Now here's a fun thing:
Darrell Trigg announced his candidacy for President of the United States.
Trigg is the head of the American Christian Party.
The Christian Party? What's that?
You didn't even know there was an American Christian Party, did you?
Folks, these are the people who put the mental in Fundamentalism. At the moment The Christian party consists mostly of Darrell and his wife, and as such, he’ll be running as an Independent in 2016. Trigg described his prospective administration to about a 100 people at a National Day of Prayer event in Rogersville, Tennessee, last week.
It was … enlightening, to say the least.
If you elect him President, here’s what
Nehemiah Scudder Darrell Trigg has in mind for America:
1. Separation of Church and State will be changed to the UNION of Church and State. God will be asked to be an integral part of the government of the U.S.
The national religion of The United States of America will be the Christian religion . Those belonging to other religions, such as Islam, will be free to live and worship here as now, with their own religion; however, the Christian religion will be the one chosen to form the basic moral principles of our nation, to give it a strong moral foundation, and a right relationship with God.
You know, I've never understood the whole "God is my co-pilot" bit.
God will be "asked" to be an integral part of the government. God? Asked to join the government?
What part of the government?
Seriously, think about it. If Trigg is the president, what's God's job? Vice President? Deputy Under Secretary of State? Surgeon General? US Board of Geographic Names? I mean, where’s he going to work? Satan’s already running the IRS, so that’s right out. Oh, hey, how about the EPA?
Folks, I’m certainly no expert on deities, but do we really, really, expect Him to take a subordinate role? “Thou shalt not have any gods before me?” Remember that? I’m just saying, based on his track record God seems to have problems with authority and he sure doesn’t appear to be much of a team player.
Can you imagine being his supervisor?
Well, see, uh God, yeah, I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday to work on those TPS reports. Yeah, so if you could just do that, that would be great. Yeah...
Boy, I can't wait to see how the annual employee performance evaluation thing shakes out, especially that "Describe Three Strengths and Three Weaknesses" part. Okay, God, pretty good job this year making the sun come up on a daily basis, flooding Florida again, and handing out the random cleft palate and that kind of stuff, but, and don’t take this the wrong way, but this year you need to work on a little less smiting … The lightning bolts are making your co-workers kind of uncomfortable. That’s a problem, isn’t it?
President Trigg is going to ask God to be part of government.
What if God says no?
What if God gets a better offer? Hey, Iran said I could be King! So, Ima gonna have to decline your offer, America! Unless you can top King? Maybe a company car? Corner office? Unlimited virgins and a mini-bar?
2. Public Schools – all schools supported by the U.S. Federal and State tax systems:
The Bible will be a standard required subject in all public schools and universities, for all grades , the same as English and Math.
Each day of school will begin with prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance.
The salary and total compensation package of school teachers will be increased.
The total budget for our school system will be increased.
The school day will include one period of physical education that includes 30 minutes of exercise four days per week.
So much for that part where “Those belonging to other religions, such as Islam, will be free to live and worship here as now, with their own religion.” It’s like Henry Ford and the Model T, you can have any color you like so long as it’s black … okay, that’s a bad example but I think I’ve made my point here.
But I do like that part where we’re going to increase salaries for teachers and funding for schools. That’s probably because they’ll need to pay for all the science stuff, you think?
3. Homosexuality will not be recognized legally, or in any other manner, by the United States government or any state, city, or county government.
Okay, now just so I’m clear on this, homosexuality will not be recognized either legally or in any other manner.
Not legally or in any other manner.
In any manner.
So, logically, you can’t prosecute or otherwise legally discriminate against gay people. I mean if the government doesn’t recognize homosexuality in any manner good or bad, then, hey, must be okay, right? President Trigg! President Trigg! Gay people are getting married! Happy people are what now? No not gay gay people, Sir, gay people, Homosexuals! Homo whatis? Homosexuals, Sir! I don’t recognize that, nope. But Sir! Sorry, nope, don’t recognize it. But, Sir, we have to stop them! Stop who?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve got kind of a Mel Brooks as Governor William J. Lepetomane image in my head here.
4. Public - Traded Corporations :
The income and other compensation, received by the managers and officers of public - traded corporations will be limited to $300,000 per year.
I’m surprised the Koch brothers haven’t taken out a hit on this guy yet.
5. The income of coaches of sports teams at universities will be limited to $300,000 per year .
TV Preachers, on the other hand, can make as much as they want.
6. The legal drinking age will be increased to 25 for any alcoholic beverage.
Alcohol will not be allowed on university campuses.
Alcohol, however, will continue to be mandatory at all NRA shooting ranges.
I bet this guy is a lot of fun at parties.
So, just to review, we’re only at #6 and already he’s pissed off atheists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, the scientists and engineers, gays and lesbians, he’s alienated Wall Street, lost the teachers and the coaches and college students, and I probably wouldn’t expect the Z-generation to ever be legally drunk enough to vote for him – what’s his target demographic again?
7. Marriage and the family will be protected by the following :
Marriage will be defined as the union of one woman with one man.
The legal age for marriage will be 22.
A couple wishing to get married must first attend Christian marriage counseling classes.
Divorce will only be allowed in cases of abuse, infidelity, or incarceration.
The penalties for abuse and infidelity will include large fines and jail time.
Married couples who become pregnant must attend Christian parenting classes.
One man and just one woman? One? I don’t think that’s what the bible says.
Legal age for marriage is 22? 22? That can’t be right. They should be on their third kid by 22. According to the bible. Can’t get married or have kids until they’re 22? What the hell are Southern Baptists going to do for entertainment?
Divorce? Divorce? What’s this divorce thing? Where’s that in the bible? I thought once God joined it together, no man could tear it asunder, isn’t that the whole issue?
Abuse and infidelity are punishable by fines? Jail time? But what about stoning! Has Trigg even read the bible? Seriously?
So, Okay, we’re not running the country in accordance with the bible after all? Then maybe making kids read that silly tome in every class at every school isn’t such a good idea after all – they’re bound to spot the discrepancy, kids are a pain like that.
Also, I wonder if we might get a peek at the curriculum for “Christian” marriage and parenting classes, because that should be good for laugh or two. On the other hand, I suppose Obamacare will start handing out free rods, you know, so you can beat some Jesus into your wife and offspring, like it says in the Bible.
8. The rating system for movies and T.V. shows will be drastically overhauled :
No show or movie will be allowed on T.V. systems or computer systems accessible by homes that contain nudity, strong sexual content, excessive foul language, blasphemy, or any form of homosexuality.
This is going to totally ruin Game of Thrones.
Wait, “…accessible by homes?” Just by homes?
So does that mean we can still access gay porn from, say, church like the professionals do?
If you take it as written, it says you don’t get any TV or Internet if the home contains nudity, foul language, blasphemy, and homosexuality. Well, okay, but if they can’t watch TV and surf the internet, I’d expect the streets to be full of naked cursing gay people in short order.
I’m just saying, might want to rethink this one.
9. Abortion will only be legal in situations where the child has a small probability of living and the pregnancy is placing the life of the mother in extreme risk.
Wait, what? Now he’s going to allow abortion?
Well, there go the Evangelicals … ur, you know, on second thought we probably lost the Christians back there when Trigg outlawed booze, cheap sex, and porn, at least the Catholics anyway.
10. Industries in the United States ( U.S.) that have suffered from foreign competition with much lower labor pay rates, lower employee compensation costs, and lower environmental compliance costs will be assisted and protected. Assistance will include financial help in building or refurbishing manufacturing plants and training employees and low capital gains taxes. Protection will include tariffs on imported goods in order to establish a market fair for these U.S. industries. These tariffs will be used to help prevent inflation on these manufactured goods.
Who does this guy expect to vote for him? Obviously not the Tea Party.
11. The Welfare Department will be overhauled. This overhaul will include training welfare recipients for jobs that match their abilities. The financial responsibilities of caring for children of mothers who are not married will be shared by the father.
Training welfare recipients for jobs that match their abilities. Okay, but how many Investment Bankers, TV Evangelists, and Oil Company Executives do we really need?
Jobs that match their abilities? So, each according to their ability, each according to their need, eh? That’s from the Bible, right? Which Gospel was that again? Mathew, Marx, Luke, or John?
12. The insurance and medical system of the U.S. will be overhauled. Employers will be required to provide insurance for their employees. The costs of medical services and pharmaceuticals will be reviewed. These will be offered at a fair price without excessive profit for the providers.
Employers will be required to provide healthcare. Required.
Medical Care costs and drug prices will be strictly regulated to prevent “excessive profit.” Costs will be regulated. Regulated.
You want to go ahead and make the joke about socialism here or should I? It’s healthcare, so don’t forget to use the word “Nazi!”
13. Illegal immigration laws will be enforced . Laws will be passed to assist this enforcement.
Immigration laws will be passed?
Immigration laws will be passed?
Well, that rules out congressional Republicans.
Again, I know I keep asking this, but who exactly does he expect to vote him into office? I mean who’s left? Liberals?
You know, it never ceases to amaze me just how many of these nuts want to be president, and don’t seem to have the first clue as to how America works.
These people are het up about the Constitution and how supposedly the current government is wiping their hairy asses on it … and the fix is always martial law and religious theocracy imposed by force, because the only way, the only way, their version of America works is if they discard three quarters of the population.
What’s that you say? I’m just being mean, picking on Darrell. It’s like mocking the class spaz. C’mon, Jim, Darrell Trigg and his Christian Party haven’t got a prayer of getting to the White House on anything other than a tour bus. They’re not hurting anybody. That’s what you’re saying, right?
I mean, it’s good for a chuckle, but really who takes this kind of stuff seriously?
Other than one of the major political parties in America, I mean.
TELL OBAMA TO DEFEND RELIGIOUS FREEDOM
Make sure America is defending this God-given right.
That call to arms comes directly from the official GOP website.
Republicans have found another reason to hate Barack Obama: he’s not taking freedom of religion seriously.
Hurry on over to GOP.com and you can sign the petition demanding that the president stop his war on Jesus and start defending religious freedom by appointing a minor figurehead to an unknown post.
Don’t forget to bring your righteous indignation.
What exactly are we talking about here? Why is it that Republicans are convinced Obama isn’t taking religious freedom seriously?
Because the post of Ambassador at Large for International Religious Freedom is unfilled.
Ambassador-at-Large? For International Religious Freedom?
Never heard of it? I can’t imagine why.
It’s a ceremonial post – the Ambassador doesn’t magically go around handing out religious freedom and saving Christians from the lion pit.
The Ambassador at Large for International Religious Freedom is a state department employee who attends international shindigs and tells officials from other countries, like Syria and Iran, that they should be more tolerant and accommodating of
other religions and atheists Christians, you know, sort of like how Republicans are tolerant and accommodating of Muslims and gay people here in America. Other nations mostly find this irritating and hypocritical – pretty much like the rest of our foreign policy.
Basically, the Ambassador at Large for International Religious Freedom is the State Department’s Ronald McDonald, a creepy unfunny figurehead.
Oh, and did I mention that this post was created by a president who was the very epitome of pious religiousity?
Yeah, it was Bill Clinton.
The State Department is lucky they didn’t end up with Ambassador at Large for International Blowjobs. Though in retrospect that’s not a bad idea, because really when you think about it isn’t international diplomacy mostly about oral gratification? You want to get through to fanatical religious leaders, I’m just saying, hhhhhhmmmmm, spit, spit, and then cigars. We’d be pals with Iran in no time.
The position was created by the International Religious Freedom Act of 1998.
There have been three such ambassadors, the first (1999-2001) was Bob Seiple. He was succeeded by John Hanford (2002-2009). In June, 2010, President Obama nominated Doctor Suzan Johnson-Cook for the position, however, her nomination was put on hold in the Senate and therefore expired without a vote at the end of the 111th session of Congress on January 3, 2011. Obama promptly renominated Johnson-Cook and she was then confirmed by the Senate. She was sworn in on May 16, 2011.
Johnson-Cook resigned her post in October of last year.
She resigned to take a job in the private sector, one that pays considerably more than a federal position so that her children could have a “debt-free college education.”
Ironic, don’t you think? The GOP, the very political party who absolutely refuses to address the costs of college tuition is upset about a position that was vacated specifically because the person filling it couldn’t pay for her kids’ education?
The Party of Small Government is angry that a bullshit ceremonial position is currently empty, thus saving taxpayer dollars?
I call Shenanigans.
Last week the GOP sent out the following tweet:
Aren’t republicans the ones always up in arms over states’ rights?
They are, aren’t they?
Then ask yourself something, how come there aren’t any stars on that American flag?
But I digress.
No, no, on second thought, no I don’t digress. Not yet. First I have to wonder just what kind of outraged conspiracy theories it would spawn if Obama tweeted a picture of the American flag minus all the stars…
Sweet Wookie Jesus! It’s the New World Order come to suck the eyeballs out of our little white babies!
Okay, now I digress.
The tweet contains a link to GOP.com where you can sign the following petition:
TELL OBAMA TO DEFEND RELIGIOUS FREEDOM
Make sure America is defending this God-given right.
President Obama is not taking freedom of religion seriously.
The Ambassador-at-Large for International Religious Freedom was established to be the top advocate for religious liberty throughout the world. But Obama has left this post vacant for the second time in his term—sending a signal to the international community that fighting against religious persecution is not a priority. This is an outrage.
In the Middle East, East Asia and parts of Europe, people are persecuted, oppressed and even killed because of their faith. In America, we know that freedom of religion is a fundamental, God-given right. That’s why we must take a stand against this kind of persecution and advocate for this basic human right throughout the world.
Join the RNC in demanding that President Obama fill this critical position now to defend freedom of religion.
Paid for by the Republican National Committee. Not Authorized By Any Candidate Or Candidate's Com
God given right?
So, God, he wrote the Constitution? And then what? Gave it to Moses who carried it down the mountain and handed it to Thomas Jefferson? Funny, you’d think there would be more Jesus in it then, wouldn’t you?
Religious freedom in the United States doesn’t come from God, your god or anybody else’s.
Religious freedom is a right enumerated in the US Constitution. It’s a legal right, not an inalienable one. It’s a right we grant each other as Americans. That’s what the Constitution is, you know, a contract between citizens, a template for government and law. It’s not divine writ and never has been – seriously, show me a holy book with a provision for amending itself, that right there ought be your first clue.
God given right? Seriously? What’s next? You going to try to tell me how God gave you freedom of the press? Or the right to keep and bear arms? You going to try and tell me how God granted Americans the right not quarter soldiers in their houses during time of war? You think what? That God was worried about your right to petition the government for redress of wrongs? Seriously? Go ahead, look me in the eye and show me where in the Bible the Christian deity declares his divine concern for Tort Law. Go ahead, I’ll wait, but I’m going to want chapter and verse and the number for God’s lawyer.
Obama isn’t taking religious freedom seriously? Oh please, isn’t this the self same guy these self same hypocrites have been calling a Muslim, intended as a vile insult, for the last five years? Well? Aren’t they? Who’s not taking religious freedom seriously here?
“… This is an outrage.”
This is an outrage?
It’s outrageous! We’re outraged! Outraged we tell ya, outraged!
An outrage? Really? An Outrage? We haven’t had a Surgeon General in more than a year, but this idiotic ceremonial position, that’s the outrage?
There are currently 77 federal judicial vacancies. Seventy-seven. Some of them have been held up by republicans in congress for more than five years, you know federal judges, those people responsible for adjudicating matters of religious freedom. In 2013, Senate republicans repeatedly blocked the President’s appointments to the US court for appeals for the District of Columbia, the second most powerful court in the US after the Supreme Court, leaving three of its eleven seats empty.
There are currently more than 200 federal appointments, including more than 90 major positions, vacant or filled by interim administrators because Senate republicans have repeatedly blocked any appointment from Obama.
But this, this powerless figurehead, that’s what conservatives are mad about.
I’d like to see Obama nominate a Muslim or a Native American animist for the position, see what the GOP says about religious freedom then.
The simple truth of the matter is this, when these people talk about religious freedom, they’re not talking about the religious freedoms enumerated in the Bill of Rights, they’re talking about the kind of religious “freedom” described by Darrell Trig.
And as laughable as Trigg’s candidacy is, it’s not all that far fetched in the modern GOP.
And suddenly, it’s not so funny, is it?