Hate Mail From Jesus

I get hate mail.

Honestly, I could probably write about nothing but tasty bacon and get hate mail.

Granted, I probably attract it to some degree or another, but that's not really the point now is it?

I don’t know that I get any more hate mail than any other blogger, but if you write about certain subjects you’re pretty much guaranteed to get some pretty nasty responses. And when I say hate mail, I’m including comments on the blog as well. After a while you can predict when and from who.

Write about politics, you get hate mail.

Write about abortion, and you will most certainly get frothy hate mail.

Write about religion, you get weird, poorly spelled and bizarrely punctuated hate mail that verges on outright insanity.

Let something you wrote go viral or get farked, or end up linked in the mainstream media, believe me you will get some intense hate mail – even if you wrote about crispy delicious bacon.

Write about politics, abortion, and religion all in one article as I did the other day, get greenlit on Fark, and then see what happens.  You get big dump-truck loads of fresh steaming hate mail – often with the added bonus of death threats. 

Now, if you’re thinking about getting into the hate mail gig as a blogger, there are ways to improve on that.  See, with the advent of interactive media a certain foamy and obnoxious mindset has developed over the last few years, people who truly feel that their rights are being trampled, that they are actually being persecuted, if they aren’t allowed to spew whatever silly horseshit they want on your blog.  Turn on comment moderation and see if you don’t really set those loony bastards right off.

It’s ironic, don’t you think? 

Ironic that when you speak about American politics, you get hate mail and death threats from flag waving patriots who call themselves Americans – i.e. citizens of a country that is supposed to be the very epitome of freedom, freedom of worship, freedom of speech, freedom of belief. Some of these folks really seem to think that freedom means freedom to believe only what they do, or freedom to fuck off to sissy Canadaland and be violated by flannel-clad polar bear jockeys. 

Ironic that when you talk about abortion, people who claim to love life above all things threaten to take yours.  I’ve never quite understood the logic behind taking your gun to a right-to-life protest, but that’s probably because I spend so much time with flannel wearing Canadians.

And ironic, that when you write about religion you get intensely bitter hatred from devout believers who profess to follow a religion supposedly based on peace and love. Why is it that those who embrace a belief system whose very symbol is a simple fish that represents, at least in part, a parable about feeding the poor and hungry get so defensive when you mention their astounding contempt for those self same poor and hungry?  Why is it, do you suppose, that a belief system supposedly based on the unconditional acceptance of a loving God puts so many conditions on that acceptance? Why is it that a belief system supposedly based on tolerance is so increasingly intolerant? 

Your a liar and a pervert! You’re filth writing enables murder!!! Its no different than if you killed them with your own hand!!! People read you’re kind of “nonsense” and think its ok to kill there babys. Shame! “freedom of choice” a lie told by Satan.  Try reading the true Bible again and this time listen to Jesus words, liar there is no “choice” you must accept him or dy for ever. its not the mote in the Churches eye its the beam in your own!!  You’re immorale Obama, Father of LiES who orders child murder is destroying this country not the Chruch. You need to open youre heart to Christ now before it is too late! [sic]

A liar and a pervert?  Sure, but it’s not my fault, see, I never had the advantages of being homeschooled like you obviously did.  Plus, I’m pretty sure Satan was my Calculus teacher.

You’re the one whose position isn’t consistent. You’re the one who keeps contradicting yourself. Liberals are hateful liars who spread lies. True conservatives (example Santorum) are not hypocrites. He is consistent because he believes in God which you obviously do not or you would be dead already and have to face your judgement.  [sic]

A little advice: while the phrase “If you believed in God, you’d be DEAD already!” is kind of catchy (especially if it was in neon comic sans over a smiling Buddy Jesus statue) you should probably avoid putting it on the pancake prayer breakfast posters.  I'm just saying.

[…] you seem to have flunked basic logic so let me spell it out for you, A woman who wants to murder her baby has already chosen to have sex outside of marriage. Because she is pregnant. Duh. If she was married her husband would not let anybody kill the baby. Get it?  So a trans v@ginal ultra sound is NOT “r@pe”  You can’t “r@pe” somebody who has already had sex outside of marriage.  She has already decided to let anybody into her uterus. Get it?  She wanted to have sex instead of waiting for marriage. She did have freedom of choice and that’s the problem. When you don’t chose God, you make bad choices. Get it now? [sic]

I may be no expert on how to pick up women but trust me on this, you're not going to "get it" either with an attitude like that.

Why do you liberals always say “uterus?” do you think that makes you sound smart? Or does political correctness make murder easier?

Oh, it’s definitely the second thing.  In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you chant “Uterus! Uterus! Uterus!” Satan appears with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones so that you don’t have to listen to the little screams while you’re ripping babies from the womb and running them though the Bass-O-matic.  Afterward, you get to keep the headphones. They’re great for airplanes, GOP debates, and satanic rituals while you’re enjoying a nice human eggnog smoothy. True story.

…this [molestation and child abuse] is YOUR fault!!!! People like YOU kicked GOD out of government. You kicked GOD out of school and the public square. You drove GOD away and now we have to pay for it. If you idiots would ask God back into America our once great country wouldn’t be going down the toilet. 2012. The world will end soon and then you will be SORRY. My adise? Prey. [sic]

Prey? uh, okay, but I don't see how hunting is going to get Jesus in the classroom. Unless … are there flannel clad Canadians involved?  

You said it boggles your little atheist monkey brain?  Well it boggles my mind that that people like you cant see what God is putting right in front of you, the country is falling apart, we have a president who hates America and isn’t even an American citizen. And no its not because he is black. It’s exactly like God predicted. The economy is worse then the great Depression, people out of work and they kill their own children!  What’s wrong with you? Why do you hate God so much? Do you think that killing unborn babies will make the economy better? I think too much war messed up your monkey brain. [sic]

I have a couple of funny stories about war and monkey brains, but since this is a family blog I probably better not say anything.

Why do you want to put something up a man’s butt? Think about it.  You need to accept Jesus because you are very sick. I am not joking.

Well, I was hoping if we stuck a probe up you ass we might find your head, but we'll have to move the Bishop out of the way first.

[in the post that sparked all of this, I suggested that men who believe women should be forced to have an ultrasound probe forcibly inserted into their vaginas in order to have an abortion should have to have a similar probe inserted rectally in order to buy Viagra. The phrase I used was “A man should have to look his prostate in the eye.” This did not go over very well with a certain group of folks]

Abuse does NOT happen in the church (not cathalic)  or the private schools, except for some stuff you see in the MSM and that’s mostly lies by liberals who want to teach EVILution LIES in the public schools so they are trying to get the church’s and private school closed.  Jesus teaches that those who point fingers are guilty of lies themselves.  So you point your finger at churchs. What are YOU hiding……Hmmmmm? [sic]

Well, you know me, I'd be the last one to argue with Jesus. We'd better start locking up all the cops and prosecutors and all the other finger pointers. And the politicians. And the ... Hey! Are you pointing you finger at me? You are, aren't you? Ohhhh, get in the sack, get in it right now.

You know, this kind of stuff doesn’t bother me all that much.

You get a couple hundred letters and comments of this kind and taken out context it can seem like the world is full of crazed flesh eating locusts. It can be downright depressing, and a number of you have written to express exactly that sentiment.  But you’ve got to look at it in perspective, there are eight billion people on the planet (I’m rounding off here, it’s not an exact number), and several hundred million Americans. These nuts are a tiny minority.  They’re a vocal minority sure, but a minority none the less. Most of the world is not insane.

Hell, look at the GOP primaries.  Despite all the noise, despite all of the crazy, the moderate is the clear front runner.  Just as a moderate was last time around too – even if he did pick a raving loon as his running mate.

When you leave the porch light on and you step out into a cloud of crazy suicidal moths, it can seem like the whole night is filled with light maddened bugs, but it’s only a trick of perception.

Some of it, like a few of the excerpts above, I find amusing rather than offense. Honestly, how can you not laugh at these people?  Sure it’s like picking on the class spaz, but damnit sometimes you just can’t help yourself.

Some I think verge on mental illness, a mental illness we are far too accepting of in this country, and certainly there is little amusing in that.

But most of it is just sad, sad that people actually look at the world in this manner, sad that they go through life as dim little sparks hating the world and hating everybody in it, sad that they actually think that there's some kind of everlasting happiness to be had by acting like stupid rotten bastards, sad that they are so worried about some mythical next life that they never enjoy this one right here. 

So, no, most of the hate mail and trollish comments do not particularly bother me, not even when they threaten my life. Not even when they cause me extra work or cause me to moderate the blog.

But there is a certain form of response that I do find offensive, just downright obnoxious in the extreme, an example of which was posted by an anonymous commenter on last week’s Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game post:

Jim, you have thoughts that I generally agree with, and you seem to be a talented woodworker. However, your verbal abuse of my Lord and Savior really turns me off. I was once like you in that regard, and am still a woodworker. Perhaps He whom you seem to hold in such low regard can design an event that will help you to see your error. He did for me. Best regards.

Now, the anonymous commenter can whore that up all he or she likes, they can tack a “best regards” on the end, but no matter how politely they word it, it’s an obnoxious bit of douchebaggery.  What this comment actually says is this:

I’m a lying sack of shit. See, I said I mostly agree with you and implied that I like what you write, but that’s really not true at all. What I really mean is that I admire your writing style, your talent, but I don’t like what you write.  What I really want is for you to write what I want to say but lack the talent and ability to do myself.  All that time you took to develop your skill with words? I don't want to have to do that, I just want to take yours. It’s sort of like saying well you know, I like that Tiger Woods, but I sure wish he’d quit that Jesus hatin’ golf and switch over to basketball because I don’t like golf but I sure like basketball.

I used to be normal.  Eventually something happened that turned me into a holier than thou religious nut.  So like those folks who quit drinking or quit smoking or quit screwing around, I now think everybody else must suddenly give up whatever they are doing and become a religious nut too.  I’m sort of bummed that God doesn’t do what I want and just wave his big magic God Stick and make you just like me. I wonder why he doesn’t? I find that very frustrating.  Now, since I am unlikely to convince you to amend your evil ways, what I hope happens is that Jesus just jams a fucking icepick into your eye and gives you a lobotomy. Yes, that’s correct.  All the things that make you you? The way you see the world? The things you fought for and the things you believe in? Right on down to the way you talk and the way you write? Fifty years of your personal experience, your life, your viewpoint? You sense of humor? All the things you’ve seen, the events that shaped your life? The people who love you just the way you are? Yeah, to hell with that. I’m closing my eyes and squeezing my fists together and asking God to just erase all of that, erase you, and make you into a magic meat puppet who only parrots things that I won’t find offense or contrary to my beliefs because obviously I am more important than you are and you should have to be just like me.

Oh and have a nice day.

The friendly tone of the comment doesn’t make it better or less offensive, it makes it worse.  It’s like finding a sugar coated pickled egg on your plate. Like lilac scented room deodorizer over the smell of rotting meat and halitosis. Like a pink Hello-Kitty paint job on a pair of brass knuckles. 

Like a pedophile disguised as a priest. 

It’s downright obnoxious is what it is. What kind of person, what kind of American, what kind of Christian, wishes a God Lobotomy on others?  What kind of person would wish that my mind be forcibly altered to fit their idea of who I should be? The unmitigated gall, the astounding arrogance, the unbounded self-righteous pride.

What kind of world would it be if people like Anonymous actually had their selfish wishes answered? If their God actually exists, maybe that’s why he doesn’t answer their prayers.  Funny thing, Jesus, son of God, all knowing, all powerful, he supposedly walked this earth and had the ability to just zap people into whatever meatloaf he wanted.

So why didn’t he?

Exactly.

But, hey, what the hell do I know, right?

 

The really ironic part? 

The really ironic part is that I will no doubt get hate mail for this post.