Stonekettle Station Answers Sarah Palin’s Question

"How's that hopey, changey thing workin' out for ya?"

On behalf of America, I’d be happy to answer that question, Sarah.

How’s that hopey changey thing working out?  Well, it’s working out a damn sight better than the folksy former governor we Alaskans elected. You know, the one that was supposed to be bi-partisan? The one that was going to end politics as usual? The one that was going to bring big-oil to heel here in Alaska and who promised to put citizens above the lobbyists and corporate interests? The one that was going to end corruption in Juneau? The one who vowed to represent all Alaskans?

You know, the one didn’t do any of those things and then bailed out on us in the middle of her term so she could concentrate on helping America by becoming a millionaire? The one who forgot her bi-partisan promises and turned to spreading hate and division and partisanship?  You know the governor who abandoned her state and the people who elected her so she could sell books and tour the United States giving speeches?  I’m talking about the politician who sold us Alaskans down the Goddamned river in order to further her own agenda.  You know who I’m talking about?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, the hopey changey thing is working out one hell of a lot better than that, actually.

You know, Sarah, I’d be damned careful about mocking somebody else’s campaign slogans when your speeches consist primarily of sound bites and stock phrases designed primarily to elicit applause from the Tea Party folks. 

In other words, how’s that bullshitty thing working out for you? 

Hypocrisy is like that, it comes back to bite you in the ass.  It’s kind of like deriding the president for using a teleprompter and then using one yourself, like every other politician (or news reporter… say, didn’t you used to be one of those? Of course, I suppose you could write your speech on your hand instead).  Or calling out a member of the opposition for using the word “retard” but giving Rush Limbaugh a pass when he it does it repeatedly, and in fact actually mocks the handicapped, solely because he’s on your side and you need his support and audience. 

How’s that two-facey hypocrisy thing working out for ya?

"In the campaign, we tried to bring attention to the fact that Obama had really not a lot of experience. And I do say that my executive experience, as an administrator, as a team manager if you will was, and so was John McCain's as a matter of fact, was stronger and we had more experience than Barack Obama did in terms of managing huge multi-billion dollar budgets and thousands of employees…and that hasn't changed.”

That hasn’t changed? 

So you’re saying that your year in the governor’s chair of one of the smallest state governments in the Union trumps Obama’s year in the Oval Office? How has it not changed? Is that creationy sciencey math? Or are you including Todd’s experience at running the state too?

How’s that whole mathy for beauty queens working out for you?

I’ll tell you what, I’m damned glad to have a president who believes in America again. Who believes that our ideals and laws apply to everyone – not just those deemed worthy by the arbitrary whim of those in power.

"[Obama] is treating the trials of these terrorists and kind of as, gosh, they're on a crime spree right now. No, we are in war. We need to treat them a little bit differently than an American who is worthy, an American being worthy of our U.S. constitutional rights. I don't think the terrorists are worthy of our rights that people like my son fight and are willing to die for."

I’m glad to have a President who actually knows Constitutional law, who taught it at one of the best institutions of higher learning in the world, and who understands what the Founders intended when they broke free of the arbitrary power of King George – and why they did so.  And I’m damned glad to have a leader who has enough confidence in the America that I fought for to trust that a criminal caught red-handed (or red-testicled, so to speak) in an act of attempted mass murder could be easily convicted in a US court of law.  Honestly, if you don’t have that minimal confidence in our justice system, one of the most fundamental institutions of the United States, and you can’t understand why this is so important, then I really don’t want you in the White House.  Seriously.

NOTE: Also, as retired veteran, I think it’s important to point out that I don’t want any President who thinks that US Soldiers are only required to fight and die for those they deem worthy.  We swear an oath to defend the United States and all of her citizens, even those we don’t like.

NOTE: And as long as we’re on this subject, as a veteran, I find it utterly detestable for a politician to use the military as emotional pawns in their political debate – most especially their own children.  It’s dishonorable and disrespectful and it demonstrates a profound lack of understanding of America’s professional military services and any who would do so are not fit to command those forces.  I can’t speak for your son, but you have no right whatsoever to use my service to score political points and you have no fucking idea what I was willing to fight and die for.

And speaking of the military, how’s the war-mongery working out for ya?

You said you didn’t think President Obama could get re-elected…unless he gets “tough on terrorism.” So you suggested the following:

“Say he played the war card. Say he decided to declare war on Iran, or decided to really come out and do whatever he could to support Israel, which I would like him to do.

Declare war.

On Iran. 

In order to get re-elected? 

Are you serious? Or are you fucking insane?

Seriously?  We’re up to our ass in two wars now, and you want to start another one? I bet that’s a real popular idea with your son’s squadmates.  More saber rattling.  More of the Bush Doctrine.  You going to bring back the draft too? Because that’s what it’ll take to wage three wars at the same time.

Also, as long as we’re on the subject, just so I’m clear on it, the President shouldn’t apologize to France when we act like jackasses, or bow to Japan when we need their help to give people like, oh, your son for example, better odds in the war zone – but, we should declare war on Iran because Israel wants us to? Is that about right? 

Going to sacrifice another 6000 American Soldiers to help bring about the Rapture? Going to sell out the whole country for your goofy religious beliefs? Going to march our kids off to yet another war for Jesus?  Is this the common sense you’ve been telling us about?

"How's that hopey, changey thing workin' out for ya?"

Frankly, it’s working out just fine, Sarah.

Just fine.

Thanks for asking.

 

 

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I am aware that Stonekettle Station is on the verge of becoming the All Sarah Palin, All The Time blog, but I swear, every single time this pitiful excuse for a human being opens her mouth I feel compelled to respond.  Not all of us military folks and damned sure not all of us Alaskans are as bugfuck bananas as this evil witch and I think it’s important that people know it. - Jim

It's My Birthday

As such, I'm taking the evening off.

See you all tomorrow.

Tea Parties, Past, Present, and Future (Updated)

Note: Updated addendum beneath the fold.

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From the New World Historipedia, 2110 C.E.

In the early decades of the new century, a popular grassroots movement took hold.

The movement grew out of a general dissatisfaction with those in power at the time, a perception that their nation was declining in power and prestige, that their once dominant currency and technology and culture were fading in comparison to other, inferior nations, and from the ill fortunes of a disastrous war that had been waged for all of the wrong reasons and that had left many of the nation’s youth dead and disfigured and scarred.

Across the nation, small loosely organized groups of political activists disrupted town hall meetings and elections and the business of government. They heckled and hounded and harried officials and stood on street corners shouting their protest.  They staged rallies and conventions and appealed to popular dissatisfaction and a general anger. Their litany of complaints were many and widely varied but in general their organizers denounced the failures of liberalism and the hijacking of the democracy by those they saw as communists or socialists and as corrupt and dishonorable and elitist.  Their concerns included an increased sense of diluted national and cultural identity - for which they blamed an influx of immigrants and foreign influences – a faltering economy, and the perception that those who had not earned their place in society were sapping the strength and will of a great and superior people.

A number of charismatic leaders arose during the first decade of the movement.  In general, these leaders were failed politicians, the disaffected, the rogues, the minimally educated, the local rabble-rousers, who played upon the fears and the base instincts of the general population.  Often they appealed to the population’s lowest common denominator.  Increasingly these leaders blamed ethnic minorities and foreign residents - along with dissidents, liberals, homosexuals, religious minorities, the wealthy, those perceived as decadent or corrupt or immoral including many members of the prevailing political parties, the military, commerce, and industry – for the country’s woes. They denounced the nation’s elected leaders as traitors, communists, usurpers, liberals and as uncaring and uninterested in the plight of the so-called common man. They appealed to the populist desire for a new start, a renewed sense of national identity and purpose, a chicken in every true citizen’s pot through hard work and honest labor, and a purging of the alien in their midst.

These small groups, many and diverse with differing agendas and priorities, eventually merged into a new national political party. At the head of this new party was a populist - attractive, charismatic, and a powerful speaker – who used the new communications technology of that modern age to reach the masses in a manner never seen before, fanning the flames of outrage and discontent and righteous indignation. This titular head of the party wrote a book, a biography of sorts, that outlined much of the movement’s ideology.  The writer became party’s leader in all but name, to the chagrin of others who felt themselves better qualified but lacked the necessary cult of personality, and thousands stood in the cold to hear The Leader speak, to touch a sleeve, to obtain an autograph, a pat on the back, and a picture with their children.  And while The Leader encouraged stalwarts to disrupt the meetings and rallies of the party’s opposition, no dissenting voices were allowed into events where The Leader appeared.  The charismatic leader spoke passionately of taking back the nation for its true people, of common sense, nationalism and the restoration of the country’s pride.  And always, always, there was the message of vigilance, grave and dire warnings about those evil men, subhumans really, who would scheme to steal the country away from its rightful owners, of the terrorists and saboteurs and shadowy unseen enemies, and against the weak and the inferior and the alien and the ungodly.  The crowds roared and cheered and grew and were caught up in the energy and the carefully managed moment that seemed outwardly so spontaneous.

Clumsy and disorganized at first, nevertheless the new party appealed to the common man, the mob, the thugs, and those who felt abandoned by the so-called elites.  They began to influence elections at the local level and it wasn’t long before they began to gain real political power. Their message was a powerful combination of half-truths and popular hysteria, a carefully orchestrated campaign of information warfare that appealed directly to the mob and crushed any appeal to calm and logic. They began to create their own reality.

As their organization increased and their power grew, this new party sought to purge itself of dissenting viewpoints. Though the party billed itself as separate from the reigning political parties of the time, it was made up almost entirely of nationalists who became more and more extreme as time went by, encouraged by their own success and a wave of popular support. The Leader was more and more surrounded by tight group of insiders and became more and more convinced of a manifest destiny. Increasingly mainstream leaders feared to speak out against The Leader, against the Lieutenants, against The Party, moderate and opposing voices were silenced, sometimes violently, branded as traitors and weaklings and counterrevolutionaries.  Parades and rallies drew thousands who came to hear the stirring speakers and revel beneath the flags and ancient icons of their national history – icons co-opted by the movement as sacred and patriotic symbols of the new age.

Ten years after the party organized its first convention, revolution came. 

It began as a night of violence against their own.  A purging of the ranks and consolidation of power into the hands of that single charismatic leader.   Those who would challenge The Leader for ownership of the new party were dragged from their homes in the middle of the night, beaten, and then hanged from the nearest lamppost in an orgy of blood and violence.  Knives flashed and glass shattered. Party stalwarts took their place at the reins of power.  The population took this lesson to heart and remained silent, and perhaps approving, when a month later the party’s thugs began rounding up foreigners and outcasts and undesirables and destroying businesses that they perceived as taking jobs from real citizens.

Then The Leader took full control of the government.

While The Leader spoke of being appointed by God, there were others who spoke of rigged elections and mourned the death of the republic, but they didn’t speak very loudly, barely above a whisper – and for some, even that was too much. It was a dangerous time to speak your mind out loud.

The party’s message was that of small government, of piety and purity, of jobs, home and hearth and family, of strength and pride, of hard work and just rewards, and no handouts to the weak and the poor.  The Leader stood before the nation and gave stirring speeches, promising to empower the poor and downtrodden by removing the crutch of welfare and government handouts.

The poor, freed of their chains, would become self sustaining and productive members of society – or starve.

It didn’t quite work out that way.  The poor, herded into ghettos, stayed poor.  Isolated and alienated and without access to basic services or support, they settled behind the walls into vast islands of misery and poverty and disease. Some rebelled against their condition, they were dealt with. Eventually, something would have to be done, a solution would have to be found.  The party leaders debated long and bitterly about what, exactly, that solution should be. Eventually, somebody proposed labor camps, and the poor were shipped out – work, they were told, would set them free.

Outside of the slums, new cities arouse, shining beacons of light and technology for those who could afford it - or for those who were well placed in the new power structure. For those without power or influence or connections and a party loyalty card, life was not nearly so good.  They were told that they were free and they walked beneath the flapping flags and they heard the patriotic music - but many saw The Leader’s message as a mockery of what once was. Many of those people came to the slow realization that they were living in a dictatorship, a place of violence and fear hidden beneath a thin veneer of civilization.  Their rights were gone, their republic dead, their voices silenced, and they lived in fear of their government and their neighbors and, sometimes, even their own children.

By then, of course, it was far, far too late – and they kept their opinions to themselves.  Many hunkered down and waited for a regime change that would never come, many more attempted to flee across fortified borders – borders that had been walled to keep invaders out were plenty effective at keeping people in too. Walls always work in two directions – a fact that most of the population discovered too late.

Meanwhile the rest of the world looked on in horror and dismay or with gleeful disinterest, depending on which nation did the watching. Many mourned the passing of the old republic and feared what it had become and they took in the refugees until the borders were closed. 

Many knew that one day, very soon, there would be a war to make all others pale in comparison – the weapons of that age guaranteed it.

Very soon the entire world would burn.

 

 

What?

Oh, sorry.

I guess I should have mentioned that I was engaging in a bit of speculation here, a writing exercise, a bit of storytelling, a voice from a hundred years down the road into the future so to speak. Talking in general about how the future might see that certain extremist regime which began as a nationalist movement in Germany in the early 20^th Century, or maybe I was actually talking about that popular revolution in Tsarist Russia around about the same time, or maybe I was actually talking about the fascist revolution in Italy, or maybe the Revolution in France that cost so many their heads, or the one in Iraq that brought Saddam to power…

Why? Who did you think I was talking about?

 

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Addendum

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It’s pretty obvious what I’m implying with this little cautionary tale.

The first part of the story above is true to date, it is the second part (see if you can spot the break) that is the speculative fiction portion - but lifted directly from history.

Frankly this Tea Party insanity scares the shit out of me.

The United States of America has withstood many challenges in the last two centuries, but always it is the internal threats that have come the closest to destroying the ideal of the founders and the nation itself – just as it has in the nations and places I listed in the footnote above.

It always begins this way, small groups of nationalists, low brow fanatics, rabble, the disaffected, the toadies, the religious zealots. 

The complaint is always the same: they are taking our country away. 

The leaders of these organizations are always a fractious lot – because that is the nature of these people, they don’t share, they don’t compromise, they have no intention of sharing or compromising, they’re not in it for idealism they’re in it for the power – eventually, the most powerful will seize control of the party and eliminate the competition, one way or the other.

It always happens at the same time: economic depression, end of a long disastrous war, during a time of political upheaval.

The blame is always the same: liberals, homosexuals, the godless (or worse, the wrong god), the elites, the aristocrats, the decadent, the rich, foreigners.  Someone must be blamed.

The message is always the same: We’re gonna take back what is rightfully ours!

The lies are always the same: revolution will set you free. Revolution will make all men equal. Revolution will make things right.

The rhetoric is always the same and the details are always vague.

When the revolution comes, it is always the same: the liberals, the homosexuals, the godless and those who worship the wrong gods, the elites, the aristocrats, the decadent, the rich, and foreigners are dragged from their homes and hung. Then the other undesirables are rounded up and put into ghettos, or re-education camps, or shallow mass graves.

The new country is always the same: power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Genocide. Totalitarianism. War. Destruction. Collapse.

It is always the same.

I’ve seen it, I’ve been there, Lebanon, Zimbabwe, Bosnia, Somalia, Iraq, it’s always the same.

 

Yes, I know. I’m being alarmist, right? 

The Tea Partiers are simply Americans, they come from all walks of life, they are neither rich nor poor, Democrat nor Republican, liberal nor conservative. They are fed up with Washington. They stand for the Constitution, for smaller government, no taxes, state’s rights. 

Bullshit.

It’s all a lie.

It. Is. All. A. Lie. 

But they’re caught up in it, caught up in the revolution. They can’t seem to see it.  They are overwhelmingly ultra conservatives, white, working class (or unemployed class as the case may be). They’re all the type who pride themselves on common sense and sneer at higher education and the “elites.” They hate the rich and the government and they love their guns.  They are overwhelmingly evangelical Christian. 

If you skim the Neocon curds off the top of the Republican milk, you have the Tea Party.

They are being manipulated. These foolish dupes will be the cannon fodder in this revolution.  Behind the scenes that they have neither the wit nor the wherewithal to see the power is gathering.  Greedy, selfish power. The failed politicians, the rabble-rousers, the extremists are swarming to the leadership of the Tea Party like blow-flies to an open wound.  And that type of leadership is same kind of leadership you always get when the mob forms – the proof is right in front of your face. Look who these people are, and who they aren’t – even the most conservative of the mainstream politicians shied away from this convention.  It is the extremists who are left, the failures, the outcasts, the rogues, the ones who couldn’t cut it, couldn’t get elected or reelected, in the mainstream, and so now they wear their failure like a badge of honor and denounce the very mainstream they once were part of.

If they gain real power, the ending will be the same as it has always been.

Don’t believe me?

Read this:

     THE TRUTH SERUM by Author Thomas N. Tabback  (http://pearlgate.org <http://pearlgate.org/content/tnt.html> )  
On January 15, 2010, in Huntington, IN a gathering of some three hundred American Patriots took the first major step towards restoring our One Nation Under GOD, where Liberty and Justice for the We The People shall reign once more. The Huntington Tea Party hosted a “Stand for Freedom” candidate forum for United States Senate and Indiana General Assembly hopefuls seeking to unseat incumbents this year. However, this was not to be simply another in a long line of well-scripted candidate meet-and-greets, where We The People hear much from the candidates, but come to understand little about where they truly stand. In order that the people would know who had come to vie for their votes, I came to speak before this gathering to issue a challenge to both voters and candidates alike. It was a challenge of Truth, for we must know that we are not placing kings and queens before us, but servants of the people. Watch the video here <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1DIKuOjjZo>  The men who stepped forward to answer the call for One Nation Under GOD, in order, were Richard Behney for U.S. Senate (opposing incumbent Evan Bayh), Andy Lyons for Indiana's 5th District congressional seat, Ron Fusselman for the 50th District state representative seat, Marlin Stutzman for U.S. Senate, Don Bates Jr. for U.S. Senate, and Tom Wall for the 17th District state senate seat. Those who did not step forward, I will not mention. What followed was a prayer for the Lord’s wisdom and guidance, we seven men, hand in hand, along with the entire congregation of voters gathered. We prayed that the Truth would be revealed in these candidates, that we may known the lion for the people among them, for only the Lord knows a man’s heart. Brothers and sisters, this is how We The People reclaim our nation of promise, and restore it to its founding principles. These principles are, unequivocally, rooted in the Lord’s Truth. If we do not pursue this Truth in such a bold and overt manner, then by the hands of strangers, whom we call Senator, Representative and even President, We The People will seal our own fate. We must know these men and woman who stand before us, claiming to be champions for the people, but may in Truth, cleave to the darkness. We must guard and nurture our land of the free and home of the brave, for it is the inheritance of our generations to come. What fruit can grow from seeds sown on bad soil? What tender shoot can survive if left unattended before the thorns and thistles? We need the Light of Truth once more, for then we will know right from wrong and good from evil. It is Truth that neither politics nor ideology, nor any endeavor of man can deliver our nation. These are the things that have gradually pushed our country off the great rock of our foundation, leaving us now precariously dangling over the abyss. It must be the Lord to whom we turn for healing and deliverance. We The People must repent for our desperate and covetous pursuit for the riches of the world, through which we have forfeited the greatest of the Lord’s Commandments, spoken by Christ: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength. Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Mark 12: 30-31 Therefore, remember and apply this Truth Serum to any who presume to represent us, that we indeed, appoint only those who will in faith and firm resolve, fight to restore our One Nation Under GOD: 

• He or she must fight, incessantly, against any law or policy that destroys Life.
• He or she must fight against law or policy that promotes and encourages the ways of Sodom and Gomorrah.
• He or she must fight against any law or policy requiring We The People to deny Christ The Lord, and makes unwelcome any symbol or expression of our faith in our public square.

  It will not take millions of Americans marching on Washington, DC to restore our nation to its people, but just one American. It will not take millions shouting out in protest, but one who is willing to speak boldly the Truth where most inconvenient. It will not take millions to arise from their slumber, but one, who will see the grass for what it is, who will submit to the Lord’s will, who will dare to challenge the establishment of power, and who will bend no knee to a king. It will not take millions of Americans, but YOU, fully awake, ablaze with courage and confidence in the Lord, to compel the great king and queen to bow before the Lord. Let your voice be the next to boldly proclaim the Truth before any who wish to steward our great nation. Let no man or woman who presumes to represent you deny Truth. Let them step forward in the name of the Lord and stand tall for One Nation Under GOD. Let them testify to their spirit and determination to undo all the wrong that has been done in the name of the world, which their predecessors so faithfully served. Let We The People bear witness to the man or woman of Truth, if there be one among them. Let us beseech the wisdom and revealing spirit of the Lord that we may not merely see, but perceive, not only hear, but understand. It must be that only a candidate of Truth may earn our votes. If no candidate of Truth will come forward, then we must turn to Christ The Lord, and write in His name in their place. In this way, We The People will ensure that Truth, Justice and Liberty will be preserved for our children and many generations to come. God Bless Your New Year And Always Speak The Truth!  

Don’t believe me?

Listen to the speeches, listen to the speakers at the Tea Party convention.

Don’t believe me?

Visit the websites of the Tea Party Nation and read what they have to say. See who they hate. See who they blame. See what they promise.

Then compare them to the revolutionary movements of history, especially the one that began in Germany in the first part of the last century.

If you can’t see the parallels, if it doesn’t alarm you – all of you, everywhere in the world - then you are a fool.

 

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* Tip of the tea cup to Nathan, who forwarded the Tabback screed to me.

Things That Chap My Ass About Letters to the Editor…

…or, Who Let These Nuts Out Of The Asylum?

 

I’ve always read the letters to the editor.

Crazy people are like crack to me, I like to know what they’re thinking.

Or not thinking, as the case may be.

I like to watch the warped and twisted cogs spinning unclutched inside their knobby skulls. Crazy is to me like car crashes are to commuters, I have to slow down and stare. I can’t help it. I find cranks fascinating.

I’ve been watching cranks for a long, long time.  Used to be that in order to be a real serious crank you had to put some effort into it. Not everybody could be a crank, only the most dedicated rose above the general background noise, lone wolves, proud of their crazy, solitary and aloof.  In the old days, cranks had to work at it, they had to prepare, they had to train.  There were supplies involved and planning.  You had to write your rambling outraged complaint down on paper.  You needed envelopes and rubber gloves (to insert the anthrax spores without poisoning yourself). And you had to sneak by the newspaper’s drop box in the middle of the night without attracting security and… Um, well, never mind. Let just say it took real effort, that’s what I’m getting at here. You had to be dedicated.  Writing a fruitcake letter to the editor wasn’t a job for sissies.

Nowadays, crazy is a dime a dozen.

Any idiot with an internet connection can comment on the news.  And folks, there are just way, way too many idiots with computers out there these days. The quality of the cranks has declined.  I miss the old days, the stately crank, alone on the America plains, fortified by strong whiskey and theories about the Lone Gunman.  But as civilization has advanced, as newspapers have moved into the virtual world we’ve destroyed the crank’s natural habit and the barriers that once kept the cranks in check. Barriers that once only allowed the strong to survive.  As a result they’ve bred willy-nilly and prospered and multiplied with abandon, like pythons in the Everglades and alligators in the sewer.  Unfortunately, because the crank gene pool was so small to begin with, many cranks today are inbred. You see them, lurking outside of discount liquor stores and around free WiFi hotspots, one big bloodshot eye, one small, hunched and misshapen, clad only in natural fibers and smelling vaguely of ammonia. Poor unvaccinated second cousins to the great cranks of the past.

If you try to approach one, they snarl and spit and emit a foul oily excretion upon their skins. 

Left alone, they fornicate and form Tea Parties and post strange comments on the electronic broadsides of this new age.

Observe:

Baaaaaaa! Sheeple.  Pick any article involving the US Constitution’s 2nd Amendment and I guarantee you that within the first three frothy comments you’ll see this term used to describe everybody who isn’t prepared to barricade themselves inside the militia compound dining hall and fight to the death against the illegal jackbooted fascists who’ve taken America away from good God Fearin’ Christians.   But you’ll also see it used by the other side with the same alarming degree of frequency. On the Indy channel, some punctuation challenged hillbilly using an anonymous guest login says:

“He's nothing but a fricking HICK! A plumber running for senator??!! YEEE-HAW! ‘If it ain't gonna go my way, I'm cleaning my guns’ attitude. And you 'sheeple' complain about Bayh??!! Be careful for what you wish for!”

Guest was talking about batshit crazy hopeful Dick Behney, a republican from Indiana who told a gathering of booger eating NRA droolers that if he didn’t beat incumbent Democratic Senator Evan Bayh, that there were going to be some revolutionary hell to pay. To wit:

"I've got news for Barack Hussein Obama and, in my case, Evan Bayh. In 2010, we ain't calling you out, we're throwing you out. Because, if we don't see new faces, I'm cleaning my guns and getting ready for the big show, and I'm serious about that."

Note: When later questioned by the Secret Service after a YouTube video of his statement surfaced on the web, it turned out he wasn’t, in fact, actually serious about that after all. 

Note: the term “sheeple” is enhanced by being used in sentences that contain lots of exclamation points.

Look, bottom line, unless the article refers to a West Texan’s girlfriend, please refrain from using the term “sheeple.”

Oh, yes, one other thing as long as we’re on this subject. Barack Hussein Obama. Hussein. Got it.  The President’s middle name is Hussein. Wow. Profound. Thank you for pointing that out. Again.

And again.

And again.

And yet again.

Seriously, Teabag People, just stop it.  Repeatedly stressing “Hussein” over and over ad nauseum is just about as clever as condemning everybody named Charlie as a Vietcong sleeper agent, or everybody name Karl as a dirty red commie.  Unless you’re prepared to proclaim every Puerto Rican named Jesus as the second coming, please just stop it.

This isn’t news! Why don’t you people report the news? Why is this even important? Why won’t you publish real news? It could be a story about oil prices, or the elections, or Secretary Clinton’s latest overseas meeting with His Royal Assholiness of Bumfuckistan, it could be a note about Glenn Beck’s latest personality malfunction, or an article about how space aliens in shiny Al Qaida propeller hats and suicide belts just drove the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile into the Chase Manhattan lobby with Dick Cheney’s naked carcass strapped to the hood and handed the teller a note demanding Bernie Madoff’s unconditional release and installation as Grand World Bikini Barista for Life – some terminally welfared double-wide dweller from Cousinhumpton, America will look up from his TaterTot and Marlboro salad to complain loudly about the lack of real news.  He never tells you what real news is, but he sure knows what it’s not.

They’re Ruining Our Country Is What They’re Doin’! [Pick your Partisan: Commie Liberals, Fascist Conservatives] are ruining our country!  It’s an outrage! CNN ran a story about Newt Gingrich and how he’s thinking about being President in 2012. Now this is crazy enough as it is, but then in the comments both sides predictably crawled out from under the furniture, waving their little pipe-cleaner arms and shaking their horny fists, and began furiously banging on the keyboard accusing them of stealing the country.

“Liberals are the funniest people I have ever met....LOL...I would take Mickey Mouse over Obama in a heart beat...wait until all these tax hikes start to take a toll on all of you and then you'll sing a different tune. At least I hope you would but many of you appear to be too brainwashed by the "Mesiah's" great oral presence to notice...The guy could talk himself into the White House...Oh wait that's just what he did...”

and

“WHY WHY WHY do we have to listen to the incessant chatter of Republicans all the time about what they're going to do in the next election, and who's running, etc etc.”

Note: Please, for the love of all that is holey (Hey, I love Swiss cheese), can we please, please, please, stop using LOL to express derision and contempt? In fact, let’s just say that if you use LOL for such things it’s the same as admitting you’re an obnoxious moron who smells of your own excrement. 

Help Me, Lord Xenu! Speaking of people covered in their own excrement, how about the Jeeber Freaks who see every comment box on the Internet as a pulpit from which to witness to the sinful masses? These goofy bastards are like an AmWay salesmen with OCD and late stage syphilis.  Seriously here, does holy water dissolve your brain?  Does devouring the symbolic (but absolutely real) flesh of your messiah give you Kuru, the laughing madness caused by spongiform encephalitis that New Guinea Fore cannibals get from eating people? Because, damn, folks these people make no sense whatsoever. In that same CNN Gingrich story linked to above, some holy roller with Jesus in his underpants says:

Mission to Accountability to the Truth...
Truth is by hearing and hearing is by the Word of God...
Jesus Christ our Savior told us the truth.........
It is proven all mankind is vulnerable to sin and in need of a savior

There’s more, but you can follow the link if you want to read it. This silly bastard wants “all citizens” to acknowledge the “Providence of a Sovereign God of the universe.”  How this relates to Gingrich’s run for the White House in 2012 is utterly beyond me.  The kind of people to whom that cryptic Christobabble makes sense scare the shit out of me.  Seriously, playing a KISS album backward has a more benign message.  These are exactly the kind of crazy fuckers who used to dress up in robes and funny hats and BBQ people at the stake or extract some poor bastard’s entrails with red hot tongs in order to demonstrate their God’s infinite love and blessed  forgiveness. Read the comments under any article about abortion, these people are like something out of a Stephen King novel that involves Kansas, corn fields, jars full of mutated fetuses, and Carnie folk.

OMG!!!!!! That’s so terrible!!!!!!   Look, this needs to stop right now.  Just like LOL, OMG needs to fade into the dusty cached copy archives.  Also, one exclamation point is sufficient, no exclamation point is better.  Of course, anybody who begins a comment with OMG!!!!! will continue by putting themselves into the story.  These people suffer from over-identification with, well, basically everything.  OMG!!!! This is exactly like that one time at band camp when some guy I didn’t know was accidently vaporized by space aliens wearing suicide belts and driving a wienermobile!!! So I totally sympathize with the person in this article who had their lawn-jockey stolen by tricker-treaters!!!!

Or how about Overreactors? This is an OUTRAGE! Kill them all, let God sort it out! I bet they were communists too! Or illegal immigrants! Or Muslim Atheist Terrorists! Or space aliens in a wienermobile! Which, of course, opens the door for The Conspiracy Nuts. Write a national news article about vaccines and Bill Gates and see what kind of woowoo comes oozing out of the internet…

Then there is the story about a dying woman who wanted a real Church wedding.  The poor woman has terminal lymphoma and she’s not going to live much longer, the story explained how her dying wish was to renew her vows with her husband of eighteen years in a church with her two children in attendance.  A commenter offered this helpful observation:

“Victoria, I don't want you to die. I want you and your loving husband to be together for many more years. Sweetie, there is a cure for cancers - it's just been suppressed by the government and 'special interests'. Please, for your life, check out a documentary called "Run From The Cure". A canadian by the name of Rick Simpson has been curing people with various cancers who were very close to death. Please, check it out, and God bless” [sic]. 

Yes. Indeed, God bless you - hopefully with some spontaneous remission instead of smiting you with a big bolt of stupid like this cud chewing moron.

The Ox is slow, but the Earth is patient. On the Cafferty File when Jack asked his commenters if state of the Union addresses even matter to Americans anymore, some goof with an overinflated sense of his own intellect and calling himself The Broker responded with:

"Only the living can still process, analise[sic], that past. And still get it wrong, 50% of the time"

Well that’s just…wait…what?  I get enough of these nonsensical bizarroworld non sequiturs from reading the transcripts of Sarah Palin interviews – any Sarah Palin interview. And speaking of that, meet The 8th grader: Dumbocrats! Fiberals Republitards! Republofascists! Obamacare! Obamanation!!  It’s nice that the kids are participating in the process.  And as long as they’re here, maybe Sally could tell Billy to ask Cindy to ask Becky if she’ll go to the dance with me?

Offended Racists: Under an article about hazing at a Rutgers University sorority some halfwit named mike-a-white pipes up with: 

“Why doesn't the article state that SGR [Sigma Gamma Rho] is an African-American sorority? What are they trying to hide?”

What indeed? You’re certainly not hiding anything, are you, Mike?

And finally, Any Port in a Storm: The guy that’s angry about something totally unrelated to the story and twists the comments to push his own agenda.  Like HOOTWOOTEN who manages to connect an ADN article about a marauding pervert and a rash of attempted kidnappings of young girls in Anchorage to why it’s a dirty rotten shame that the ganja is illegal,

“I am sure that there is a Marijuana growing operation somewhere that will take precedence over this incident... after all keeping Marijuana off the streets keeps everyone safe from everything... right?”

Exactly, Doobie Breath.

Pot: helping focus concentration since…wait, what were we talking about?

Hey! Is that the Wienermobile?

Duuuuuude!

Sarah Palin is a Big Fat Hypocrite

Update: My two most recent statements in the comments section should clarify my thinking on this post.

---

Sarah Palin is upset.

She wants the White House Chief of Staff fired.

Seems Rahm Emmanuel used the word “retard.”

Oh, the horror! Oh, the outrage!

Emmanuel reportedly responded to some ideas floated by fellow democrats as “fucking retarded” during a white house strategy session.

Palin, whose youngest kid is retarded, was mortified.  Her feelings were hurt.  She was horrified.  She was appalled. She was mortally offended by the use of the word “retard” and wrote on her facebook page that Emanuel's epitaph was "heartbreaking" and said his "degrading scolding" has been "completely ignored by the White House."  She went on to say, "Just as we'd be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the ‘N-word’ or other such inappropriate language, Rahm’s slur on all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities, and the people who love them, is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.” [emphasis mine]

I love the way she managed to divert the manufactured insult onto herself with that “…and the people who love them…” aside.  Wonderful bit of propaganda for her facebook toadies, that. The fact that it was completely fabricated in Palin’s fuzzy little mind is apparently beside to point.  I read the transcript, I couldn’t find where Emmanuel said, “and a pox on those who love the little pinheads too.”  But, hey, it’s all about Sarah, right? The self centered beauty queen will use any opportunity for attention, even her own handicapped child. 

Yes, Emmanuel’s comment was coarse and perhaps thoughtless, but Palin’s self centered narcissism is downright despicable.

Palin went on to say, “Rahm is known for his caustic, crude references about those with whom he disagrees, but his recent tirade against participants in a strategy session was such a strong slap in many American faces that our president is doing himself a disservice by seeming to condone Rahm’s recent sick and offensive tactic.”

What’s this? Sick and offensive? Really?

Sarah Palin is offended by the use of the word “retard” and sickened by Emmanuel’s reported likening of his own lousy bowling ability to the Special Olympics? Palin is criticizing somebody else for attacking those whom they disagree with?   Palin wants a man fired for using words she finds offensive?  Are you kidding me?

Bawahahahahahahahahaha!

Would it have been OK if instead of calling fellow democrats retarded, Emmanuel had referred to them as “terrorists” or “Arabs” or “Kenyans” or maybe “traitors?” Because apparently when it’s Palin who is making the “caustic, crude references” about those she disagrees with, well, that’s just common sense politics. Right?

What a load of moose manure.

It’s hysterical when the shoe is on the Conservative foot, isn’t it? 

It’s just so goddamned funny how being offended by a liberal’s hateful or demeaning or thoughtless speech somehow isn’t political correctness.  Funny how it’s not politically correctness when it’s Palin’s kid, isn’t it? When a Conservative is offended, I mean.

Funny how Palin thinks minorities in America should just suck it up and stop being so sensitive, how they should accept discrimination and ethnic profiling and nationalistic insults without protest, but when it comes to Palin’s little drooler, well, then politically correct outrage is just fine.  Just fine indeed. Yes, as long as you’re a Conservative, or a Teabagger, or a Neocon.

It’s funny how when it’s Palin and her supporters who toss off thoughtless insults regarding the mental health of their enemies – e.g. Liberalism is a Mental Illness! – it’s somehow OK.  Liberals should just suck that shit up, get a thicker skin, don’t be so sensitive, because after all Palin is just pointing out the truth, right? After all, if you disagree with Sarah Palin, you must be mentally defective.  It’s funny how it’s OK to insult, slur, and mock everybody Palin doesn’t agree with, but somehow it’s not OK to use the term ‘retard’ in the same generic sense that damned near everybody in America does – and you can bet spoiled special perfect pretty little Sarah did too before she gave birth to a child with Down’s Syndrome.  

Emmanuel didn’t say, “that idea is as retarded as Palin’s kid.” What he said was that for democrats to attack other democrats for disagreeing with the president was “fucking retarded,” i.e. the idea of further dividing the party was mentally defective. Blunt? Yes. Crude? Certainly. But Emmanuel wasn’t insulting handicapped kids, he was deliberately insulting Democrats who were behaving poorly.   Was his comment politically correct? Hell no, of course not. Deliberately not, just as mine above are not. Just as Palin and the rest of the conservatives claim they want.  The Chief of Staff used the term with malice aforethought in order to get the attention of his fellow Democrat’s and rub their noses in how idiotic they were acting.  Emmanuel made no mention of Palin, any Palin.   Sarah Palin had to go out of her way to be offended, exactly as she accuses minorities and the “politically correct” of doing. Exactly the same.

The difference, of course, being that little Trig Palin is one of God’s children, liberals apparently are not.

The staggering hypocrisy of this woman and the people who support her never ceases to astound me.

And I think her feigned outrage is downright retarded.

One Small Step, One Giant Leap

Forty years ago, on July 20^th 1969, Americans first landed on the Moon.

At UTC20:17 - about quarter after three in the middle of a rainy summer afternoon, there in Michigan where I watched it on my parent’s tiny black and white TV - a fragile spidery spacecraft called Eagle set down on the desolate airless regolith in the lunar Sea of Tranquility. 

Onboard were two extraordinary human beings.

Even as a seven year old kid, I knew just how utterly profound Apollo 11’s mission was. 

Damned near everybody who owned a TV, or knew somebody who owned a TV, or could get themselves to a place with a TV, watched that landing – and those who couldn’t watch listened via radio – and they were still watching and listening a couple hours later when Armstrong and Aldrin floated down that ladder and became the first human beings to stand with their own feet upon the soil of another world. 

It was an unbelievable moment.

It was a moment in time that changed the very world we lived in.

On that night, in that moment, five hundred million Earthmen peered into their TVs and wept at the daring of the species.  Those wavering ghostly images from another world captivated the entire race. Strangers in Times Square spontaneously hugged other strangers.  All over the world, people turned to one another, struck dumb by wonder and amazement.  Others cheered and shouted with joy until their throats were raw.  Stodgy TV commentators broke down unashamedly on live TV.  People stood in their yards and stared at the night sky, at the moon hanging there, and marveled that men walked upon its ancient and sun blasted surface.

They dreamed of how the world would change now that man had finally broken free of the Earth.

They dreamed of becoming spacefarers, of going to Mars and Venus and the moons of Jupiter – and beyond.

They were inspired.

They were awed.

They were humbled.

 

It didn’t last long.

Barely a year later, when Apollo 13 lifted off and shaped orbit for the moon, so few people tuned in to follow that voyage the networks canceled their coverage of the mission, and substituted sitcoms and laxative commercials instead.  Americans were already bored with space, lost as they were in the horror of Vietnam, the ever present nuclear sword of Damocles hanging over their heads, civil unrest, OPEC, and Richard Millhouse Nixon.  Interest roused briefly when one of Odyssey’s oxygen tanks exploded and it looked like three Americans would die on their way home from the moon.  It didn’t happen, of course, and that brief flare of interest faded into the background of South East Asia and the Cold War and the energy crisis and the rapidly souring cultural revolution and the myriad of other things that made up the churning chaos of those decades.

All in all, NASA landed six tiny ships on the moon.  In two years, two short years, it was over.

Twelve men walked briefly upon the surface of another world.  None stayed and none have ever returned.

Nor are they likely to.

The reasons, of course, are many and varied.

Personally I think it’s a lack of vision.  A lack of hope. Of inspiration.  We Americans once dared greatly, we once revered those who dared and flew and dreamed. We were proud of those extraordinary men, and we dreamed that ourselves or our children would one day follow in their footsteps. There was a time when America was captivated by the moon, by Mars, by space, by adventure, by destiny.  There was a time when pictures of fanciful and speculative spaceships, each with an American flag and the NASA logo displayed proudly upon its shining hull plates, graced the covers of Time and the front pages of the Wall Street Journal.  There was a time when every failure was ours as a nation to bear, we knew that space was a dangerous place, and each setback only redoubled our resolve.  Oh certainly there were those who didn’t believe, who didn’t dream, who didn’t want to go, who told us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads in the sand and bemoaned how NASA’s budget could better be used here, on Earth, rather than up there in the sky. They were shouted down.

But, no more. 

See, Apollo, for all its daring, for all its astounding achievement, was little more than a stunt.

We did what we set out to do, and we did it well.

But we went to the Moon for all the wrong reasons.

It’s right there, on the side of the Eagle’s descent stage, still up there, still hanging over our heads in the night sky, as bright and as shining as that day in July, 1969 when it was carried to the moon by two extraordinary Americans:

Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the moon

July, 1969

We came in peace, for all mankind

But, of course, we didn’t.

Come in peace, I mean. Or for all mankind either, for that matter.

We went to the moon to show the Soviets that we could.  We went to the moon as a strategic move, a front in one of the many battles of the Cold War.  We went to the moon because even at a cost of a hundred billion dollars it was still one hell of a lot cheaper than using any of the those nuclear bombs we’d built and pointed at each other.

And we won.

We beat the Ruskies.

We set a goal, and we reached it.

And then we came home and we lost interest within a year, distracted by other battles, by other fronts.

See, governments don’t dream.  Nations don’t dream.

Rarely do governments inspire. It is not nations who explore, who seek the limits of human endurance, who push on over the horizon.  It is not governments who quest or go a-Viking or chase adventure on alien shores simply for the sheer joy of it. There is no government existent, ours included, that has the will and the stamina and the intestinal fortitude to break free of this world and journey to the stars.  Governments are subject to the whim of the mob, and the mob doesn’t give a damn about outer space.

The great explorations of history were never government enterprises.  If left to government Shackleton would still be waiting for funding, his ship The Endurance would be the size of an aircraft carrier and hold no more than three explorers.  If left to government, Columbus would still be tied to the pier, pending a review by Congressional subcommittee of his navigational skills and while the fitting out of Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria kept 10,000 defense contractors employed for the next three decades.  Stanley would have no trouble finding Livingston, because Livingston would never have gone anywhere – and the source of the Nile would still be unknown. 

Governments don’t explore.

Governments conquer. Governments grandstand and stage stunts. Governments argue and bicker and wage war. Some are good and some are bad and some are indifferent.

But they don’t explore.

It is human beings who explore. Individuals of courage and daring and burning passion and enterprise.

It is private corporations who explore, hunting profit and new markets and assets and resources.

If we are ever to truly break free from the bonds of this world, we must first get government out of the business of space travel. 

Governments own ships for one reason, to protect the interests of their citizen upon the high seas.  Governments send warships to sea, and law enforcement vessels, and vessels for safety, rescue, and navigation.  Until there is need for such ships in space, i.e. until there are civilian and private vessels in significant volume, there is no need for government to build ships of its own.

The internet is a twitter with the news today.  President Obama’s 2011 budget essentially ends America’s time as a space faring nation. 

If you didn’t see this coming, you’re a fool.

The Constellation program has been doomed from the start.  Hell, the Constellation program has been doomed since July 20^th, 1969.  We’ve been there, we’ve done that – and America as a nation wasn’t interested in continuing when we had the hardware and the resources, what makes you think we’ll do it now when we have to recreate the entire infrastructure at a hundred or a thousand times the cost? Access to space hasn’t gotten cheaper or less complex, just the opposite in fact. The age of daring, of the test pilot astronaut is over – it’s the age of the bean counter.  Constellation has always been underfunded, organized by committee after endless committee, awash in adminstrivia and paperwork and government bullshit – and really, it was never more than a political gambit by an uninspired and uninspiring twit of an anti-science President who tried to pull a do-over of JFK but couldn’t motivate his own Administration let alone galvanize the nation (maybe he should have gotten himself assassinated right after the speech announcing America’s return to the moon, or found terrorists hiding on Mars.  But I digress). 

Constellation has always been doomed.

Constellation has always been doomed because governments don’t explore. Bean counters and bureaucrats don’t explore. Because when Congress runs your space program, indeed any program, you are doomed from the start.

I’ve said here and elsewhere that I never expected a single human being to ride Ares into orbit.  I have never expected to see Orion falling between the worlds, or Altair standing on the moon.  When NASA unveiled the program and we got our first glimpse of a Shuttle SRB with what was essentially an Apollo capsule on top I knew I was looking at the Flying Dutchman of space programs, cursed to rounding the Congressional moon forever. Building a rocket to the moon isn’t going to be any cheaper or more efficient or be any longer term now than it was the first time we did it. 

We need something new. Something better. Something inspired.

Those who know me, know that I am an unabashed space nut.  I grew up with Mercury, Gemini, Apollo and Skylab.  When NASA named the first Shuttle Enterprise I was ecstatic (until I learned later that it was little more than an empty wasted gesture). I grew up reading Heinlein and Asimov and Clarke and Niven. I grew up dreaming that I would someday go to the stars.  I’ve waited for forty years to look into the night sky and see the lights of Luna City shining back at me from the darkened crescent of Tycho Crater.  I’ve turned on the TV every day for the last four decades hoping to see men and women setting foot upon Mars the way I saw Armstrong and Aldrin do on that night so long ago.

It pains me so much to know we’ve squandered our legacy, that in my lifetime human beings may never set foot again upon another world, indeed maybe ever, that’ll I cheer any human endeavor that returns us as a species to space and to the moon and beyond – even if those who do it are Chinese or Indian or Russian.

I’ve known for some time that America will not return to the moon, will not go to Mars,  will not explore the solar system let alone go beyond it, not while the dreams and hopes and spirit of exploration are held captive in squabbling congressional subcommittees.  It will not happen when the bean counters and administrators smother the spirit of human endeavor like a B-movie alien slime mold. It will not happen as long as we leave it up to government. It will not happen as long as we leave it to these people:

Sen. Richard C. Shelby (R-AL), "The president's proposed NASA budget begins the death march for the future of U.S. human space flight. The cancellation of the Constellation program and the end of human space flight does represent change, but it is certainly not the change I believe in."

Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL.), "The president's green-eyeshade-wearing advisers are dead wrong. And I, for one, intend to stand up and fight for NASA, and for the thousands of people who stand to lose their jobs."

Shelby doesn’t give the contents of a NASA urine bag about the future of human space flight, the cancellation of Constellation, like Iraq or 911 or Wall Street, is simply another opportunity to advance partisan politics. Nothing more.  Shelby’s constituents in Huntsville make up a significant fraction the NASA workforce, if they didn’t you can damned well bet that his interest in the future of human space flight would be exactly nil.  The same with Nelson.  To Senators and Congressmen, Constellation, indeed all of NASA, is nothing more than a cash cow.  A endless source of money that nobody expects success or results from. 

Don’t get me wrong here.  NASA does some wonderful science.  NASA pays direct dividends back to the American public every day, in increased air safety, in advanced technology, in aeronautics, in engineering, in medicine, and many fields far too numerous to name.

NASA does many things well.

But not manned spaceflight. Not exploration. Not commercial ventures.  And sure as hell not profit.

That’s right, I said profit.

Congress should be cheering Obama’s “capitalist” approach to space exploration.  Republicans especially should be applauding the president for his repudiation of socialist space travel (Well, what do you call it when the government owns all the ships?), his slashing of wasteful government spending and pie in the sky government programs, and his market driven approach to space exploration.

See, by law, the one thing our government can’t do is make a profit. 

But private space companies can.

And if we are ever to make space travel a self-sustaining endeavor, then we must make a profit doing it. 

We must privatize space travel and return government to its proper role in such things.  And what is that, you ask? The same role that government has always had in exploration; as a customer and as a provider of grants, bankrolls, support, advice, tax breaks, access to data and knowledge and research and technology - and an eventual share in the spoils. NASA should be Space University, a place of research and development and education, a place where we train citizen astronauts to fly and float and live and prosper beyond our own little world.  A place where we teach our children how to build spacecraft and habitats and hardware.  A place where we teach spacemen how to manage the business of space, of exploration, of construction and funding and exploitation of the new frontier.  A place were civilian, government, and military people develop standardized engines and components and software and a place where we can rent time in the wind tunnels and weightless pools, on the rocket test stands and in the vomit comet. A place where we teach our kids to dream, to push the boundaries of the human spirit, and to seek beyond the far horizon.

If we as a species are to survive, if we as human beings are to reach our ultimate potential, if we as Americans and our allies and partners and friends are to ever break free from of this tiny little world, then we must get government out of space exploration while we still have a chance.

Killing Constellation may end America’s manned space program, but it opens the doors for Americans.

NASA’s vision is limited to the space station.

For the rest of us, the sky is the limit.

Governments don’t explore, but if they do the job right their citizens do.

Latest From the Woodshop – Alaskan Birch Bowls

I probably won’t be around much this weekend.

I’ll be here.

I’m looking forward to the symposium, it’ll be nice to spend the weekend with fellow turners.

 

I’m bringing a couple of my bowls along. I thought you might like to see them.

 

This first piece is Alaskan white birch.  It’s from a large tree that was felled near my house here in the MatSu, by a road crew clearing the right of way for a new road.  The tree grew in the open on high ground, a place with plenty of sun, and as such there was almost none of the figure and dark heartwood grain common in the wood I usually work with. The blank was almost pure white.  Which is fine, if you like that kind of thing.

Me? I thought it was boring.

So I thought I experiment with a little color.

This piece was created using water-based aniline dye, it took several months to do. I’m fairly happy with how it came out. I like the combination of colors – strangely it looks almost exactly as I envisioned it when I started out, that almost never happens to me. It’s about 12” in diameter.

 

This second piece is one of my signature designs.  The carved red salmon are my personal trademark. They accent a lot of my high end work. This is a piece of spalted Alaskan birch burl. The fish are each hand carved from more burl. The idea here is based on the annual salmon spawning migration. This is a fairly large piece, about 14” at the rim.

 

You may see some updates this weekend.

But I wouldn’t count on it.

The State of the Union

Got half a dozen emails this morning asking for my opinion on Obama’s State of the Union Address.

I missed it.

Or rather I missed it live, though I did watch excerpts of it later on the net and I read the transcripts.

It irritates the piss out of me that I missed it. 

I was at a middle school honors band concert.  I don’t mind  going to school band concerts – I usually enjoy them a great deal, and last night’s was especially good – but I do mind that educators (of all people) would schedule a kids’ band concert in the middle of the President’s address to the nation. And I especially mind that it was during what is arguably one of the most important State of the Union addresses in a long time.  One of the down sides of living just outside of Palinville in the reddest part of the reddest red state is that it never occurred to the local school district or the band teachers or the majority of parents that an Alaskan living in the Valley should be even remotely interested in watching “that liberal fascist traitor” speak to the nation. 

Sigh. 

You can damned well bet if it was Palin up there giving a speech the whole state would have ground to a halt, hanging on her every word, cheering and crying red white and blue tears of joy.  Hell, maybe they should have broadcast the SOTU address in the Lost timeslot after all  - since nobody would schedule a band concert on that night either.

Yes, I am more than a little irked. Can you tell? 

Me? I would have assigned the kids to watch the President’s speech and write a report as homework - no matter who the president is – because I think we should be teaching our kids to be informed citizens.  But hey, you know, that’s just me.  It’s probably better that the Palin Teabaggers and the other hysterical dipshits get their view of the President’s position through the filter of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and FoxNews, rather, than, you know, listening to the President’s actual words and discussing it in class.  Conservatives piss and moan and wave their hands about “political correctness” right up until it’s a topic they don’t want to talk about – then they piss and moan and wave their hands about how the fascists are trying to put ideas in their kid’s heads.  Think I’m exaggerating?  This is the same batch of jackasses who raised pluperfect hell over the president’s address to America’s schoolchildren last year, afraid that when Obama exhorted kids to stay in school and study hard he was really subliminally infecting them with the disease of politically correct atheist social fascism and the kids would all end up gay liberal pussies or red commies as a result.  Kids actually had to have permission slips to watch the President of the United States speak on TV during school hours.  This is the same batch of retards who bemoan “political correctness” because they aren’t allowed to refer to black people as property in public anymore – but are deathly afraid that the African America liberal president is going to say something that offends them.

Yes, that noise you hear is me banging my head on the desk.

 

Moving on. Woozily and with a ringing headache, but moving on. 

 

So, the State of the Union Address, let’s see if I can sum things up:

 

The President: Things are bad, but they’re getting better. 

The Democratic Response: Things are bad, you promised us bunnies that fly and fart sunshine and rainbows and you haven’t delivered and we’re so disillusioned, we knew we should have voted for Hillary! 

The Republican Response: Things are bad and getting worse, and Oh God! Oh God! We’re all gonna die!  Terrorists!

The Independent Response: Things are bad, but they can be better – if the price is right! Please contact Joe Leiberman, bring your checkbook and knee pads and remember Joe reserves the right to go back on his word at anytime.  Checks are not refundable.

 

The President: We inherited a mess from the last administration, it takes time to fix it.

The Democratic Response:  Stop blaming George W. Bush, it’s Joe Lieberman’s fault, plus you promised us rainbow farting flying bunnies and you haven’t delivered!

The Republican Response:  Stop blaming George W. Bush – everybody knows it’s all Bill Clinton’s fault!

The Independent Response: For the right prices, I’ll make it whoever’s fault you want.

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

 

The President: We’ve got a lot of problems and we need to work together to fix them.

The Democratic Response:  Work together? How can we possibly work together when we no longer have a supermajority, oh woe, woe, is us. If you’re not going to give us the bunnies, we’ll just go eat our young.  Again. 

The Republican Response:  Sure we’ll work together, just not with you, or liberals, or democrats, or progressives, or moderate conservatives, or party traitors, or Blue Dog democrats, or yellow dog liberals, or cat owners, or hairy legged women, or gays, or any of them queers, or abortionists, scientists, environmentalists, the Fed, the Poor, France, people who don’t love Jesusastheirpersonalloadandsaviorforeverandeveramen, elites, smart guys, illegal aliens, or Joe fucking Lieberman. Kiss our asses, just wait ‘till 2012!

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

Palin: Well clearly what the President, and what I mean is that he doesn’t understand, I’m saying, what the problem is, is well, besides just regular people being hoodwinked by the liberal media elites is that…well, that’s to say common sense solutions!

 

The President: No more spending.

The Democratic Response: Right! Well, except for environmental issues that create jobs in blue states…

The Republican Response: Right! Well, except for military hardware and weapons systems that create jobs in red states…

The Independent Response: Right! Well, except for on me! Me! Me!

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

Palin: The brave George Jefferson, who was a patriotic foundling father of our Great Nation, had common sense…

 

The President: Jobs are good, we should get us some of that.

The Democratic Response: Only if they’re union jobs. With bunnies!

The Republican Response: Wait, that’s our idea!

The Independent Response: I’ve got a job! I don’t see what the problem is.

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA! Palin would have given us jobs already! Common Sense!

Palin: Buy my book! Mama needs a couple more million so I can be just like all of you brave common sense patriots whom I sympathize with so much in this time of crisis that our great nation is going through because McCain’s people wouldn’t let me tell you the common sense I’ve just got bottled up inside me waiting to get out so we can all work towards world peace.

 

The President: I don’t think corporations and Saudi Arabia should be able to legally buy themselves a Congressman.

The Democratic Response: Bunnies, we want bunnies!

The Republican Response: Whoa! He’s talking about a significant fraction of our income!

The Independent Response: Already there!

Justice Alito: Wait. What did that motherfucker just say?

Senator Leahy: Ha ha, Owned! SCOTUS Bitches!

The Teabaggers: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! USA! USA!

Palin: I can see Saudi Arabia from my house…

 

I think that about does it.

See you next year.

Important Question

Macaroni and Cheese:

The kind that it takes four hours to make? Six different kinds of expensive cheeses with unpronounceable French names? A touch of wine, white pepper, real butter, flour, and whole cream. A bain marie for the cheese sauce, a large pot for the fresh made pasta, three metal spoons and one large wooden one. A spatula. A colander. And a casserole dish for the finished product which is baked in the oven under a crust of seasoned breadcrumbs. Finished dish is creamy white and a meal that serves ten close friends.

Or the electric yellow stuff that comes from a box, made by Kraft as God intended?

Think carefully, it's important.

The correct answer may grant you entry to the shelter when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, the wrong answer may result in your gruesome untimely demise and reanimation as the shambling undead.

Movie Review: Pandorum

I kept seeing ads for a movie called Pandorum.

Science fiction. Dennis Quaid. Ancient starship. Creepy alien monsters. Things gone horribly wrong.

Sounded like something right up my alley.

Except, well, it wasn't in the theater, it was on DVD.

A production big enough to have an A-list star like Quaid and it went straight to DVD? You could almost smell the suck.

But I kept seeing the commercials. And they looked interesting.

So I picked up a copy.

It's a strange movie. More than anything, it reminds me of something Fritz Lieber would have written, a cross between Ship of Shadows and 28 Days Later maybe.

The premise is simple, a man awakens violently from suspended animation. He doesn't know where he is. He doesn't know when he is. He doesn't know who he is. You assume he is on a spaceship of some kind, so does he. On his arm is a tattoo telling him that he is part of Flight Crew 5. The locker next to his suspended animation pod is labeled "Corporal Bower." Bower is also the name stenciled on the front of his suspended animation capsule. The clothes fit, he assumes he's the good corporal.

Nothing works. He's locked in the room in which he awoke. The lights are barely functioning, computers and communications are not. Things have apparently gone horribly wrong while he has been asleep.

There are two other suspension capsules, one empty, one is occupied. The name on the occupied capsule's face is Lt. Payton. Bower wakes him.

Payton is suffering the same symptoms of memory loss as Bower, apparently a side effect of long term suspended animation. The memory loss is not complete however, they both retain specialized skills, indicating that memory loss and disorientation were expected and that certain steps must have been taken to ensure retention of vital and necessary skills - those skills being more muscle memory and less conscious knowledge. They know how do certain things, but not how they know. Payton knows how to activate the computer/comms console via a backup system (unfortunately it's not connected to anything else and contains no information to clarify their predicament. They both know that one of the compartment's hatches leads to the bridge (where, presumably, the answers to all of their questions lie) but it - indeed all of the exits - are firmly locked.

Payton sends Bower out through an air duct while he guides the young man via radio from the comms console.

Bower escapes the locked compartment and finds himself in the ship proper. It's a huge maze of corridors and passageways. Rusting, ancient, damaged, derelict, abandoned. He finds a dead man, a member of Flight Crew 4.

Bower and Payton begin to remember, apparently the memory loss isn't permanent. The ship is the Elysium. They left Earth with 60,000 people in suspended animation, bound for the only earth-like world ever discovered, Tanis, in order to establish a colony. The voyage should have lasted a hundred and twenty years or so. They both suspect that it has been much, much longer than that.

Payton tells Bower of a condition called Pandorum, a form of psychosis including homicidal madness, delusion, and paranoia. Payton recounts a horrifying story from the early years of space travel and the first cases of the disease.

Then Bower encounters a live human being. A very, very unfriendly live human being.

Then the monsters arrive.

Full details can be found here. Be warned, there are spoilers; the entire plot is explained in detail. Including the twist at the end.

I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. It was strange and creepy and dark and alien. The director didn't hold your hand, things were explained but you really needed to pay attention. It got poor reviews, and spent less than a week on screen in the US. However, the majority of non-professional reviews on Amazon and IMDB seemed to be generally enthusiastic. This was supposed to have been the first of several films, but sequels are pretty unlikely given the movie's poor showing.

This flick isn't for everyone. This is no Avatar or Star Wars and the happy ending becomes less and less happy the more you think about it - which, I suspect was the director's intention. There are some nightmare scenes, and when you finally discover what really happened to the ship and crew and the passengers - well, let's just say it is a damned ugly foray into the depths of human evil.

As I said above, a very Fritz Leiber story.

Which is probably why I like it.

In The Black

If you're a Firefly or Serenity fan, you'll enjoy this video, set to Alaskan folk singer Marian Call's song In The Black.

And even if you're not a Firefly fan, Marian's voice is well, well worth listening to. She is amazing.



You can learn more about Marian Call here.

Latest From the Shop – Salvaged Cedar Birdhouse

I went out to the shop.

I intended to do some carving.

Unfortunately, the stool in front of my carving station was occupado.

No matter how I prodded her, Shopkat feigned sleep and simply curled up tighter. I know she was faking it, the little stinker, I could see her watching me through slit eyelids.

Fine.

So I spent some time on the lathes instead. I finished up a couple of rough turned bowls that have been drying in the shop for five or six months now. They’ll be ready for carving tomorrow, cat or no cat.

Then I decided to see what I could do with some of the wood Karl brought me.

Several months ago he passed through Stonekettle Station on his way to pick up a sheep (yeah, I know. I did it on purpose) and he dropped off a bunch of maple flooring salvaged from a school gym up in Fairbanks. He also left me two large beams of cedar. I haven’t done much with the maple yet, but I will. It’s beautiful stuff, probably 50 years old or so, and they really don’t make gym floor out that stuff any more because that kind of wood just doesn’t grow in that kind of quality or quantity anymore.

Update: Karl tells me via email that those cedar beams came from the bathroom in his building at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks. Karl salvaged them after they were thrown out during a renovation a couple years back. Figure they are from around 1963 or so.

I kept looking at those cedar beams though, and decided to see if I could turn a birdhouse from it.

Turns out I could.

And a darn nice one too.

The body of the house is the wood in question, still strongly fragrant and smelling of red cedar and not gym sock sweat industrial bathroom deodorizer even after all these years. The top and bottom are Alaskan Birch. There’s an inlay of black ebony around the top – just for the hell of it.

Yep, a good night in the shop.

Uneasy Rider

This song cracks me up. I always thought it would have made a great music video:



I'm not exactly a big Charlie Daniels fan, but the guy can sure play a fiddle.

Latest From the Woodshop – Little Big Project

Thought you might dig this:

A friend of mine has a dollhouse.

One of those expensive museum quality handmade dollhouses that is more work of art than toy.  She gets great enjoyment from furnishing it.

I thought she should have an official Stonekettle Station hand turned bowl for it. It was her Christmas present this year.

This bowl was turned on my big lathe, the same as any of my other pieces (only with a lot more squinting). It’s made from Osage Orange and finished in Tung Oil and Bee’s Wax.