned thousands of tons of pot and coke and hash and heroin in DEA incinerators, we’ve killed a few drug lords, and we’ve got hundreds of smugglers (about forty or so I helped put away) and we’ve managed to put tens of thousands of smalltime penny ante drug users in prison.

And yet…

And yet, anybody anywhere in the US can get any kind of illegal drug they want any damned time they want and there isn’t a thing anybody can do about it.  And that, my electronic friends, is a goddamned fact.

The so-called war on drugs is a joke.  A sick, sad, stupid joke.  It didn’t get rid of drugs, it didn’t reduce drug use, or drug smuggling, or drug violence, or drug related deaths.  It didn’t, in fact, do a damned thing.  All it does is keep a lot of law enforcement types employed chasing their tails.

See, counter-narcotics law enforcement is big business. There’s a lot of money in it. Counter-narcotics operations fund ships and planes and intelligence centers, it buys tactical training and satellite time and banks of monitoring equipment, it funds a dozen three letter law enforcement agencies and government operations and drug sniffing dogs, it pays hundreds of thousands of lawyers and judges and legal eagles and special courts, and it pays the salaries of uncounted thousands of enforcement folks in a dozen different uniforms, it buys the fuel that powers the Coast Guard and Navy ships patrolling the drugs lanes of the Caribbean and the Eastern Pacific, it pays informants, and it pays billions in foreign aid.

But what the war on drugs doesn’t do is actually stop anybody from using illegal drugs – including the folks currently in prison for selling and using illegal drugs.

And the reason that the war on drugs doesn’t stop anybody from doing drugs is because it attacks the symptoms and not the disease.

Here’s the simple truth: illegal drugs exist because Americans want drugs.

Americans want to get high, they want drugs and they will get them. It’s really just that simple. Prohibition should have taught us that, but apparently we were stoned and didn’t get the message.

Until you fix that, there will be a lucrative illegal drug trade here in the United States.

Just so.

Now, let me ask you something, what makes anybody think that a bill as utterly stupid as the Stop Online Piracy Act or the Protect IP Act is going to actually stop online piracy in any way whatsoever?

Because it won’t.

It won’t even slow it down.

At least drugs are a tangible object that can be detected with a lot of hard work.  Dogs can sniff out drugs.  You smell some drugs on people, and you can spot the physical and mental effects too. There are piss tests and blood tests for drugs.  You have to have a lab to make certain drugs. You need precursor chemicals.  Drugs have bulk, weight, mass, they have to moved over the border in trucks and planes and boats or smuggled through tunnels.  And you still can’t stop illicit drug use.  You don’t even have that basic advantage when searching for illegal downloads.  A kid with a bunch of pirated music on his MP3 player doesn’t smell any different than any other kid.  Dogs can’t detect pirated movies.  We’re talking about a collection of electrons here. What in the hell makes anybody anywhere think that they’re going to stop illegal downloading just because Congress passes a law? Especially one as utterly stupid and ineffective as this one?

At best, SOPA/PIPA will be a momentary inconvenience to online piracy – and a monumental long term headache to everybody else. Just exactly like the war on drugs is a mild inconvenience to drug users and a huge sucking chest wound of a problem to the rest of the country.

And at worst, SOPA/PIPA will mean that for all intents and purposes, the American version of the Internet will become indistinguishable from the Chinese version or the Iranian –  and likely worse since we’re currently actively helping the Iranians and the Chinese circumvent their government’s restrictions. Goddamned ironic, that, don’t you think?

Just like drugs, Americans want online content, and they are going to get it.

One way or the other. Legally or not.

Does that mean that I think online piracy isn’t a problem or that we shouldn’t do anything about it? No, of course not. As a creator myself of online content which is routinely pirated, I damned sure would like to see some protection. But SOPA isn’t it. SOPA is a hell of a lot more likely to result in the end of Stonekettle Station rather than its protection.

The simple fact of the matter is that the vast majority of Congress doesn’t understand how the internet actually works, just as they have no idea how the illegal drug trade works either.

There are a few, very few, elected officials in this country who have any idea whatsoever about what makes the internet the place that it is.  Politicians talk about freedom and innovation and free speech, but real freedom and innovation and unfettered free speech scares the ever living beejeebers out of them.  The chaotic uncontrolled untaxed dynamic of the internet is anathema to everything your typical governmental bureaucrat holds sacred.  This isn’t particularly surprising considering that over forty percent of the House is made up of people with law degrees, in the Senate it’s well over fifty percent. Most of the rest have business degrees of one flavor or another. There are a few doctors. There’s one nurse. There’s a distressingly large number with degrees in theology. And about thirty members of the House have no advanced education at all.

So far as I can determine, none of them have a degree in computer science, information technologies, or any computer/network related field.

Or any experience at all working in the IT field.

Or much experience in social networking since they usually pay staffers to do that sort of thing.  There’s no way to determine how many congressmen download music or shop online, or read blogs, or watch YouTube channels, but it is likely that number isn’t particularly high given the average age and lack of technological curiosity that pervades much of Congress.

Other than tweeting pictures of their junk to random woman, or hiring a rentboy to carry their bags on a trip to Cancun, or surfing for gay porn, it would appear on the face of things that the vast majority of lawmakers who are right now deciding how the rest of us will use the internet have no actual education or experience or expertise in it whatsoever.

So, no, it’s not particularly surprising that SOPA/PIPA has jumped the shark.

Of course, Congress didn’t actually write SOPA. Hollywood executives did. Recording industry executives did. And it shows.  SOPA and the Senate version, PIPA, are specifically designed to preserve a dying industry, to perpetuate a model of pre-internet monopolistic studio systems that made a few media moguls very, very rich, but didn’t do much at all for either the public or the creative folks who make the movies, sing the songs, write the stories, and paint the artwork.  This really isn’t about piracy at all, it’s about the death rattle of those very same media moguls.  Once giants of the media industry, now they are as wrinkled and pathetic as Hugh Hefner whining on about how the internet has degraded the porn industry.

Every time I see some thick-lipped studio exec in Armani talking about how he just wants to protect the rights of the poor artists I want to vomit.  On him.

SOPA and PIPA are about forcing people to buy buggy whips long after the world switched up to jetpacks.

Both versions of the bill are fundamentally flawed and demonstrate a profound lack of understanding of network architecture by lawmakers.

Start with the central idea behind both Acts:  putting a stop to online piracy.

Now, piracy, i.e. copyright violation and the theft of intellectual property, is already illegal in the United States. You can already go to jail for it, and people have.  SOPA doesn’t make piracy any more illegal.  The copyright laws of the United States as they exist right now are more than sufficient to address online piracy inside our own borders.  If a site within the legal jurisdiction of the United States is found to be engaged in illegal activity, be it content piracy or kiddie porn or terrorism, it can be shut down and its operators jailed just like any drug dealer in the real world. 

However, the nature of the internet is such that it ignores political and physical boundaries, and that’s what SOPA/PIPA was designed (poorly) to address.

See, the United States has no authority over sites that operate outside of its territorial borders (I know, shocking, right?) – the most infamous example currently is without doubt The Pirate Bay, a media sharing site based (probably) on servers located in a former NATO Cold War nuclear bunker somewhere in Northern Europe and run by a couple of Swedes.  The site hosts links and bit torrent files which allow users to share electronic media. Not surprisingly, the vast, vast majority of those files, more than three million of them, are pirated copies of popular movies, TV shows, music, games, and software.

Despite the fact that the site has been sued repeatedly by both American and foreign parties, and despite the fact that operators were found guilty of copyright infringement and online piracy and fined millions of dollars and given jail time, and despite the fact that the site was taken offline, blocked, and hacked, and despite the death of one of its founders, it’s still up and operating.  And thousands of Americans access it every single day to upload and download the latest episodes of their favorite TV shows, music files, movies, and game software.

SOPA and its even more retarded sibling, PIPA, were supposedly designed to address this. 

Not by taking down The Pirate Bay or other off-shore pirate sites, but blocking American access to them.

See, under SOPA, anybody, copyright holders or folks just claiming to be copyright holders could report a site for piracy.

Then the US government would have the authority to order search engines and internet providers to remove the names of those sites deemed piratical from their lookup tables. In other words, the domain name of the suspect site becomes invisible.   Understand something, the site itself doesn’t go away because the US doesn’t have the power or authority to make it go away, the only thing that changes is just your convenient access to it, i.e. it stops showing up in Google search results and DNS tables. 

There are many, many, many things wrong with this approach.  So many in fact, that it’s impossible to see all of the ramifications.  The more you pull the thread, the more idiotic it gets.

For starters, removing the offending site’s domain name from global DNS tables does absolutely nothing to block access to the site.  Domain names are simply easy ways for human beings to remember Internet Protocol (IP) addresses.  For example, the IP address of Stonekettle Station is 216.239.32.21, which tells internet routers that the data that makes up this website is physically located on a specific server somewhere in the bowels of a Google server-farm in Sunnyvale, California. When you type “www.Stonekettle.com” into your browser’s address bar, a DNS (Domain Name Service) server somewhere looks up the appropriate entry in the global address book and takes you to IP Address 216.239.32.21.

Here’s the thing, you can still get there even if the Domain Name is blocked, you just have to know the IP address of the site you want to visit.

What?

How will people find out the addresses of hidden sites if the easy names are blocked? Simple, the same way they do right now.  Exactly the same way your friend up above always seems to know how to find a drug dealer any damned time he needs a bag of weed. The web is full of hidden sites right now.  Addresses not indexed by the search engines.  Not in the DNS system. Hidden from the view of the average user, but there if you know where to look.  Ask any pedophile or any member of the Aryan Nation.

Blocking the offending site’s domain name does nothing except mildly inconvenience those who engage in illicit activity and it does absolutely nothing to stop piracy itself.

However, for those folks trying to gather information on piracy sites, such as reporters, bloggers, researchers, network security firms, copyright holders, law enforcement, and government agencies to name just a few of the obvious folks who might have legitimate need to search for pirate sites, blocking the domain name takes away the best tools they have, i.e. commercial search engines.

As Homer says on my pirated totally purchased in a store with real money copy of The Simpsons, Doh!

The road to hell might be paved with good intentions, but the traffic on that road is governed by the law of unintended consequences.

Blocking the domain names of illegal sites means that law enforcement and government agencies won’t be able to use standard, i.e. free, tools. Instead they will have to have special custom-built search engines to do their jobs and an infrastructure similar to Google’s.  Want to guess what that will cost the taxpayer?  Get in on the ground floor now and you likely stand to make billions.

How long do you think it will take before an entire black market arises to provide the exact same software to civilians for basically nothing? (Note, software like this exists now, if you know where to look). 

I’m going to make a prediction here, if this law passes and you feel the need to download the latest episodes of Glee illegally, ask any random 14-year old to help you find the secret invisible sites and I strongly suspect you’ll be watching your show within ten minutes. In HD. Without commercials. And 14-year olds work for soda and a bag of chips. Just saying.

Expect off-shore search engines that index blacked out sites to arise almost instantly.  Note that American laws cannot touch such sites, and they wouldn’t be illegal anyway, outside of the United States. Certain countries stand to make a tidy profit hosting such enterprises, North Korea or maybe Kazakhstan say.  Or, more likely what will happen is that Google, Yahoo, Ask, YouTube, and so on, will simply move their corporate headquarters off-shore.  I hear Trinidad & Tobago has a very favorable tax climate and some great beaches.  You’ve really got to admire the irony when a bunch of politicians who whine endlessly about government red tape and regulations that make America a shitty place to do business turn right around and dream up a law that will very likely drive our most forward leaning, profitable, and innovative companies either out of business or overseas.   Really, well done.

 

Here’s a funny question: how exactly would the copyright holder, or his lawyers, know if his material is being pirated, if he can’t see the pirate sites in search engine results? 

 

Yeah, you’re going to want to think about that for a minute or two, because it’s just that fucking stupid.

I’m a copyright holder, will I be issued a special search engine? Or allowed unblocked access to foreign sites? Or will the government steadfastly defend my copyrights along with the millions of other Americans who also hold the rights to their material?

Didn’t think of that, did you?

So, where does that leave us? 

I’ll tell you where, nowhere.

Just like the war on drugs. 

So, we’ll have to go a step further and actually block the IP addresses.  That’s a whole different ballgame altogether.  See, to block actual IP addresses, you have do what China does, what Iran does, you have to intercept and analyze every single bit of web traffic. That’s right.  Basically you can throw the 4^th Amendment right out the window, because every single packet sent from your computer will have to be searched, based on the assumption of guilt without any proof whatsoever that you might, just possibly, be visiting a proscribed site.   There are a couple of ways to do this without a fundamental trillion dollar overhaul of every internet device in the world:  a) you can force each ISP to monitor all traffic from their customers, or b) you can route all internet traffic through a central hub and monitor that yourself – kind of how a company implements gateway based nannyware, only on a massive national scale.

Option a) would turn your internet service provider into an arm of the Department of Homeland Security, and would require that the ISP be subsidized by the same organization because they would need to install large amounts of very expensive equipment and software and hire a whole bunch of tech savvy folks. Obviously each ISP would have to be standardized and any changes to their hardware and software, i.e. their service, would have to be approved by the government. So much for competition and innovation. Also, given the nature of both people and businesses, I’d expect immediate corruption, i.e. unscrupulous ISP’s providing uncensored access for a certain fee that somehow doesn’t end up on the company’s account sheet.  So, then the ISPs will have to be policed. Who’s going to do that? And how much do you think it will cost?  And likely that would result in unlicensed pirate ISPs, tapping into the internet undetected. So we’d have to hunt those. And so on.  We’re going to need a whole new, very large, law enforcement agency.

Then there’s Option b), which would require all internet data to be routed through choke points, just like in China and Iran.  The enormous and exponentially growing volume of internet traffic will require vast, vast, vast resources on a scale never implemented before - for comparison, imagine if you had to monitor the origin, position, speed, contents, and destination of every single vehicle on every road in America every second of every day – times about, oh, a billion.  I would expect that wouldn’t be cheap, even if it wasn’t being done by a defense contractor (because who else do you think would be doing it? Seriously?).  Also, given my experience in similar architectures in a much smaller setting, i.e. secure military networks, I wouldn’t expect your surfing experience to be anything but horribly slow, painful, and fraught with massive amounts of fail.  Just the kinds of things that make innovation and web-based business suffer massive failure and screaming death.  All of which is fine, if you like living in 1970.

One other note, also from my military experience, one of the pillars of information warfare is physical destruction. Choke points are points of vulnerability.  Route everything through a few choke points, and you give an enemy a vastly simplified target set should he decide to take down your network.  Right now, no single physical strike could take down a significant fraction of the internet, route everything through a single point and that is no longer true. A fire, a lightning strike, an earthquake, a flood, terrorism, and no more internet in America.  Of course, the rest of the world would go on while we devolved into the stone age.  Imagine the impact on the economy, but I digress.

Those are some ramifications of this idiotic law, there are many, many more.

And of course, we really couldn’t implement either Option a) or b).  Not that we wouldn’t try. And not that we wouldn’t happily create the same kind of massive, bloated, ineffectual monstrosity that is the current war on drugs.

Here’s a few more things to think about:

SOPA/PIPA would require that sites accused of copyright infringement be immediately shut down, not that content in question be removed, that the site itself be shut down.  Note that SOPA/PIPA doesn’t require those accusations to be proven true.  The copyright holder, or anybody purporting to be a copyright holder, lodges a complaint and the site host would be required by law to shut down the site while the site operator appeals – if the site operator can afford to appeal, which somebody like me probably wouldn’t.   Don’t like what I have to say here on Stonekettle Station? All you have to do is accuse me of stealing your ideas, and Google will have to shut me down (I’m hosted through Google’s Blogger service). 

What you’re looking at here is nothing short of a return to Napoleonic Law, i.e. the accused is assumed to be guilty unless he can afford to prove his innocence. 

Now, tell me that won’t be abused. 

You’re a politician running for president say, and your SuperPAC is running attack ads against your rival in South Carolina and using clips of his speeches.  Those speeches are copyrighted material – or could be, easily.  See where this is going? Politicians would use this to silence critics and rivals. So would business. So would any jerk attempting to settle a score.  Tell me that Rupert Murdoch wouldn’t use this power to shut down anybody who criticizes his media empire, go on, make me laugh.  Needless to say, Murdock is one of the SOPA’s biggest fans.  Think about that.  SOPA/PIPA wants to protect copyright holders at the expense of one of the most sacred rights we Americans have, the right to free speech.  

I know, I know, sounds extreme doesn’t it? Sounds Alarmist. 

Yeah, look at the political climate in this country, look at the number of frivolous lawsuits in this country, and tell me again why it wouldn’t happen.  It will, and it will destroy the internet you are looking at right now.  How many irrational trolls do I get here on a daily basis? How much hate mail?  I’ve lost track.  Just one, just one, of those angry unbalanced goofs would have to make a complaint, and Stonekettle Station goes dark. Ditto YouTube. Ditto Boing Boing. Ditto everything else.

Here’s something I bet those self same trolls didn’t think of: a provision in SOPA makes IP maskers illegal.

Heh heh. Didn’t know that, did you?

SOPA/PIPA prohibit the use of any technologies that are used to interfere with the implementation of monitoring and/or the blacklist.  So, any anonymity tool used to mask IP addresses or hide the routing path between your computer and the website you’re viewing becomes illegal.  Tools like this are used by trolls to leave nasty comments here without revealing who they really are, or to get around spam and comment blockers.  IP blockers are also used by perverts and criminals to download kiddie porn and conduct other illegal activities, but IP anonymizers like Tor, for example are also used by groups worldwide to speak out against corruption, genocide, oppression, and repressive regimes.  IP Anonymizers are used by whistleblowers right here in the United States.  If SOPA/PIPA goes through, all those sources of information, the information coming out of Iran and North Korea and Syria and from within our own government will go away, because without the ability to remain anonymous who the hell would risk it?

The simple depressing truth is this: SOPA won’t work. 

It just won’t.  It can’t. It absolutely will not stop or reduce online piracy in any way whatsoever and may in fact increase it by forcing it under the radar of basic search tools and law enforcement. SOPA/PIPA cannot work. Not without a complete and total radical redesign of the internet itself at a fundamental level, a redesign that would create a communication network counter to every basic freedom the United States of America was founded on. 

Not that any of that would stop the government from trying.

Allow SOPA/PIPA to pass and what you’ll get is yet another massive governmental bureaucracy, another “war on (drugs, poverty, debt, etc),” another Czar, another  endless giant money sucking black hole that does absolutely nothing whatsoever in any way to fix the problem it was created to address.  We’ll shut down websites and kill business and innovation, we’ll jail people, we’ll fill the dockets with endless petitions and silly minor court cases, and meanwhile, online piracy will be completely unaffected.

As I write this, it appears that the online protests by Google, Wikipedia, Boing Boing, and other internet giants have finally gotten through to the politicians.  But you need to understand that the totalitarian sons of bitches backing this abomination aren’t going to go down without a fight.  You need to write your congressman, you need to write your senator, and you need to voice your opposition to this UnAmerican nonsense in the strongest possible terms.

And you need to keep doing it until Congress listens.

The truly sad part about the whole thing is this: There is obviously, obviously, a massive insatiable legitimate market for online media.  If the recording industry and the movie makers would stop clinging to an outdated studio based concept that only benefits a tiny handful of selfish greedy backward looking bastards and got into the modern internet market whole hog themselves, the issue of online piracy would become moot. And we’d all get rich doing it. But it would take innovation on their part. It would take dropping woefully outdated business models.  It would take acceptance of the fact that artists are going to finally get much greater control of their own work and not be routinely bent over the barrel by studio and network executives.  It would take an understanding that people are sick and damned tired of having to wait for media to be released weeks and months and sometimes years after it first débuts. It going to take an understanding that people simply will not put up with bullshit like DRM. People want to enjoy media their own way, not how some studio exec thinks they should enjoy it.

It’s going to take understanding of this simple fact: People want online media, and, just like drugs, they will get it. 

One way or the other.

Again, don’t get me wrong.  Piracy is wrong.  And we need to do something about it. But SOPA is most emphatically not the way to go about it.  SOPA was designed to protect a handful of very rich people in a dying industry. It most certainly wasn’t designed with your best interests in mind and it certainly wasn’t designed to protect artists, innovators, or the folks who actually make the internet the vital future core of our economy and I say that as not only somebody who enjoys the internet as it exists right now, but as an artist, a writer, a blogger, and one of those people who create content.

SOPA and PIPA are bad, bad ideas. They are fundamentally contrary to the core concepts of liberty and justice we Americans hold dear.

Anybody who believes otherwise is high.

Write your congressman.

Write your senator.

Do it now.