“God is giving a plan I think to me that is not really a plan … the problem is that I think the plan that the Lord would have us follow is hard for people to understand. Because of my track record with you who have been here for a long time, because of my track record with you, I beg of you to help me get this message out and I beg of you to pray for clarity on my part.” Glenn Beck, “The Glenn Beck Program” April 20, 2010
First he told us that if we didn’t like it, we could just get out.
When it turned out that we weren’t moving to sissy Canadaland, he declared that he and his pals were going to take back “their” country.
He even held a big rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and proclaimed the restoration of America – in his image.
Of course, it didn’t exactly pan out that way.
So now, rather than admit his assholery, rather than agree to live with the rest of us and stop acting the fool, Glenn Beck has announced plans to crawl into his own belly button.
Beck proposes to "go Galt" in the style of Atlas Shrugged.
Welcome to Independence, USA.
Independence, USA. It's a serious little community of stern faced libertarians, white picket fences, and a tidy little town square. A place where endless electricity falls like magic snow from the sky and the citizens walk about with pistols on their hip. Here in this Randian paradise there is no law, no government, no taxes, no crime, each man is a sovereign island unto himself, unfettered by the sucking socialist burden of civilization.
Think EPCOT Center crossed with Leave It To Beaver...
...if the Community of Tomorrow was built by Jim Jones instead of Walt Disney, and The Beav was the chain smoking bastard offspring of Ayn Rand and BoBo The Drooling Monkey Boy.
Glenn Beck announced earlier this week that he intends to found himself a new town, Independence, USA. You’ve heard of a City-State? Think Bunker-State and you’ll be in the right ballpark, Independence will be part planned community, part theme park, part Colonial Williamsburg gets ass raped by the Creation Museum. Beck claims that it will be a community built on the “principles of the free market” where families can find “happiness, inspiration, courage, and hope.” According to Beck’s website, The Blaze:
Glenn believes that he can bring the heart and the spirit of Walt’s early Disneyland ideas into reality.
That rumbling sound you hear is Walt Disney’s frozen head spinning in its vat of liquid nitrogen deep in the secret vaults below Tomorrowland.
Beck goes on to say:
Independence, USA wouldn’t be about rides and merchandise, but would be about community and freedom…
So, it is like Disneyland after all, but without any of the fun stuff.
It’s not about rides and merchandise.
It’s about the principles of the free market – because Disney isn’t a giant free market money making machine designed to transmute little princess dreams into ingots of warm yellow capitalism.
It’s not about the merchandise. It’s not about the money.
This from a guy who has spent his entire career reducing the founding concepts of America down to little more than simpleminded marketing gimmicks that are the philosophical equivalent of mouse ears. Right. I give Independence, USA two weeks before Dittoheads in giant cartoon Tom Jefferson suits are hawking Glenn Beck Fudge Bars from carts on the corners for $4.95 a pop.
Apparently, Beck drew inspiration for his own personal town from Galt’s Gulch (AKA “Atlantis” or “Mulligan’s Valley”), the mystical place high in the Colorado Rockies where John Galt leads all the striking Makers in Ayn Rand’s libertarian masturbation fantasy, Atlas Shrugged.
Visits to Beckville will be controlled via a main entrance, implying that, similar to Galt’s walled fortress-like Gulch, or Disneyland, access to the town will be limited to those who can pay. The Blaze reports that residency will be strictly controlled and based on an immigration process similar to Ellis Island, because, according to Glenn Beck “that’s how most Americans came to the country.”
Most Americans came to the United States via Ellis Island.
I assume that means main street, Independence, USA, will likely demonstrate a marked lack of black, brown, yellow, or red faces, maybe Beck should call it Western European Boulevard – or Tea Party Avenue. But I digress.
I hope those libertarians all have fun with the Ellis Island style delousing and background checks.
Beck hasn’t said if he plans to mask the town from overhead surveillance via vision warping heat rays ala John Galt. However, The Blaze has announced that Independence, USA will have its own power supply – one can only assume that since Beck left Fox News he finally had enough free time to invent John Galt’s Electrostatic Motor which perpetually
sucks magic juju beans electricity from the sky.
The centerpiece of Glenntopia will be the marketplace,
The Marketplace would be a place where craftsmen and artisans could open and run real small businesses and stores. The owners and tradesmen could hold apprenticeships and teach young people the skills and entrepreneurial spirit that has been lost in today’s entitlement state.
That’s right kids, put aside that entitlement mentality. That lazy taker attitude that’s had your generation filling the ranks of our volunteer military for the last ten years and fighting our wars on two fronts. Yes, you, you lazy, good for nothing worthless pieces of crap. That’s you, the shit generation, the taker generation. God, you suck, you all suck so bad. You think that just because you’ve been shedding your blood for this country for more than a decade now that your worthless shitty generation is somehow entitled to a piece of the American Dream. Who do you think you are? The Greatest Generation? Takers, that’s you. But, hey, it doesn’t have to be that way. No sirree. Step right up and learn a real American trade by apprenticing to one of our Tea Party Job Creators (Note: Apprentices don’t actually get paid in money, but they do get a nice warm feeling of patriotism). College? You don’t need no college, those places are full communists and socialist and stinky liberals anyway. We’ve got lots of old fashioned apprenticeship choices here in Glenntopia Marketplace! How about blacksmithing or maybe barrel coopering? We’ve got TEA Party sign making too, and you don’t even have to know how to spell!
I don’t suppose this is the place to tell Glenn Beck that out here in the real world, trade unions typically provide on the job training, apprenticeships, and professional certification for jobs that actually have some utility outside of renaissance fairs and flea markets. And given the general bent of these people, I’d suspect that the Glentopian Marketplace will be less a showpiece of Austrian School Economics and more the kind of place where you stone gays and uppity women to death for defying God.
There would also be an Media Center, where Glenn’s production company would film television, movies, documentaries, and more. Glenn hoped to include scripted television that would challenge viewers without resorting to a loss of human decency. He also said it would be a place where aspiring journalists would learn how to be great reporters.
The Glenn Beck Media Center where they make Glenn Beck TV and Glenn Beck movies and Glenn Beck documentaries. And more. So very much more.
Without resorting to a loss of human decency.
A place where aspiring journalists learn to be great reporters.
Learn human decency and great reporting. From Glenn Beck himself.
It’s like the jokes just write themselves, isn’t it?
Across the lake, there would be a church modeled after The Alamo which would act as a multi-denominational mission center.
In a cult-like closed community of paranoid religious extremists.
Modeled on the Alamo.
Listen, word of advice: When the Feds show up in tanks and Glenn Koresh (Jesus, five letters. Glenn, five letters. It’s really just a matter of time, isn’t it?), when Jesus Beck commands you all to grab your kids and your guns and make your last stand in Temple Alamo? Yeah. You might want to think that one through, Davy Crockett. I’m just saying.
Also, anybody else catch that “multi-denominational” bit?
I think that means they’ll have both country and western music playing on the Alamo sound system.
The town will also have a working ranch where visitors can learn how to farm and work the land.
Not to be pedantic or anything, but you work the land on a farm, you raise animals on a ranch. But hell, they’re worshipping in an multi-denominational evangelical church built by a born again Mormon modeled on a fort made from an old Roman Catholic Spanish mission, farm, ranch, tomato, potatoe, fuck it never mind.
Visitors can learn to work the land… and by “work the land [wink wink]” we mean fill out farm subsidy paperwork. I understand that they’ll be calling it the Bachmann Spread.
According to Beck, Independence, USA will grow all its own food and be completely self sufficient. Wasn’t that a major selling point on the Jonestown brochures as well? But I digress.
Independence would also be home to a Research and Development center where people would come to learn, innovate, educate, and create.
I look forward to the fruits of this institution. What marvelous wonders will spring from applied creation science? New, more detailed conspiracy theories? A deeper understanding of Birtherism and 911 Truthiness? Will there be treatises on advanced Global Climate Change Denial? Survival tips for avoiding liquidation in FEMA Death Camps of Death? Refined quantum chalkboard theory? New cures for Teh Gayz? Guidelines for Ebay gold trading techniques? Nazi identification technology? Cheap domestic production techniques for New World Order tin foil hats on an industrial scale? A revolutionary new theory of Jesus Economics built on a foundation powered by the magical Ayn Rand Bullshit Generator?
Before you send your kids to college, you come to us. And you spend a week with us. We're gonna tell them exactly, we will show them the truth, we will tell them what they're going to try to do, and we will deprogram them every summer, if you care.
That would be great. I can spend forty grand a year making sure my kid gets a solid foundation in science, math, history, and cognitive skills – and then I can send him to Never Never Land, where Glenn can teach him how man and dinosaur frolicked together in sinless vegetarian joy six thousand years ago until it was ruined by Hitler. I’m sure that will be very helpful, because the world doesn’t have enough homeless street preachers who reek of cat piss and bath salts and who spend their days in the park shouting at Satan. I wonder if the Becktopia Marketplace will have an apprenticeship program for that.
There would be a theme park for people to recharge and have fun with their families.
A theme park?
I gotta tell you, this place sound a lot less like Disney World to me, and a lot more like Westworld.
And yes, that sounds like fun … right up until the Robo Glennslinger goes berserk and starts slaughtering people, then it’ll be hilarious.
People would also have the option to live in Independence, with a residential area where people of different incomes could all come together and be neighbors.
People of all different incomes could live together and be nei … SWEET ANGRY MONKEY GOD, IT’S LIBERAL HELL! Just like Hitler!
And who exactly will your neighbors be?
Commenters on The Blaze, Yahoo News, and Salon should give you a pretty good idea:
It is all possible, our ancestors did it over 200 years ago..
Yeah, and some of their descendants haven’t advanced since then. Seriously, you want to live like your ancestors did two centuries back, that’s on you. I like indoor plumbing, social safety nets, and cable TV.
Beck preaches self-reliance. When a devastating weather disaster hits me I will overcome then help my neighbors. That’s why we stock pile food, water, gold, and guns. You have to be a fool to believe that government will help you after Katrina and the last hurricane. Believe/rely in yourself that’s all Beck teaches..
You’d have to be a fool to believe that government will help you after a disaster? Yeah, especially when conservative extremists (i.e. the people who listen to Glenn Beck) in congress are doing everything they can to delay federal assistance.
Why would u need taxes [in Independence, USA]? Pay electric bill, water bill, and phone bill. FD will be volunteer[sic]. No democraps so no need in police. Only thing will be mandatory is military service and it will be funded by donations
See, if there are no democrats, there won’t be any crime. Because conservatives don’t commit crimes. That’s why there are no republicans in prison. Want me to pull the thread on that one for you? Or can you get to the racist underpinning on your own?
Also, Independence will have its own military. Funded by donations. Military service will be mandatory.
I suspect YouTube videos of the Glenntopia Conscript Militia in their donated equipment engaging the US Army during the five minute Battle of the Alamo will be regular inclusions in the Darwin awards and world’s biggest idiot compilations for decades to come. It’ll probably be right after that video of Saddam Hussein daring George Bush to invade.
Beck wants to go back to the Leave it to Beaver days and I for one would love to see it, but I don't think it can be done.... Would love to see it though! Blacks and or the ACLU will try to screw it up as soon as it starts!.
Well, at least they’re not racists. And really, why wouldn’t people of color want a do-over of the 1950s?
If Beck’s dream fails, it’ll be the ACLU’s fault, mark my words.
Read the book atlas shrugged if you want to be informed. […] I am all for it. Plus the "society" Galt created had a financial system but was built on the premise of no Looters (Democrats), or Moochers (people on the system) only producers. Obama believes the following: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" So the point is best put by the words of Ayn Rand and galt " I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." That is how I will live my life and I refuse to work for the benefit of another unless I choose too. I believe in charity, of MY CHOOSING, it is not the place of the Government to take from me and give to whatever they believe in. i have my beliefs and it is not the beliefs of Obama or anyone else for that matter. So you have all voted for what you are now getting. "reap what you sow". You are now doing that. Give Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Reid, Feinstein, etc. your guns. You have now given up. Live free in your utopia. Give 100% of your money to them as well, they know better than you do how to spend it. besides, you will be getting your health care, benefits, etc. from the government. So what do you need "Producers" for. Oh yeah, you cannot pay for all of this "Freedom" without the producers in the world. Hence the motto of the book. What would happen if the "producers" left and stopped being robbed at the barrel of a Government Gun. Don't believe the increase in "Revenue" obama likes to call it is not at the gun, then try not to pay your property taxes. Then a Sheriff will come to your house with a GUN and evict you. Even though you supposedly OWN your property. Well we do not anymore. Welcome to the United Socialist States of America cir. 1939. FDR new deal has made his socialist (communist) dream come true..
I think we’ve found the perfect guy to chair the Economics Department at Beck University.
And a history professor:
The Pilgrims did't take anyone else's land. Look it up- they waited for the folks who had cleared the area of Plymouth to show up only to learn they had all died of disease. The last man of that tribe had been abroad when the epidemic hit so he survived and lived with a neighboring people group. He welcomed the Pilgrims and helped them out. If you wanna talk about koolaid drinkers, those of you regurgitating the self-loathing lies of the left are the real cultists. Don't you ever question the contempt-filled litany of white guilt that was drummed into your skulls at college? Try it- the truth will set you free…[sic]
The truth, it will set you free. There’s a very funny de-motivational poster in there somewhere.
An isolated walled garrison town, created and controlled by Glenn Beck.
Populated by people who think just like Glenn Beck.
Designed to produce more people who see the world just like Glenn Beck!
Walt Disney my ass.
Independence, USA sounds like something dreamed up by Stephen King; it’s not EPCOT, it’s The Stepford Wives meets Children Of The Corn.
Two years ago, Glenn Beck stood on the Washington Mall in the shadow of Abraham Lincoln and told us that we, people like you and me, we weren’t Americans. That we didn’t belong.
Five decades ago this year, Martin Luther King stood upon those self same steps. Dr. King looked out upon our nation and spoke in a voice that still brings me to tears and he told us all that he had a dream. That dream, well, that dream was about more than just race, it was about people, Americans, coming together – instead of hiding in isolation, nursing their festering ignorance and bigotry and hatred.
Dr. King’s dream was about building a nation, not tearing one apart and squatting in the ruins.
It seems that some folks never got the message.
Glenn Beck wants to create his own retreat far from us?
I say fine.
Brick him in and let him rot in his apartheid.
Hat Tip to Vernor Vinge and his short story “Apartness” for the title and the last line of this essay.