You might be a terrorist if...

It's a basic precept of mathematics that you can't plot a curve from a single point. In fact, you need at least three points to plot a curve on a graph, more points are better.

By now, of course, you've already lost interest. Math, Jim? Math? You're going to talk about math?

Just hear me out for a moment, will you?

Let's start with the curve, i.e. what we know - Barrack Obama is a terrorist. Worse, he just may be the Anti-Christ who will bring on the End of Days.

We know this to be true, we can feel it, all right thinking people can. But, see, that's the problem, there are too many wrong thinking people out there. People who just can't identify a terrorist fist-jab between husband and America-hating wife when they see one. If we are to win the Global War on Terrorism we're going to need more than feelings, we're going to need a little math.

Now, since right thinking people aren't big on math, what we need is to have the math boiled down into a something that everybody can use. What we need is some kind of simple criteria we can refer to when necessary in order to identify the terrorists.

Without such defining criteria you might just walk past a terrorist on the street without even knowing it, you might hire a group of terrorists to remodel your kitchen, or you might nominate a terrorist judge to the bench, or you might even accidentally vote for one to be your president. Heaven forbid, you yourself might be a terrorist - and not even know it! Hey, people discover new things about themselves all the time, why just this morning I found three new hairs growing from my ears that I didn't even know that I had - what else don't I know about myself?

So, as a public service, I've culled extensive Conservative materials and compiled the following handy checklist. Print it out and carry it next to your heart, or better yet tape it inside the cover of your copy of Godless: The Church of Liberalism.

The Terrorist Checklist:

Terrorists are easy to identify. If somebody meets any of the following criteria, it is a distinct possibility that they have terrorist sympathies. If they meet three or more of the following criteria, they are a terrorist for certain and should be reported to the nearest Transportation Safety Administration agent, or simply pick up your phone and say the name of the terrorist clearly and distinctly and the National Security Agency Homeland Monitoring Team (Tail Gunner Joe Division) will take care of the rest.

1) They are black: Any non-Caucasian person is an immediate cause for suspicion. Terrorists come from Africa and the Middle East, and people from those countries have dark skin - except for Jesus, his skin was as white as Dick Cheney's butt checks and anybody who says otherwise hates America. Plus black people wear really big baggy shorts, that's where they hide the explosive belts.

2) They are Democrats: Democrats are Liberals. Liberals hate America. QED.

3) They have not been born again: Only Fundamentalist Christians can be Patriots. Jews, Muslims, Catholics, and Atheists hate America. Jews killed Jesus. And since Jesus founded America, it is obvious that Jews hate America. Muslims have funny sounding names and they hate Jesus too. Islam eats your brain and makes you go crazy, look what happened to Cassius Clay and Cat Stevens - they're crazy and they hate America. Catholics answer to a man in a pointy hat. The only man in a pointy hat you should listen to is the Grand Wizard, and he says that Catholics hate America. Atheists hate everybody, but especially Jesus.

4) They believe in radio carbon dating: Scientists hate America, unless they're weapons scientists - and even those you've got to keep an eye on. Scientists wear white lab coats and keep aborted fetuses in their pockets so that they can suck out the little stem cells whenever they're feeling hungry. Anybody who kills babies in order to suck out the stem cells hates America, and if they hate America they kill babies, that's why Jesus hates science, because it kills babies. That's logic.

5) English isn't their first language: Americans speak English. Period. The Indians spoke English, Jesus spoke English, John Wayne spoke English, and the Bible is written in English and anybody who doesn't speak English or speaks with one of those funny sounding accents is a terrorist.

6) They like Polar Bears: Endangered species are endangered, because they're losers. Jesus hates losers. Besides, the stupid polar bears shouldn't be living on top of our oil anyway, just like the Arabs. Arabs have oil, Arabs are Muslims, Muslims hate America, therefor polar bears hate America.

7) They listen to Rock Music: Music cannot be Patriotic unless it's Country or Western.

8) They read the Washington Post: There's a reason Rush Limbaugh doesn't work for the Post.

9) They just got married in California: God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Anybody named Steve is gay. Gay people hate America and are in league with Satan.

10) They watch the Food Network: The food network is owned by Yassir Arafat and Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is putting the Islam into donuts in order to corrupt our police forces and create her own army in order to take over the world. Plus she's really hyper and annoying. Annoying people hate America.

11) They own a Mac: Americans use PC's. PC's were made by Bill Gates. Bill Gates is a capitalist. Capitalists are good, because when they get really big and successful we can sue them and get some money, which we can then use to fund ethanol farmers in Red States. Farmers are Americans, people who own Macs hate farmers, therefore Mac users hate America.

12) They don't have a yellow ribbon magnet on their car: Actions and personal records mean nothing. Service and duty are just words. What matters are patriotic symbols. Real Americans wear a genuine American Flag pin made in Chinese sweatshops owned by Kathy Lee Gifford. The America Flag Pin is to terrorists like pork chops are to a Muslim, they can't touch them or they'll burst into flames. If somebody isn't wearing an American Flag pin then they probably hate pork chops too. Jesus loves pork chops. If you hate pork chops then you hate Jesus, and if you hate Jesus you hate America.

13) They engage in Fist Jabbing.

Now, any right thinking person can see that the criteria contained in this list has been compiled from officially verified Pentagon Intelligence Reports and Fox News Broadcasts and only people who hate America would argue with the logic behind it. So that makes it good enough for government use, as we used to say in the intelligence field.

Let's run Mr. Obama through the list, shall we?

Given: Fist Jabber.

1) Black, check, or black enough anyway, married to a black woman. Double check.

2) Democrat, check.

3) Muslim, check (His middle name is Hussein for crying out loud and he doesn't even deny it!).

Well, hell, we can just stop right there. That's four points and we have a curve, indisputable proof that Barrack Obama is a terrorist. For the love of God, People, wake up.

See, that's why math is so important.

I'll be upstairs, clipping my ear hair if you need me.