- Commenting Rules. Read these before you comment. Really. I'm not kidding.
- Sharing material from Stonekettle Station. Read this if you're thinking about reposting, linking, quoting, or just plain stealing material from Stonekettle Station. Seriously, read this before sharing, otherwise I will unleash the badgers.

- Stonekettle Station's Greatest Hits: The good stuff, it's in here!
- Reader Links: Sites recommended by readers, pimp your site today!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Childish Labors

 

Update: Gingrich released a clarification of his child labor comment from yesterday, and I thought oh God damn it, I spent an hour writing this snark and he torpedoed me.  Turns out I needn’t have worried, his clarification is just as stupid as his original comment.  Thanks, Newt, you’re a piker.


 

It’s been an entertaining week, hasn’t it?

And by entertaining I mean entertaining like getting tazed in the onions, sure there’s dancing and wild hooting involved but you’re going to be sore as hell the next morning.

A bunch of drunken rednecks booed the first lady on national TV in an outstanding show of classy Southern sportsmanship while she was at a NASCAR race to promote jobs for veterans returning from war. In defense of these mouth breathers, corpulent swollen carbuncle in the sweaty ass-crack of humanity, Rush Limbaugh, called the nation’s first African American First Lady “uppity” and then tried to pretend as if that statement wasn’t blatantly racist. Here’s a question for you, if “uppity” isn’t racist then how come you’ve never heard anybody, ever, refer to a rich white man as uppity? There’s a word that always follows “uppity,” whether it’s spoken out loud or not, it starts with an N. Ten points if you can figure it out, Good Ole Boys help the Yankees.  Rush fans claim his words were taken out of context. Heh. Maybe they should be taken that way, because taken in context it’s abundantly clear that he was defending the hecklers specifically because an educated black woman had the unmitigated gall to suggest that their overweight diabetic chicken-fried butter eatin’ and soda swilling kids should maybe have a salad or two and, you know, exercise.

Probably a good thing she didn’t suggest that they read a book or stop doing drugs, Limbaugh might have had to organize a good old fashioned non-racist lynching.

Students at UC Davis got a painful lesson in the abuse of power. Creepily cadaverous Anne Coulter, without a shred of self-conscious shame publically suggested that the campus police should have just shot a few of the student protesters instead of hosing them down with military-grade pepper-spray.  Apparently the mere sight of young Americans exercising their constitutional right to assembly and speech was so gut wrenchingly offense to Coulter that summary executions for sitting on a sidewalk are in order. She should move to Alaska, Lurch and Anchorage Mayor Dan Sullivan could rub hot sauce on each other and be best friends forever. Here’s another question for you, how come a great American patriot like Anne Coulter, who talks endlessly about freedom and liberty and the Constitution, suggests that the correct response to unarmed peaceful protesters is the same one employed by the Communists at Tiananmen Square? When did it become morally acceptable in America to shoot people as an example to others?

Here’s something I’d like cleared up: how come it’s terrorism if a guy named Muhammad suggests shooting Americans, but it’s not terrorism if you’re a conservative?

The Congressional Super Committee deadlocked.  Afterward, certain members of the committee admitted that they never actually intended to reach an agreement anyway. In fact, for the last month they mostly watched football and tossed off to pictures of Grover Norquist. This was a surprise to absolutely nobody, since the conservative side of the table was manned by people who think that “compromise” is defined as: give us what we want or we’ll start shooting the hostages. You can not reason with people who are not reasonable people, it’s really just that simple. These are folks who hold their oath to the Constitution and the United States secondary to a promise they made to a self-serving lobbyist who was never elected to any position by any American citizen. These are the kind of people who shoot hostages just to make a political statement and then don’t have to live with the consequences. Besides, it’s important to note that this congressional failure is somehow apparently the President’s fault. Question: Where you work, if you were assigned a critical task, nay, strike that, you volunteered for the task, and you not only failed to complete it in a timely fashion you actually took the job under false pretenses never intending to finish it at all and in fact actively prevented anybody else from completing that task while goofing off on company time, should you still get paid? Or should you be terminated immediately and escorted to the door by security even if you blamed the CEO?

Another question, what should happen to the supervisor who is such a lousy manager and poor judge of character that he assigned a self-serving disingenuous scumbag like you to a critical task?

In a stupefying bit of irony, Michele Bachmann accused NBC of sexism after Jimmy Fallon’s band played Fishbone’s Lyin’ Ass Bitch during her appearance on the show. Granted it wasn’t the classist move Fallon could have made but sexism? Please.  Bachmann should be thrilled that they finally found a band other than Ted Nugent who isn’t offended to have their music associated with the Tea Party. Besides, it’s Jimmy Fallon on late night NBC, honestly who besides his mom actually watches the show? Question for all the folks outraged over this: why isn’t it sexism when Michele Bachmann says that God wants women to be subservient to their husbands? How come Jesus gets a pass on misogyny?

And why the hell isn’t it sexism when Rush Limbaugh calls a black woman uppity? No really, since he didn’t mean it in the usual racist fashion, he must have meant it because she was a women, right?  What? I’m just asking is all.

I could probably have written full post mortems on any of those things, because honestly, when Rick Santorum is the second Tea Party candidate to call Africa a “country” in less than two months and Mittens Romney claims that the only way to prevent Iran from getting nukes is to elect him president, the jokes pretty much write themselves (see the previous post on Rick Perry, talk about taking candy from babies, or rather millions from lobbyists to use a more apt metaphor).

Yep, I could have written about those things, but then Newt Gingrich rolled out his jobs plan and it was like a pure divine white light from Heaven split the clouds and illuminated the landscape to a holy chorus of hot naked angels singing I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

I tell you, if nothing else I’m grateful this Thanksgiving for politicians like Newt, because he makes political humor fun

Apparently, according to Newt, America’s current economic woes stem from two sources: greedy middle school janitors and unemployed children.

Newt’s solution? Fire the janitors, hire the kids. 

Like chocolate and peanut butter, or feeding the homeless to the hungry, kids and janitorial work naturally go together.  It’s just so, so obvious when Newt points it out, isn’t it?

Fire the janitors, hire the kids.

Brilliant.

First we recoup billions in janitor salaries.

Those goddamned janitors and their outrageous salaries. Who can forget those greedy maintenance men commuting to school each morning? Their private helicopters landing on the roof of the gymnasium, flying in from the Hamptons after a weekend of booze, blow and hookers? Their chauffer driven limos blocking the school bus loading zones?  Oh yes, let us never forget who caused this financial disaster, them with their 24K gold handled mops and gilded toilet plungers while our children could barely afford to chew gum and stick it to the bathroom mirrors? I tell you, nothing chaps my ass more than when those key-twirling broom jockeys took billions in taxpayer bailouts and then gave themselves millions in bonuses. Personally I think it’s a Goddamned outrage that they get taxpayer funded lifetime pensions and golden parachutes even after being found guilty of ethics violations and forced to resign from their jobs. Honest to God, folks, how many more countries could we have invaded if these jumpsuit wearing sons of bitches weren’t bleeding us dry? How many more faith based programs could we have funded? How many high school girls had to graduate because those damned janitors stole money for abstinence only birth control classes? How many aircraft carriers could we have built?  Ask yourself this, how many more tenured history professors could we have hired if we hadn’t had to pay those stinkin’ greedy Janitors? Hell, we could have filet mignon and caviar in the Congressional lunchroom three meals per day instead of, well, ok bad example, but I think I’ve made my point here.

Next, says Newt, we put kids to work.

Nothing says First World Superpower like child labor, boy howdy. Think of the valuable lesson those kids will be learning – say like how even if you work really hard in a thankless job for shitty wages and do your best, some rich greedy asshole in a Brooks Brothers suit and a thousand dollar tie will inevitably dream up yet another shiny business model which somehow always seems to involve outsourcing your job to a labor pool that consists primarily of children.  The lesson being, steal whatever cleaning supplies you can now and sell them on Craigslist, because it’s every man for himself.  Learn that lesson well, kids, and you too can be a former Speaker of the House some day.

Now, at first blush, Newt’s idea to throw school janitors under the bus appears to be self-serving election year bullshit that solves a problem that simply doesn’t exit, instead of actually addressing, you know, the actual problems faced by actual Americans in the actual real world.  But let’s not dismiss Newt out of hand, frankly, there are a lot of advantages to putting kids to work.  Like say if they were working after school they wouldn’t be under foot all of the time. So, and I’m just spitballing here, there would be more time for getting to know their MILFy moms – say if you were looking for a fourth wife or something. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Think about it, if the little parasites started paying into Social Security and Medicare in, say, tenth – or maybe even second grade depending on how patriotic their parents are –  that would go a long way towards making a down payment on the next war. 

Here’s something I bet you liberals didn’t think of: kids in the workforce could commute on the school bus, freeing up valuable space on the highway and saving gasoline. Why that’s downright Green. Put that in your Prius, Al Gore, you tofu smoking hippy.

Now, if the whole janitorial pilot program works out, I’ve got some ideas for other places kids could start filling in:

Flight Crew:  Airlines could eliminate unionized employees in favor of children.  Sure. They’re small, they could squeeze around the drink cart a lot easer than a full sized Stewardess. Plus they could sleep in the overhead bins during layovers and subsist on a bag or two of peanuts, saving the airlines money on hotel and lodging fees.  They can get in tight spaces easier than adults and they’re fascinated by shiny parts, airline ground maintenance seems like a natural fit.

Likewise, companies should hire kids as business travellers. Think about it. They’re small, you could get two of them into a business class airline seat, or maybe they could even ride for free on the laps of other travellers. Huh? Huh? Seriously, airlines could attract business travellers by calculating business fares based on weight. This in turn would drive the next business trend towards smaller and smaller businesskids.  Leading in turn to little tiny business hotels and smaller conference rooms.  Everybody wins.

Computer Programming:  Programmers are paranoid anti-social types with poor hygiene who think the way to meet members of the opposite sex is to sit around dark basements in pajamas drinking Mountain Dew and talking about Star Trek. Anybody who has a teenager knows what I’m talking about here.  It’s a natural.  Trust me on this, I’ve got a degree or two in computer science, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, computer programming is really mostly just gibberish anyway.

Sex Workers:  I know, I know, but bear with me on this. Child sex workers can learn a valuable skill which would then allow them to move directly into paying internships with collegiate sports, the clergy, or conservative congressmen.

Child Soldiers:  Once you wrap your head around the sex worker thing, sending kids into battle is easy.  Plus, we wouldn’t want to say that a third world country like Africa has us beat in the number of miniature Marines would we?  It’s the missile gap all over again!  Plus, kids are small and hyperactive, they’ll be harder to hit than full sized soldiers and they’ve been playing Gears of War since the womb, we won’t even have to send them to boot camp.  Hand them a BFG and drop them out the back of a C-17 into the warzone.  Hell, once the Republicans outlaw abortion we’ll have an unlimited supply.

Whoa, here’s an idea! How about Congress?  It’s a perfect fit! Kids are good at arguing, avoiding responsibility, making a big mess, blaming somebody else, spending money, and they think they know everything. Take the Super Committee, they sat on their asses for a month and couldn’t agree to anything. Mostly all they did was lay around playing video games, watching TV, and eating junk food. Hello!

 

What? Ok, just think about it, that’s all I’m asking.

 

Of course, there’s a downside – I mean besides the whole eventual Logan’s Run thing where the kids kill off everybody over twenty-one and take over the world.

Sooner or later, kids will take over all jobs, putting Newt Gingrich out of work.

Maybe he can find a job sweeping up.

In fact, maybe if Newt spent some time as a high school janitor he’d learn a little humility and then maybe he’d be a little less uppity.

Then again, maybe not.

41 comments:

  1. Dayum, Warrant! I had a full cup of tea before I started reading this. Now I have a tea colored monitor instead.

    Way to lay down some of that extra-SPICY Thanksgiving Eve wrath on Senor Newt (if he's a historian, did he miss the reason why we have child labor laws in the first place?) Gingrich.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I believe Ann Coulter is a refugee from the Roddy Piper flick, "They Live." If anyone would be revealed as a cadaverous alien overlord with the right set of sunglasses, it's Annthrax herself. She suffers no shame from calling for the murders of her fellow humans because, well, they're NOT her fellow humans. ;) (Not literally, but doesn't it occasionally make you wonder?) It makes ME wonder. I really want a humanity test developed, so we can determine if they're really people or something nasty we picked up on our way through the cosmos. Like space herpes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's it. They Live, I knew Lurch reminded me of a movie.

    Where's my sunglasses?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dang, man... You are hell on computer monitors... Mine, like Daniel's has been anointed with tea yet again, thanks to you. As entertaining as it has been over the last few months and countless debates to see the repubs frantically pawing through the putrid offal heap to find someone... anyone... anyTHING to get behind as a prez-ah-dent-chul candidate who is (in a loud stage whisper) NOT MITT ROMNEY, it really is getting rather tedious. Interesting to see Gingrich having his second fleeting moment in the sun long months after the obit for his candidacy was written, filed, and engraved on its headstone. Two conclusions...1) Hope (and desperation) springs eternal in the teabagger breast, and 2) it really REALLY sucks to be Mitt.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nice stuff Jim. Seems our leaders are made of the same stuff: yesterday our right(-wing) "honorable" Prime Minister agreed that if parents were inconvenienced by the teachers' strike next Thurs, they just could take their kids to work (when it's safe to do so, he qualified). Legend.


    Looking forward to seeing his kids in the House next week - should raise the intelligence and tone of debate a fair bit.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Any bets on whether any of these mouldy mildew mother of mouthmucks could pass a Turing test?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Once again, you have found the perfect string of adjectives: "corpulent swollen carbuncle in the sweaty ass-crack of humanity" Bawhaaaaaahaaahaa! When that human manifestation of a beer-fart dies, he'd better make sure he gets cremated. If not, eventually he will find himself buried under a mile high pile of human crap left by long line of Rush haters.
    Newtie of course, has taken the USA to a new height of crazy with his latest proposal. Dang, I'm going to hate it when I have to try explain this one to my European family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good post. I consider the acts of the Kampus Kitty Kop at UC Davis to be state terrorism by torture (and this is, of course, just one example). Turns out the guy also is a homophobe who cost his employer $240000 K for opening his yap (ff course, they kept him on after that little contretemps). Aside from State action, I think the torture being inflicted on peaceful protestors lets the goons doing it exercise their personal penchants for sadism (which is what most torture around the world is about, in my opinion).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh. My. God.

    I have nothing snarky to say...I can barely breathe... ;-)

    Way to get me energized for "all day cooking day"...otherwise known as "Thanksgiving"...!!

    Have a great Turkey Day!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks Jim - I had already binned all those stories and was moving on to Punkin Chunkin.

    Newt's got that "Great White Father" thing going. Looks good on him.

    Child Labor - what's new about that? My dad forced us to do chores to adjust our childish attitudes and build character. Good for the little bastards. Nothing like a weekly all-hands Field Day to spruce up the joint - Stop the Mission, Clean the Position!

    Anne Coulter = Skeletor. I recall that they blamed the students at Kent State for overstepping common decency and protesting that little Asian dustup. Selfish rich kids with their 5 student deferments. Some of them even were given a TANG commission and flight school to keep safe.

    Super Committee - The big winners from their failure were the Committee members themselves who collected $milliions in donations in order to maintain the status quo. But the 1% Committee and their owners didn't seem to realize that the actual rest of the country might have expected some type of result. Sorry. Maybe next year.

    Frozone: "It's for the Greater GOOD!
    Mrs. Frozone: "I..AM..YOUR..GREATER GOOD!"

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's a masterpiece like this that gives me even more to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving 2011. I know, as I'm grilling my turkey, there will be the spontaneous giggles as I recall the wondrous prose I've just read. Hopefully, the neighbors will ignore the chortles and just think me odd.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I really have to thank you, Jim, for taking one on for all of us. I haven't watched the debates, just see the highlights and read your posts. Been reading a lot of posts about OWS and what I feel is a determined effort, hatched by various government groups and coordinated to get rid of these dirty rotten hippies, get a job a$$hole, etc., ad nauseum. I find it very difficult to watch the news these days, just as I did as a young woman in the 60's and 70's. I actually missed Kent State, found out about it 3 days later (not my proudest moment.) Woke me up!

    What the hell is going on in WA? Can't they see that there are a lot of people waking up and making noise.

    You make me smile, I like your news reporting much better.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh Jim, you forgot to mention the best idea for having children as flight crew. They're lighter. You know the airlines have to charge double for fatties or they lose money. Just think of the cost and fuel savings by replacing all the flight crew with children. You could even replace the pilots with them, the planes nearly fly themselves anyway. All that fuel savings, why, it'd be astronomical. It's a conservative green program.

    sinersh - like a sinner, but only -ish-ish.

    ReplyDelete
  14. If it was possible, I would have clicked the daylights out of the "Whoot" button. Enjoyed this post very much, Jim. Once again, you nailed it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Pajamas? They are usually sweatpants. Very attractive to the Mountain Dew craving women you meet in a dark basement. And it isn't "mostly gibberish" it is ALL gibberish. Especially APL.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You were rolling, Jim, until you got to the point where you suggested little kids could do Newt Gingrich's job. Will never happen. Children can not take the place of America's political and pundit class:

    1) After squabbling and fighting, children will eventually settle down and mostly play together. This would be disastrous to our system of governance: first thing you know, our new Senators are sharing their G.I. Joes and describing where Barbie parks her car instead of threatening filibusters like they're supposed to, and then before long they're asking why some old sick guy's mommy won't take him to the doctor, and they they're figuring out he no longer has a mommy, whereupon the innocent little shits will say, "Why can't Washington take him to see Mr. Doctor?" and we're literally on the road to a nanny state.

    2) They tucker themselves out so quick they won't be able to fit in the time to meet with lobbyists and cash campaign checks between all their naps, early bedtimes, and coming up with suggestions for how the children of Israel and Palestine agree to share their sandbox.

    3) Procuring all those giant dessert-firing robots will be hell on Pentagon budgets.

    4) Kids haven't had time to learn all the racial, religious and sexual dogwhistles the modern politician uses to win votes and the modern pundit needs to draw readers/viewers. We turn the political process over to kids, they're totally not going to grok that you don't just ask where another kid was born and then go, "Neat, that's where Lilo and Stitch live!" Hell no, you have to ask where the other kid was born and then answer your own question by saying, "I don't know, but I think it's a question that people ought to be raising," and then maybe implying you'll need to subpoena some documents instead of wondering why Timmy's mommy doesn't have a house but if Lindsey's daddy has three why can't Timmy's family stay with Lindsey's and then they could all have ice cream?

    In short, Jim, you're proposing that we replace the time-honored system of governance we Americans deserve with one run by people capable of learning, who are capable of creative thinking, who can ultimately get along with each other at least some of the time, who haven't had a chance to learn any of the institutional bigotries that keep Americans divided, and who will push to run the country efficiently and fairly (if only because "This is boring. Why can't we have TV and juice?").

    We just couldn't handle it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "I had a full cup of *tea*"

    Is there a Horrible Truth being exposed here?
    Visitors (well, at least commentators) to the 'Station are (closet?) *tea* drinkers??

    Getting the connection?

    Hey - its COFFEE for me, and since it was my second cup of the day, it mostly goes cold with better paced drinking. *I* manage (normally) not to spew over my monitor!

    (But my wife DOES wonder at the insane cackling coming from the other room...)

    Observing from Canada - which frankly, is sometimes not far enough away...

    ReplyDelete
  18. ...And the hits just keep on coming. The first state primary is less than seven weeks away, and it doesn't look particularly promising for any of the current Republican wanna-bes. Historically, when the national convention is in session and there isn't a clear-cut favorite, someone who never participated has been offered and accepted. Sometimes even elected. Let me think... Garfield? Chester Arthur? Of course, back then the robber barons were just as much in charrge as they are these days, but I'm suggesting that there may be a plan waiting in the wings and all these current walking jokes arre merely offerred as handy distractions.

    ReplyDelete
  19. NPR (commie mouthpiece) just reported that some box store employees were dismayed by having to work T-day prepping for Black Friday hoards. No no no no ...this will not do! We must reinforce compliance, servitude and particularly gratitude for their lot on this day of Thanks.

    They do not understand that there will be thousands of children happy to take their places once Newt and Co evict that black Muslim Kenyan from the People's Palace. (Birth certificate? I want to see his Marriage Certificate. We know he's not the legitimate POTUS. But, is she legally the FLOTUS? Maybe those NASCAR Americans know something we don't?)

    The Star Chamber will not have achieved the self-sustaining 87% containment of free will until all students, womb maintenance units and other service classes avert their gaze and hold their tongues when our betters are forced to be near us.

    In the future the appropriate response to any query from the other side will be "Yaz'm" or Noez'm". Otherwise the response will be a good dosing of anti-riot agent or the old cattle prod. Just to reinforce the situation. Sedition is a cancer.

    First order of business when God's Party assumes control, get rid of NPR and hunt down the bloggers for reeducation or Soylent Green. Keep the zygotes on ice for more workers.

    ReplyDelete
  20. OMG this is funny! I especially liked "Plus, kids are small and hyperactive, they’ll be harder to hit than full sized soldiers and they’ve been playing Gears of War since the womb, we won’t even have to send them to boot camp.” And, the idea of them double sitting in business clasc was priceless!

    Having only daughters who weren’t interested in Legos or video games, I was pretty shocked to see an ad the other day for one of the newest games. It was set in a city that was being attacked and it was so entirely realistic looking I thought it was made for a military training video. I quickly changed the channel it was so disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
  21. @ Wareham Forge... Greetings, Canadian!! FYI I am a proud never-been-in-the-closet tea drinker... but a card-carrying member of the Coffee Party (http://www.coffeepartyusa.com/)... I was swilling gallons of tea waaaay before those knuckle dragging budweiser guzzling mouth breathing brainwashed shills drank the Koch bros' tea party kool-aid ... I refuse to give up my delicious brew, but am (true confession here...) frequently tempted to find another name to call it!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Man, It's really cool to read what you have to say and I do think you were born to write. Straight up and maybe your prose is not so pretty but again I think you present the point you are trying to make very well.I come back to read your posts time after time because your perspective of current issues is so enlightening to me.Today's reading is no different.
    Ok, my comment sounds very "kiss ass" but what you write can sometimes really make my day.Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  23. OMG that was hysterical. I can't even think of anything else to say because I just keep laughing.
    Happy Turkey Day.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You got it wrong on everything.

    Protesters should be shot

    Little kids should sweep up the floors.

    Some people are uppity.

    Mitt's unemployed and needs a job.

    Each and everyone of these things argued are about helping the right people and keeping the wrong people from rising up.

    [shake / shake / shake]

    Psssssssssssssst.... Waaaaaaaaaaaaugh!

    Keep trying though ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. OMG I just found your blog through a link from Barry Ritholtz and you've taken an otherwise boring day (after the food orgy worthy of Caligula which somehow gives thanks to our good Christian God in the same way people did to other crop gods 2 millennia ago, but I digress...)and made it more entertaining than a Republican Presidential debate, and less toxic. I did you the ultimate expression of gratitude in my world by posting it on my Facebook page, something I never do unless the site is a video about someone getting run over or something.

    Now, on the topic of child labor I have to say that The Newt might be on to something. As I look around this house on "black friday" (which, up until this year, I thought was some reference to the stock market crash of 1929 not something that hypnotized people into going to their local Walmart for things they really don't need)I realize I could employ a whole lot of those little buggers to clean the kitchen. I mean it looks like a troop of Cub Scouts bivouacked here for a week. And their tiny fingers can really get into the corners of the floors and counter tops. Or you can cover the epileptic ones in Scotch pads and lie them on the floor to get a nice shine. Heck, they might even earn enough for their medication that way. So maybe Newtster is thinking here.

    ReplyDelete
  26. The whole point of writing is to express one's thoughts. It makes no difference whether it is Shakespeare (Bacon?) or Dr. Suess, the point of reducing thought to paper is the mission. Jim Wright is the 'mission commander.'

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh Uppity can be followed by woman as well as the n word.

    I once was assigned a job where I was highly paid specifically to keep the industry from doing something we couldn't be against publicly, but didn't want.

    The delegate from CBS and I personally delayed the V-Chip for way over two years. And when it did finally happen it was such a convoluted system (we had lawyers helping at this point) that only about five people in the world understand it and none of them are on the FCC.

    But it looks impressive.

    APL was fun, gibberish, but fun. Where else can you write a Fourier transform in one line of code?

    ReplyDelete
  28. I want to go on the record that I am totally offended by that song choice by the Fallon Band for the Bachmann walk on.

    Because even though she is a crazy ass bitch...that song kinda sucks.

    A better song would have been something from Bachmann Turner Overdrive. Maybe "Gimme your money please"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QU0SwYK0vco

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous, it's kind of hard to go on record when you're anonymous.

    Just saying.

    Personally, I'm no fan of Fishbone, Lyin' Ass Bitch or otherwise. I like your idea, plus I can think of a dozen other suggestions right off the top of my head starting with Dire Straits and Money for nothing.

    However, my point was, sexism? Give me a break. Bachmann isn't being treated any worse than any other candidate, including and especially Obama. And if she doesn't like being called a lying ass bitch she should stop acting like a crazy lying ass bitch. Considering the outright fabrications she spouts about both her rivals and her opponent (not to mention provable falsehoods regarding history, economics, and international policy), she's got nothing to complain about. Glass house, crazy people with a bucket of rocks, and so on.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sorry Jim, that's not Anonymous. I am Anonymous. The other is a pretender to the unknowable who. (Or whom...that always confuses me.)

    The Patriot Act is such a wonderful thing that I must remain Anonymous. Not like the fake Anonymouses, or Anonymousene. Whats' the plural of 'nameless'?

    I do agree that Bachman seems to be the escaped product of some lab project gone horribly wrong. On the other hand, they may have let her out to lower the sanity bar for the other stage monkeys. Not working.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Whats' the plural of 'nameless'?

    Citizen's United.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Janet the Candle LadyNovember 25, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    I'd wager that the kids might do a better job in Congress than some of the current folks sitting up there. At least small children tell you how it really is and have no shame about it.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Appearances would suggest that none of the adults on Capital Hill have any shame either.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I swear! I am going to have to quit reading your blog! You slay me! Gawd, but this was hysterical!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Damn! It really frosts my ass that Gingrich is even still appearing in public, much less angling for the Presidency.

    Just to review, the Ol' Newter is a tax cheat of major proportions. He is the only Speaker ever to be fined for ethics violations. He negotiated a settlement for a $300,000 fine rather than defend himself before the Ethics Committee.

    He is also a self-serving quitter. Rather than suffer the consequences of being blamed for the GOP losses in '78, one day after being re-elected, he resigned both the Speakership and from Congress.

    His remarks about the DFH's in Occupy who should "get a shower and get a job" define him as being stuck in 1968 as far as protest movements go.

    His remarks about employing students as janitors are pretty ironic coming from one who at no point has ever engaged in such a pursuit himself, relying on his first wife to put him through college and grad school and rewarding her with a list of divorce demands while she was still in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery.

    He should be confronted with that shit every time he shows up somewhere. The man is lower than whale shit in the ocean (as a Chief I knew used to say.)

    ReplyDelete
  36. @highwaterjane60 - Ya know though, if you tried to cremate the limbo monster, you'd get a nucular explosion from all of the noxious toxic waste and foul gaseous fumes that he's full of... (all misspellings intentional...)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Does Ann Coulter hate them for their freedoms? Does she condone the government using chemical weapons on their own people? Would she pull the trigger herself or would she strap a pair of six shooters on a fifth grader or mentally handicapped person to do the deed? Terrorist?

    ReplyDelete
  38. I'm new around here but I like what I'm seeing.

    What terrifies me most about Newt's second (breaking) wind is that it implies that the Republicans have finally given up introducing new, would-be party saviors (it's Newt, no it's Bachmann, no it's Perry, no it's Cain) and have begun recycling them (which, on the bright side, means we've finally got them recycling something).

    So I guess that means that soon it'll be Bachmann's turn again, followed by Perry again, followed by Cain, followed by, followed by, followed by.... until we finally break down under this political waterboarding and just beg the Chinese to foreclose on us and put us out of our collective misery.

    As for Limbaugh and Coulter, he'll be looking for someone to snuggle with if/when his fourth marriage finally implodes and she clearly is looking for a mate whose head she can rip off and devour after coitus, so somebody please introduce those two kids to each other ASAP.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Jim - Great post. Painful to read and agree with. However our "public servants" in DC are not going to be concerned about the common good of the nation. They are primarily dedicated to remaining in office.

    Their failure in the last decade to recognize and prevent the national train wreck is bound to a large extent to their complete and utter fealty to the real source of their support. The bankers, businesses and industrialists that suck from the federal teat keep these "elected" people whole.

    War is GREAT business. The Fed and SEC massage the privates of the bankers and Congress bends over willingly for their largess. Education and health care reform are just institutionalized cash cows for the providers. We all know that, but few of us have the $millions to attempt counter the trend.

    Congress (and apparently the Judiciary and White House) could not turn against the hyper-wealthy benefactors if it even occurred to them to try. The status quo is good business and the business is good. The lucky 12 on the 1% Committee made out handsomely from additional $millions in campaign contributions; just to make sure they didn't fuck up and actually produce a plan that might benefit the nation.

    S/F Mate

    ReplyDelete
  40. Late to the party again. Great post.

    Wait. Mitt Romney has nukes he's planning to give to the Iranians if he's not elected? Newt Gingrich knows what a mop is? Since when?

    If Ann Coulter ever got married she'd eat her husband's head after the first mating.

    v-word: machast_ Ann Coulter's fiance

    ReplyDelete

Be sure to read the commenting rules before you start typing. Really.