The God Whisperer

It was raining this morning on my drive into Anchorage.

I thought it was just, you know, rain.

But things apparently are not as they seem. 

Weather, I’ve learned, is God mumbling under his breath.

I didn’t know, I thought water falling from the clouds was just precipitation.

Turns out rain is how God gives financial advice.

I swear I would have paid more attention to the weather if I had known, but here in the south central coastal Alaskan rainforest God never seems to shut the hell up. It rains a lot here in the summer, and it snows a lot in the winter, the ground shakes a lot and the wind howls a lot, it floods in the spring and burns in the fall.

Then, of course, there are the volcanoes.

And the tsunamis.

God, it would seem, is exactly like one of those yappy little dogs that never stops barking.

What brings this up? Why, Michele Bachmann, of course:

I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending.

Now a cynic might accuse Bachmann of exploiting a natural disaster in order to curry favor with her dimwitted base.  A cynical writer might ridicule her for her crass stupidity. 

But I won’t.

Of course I won’t.

 

Yeah, the hell I won’t.

Bachmann claims she was just joking about the whole billions of dollars in damage, economic disaster, lost livelihoods, thousands of homes lost, whole towns wiped out, catastrophic flooding, and not to mention forty something people dead, all as a way for God to get Congress’ attention. Because, as you know, God is a member of the Tea Party.  

How come God can’t just tap you on the shoulder and tell you what He wants?  No no, he’s got to flood half the damned country and make you guess.  And, stick with me here, Crazy Eyes Bachmann is his designated mouthpiece? Really?

It’s just me, right?

God apparently didn’t realize that the politicians he was talking to weren’t even in session or anywhere near Washington when the storm came roaring through.  Omnipotent my ass. Oh yes, funny, ha ha. 

But hey, only an idiot would take her seriously, right?

Signs in the heavens. Thunder caused by the gods tossing boulders about.  Lightning bolts hurled from Mount Olympus to smite the mortals! Waves caused by Poseidon shaking his trident. Sickness is a divine pox upon mankind, perhaps if we beat our flesh with whips we can appease God and stop the plague.

Ooooh, wait, I know, human sacrifice!

What?

Oh, riiight. Right. Sorry. Nobody believes that kind of silly nonsense. Well, not anymore.

Nobody.

Of course they don’t. Because that would be some crazy stupid shit right there, wouldn’t it?

Just for fun, let’s take a look at the comments under FoxNews and Yahoo, shall we?

Michelle Bachman needs to be elected to save the nation from crowning Obama, the antichrist, as the leader of the world! He is the BEAST spoken of in the Book of Revelations! Along with Pope Benedict and Satan, Obama will be crowned king of the world by you STUPID earth-dwelling sinners!! America is DOOMED! [SIC]

Oh noes! King of the world! The Beast!  We’re doooooooomed!  It would be funny, except that I know people who believe exactly this. They literally believe with all their gnarled wrinkled fearful little hearts that Obama is the literal and actual anti-Christ as foretold in the book of Revelation. They know this because their self-righteous wrinkled fearful little preacher man told them it was true and he doesn’t lie.  Of course, before Obama it was Clinton the Anti-Christ.  It’s always the Son of Satan with these people. Always.  It can’t be just a guy we don’t agree with, it’s got to be the Devil, it’s got to be the End Times, it’s got to be the Second Coming!  Oh noes!  The devil is everywhere!

People actually believe this silly horseshit.

People just like Michele Bachmann.

Here’s a question, how come if the Book of Revelation is God’s literal plan – which ends with all the bad people getting cornholed by the Devil and all the good people getting sucked up to heaven to party with Jesus and the earth gets destroyed anyway, period, no matter what, because that’s what God said, praise Jesus, then what in the hell are these people bitching about?  Isn’t that what they want? Isn’t that exactly what they pray for every damned Sunday?  By definition, America is doomed, period. Right? They’ve been waiting and praying for exactly that for two thousand goddamned years. If Obama is really the anti-whatsis, why aren’t they out in the street cheering?  I mean, the End Times are here, right? Two millennia of waiting over, woohoo! Why wouldn’t they be voting for Obama? If we elect Bachmann doesn’t that actually delay the end of the world? According to the Bible, the son-O-Satan has to be king of the world, right? If you don’t vote for Obama, it just delays the final takeover and therefore the big rapture. Seriously, I don’t get it, is Obama the anti-Christ or isn’t he? Do you believe the stupid shit you’re saying or don’t you? Which chapter of the Bible is this written down in?

Religion makes my head hurt.

God's message is just not for politicians but for all the world. Read Matt. 24. the Bible is Gods Holy Word. He said in this chapter there would be earthquakes, famines ,pestilences{incurable dieases} waves roaring meaning tidal waves or tsunamis ,There will be wars and rumors of wars. Pray that you maybe the accounted worthy to escape all these things. "Howl ye the day of the Lord for it will come as a destruction from the ALMIGHTY!" Yes, these are God's judgements. Noah escaped because he prayed and and God warned him ahead of time.to get ready. He obeyed and he escaped. Yes, in the days of Noah God repented he made man because of their wickedness. YES! he destroyed the whole earth , men women, yes even children. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. Hebrews 11:7 By faith Noah being warned of God of things not seen as yet , moved with fear and prepared an ark for the saving of his house." Jesus is your ark of safety today. If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus Christ and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead thou shalt be saved. God destroyed all flesh in Noah's day. The Bible says unless he shortened the days there would be no flesh. saved. But our soul can be saved if we believe in Jesus. HE IS COMING! [sic]

Seriously, how in the hell do you reason with that gibberish?  Earthquakes, famines, disease, waves, wars, and rumors? Oh like we haven’t seen this stuff before.  What’s next? An eclipse? Oooh, evil portents! What makes these earthquakes, famines, diseases, waves, and wars different from all the earthquakes, famines, diseases, waves, and wars that have come before? Let’s be honest here, these people have managed to ignore plague and famine and war and genocide and hurricanes and earthquakes and untold evils every damned other place in the world for last couple of decades, what makes this one so special? Because it happened to New York? Really?  That’s the sign? Please point to the chapter in your holy book that says so. Go on, I’ll wait.

I used to live in southern California, earthquake, fire, pestilence, and war are pretty much a standard autumn, if you could work in a little famine you’d have all four horsemen of the Apocalypse. How come that isn’t a sign of the Apocalypse? 

Personal pet peeve: we have the ability to cure disease and stop famine – we just choose not to do it.  Ditto war.  Earthquakes and waves? We can mitigate the effects of those things too – but just like global climate change, we’d prefer to stand in the path of disaster and argue about God’s big magic juju plan rather than take action. You ever wonder if maybe God is just killing off the stupid people? There’s this old joke about a guy trapped on the roof of his house in the middle of a flood, so he prays to God for rescue. Along comes a helicopter, but the guy waves it away saying “God will save me!”  The waters rise and the house shakes on its foundations. Along comes a boat, but again the man waves it away saying “God will save me!” The waters rise and the man is swept away and drowned. He goes to heaven and stands in front of God and asks bewildered, “Why didn’t you save me?” and God replies, “I sent you a helicopter, I sent you a boat, you fucking idiot, what the hell do you want?”

Obama admitted he is a Muslim to George Stenonolofuss on an interview but then George told Obama that he was a Christian and Obama agreed with him. Everyone knows it's OK for a Muslim to LIE to an Infidel. [sic]

Question: who the hell is The Stenonolofuss? Is that from the Doctor Seuss Book of Revelation?

There is no separation of church and state without freedom from liberalism.

I, uh, wait, what? (See how many things you can find wrong with that one sentence, regard it as a challenge)

Michelle is most likely right, but it also could be the fact that Matthew 24 and Luke 21 is being fulfilled before our very eyes! The problem is that the media is only giving problems to Christianity. What do you think one of those fundie muzzies would do if we attacked them for saying what they do About Allah? Even tohugh they think Allah has told them that they need to annialate America, and we just turn our backs on those threats in the name of being politically correct? Michelle shouldnt have backed down That alone says how weak of a leader she would be! Icedently folks, did you know that Hurricane Katrina formed right after this nation turned its back on Israel? Another hurricane is forming today, the day after Backman was attacked for what she said!!!! HHHMMM.....maybe she was right and God is going to spank this nation for attacking one of his own?! Reguardless, its called FREEDOM OF SPEACH!!!!!! Bachman was the constitutional RIGHT t osay what she wants, even if someone doesnt like it! YOU GO GIRL!!!! [sic]

Oh yes, you go girl.  Go out and maybe take an English class. Also maybe a couple courses in logic. Also make a science class or two. It’s been a couple of centuries since not-goofy people actually believed that gods and spirits cause weather … wait, hold on, unless you’re saying those ghostly images on the weather Doppler are, no way, couldn’t be! Holy shit, we can track God with radar!

Please tell me where anywhere in our founding documents it states that there is a separation of church and state? We have freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion.

Glad we cleared that up. Question: Anybody else find it odd that the Framers didn’t mention how religion was a requirement to be an American? Just me again, huh? Sigh.

And my personal favorite:

If any group of people need to be punished by God it is the states that were devastated. They all voted for the Antichrist not to mention are run by gays, socialists and are all broke. I leave out Va and NC from this because ACORN stole the election for the DNC criminals in those 2. Why is it that a blue state wont pay their bills? Try saving, frugality and getting back to God. Either u serve Jesus or Satan, we know how the Demomarxists feel, so hope they all enjoy hell. Leviticus 18:22-29. Read it and weep, Demomarxists.

I think you mean Demomarxist Nazi Anti-Christs!

 

Oh no, nobody would take Bachmann’s statement as anything other than jest.  Nobody at all.

Certainly not her target audience. No Sir.

When God hates all the same people you do, when God endorses your personal agenda by shaking the earth and smiting only the states of your political enemies, well, you know, maybe it’s time to reexamine your belief system.

Ask yourself something, what’s God trying to tell Texas? After all, the state is in the worst drought in a century.  If God sent down a deluge upon Vermont as a message to Washington DC to spend less, well then is the opposite true? No rain in the Lone Star State means God wants Texans to pay more? 

I’m hip.

What about all those wildfires in Arizona? Was that God trying to tell Jan Brewer to stop acting like a douchebag? Or does God only hate the liberals in Tucson? And Mexicans?

What was the message God was sending when he drowned all those deeply religious poor black people in New Orleans a couple years back? Anybody else visualizing that scene out of Blazing Saddles? Don’t move or I’ll shoot the n… No? Well, okay, what the hell was God saying then?

Pretty obvious God hates the ever living hell out of California.

Here’s the thing, Bachmann made that joke in the context she did because she damned well knows her audience.

And because she knows they think just exactly like the commenters above.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s raining out and I think God is telling me to have another beer.