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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The God Whisperer

It was raining this morning on my drive into Anchorage.

I thought it was just, you know, rain.

But things apparently are not as they seem. 

Weather, I’ve learned, is God mumbling under his breath.

I didn’t know, I thought water falling from the clouds was just precipitation.

Turns out rain is how God gives financial advice.

I swear I would have paid more attention to the weather if I had known, but here in the south central coastal Alaskan rainforest God never seems to shut the hell up. It rains a lot here in the summer, and it snows a lot in the winter, the ground shakes a lot and the wind howls a lot, it floods in the spring and burns in the fall.

Then, of course, there are the volcanoes.

And the tsunamis.

God, it would seem, is exactly like one of those yappy little dogs that never stops barking.

What brings this up? Why, Michele Bachmann, of course:

I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending.

Now a cynic might accuse Bachmann of exploiting a natural disaster in order to curry favor with her dimwitted base.  A cynical writer might ridicule her for her crass stupidity. 

But I won’t.

Of course I won’t.

 

Yeah, the hell I won’t.

Bachmann claims she was just joking about the whole billions of dollars in damage, economic disaster, lost livelihoods, thousands of homes lost, whole towns wiped out, catastrophic flooding, and not to mention forty something people dead, all as a way for God to get Congress’ attention. Because, as you know, God is a member of the Tea Party.  

How come God can’t just tap you on the shoulder and tell you what He wants?  No no, he’s got to flood half the damned country and make you guess.  And, stick with me here, Crazy Eyes Bachmann is his designated mouthpiece? Really?

It’s just me, right?

God apparently didn’t realize that the politicians he was talking to weren’t even in session or anywhere near Washington when the storm came roaring through.  Omnipotent my ass. Oh yes, funny, ha ha. 

But hey, only an idiot would take her seriously, right?

Signs in the heavens. Thunder caused by the gods tossing boulders about.  Lightning bolts hurled from Mount Olympus to smite the mortals! Waves caused by Poseidon shaking his trident. Sickness is a divine pox upon mankind, perhaps if we beat our flesh with whips we can appease God and stop the plague.

Ooooh, wait, I know, human sacrifice!

What?

Oh, riiight. Right. Sorry. Nobody believes that kind of silly nonsense. Well, not anymore.

Nobody.

Of course they don’t. Because that would be some crazy stupid shit right there, wouldn’t it?

Just for fun, let’s take a look at the comments under FoxNews and Yahoo, shall we?

Michelle Bachman needs to be elected to save the nation from crowning Obama, the antichrist, as the leader of the world! He is the BEAST spoken of in the Book of Revelations! Along with Pope Benedict and Satan, Obama will be crowned king of the world by you STUPID earth-dwelling sinners!! America is DOOMED! [SIC]

Oh noes! King of the world! The Beast!  We’re doooooooomed!  It would be funny, except that I know people who believe exactly this. They literally believe with all their gnarled wrinkled fearful little hearts that Obama is the literal and actual anti-Christ as foretold in the book of Revelation. They know this because their self-righteous wrinkled fearful little preacher man told them it was true and he doesn’t lie.  Of course, before Obama it was Clinton the Anti-Christ.  It’s always the Son of Satan with these people. Always.  It can’t be just a guy we don’t agree with, it’s got to be the Devil, it’s got to be the End Times, it’s got to be the Second Coming!  Oh noes!  The devil is everywhere!

People actually believe this silly horseshit.

People just like Michele Bachmann.

Here’s a question, how come if the Book of Revelation is God’s literal plan – which ends with all the bad people getting cornholed by the Devil and all the good people getting sucked up to heaven to party with Jesus and the earth gets destroyed anyway, period, no matter what, because that’s what God said, praise Jesus, then what in the hell are these people bitching about?  Isn’t that what they want? Isn’t that exactly what they pray for every damned Sunday?  By definition, America is doomed, period. Right? They’ve been waiting and praying for exactly that for two thousand goddamned years. If Obama is really the anti-whatsis, why aren’t they out in the street cheering?  I mean, the End Times are here, right? Two millennia of waiting over, woohoo! Why wouldn’t they be voting for Obama? If we elect Bachmann doesn’t that actually delay the end of the world? According to the Bible, the son-O-Satan has to be king of the world, right? If you don’t vote for Obama, it just delays the final takeover and therefore the big rapture. Seriously, I don’t get it, is Obama the anti-Christ or isn’t he? Do you believe the stupid shit you’re saying or don’t you? Which chapter of the Bible is this written down in?

Religion makes my head hurt.

God's message is just not for politicians but for all the world. Read Matt. 24. the Bible is Gods Holy Word. He said in this chapter there would be earthquakes, famines ,pestilences{incurable dieases} waves roaring meaning tidal waves or tsunamis ,There will be wars and rumors of wars. Pray that you maybe the accounted worthy to escape all these things. "Howl ye the day of the Lord for it will come as a destruction from the ALMIGHTY!" Yes, these are God's judgements. Noah escaped because he prayed and and God warned him ahead of time.to get ready. He obeyed and he escaped. Yes, in the days of Noah God repented he made man because of their wickedness. YES! he destroyed the whole earth , men women, yes even children. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. Hebrews 11:7 By faith Noah being warned of God of things not seen as yet , moved with fear and prepared an ark for the saving of his house." Jesus is your ark of safety today. If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus Christ and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead thou shalt be saved. God destroyed all flesh in Noah's day. The Bible says unless he shortened the days there would be no flesh. saved. But our soul can be saved if we believe in Jesus. HE IS COMING! [sic]

Seriously, how in the hell do you reason with that gibberish?  Earthquakes, famines, disease, waves, wars, and rumors? Oh like we haven’t seen this stuff before.  What’s next? An eclipse? Oooh, evil portents! What makes these earthquakes, famines, diseases, waves, and wars different from all the earthquakes, famines, diseases, waves, and wars that have come before? Let’s be honest here, these people have managed to ignore plague and famine and war and genocide and hurricanes and earthquakes and untold evils every damned other place in the world for last couple of decades, what makes this one so special? Because it happened to New York? Really?  That’s the sign? Please point to the chapter in your holy book that says so. Go on, I’ll wait.

I used to live in southern California, earthquake, fire, pestilence, and war are pretty much a standard autumn, if you could work in a little famine you’d have all four horsemen of the Apocalypse. How come that isn’t a sign of the Apocalypse? 

Personal pet peeve: we have the ability to cure disease and stop famine – we just choose not to do it.  Ditto war.  Earthquakes and waves? We can mitigate the effects of those things too – but just like global climate change, we’d prefer to stand in the path of disaster and argue about God’s big magic juju plan rather than take action. You ever wonder if maybe God is just killing off the stupid people? There’s this old joke about a guy trapped on the roof of his house in the middle of a flood, so he prays to God for rescue. Along comes a helicopter, but the guy waves it away saying “God will save me!”  The waters rise and the house shakes on its foundations. Along comes a boat, but again the man waves it away saying “God will save me!” The waters rise and the man is swept away and drowned. He goes to heaven and stands in front of God and asks bewildered, “Why didn’t you save me?” and God replies, “I sent you a helicopter, I sent you a boat, you fucking idiot, what the hell do you want?”

Obama admitted he is a Muslim to George Stenonolofuss on an interview but then George told Obama that he was a Christian and Obama agreed with him. Everyone knows it's OK for a Muslim to LIE to an Infidel. [sic]

Question: who the hell is The Stenonolofuss? Is that from the Doctor Seuss Book of Revelation?

There is no separation of church and state without freedom from liberalism.

I, uh, wait, what? (See how many things you can find wrong with that one sentence, regard it as a challenge)

Michelle is most likely right, but it also could be the fact that Matthew 24 and Luke 21 is being fulfilled before our very eyes! The problem is that the media is only giving problems to Christianity. What do you think one of those fundie muzzies would do if we attacked them for saying what they do About Allah? Even tohugh they think Allah has told them that they need to annialate America, and we just turn our backs on those threats in the name of being politically correct? Michelle shouldnt have backed down That alone says how weak of a leader she would be! Icedently folks, did you know that Hurricane Katrina formed right after this nation turned its back on Israel? Another hurricane is forming today, the day after Backman was attacked for what she said!!!! HHHMMM.....maybe she was right and God is going to spank this nation for attacking one of his own?! Reguardless, its called FREEDOM OF SPEACH!!!!!! Bachman was the constitutional RIGHT t osay what she wants, even if someone doesnt like it! YOU GO GIRL!!!! [sic]

Oh yes, you go girl.  Go out and maybe take an English class. Also maybe a couple courses in logic. Also make a science class or two. It’s been a couple of centuries since not-goofy people actually believed that gods and spirits cause weather … wait, hold on, unless you’re saying those ghostly images on the weather Doppler are, no way, couldn’t be! Holy shit, we can track God with radar!

Please tell me where anywhere in our founding documents it states that there is a separation of church and state? We have freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion.

Glad we cleared that up. Question: Anybody else find it odd that the Framers didn’t mention how religion was a requirement to be an American? Just me again, huh? Sigh.

And my personal favorite:

If any group of people need to be punished by God it is the states that were devastated. They all voted for the Antichrist not to mention are run by gays, socialists and are all broke. I leave out Va and NC from this because ACORN stole the election for the DNC criminals in those 2. Why is it that a blue state wont pay their bills? Try saving, frugality and getting back to God. Either u serve Jesus or Satan, we know how the Demomarxists feel, so hope they all enjoy hell. Leviticus 18:22-29. Read it and weep, Demomarxists.

I think you mean Demomarxist Nazi Anti-Christs!

 

Oh no, nobody would take Bachmann’s statement as anything other than jest.  Nobody at all.

Certainly not her target audience. No Sir.

When God hates all the same people you do, when God endorses your personal agenda by shaking the earth and smiting only the states of your political enemies, well, you know, maybe it’s time to reexamine your belief system.

Ask yourself something, what’s God trying to tell Texas? After all, the state is in the worst drought in a century.  If God sent down a deluge upon Vermont as a message to Washington DC to spend less, well then is the opposite true? No rain in the Lone Star State means God wants Texans to pay more

I’m hip.

What about all those wildfires in Arizona? Was that God trying to tell Jan Brewer to stop acting like a douchebag? Or does God only hate the liberals in Tucson? And Mexicans?

What was the message God was sending when he drowned all those deeply religious poor black people in New Orleans a couple years back? Anybody else visualizing that scene out of Blazing Saddles? Don’t move or I’ll shoot the n… No? Well, okay, what the hell was God saying then?

Pretty obvious God hates the ever living hell out of California.

Here’s the thing, Bachmann made that joke in the context she did because she damned well knows her audience.

And because she knows they think just exactly like the commenters above.

 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s raining out and I think God is telling me to have another beer.

114 comments:

  1. Jah be telling California to grow a _ckton of pot this year because he spent all spring filling all the reservoirs and making sure all the springs would run with plentiful rains. Then Jah give I and I the sweetest summer seen in I life with high temps of 92-96 and lows in the 60's.

    We haven't even had a decent brushfire worthy of the name.

    I and I thanks Jah for natures bounty. Right after we roll up the sacrement.

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  2. "Or does God only hate the liberals in Tucson?"
    Aww crap, that's me.

    On another note, I think a reminder of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts is in order:
    "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'"

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  3. "What’s next? An eclipse?"

    Actually, there will be a total solar eclipse a week after the 2012 election.

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  4. After all, the state is in the worst draught in a century.

    I can just picture all the Texans, watching the football and wondering who left the back door open again!

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  5. Bachmann is confusing me. If God is destroying the earth, what about that line in the bible about Jesus returning and destroying the destroyers of earth?
    There seems to be a little family tension or miscommunication there.
    Maybe her reasoning is justifications for drilling the everglades.

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  6. Perfect! You captured the deviousness of the hypocritical, crazy-like-a-fox Bachmann and the appalling ignorance of her supporters. No wonder so many politicians push for charter schools and home schooling. An uneducated electorate is their bread and butter.

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  7. Jim you are dead wrong here:

    "Glad we cleared that up. Question: Anybody else find it odd that the Framers didn’t mention how religion was a requirement to be an American? Just me again, huh? Sigh."

    The Framers did make a test of religion an explicit requirement:

    "The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."

    Can't argue with that, that is about as an explicit requirement about religion as it is possible to state in the English language.

    And I think you forgot to mention spelling.

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  8. Question: who the hell is The Stenonolofuss? Is that from the Doctor Seuss Book of Revelations?

    Jim, please. Dr. Seuss was too smart for that kind of bullshit.

    Actually, there will be a total solar eclipse a week after the 2012 election.

    sierraseven, not if we vote for the right people! Vote TeaBagger in 2012 and the eclipse (and end of the world) will be averted! God will make sure of that!

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  9. And the Church said, AMEN!

    To my mind, your reasoning with all the gibberish is spot on, as usual.

    Best Always,
    Demomarxist Nazi Anti-Christ
    (a.k.a. Arugula-eating bleeding-heart-Muslim-sympathizing elitist homo)

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  10. Not really on topic, but you mentioned it in passing, so I get to blather...

    Re: "40-something deaths" from the hurricane. CNN was interviewing some official about deaths in his jurisdiction and the reporter mentioned one overweight guy who had a heart attack while boarding up his windows. The official looked a bit nonplussed and said it might be storm related but, then again, it might be bacon related.

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  11. The epicenter for the VA earthquake was in Eric Cantor's district. It was, of course, God saying "Alright, you douchebag. Don't make me bring out the smite button. Its time to start doing your job and stop trying to fuck up the country"

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  12. Nathan

    The death in Rockland was a father saving his son from electrocution.

    However the 5 year old boy had been let out to play against the specific advice of county and town officials and was playing with downed wires which were live. He was in critical condition last I heard

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  13. Texas is having the worst drought in a century.

    Umm, no, I don't think so. Texas has a drought every few years, with spells of too much rain in between.

    But think about this: Rick Perry called for everyone to pray for rain for three days back in April, and it's probably my personal fault that God didn't answer his prayers because I didn't participate. We were having a very wet, cold spring here in NE Texas, and planting and replanting the early garden. Never did get our peas and broccoli going. Then by June it stopped raining and started being too hot. Burned everything up.

    Texas is a very large place (unless and until you compare it to Alaska, or Mongolia.) We have all sorts of different ecosystems here. Sometimes there is severe drought, sometimes there is entirely too much rain. What Rick Perry prays for doesn't seem to matter. He's going to have to up that record or else Bachmann will convince all the godly voters that she's got her lips on God's ear. Or His ass. One or the other.

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  14. Dammit, I think Pangolin won the thread before anyone else had a chance to show up.

    -----

    Mainly, I wanted to congratulate you, Jim, for this--

    It was raining this morning on my drive into Anchorage.

    I thought it was just, you know, rain.

    But things apparently are not as they seem.

    Weather, I’ve learned, is God mumbling under his breath.

    I didn’t know, I thought water falling from the clouds was just precipitation.

    Turns out rain is how God gives financial advice.


    --because it's even more awesome if you read that in either a Tom Waits growl (imagining it backed by a Beat rumble and clatter of miscellaneous percussion and upright bass) or in a David Byrne nasal singsong (backed by an Enoesque eclectic mix of rapid-fire ethnic percussion and popping drum machines). You, sir, have an indie-pop song in the making; you need to set that shit to music, sir.

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  15. That whole hurricane=message from God thing really sticks in my craw too. I mean, c'mon. That's so... Old Testament! These are the modern days, we got better ways of sending messages today. What, God doesn't know how to IM? His fingers too big for those teeny little buttons on modern-day phones? What, He has presbyopia like most of us old farts and misplaced His reading glasses and can't see those little letters and numbers on His phone's screen? Uhm, He's omnipotent, right, why can't He just *create* some little fingers to punch those little buttons with and a new set of reading glasses, I mean, He supposedly created the Earth and the Sun and dwarfs and stuff, little fingers and reading glasses should be a piece'o'cake, right? But noooo, instead he's gotta do this the old-timey way, with burning bushes in Texas (not THE Bushes, don't get your hopes up, just burning bushes and grass and stuff in general) and earthquakes and hurricanes in the Northeast. Uncool, dude. Seriously uncool.

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  16. If I recall my creepy crawly fundie facts right, I believe the Antichrist is supposed to arise from a European nation. Not America. How they derived this factoid from the psychedelic, Ginsberg-channeling book of Revelations is beyond me.

    Poor Obama is doomed to be merely a failed Kwisatz Haderach.

    Can someone involuntarily commit Bachmann? Or do we need more evidence?

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  17. if you could work in a little famine you’d have all four horsemen of the Apocalypse.

    Dude, have you seen how skinny some of those Hollywood actresses are?


    tousis- what Dr.Stenonolofuss tries to rhyme with roses.

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  18. Wanna know something even better?

    All those early warnings about the storm path?

    Might not have 'em next time. Because the satellites that do all that storm tracking are at the end of their lives, and Congress has cut funds for NOAA.

    http://www.npr.org/2011/08/31/140079532/budget-cuts-threaten-noaas-weather-forecasts (Yeah, I know, a link from that crazy biased liberal main-stream media.

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  19. The Yahoo comments are vile. I don't think they are moderated.

    Did you read the article yesterday about the pastor who advocates a registry for those who don't believe in his god? And that they should be tracked like sex offenders? What's next? Death camps? This is some scary stuff.

    http://www.politicususa.com/en/pastor-wants-atheist-registry-to-track-atheists-like-sex-offenders?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+politicususa%2FfJAl+%28Politicus+USA+%29

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  20. @Eric, I am so totally reading my own stuff in a Tom Waits (ala Swordfish Trombones) voice from now on.

    @Michelle, well, you know that was perfectly predictable given the logic train: I.e. welfare causes poor people, social security causes old people. Get rid of welfare, no more poor. Get rid of social security, no more aging. Get rid of weather satellites, no more hurricanes! Yay!

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  21. I thought rain meant I should go out to the shop or watch a film, but I like the beer message, too. hm.

    Had a similar thought to Eric-

    You, sir, have an indie-pop song in the making; you need to set that shit to music, sir.

    You could call the album 'Cornholed by the Devil' - put a pic of your favorite corn dog eatin' politico on the cover.

    Ah, the duplicity and the hypocrisy - they burn.

    Thanks, Jim!

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  22. Anonymouse, yes I did read that.

    Which is exactly why I read things like the Yahoo comments, because if you want to know what these people are actually thinking, you have to look at their own words.

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  23. I'm rollin Karl, "Corn-holed by the Devil" is so apt!

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  24. Wasn't my line. Came out of Revelations, apparently.

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  25. Cornholed by the the Devil, their first album was: And I liked it!

    Made for an interesting album cover.

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  26. Jim-

    After your selfless act of reading Yahoo comments, I prescribe a six-pack. I don't think two beers will remove the caustic residue of fundamentalist bullshit ranting. Make sure it's a stout or a porter, something with meat on its bones. They get into the oorners of your brain and shoo all the Falwell farts away.

    knittingbull

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  27. Ah, Warner, you got here with the quote from the Constitution before I did, Article VI. I send that quote and the bit in Amendment I to those who obviously haven't read the Constitution but yell about upholding it.
    We have floods in one part of the ocuntry and droughts in another. We have an interstate highway system, why not an interstate water pipeline system? I'm sure the people on the East Coast would gladly give some of their water to Texas and Oklahoma.
    But that would require the Feds to oversee it, and we know what chance that has, something about a snowball in another hot place, besides Texas.

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  28. That solar eclipse is in the South Pacific -- http://eclipse.gsfc.nasa.gov/SEgoogle/SEgoogle2001/SE2012Nov13Tgoogle.html -- so does that make Obama a Pacific Islander?

    Now the annular solar eclipse of 20 May 2012 cuts across a swath of the US from Eureka to Lubbock. On a Sunday.

    Dr. Phil

    jerce -- izzat jerk in French?

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  29. Dr. Phil,

    There's no need to be talkin' bout "Annular" this and "Annular" that. That there's Sodomite talk!

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  30. perfectly predictable given the logic train: I.e. welfare causes poor people, social security causes old people. Get rid of welfare, no more poor. Get rid of social security, no more aging. Get rid of weather satellites, no more hurricanes! Yay!

    ....laughed so hard I coughed, pissed and farted.

    THANKS JIM!

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  31. Hmmm, I love me some Ben Franklin in the afternoon. Pass a brewski, Jim.

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  32. Micky-T, actually it made me think of a Steve Martin routine.

    News reporter: "So, (Steve's character) when are you going to bring us some better weather?"

    Steve Martin (as a weatherman), "Just as soon as you stop the car-jackings."

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  33. sophie#1, are you talking about the place General Phil Sheridan talked about when he remarked, "If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell"? As a former Texan, I concur with General Sheridan's opinion, BTW -- with the possible exception of certain neighborhoods of Austin, anyhow.

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  34. Oh, now BadTux, Gen. Sheridan was only talking about West Texas. And whoever owns Hell most certainly rented out West Texas to those who couldn't afford Hell.

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  35. Love your stuff, thanks for posting!

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  36. I've been to West Texas, I thought I was in Hell.

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  37. Believe me, folks, East Texas isn't any better. Both places have a plentitude of folks with broad belts, belt buckles the size of dinner platters, and narrow minds 'cause whatever sense they ever had migrated to around their beltline. Climate-wise it ain't no picnic either. You trade the dry heat of West Texas for 100% humidity at 105F and mosquitos the size of small pterodactyls. I swear that I saw one carry off some cattle out of my neighbor's field once...

    - Badtux the Former East Texas Penguin

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  38. Jim, Hell has a more consistent climate than West Texas.

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  39. Well, you know I've been to most of the war zones in the middle east, in summer, and I prefer those to West Texas, just saying. The people are friendly to outsiders.

    Mmmm, now I'm thinking about a "Ten reasons why Iraq is better than Texas" post. #1: Rick Perry...

    I'm kidding. Kidding. Of course I am. You know I love you, Texas, in your own special way.

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  40. Great post! It angers me that the only Christian voices heard in the media are the wild-eyed nutjobs. There are plenty of rational people of faith who are concerned about climate change, the economy, and how to love and serve our neighbors and country. God didn't send the natural disasters as a message to Washington or to punish certain people, but He is very interested in how we respond to those challenges and help each other. I wonder if the nutjobs ever make God's head hurt? Thankfully God loves us all: saints, sinners, Chief Warrant Officers, and Michelle Bachman (now that makes MY head hurt)

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  41. "When God hates all the same people you do, when God endorses your personal agenda by shaking the earth and smiting only the states of your political enemies, well, you know, maybe it’s time to reexamine your belief system."

    This. Very much this. Thanks Jim.

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  42. Yes, we're real special down here in South Texas, too!

    With the burn bans state wide because of the drought, we have ranchers selling fully cooked barbecue right from the livestock.

    We let the customer choose the cattle and then we hose it down
    with sauce and send it out into the pasture. Within twenty minutes
    the barbecue is piping hot and ready to eat.

    On another note, I see where God spoke to Sarah Palin earlier today and told her 'no!'. (Seriously, hope the earthquake was not so bad!)

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  43. Guvner Perry failed big time to bring the rain. He prayed to the wrong god. Now Perry must pay. Bring him to the capital steps, cut out his heart with the obsidian knife and roll his lame ass down the stairs.
    Then it will rain again.
    Tlaloc the rain god told me this.
    Wa-hey!

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  44. I like the cut of your jib, Orka God.

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  45. I dropped to my knees to pray away Michele, and it seems to be working. So, back on my knees to pray away Ricky boy, but I just can't compete with a stadium full of wankers.

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  46. Bachmann can't be any worse in the roll than Bush or Obama. Like it or love it, she'll probably be more entertaining to the masses of stupids than any other of the morons seeking the republican prez ticket. We all might as well accept the fact that the American dream is just that, a dream that's really just a nightmare. The cowboy has already rode off in the sunset... America's better days are over because our leaders haven't invested in education, and research. Rather America is a now obese, aging medicare nation who has max'd it credit cards. Bachmann is absolutely the woman we need to finally put the nail in the coffin with her crazy-bat ideals... so that we can all go to heaven.

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  47. I'll bet you're a lot of fun at parties, Anonymous.

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  48. First thing... For an omnipotent being, their God has really crappy aim. "I'm mad at all the gays. Damn humans fixed AIDS, so now I'm back to throwing hurricanes at the East Coast. I'd do California, but my hurricane throwing arm is still tuckered out from last hurricane season and it's just a little far to push it."

    Seriously--I can't help but wonder why God was pissed off at Galveston in 1900. They had a devastating hurricane that killed 6000 people.

    The notion that anyone who believes this shit can get within shooting range of the office of the President makes me want to pull my hair out... or pummel a conservative. Whichever comes first.

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  49. Of course Jim, I am, the star of the party... full of wisdom and happiness... with a pinch of sarcism. In all honestly, I have no idea what the future holds. I don't even know what I'm having for supper yet. I'm just so happy with the current state of nation. My 100K job is dependent on gov't working... In my short life, I noticed that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes... we all have to make do with what resources we are given. We all have one vote... I might as will waste it on crazy because at least I know it's going to be the most entertaining... because the last time I voted for the Messiah hoping it was the anti-Christ.

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  50. but it was neither.

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  51. Revcrab makes a good point. I actually know some christians who do good stuff. I have a nephew who spent two years on a mission in Guatamala building schools, digging wells, fixing machines on farms etc. He'll talk about Jesus if asked, but his "ministry" is just building things.

    There's this little passage in the sixth chapter of Matthew:
    "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

    But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."

    The teabaggers and talibangelists seem to miss that passage.

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  52. Well, for the record, I know many hundreds of Christians who are wonderful people and if anybody deserves to go to a heaven and live forever, they do. And on that note, I know a large number of Muslims who are of similar nature.

    But it's people like Bachman, Perry, and the smug holier than thou fundamentalists who continue to presume to speak for their miserable angry small minded rat bastard of a God and keep attempting to turn the country into some miserable small minded rat bastard of a theocracy that are getting on my nerves. I will continue to ridicule these people and their silly stupid bullshit as long and as loudly as it takes.

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  53. I always wondered if God uses weather to punish the wicked, why is there always so much collateral damage? You would think that an all-powerful being would be able to aim his wrath more selectively. Maybe he'll be unleashing his hate-seeking missile on a gaggle of surprised teabaggers soon!

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  54. pssst, Antthenut, I believe a group of teabaggars is known as a scrotum

    i read it on the internet

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  55. The Tom Waits conversation above reminded me of this, which I think is germane to our discussion.
    http://youtu.be/W9mhsW5aWJM

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  56. I couldn't help but notice that the Earthquake hit DC the day Tripoli fell. And Hurricane Irene turned to the North East the day they found Kadaffi's collection of Condi photos.

    If God is delivering message via natural disaster, what conclusion am I to draw from this?

    Wake me when a hurricane strikes Las Vegas. THEN maybe I'll stat to take these religious nuts seriously.

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  57. Really enjoy your writing Jim.

    But I have to be a bit of a pedant here- The Minnesota Madwoman's name is correctly spelled "Michele Bachmann".

    To steal a line from someone far more clever than myself (possibly Will Durst), "That's one "l", two "n"s and no sense."

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  58. Hey, Bachman(n) plays and fast loose with reality so I figure turnabout is fair play.

    You buying this?

    I'll fix it. Mugsy also pointed out that it's the Book of Revelation not Revelations. Which I actually knew, but typed wrong anyway.

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  59. Jim, I totally get it. My fingers look like bratwursts. My typing would not suffer if I were wearing boxing gloves.

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  60. My hands are fairly badly damaged. I have very little feeling in the left one, which is a major pain because I'm actually left handed. Leads to a lot of typos - though in this case, my misspelling wasn't a typo, I just typed Bachmann's name wrong.

    As a General Rule: never hit people with your hands, that's what tools are for.

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  61. I'll try to remember "Wright's General Rule of Hands".

    And, right on with the Tom Waits idea.

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  62. Errors corrected.

    Part of my problems is that I type very fast, I tend to type from reflex (having once been trained as a code copier by the military), both my hands have been frostbitten, both have been repeatedly broken, and I suffer nerve damage in the left arm.

    Between that and the rain, any reasonable person would assume God was telling me to stay away from a keyboard. Unfortunately for God, my hearing is damaged too.

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  63. Please don't think me unfeeling but most of us here are grateful for your hearing damage.

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  64. I SAID WE'RE ALL GLAD THAT YOU"RE FUCKING DEAF!

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  65. Typed that one badly, didn't I?

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  66. Well, you're obviously going to fit in fine around here. Welcome to Liberty Hall, you may spit on the mat and call the cat a bastard.

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  67. This is brilliant. I shall post this to my facebook page and anger my priest friends(the only good thing that ever came out of going to Catholic school).

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  68. I'm honored. Thank you kindly, Jim.

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  69. Actually, the tricky part of spelling her name is that it's "Michele", with just one 'l', being the freak of unnature that she is. For some reason (5 years of German, maybe?), "Bachmann" never gave me so much trouble.

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  70. Bachmann's inability to perceive the speciousness of her argument is hardly new: the Rev. John Hagee, for example, said that Katrina was "God's" punishment visited on New Orleans for its wicked, wicked ways. Most of us thought it was a storm generated by low pressure over warm water pushing precipitation upwards because of the siphoning of seawater leading to a counter-clockwise, wind-driven disturbance. Hagee still believes in "miracles," "signs and portents" and such. Bleedin' idiot. As is Bachmann.

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  71. Excellent yet again!

    The chief of surgical oncology where I went to school used to explain the behavior of mast cell cancer by quoting Dr. Seuss. Who knew he also wrote a Book of Revelations? I guess you miss seeing these things when you're raised without religion.

    Thanks for the laughs - and the logic in the face of the cuckoo contingent. Not a job for wimps.

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  72. Honestly, who spells Michelle with only one ell?

    One ell? That sounds vaguely foreign to me. Now, she claims she's from one of the those Midwestern states, you know, near Canada. Hey, I'm not saying anything here, wouldn't want to start any rumors, but I think we're going to need to see a birth certificate. A long form genuine vault copy signed by Jesus. It's the only way to be sure.

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  73. I thought that was taking off and nuking them from orbit? It's the only way to be sure.

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  74. He's just a grunt, he can't make that kind of call.

    No offense.

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  75. Regarding god's lousy aim, see Ruben Bolling's latest GodMan cartoon at Tom the Dancing Bug blog:

    dancinghttp://gocomics.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c5f3053ef015434f36787970c-pi

    As for the correct spelling of Crazy Eyes' name, it's

    m-i-c-HELL-e

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  76. OK that's her secret satan spelling, but I'm sure it's the real one.

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  77. and the 2nd reason Iraq is better than Texas is ...Rick Perry #3 Rick Perry #4 Rick Perry #5 Shrub #6 Dick Cheny ( orginal Texan)

    personal note:
    left arm nerve damage RSD ? may have a treatment option if so.. daughter has it

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  78. Not RSD. There are some surgical options, none good, and none that I'm willing to try until it gets worse - which they tell me it may or may not. Cross that bridge when the time comes.

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  79. On a somewhat related note (more directly related to your Rick Perry post, but close enough to this one), check out this new-Pharyngula post on the efficacy of Perry's prayer project. Beautiful map!

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  80. I'm with you on the hands having had 5-6 major surgeries on both hands including 3 broken meta-carpals. The real problem is a cute little condition called Dupytren's Contracture.

    You should have been taught in basic to not use your fists, although a roll of dimes helps a lot.

    The hearing may have a military connection, when I was tested for hearing aides, both ears, the audiologist looked at the results and told me I had been either Army or Marines.

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  81. Chortle... a roll of coins in the necktie(Navy) works really well, and gives you some added reach- unfortunately for me, Zum-Zum was CNO, and we all had those fake Chief's uniforms then.. as for ears, when you work with boom-boom stuff or aircraft engines,the hearing loss creeps up on you... DOES give me an excuse with the old lady for saying "What's that
    Dear? I can't hear you "

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  82. I suspect that those to conditions would be picked up as well, what the audiologist was picking up was the difference in the right vs left ear. We didn't use ear protection in 68.

    I know that Army and Marine rifle training was far more extensive than Air Force ( I spent time at Lackland and was invited to observe a couple times). I was told the same was true of the navy.

    I was billeted in the training area of Lackland, crypto school, and used the same PX as the recruits. They kept saluting, finally asked a DI about this. He figured it was the enlisted collar insignia getting them confused, stopped wearing fatigues in the area, as khakis still used sleeve.

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  83. Everyone here in and around Austin was really looking forward to Labor Day. Weather reports have been predicting a high in the low 90s, with lows around 60.

    But of course, the winds that blew the front in have been strong, and some Marlboro cowboy must have flipped his cigarette butt out the pickumup truck window. So we have a HUGE fire around Austin -- 14,000 acres burning, over 300 homes burned down last night.

    Whole city smells like really bad barbeque right now.

    But it IS cooler.

    God's really whacking us hard with the irony stick.

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  84. I should point out that Austin has had 100+ weather for I think 74 days until. Over 110 everyday for the end of August.

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  85. Jim Wright,

    " Of course, before Obama it was Clinton the Anti-Christ. It’s always the Son of Satan with these people. Always."

    And every Republican after President Obama's job is always stupid and crazy. Always .

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  86. Yo witless,

    My irony detector is a little rusty. Am I supposed to read your comment in BBC newsreader voice or grumpy Californian college kid circa Bill & Ted voice?

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  87. Now now, silly Witless, I don't think anybody has ever called Jon Huntsman or Mitt Romney crazy or stupid. On the other hand, neither of them is a Republican front-runner either, not since Governor Goodhair (who manages the "dumb" part quite well thank you very much) got into the race, yee-haw! I suppose the question is, why are potential Republican primary voters shunning the smart and sane dudes and flocking to support the crazy and dumb, especially the crazy and dumb who think God, like, can't just IM if he wants to send a message and instead has to send earthquakes and hurricanes and shit? But that question is one better left for anthropologists, perhaps. (And BTW, Governor Goodhair's home smells a lot like fire and brimstone today, thanks to the roaring wildfires around Austin. Perhaps if he believes in messages from God, that's one he should listen to? ;).

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  88. Jim, there is a place in West Texas not too far away from where I was born, and it's called "IATAN" - Once called " 'Satan's Flat' because of the hot summer days, and low flat land," never grew to more than 300 people. But the town was a shipping point for cattle in 1881, and had four stops on the Texas and Pacific Railroad. When the town submitted an application for a post office, the clerk misread the name Satan, or for what ever reason listed the town as "Iatan." The low flat area the residents had settled in turned into a lake of mud whenever it rained, and for this reason, the town was moved several times, once two miles west upon a hillside, and then back down on the flat again.

    That, my friend, is really Hell on earth, at Iatan Flats, in West Texas. It's full of scorpions, rattle snakes, prickly pear, probably every poisoned spider in Texas, a heat that is beyond unbearable (if it's 105 where our ranch is, it's 117 at Iatan Flats). Satan Flats. On Planet Earth. :)

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  89. Jim, here is a link to where I got that little official history. The only thing left of the settlemen is a cemetery. Pretty amazing stuff, if you think about it. People tried to settle everywhere and some places just aren't conducive to living. http://www.cemeteries-of-tx.com/Wtx/Mitchell/cemetery/Iatan.html

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  90. sibusisodan,

    " My irony detector is a little rusty. Am I supposed to read your comment in BBC newsreader voice or grumpy Californian college kid circa Bill & Ted voice?"

    Dead pan.

    BadTux

    " I don't think anybody has ever called Jon Huntsman or Mitt Romney crazy or stupid. "

    For Huntsman and Romney, that is very very bad. It means you guys do not fear them .

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  91. Nope, I fear Huntsman and Romney quite a bit, witless, because one of them might attract enough independent voters to actually win the general election. But you're right, I don't fear them winning the Republican nomination, because they have no chance -- you must be crazy, stupid, or both nowadays. The days of a Richard Nixon or a Dwight D. Eisenhower (both bright guys, albeit Nixon was so twisted he needed a corkscrew to put his boots on in the morning) winning the GOP nomination appear to be over -- which, I might add, is good news for the Democrats. That's how Obama won in 2008, not because he was a particularly attractive candidate (he had a slight melanin problem when dealing with the common clay), but because the GOP nominated a candidate that repulsed independent voters (well, not McCain, but Palin certainly did). I have to say that Obama is the luckiest politician to ever live, because he's winning elections not because anybody really likes him, but because he's running against people who are crazy, stupid, or both. He ought to give the Medal of Freedom to Sarah Palin for winning the 2008 election for him, yo ;).

    - Badtux the Snarky Electoral Penguin

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  92. Bad news about Austin's fire! Austin is the only city in Texas I like. It is a way-cool place.

    In the security line at the Dallas Airport last year, I was next to a long, tall, cowboy fellow who was really nice about my being sent back to the line in front of him (the only airport in years that insisted I go back and take my laptop out of my airport security-ready laptop bag). He asked where I was going and when I told him I was going to Austin and I was looking forward to it, he said, "Austin is a great place. Austin isn't really Texas." (<;

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  93. "For Huntsman and Romney, that is very very bad. It means you guys do not fear them."
    Witless Rule #1: Assume bad faith.

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  94. @Randy, I think you might have missed a step, i.e. the part where somebody explains to me why I should fear my politicians.

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  95. Bad Tux,

    I respectfully believe you have analyzed the 2008 election wrong . President Obama's melanin was a big plus, not a minus. Just as Governor Palin's addition was a big plus for McCain. McCain had been a big yawn previously .

    I would love to go point by point, but the over riding factor that threw the election to Democrats was the various financial bombshells that hit just before the election . The timing for Obama and Biden was amazingly fortunate. Being from the party out of power, there was no way for them to lose.

    In the 2012 election the economy will again decide. This time Obama and Biden are the party in power and right or wrong will get the blame.

    I do not believe the independents will factor in at all this time. The President will have to get a couple of lucky breaks on the economy, or it won't matter who Republicans run.

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  96. I think President Obama's melanin mattered to boomers and older, but didn't matter to most younger voters. Fortunately, there has been progress and most of them just don't care. Surveys show that even among conservative youth, race and sexual orientation matter less to most of them than they do to their parents. (Thanks MTV and TV for that at least.)

    I do agree that voters turned out to vote against Republicans, not for Democrats, which is why Democrats won despite 10 years of concerted voter disenfranchisement and placing of dubious electronic voting machines around the country. Wrecking our voting system worked for the previous two elections, but not for Obama's because Americans were so traumatized they turned out in larger numbers, most angry with the Bush administration.

    I fear any nutjob candidate because the nutjobs garnering national attention have big bucks behind them and are part of a long-range (since the 1980s), well orchestrated take over by the religious right and uber wealthy (working together, and sometimes the same people).

    Ronald Reagan was a charming lightweight who served eight years, at least six of them after the onset of dementia. Little Bush is a simple, troubled, dimwit, and he served eight years. Lack of ability doesn't matter anymore. Marketing matters.

    Americans, notoriously shortsighted and impatient, tend to vote against the incumbent when there are not enough jobs to keep the middle-class comfortable.

    Americans are on the receiving end of relentless propaganda successfully masked as news and intellectual discourse. This organized, concerted propaganda effort launched in the 1980s has been ramped up more as each success created more wealth to devote to it. Now, thanks to TV, radio, and the Internet, Americans are deluged with it. Even Google and other search engines contribute to the problem with their prediction programs directing users to sites the programs think they will want based on what they've already looked at, thereby, eliminating even accidental discoveries of other points-of-view and new information.

    Hence, I view all ideological right-wingers as a threat to my freedoms, my ability to survive economically, and a serious threat to the future of my children.

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  97. beemodern ,

    " I think President Obama's melanin mattered to boomers and older, but didn't matter to most younger voters. Fortunately, there has been progress and most of them just don't care. "

    I think you are wrong. A whole lot of people had to prove they were not racist, and so overlooked Senator Obama's inexperience . They have now gotten that out of their systems .

    " Americans are on the receiving end of relentless propaganda successfully masked as news and intellectual discourse. "

    So that explains the 2010 midterms. I thought Americans had just gotten really stupid suddenly .

    " Hence, I view all ideological right-wingers as a threat to my freedoms, my ability to survive economically, and a serious threat to the future of my children. "

    It is comforting to know that no matter what Independents do, the Obama base will go down with the ship .

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  98. Why did the Republican Party run McCain in the last election? He was a terrible candidate. He was a visibly old, pasty, boring speechmaker with an annoying voice running against a young, vibrant, athletic, masculine man capable of inspiring speechmaking. McCain looked like a confused, feeble, shiny, sweaty dumpling next to Obama and everyone in politics knows that no candidate who looks bad on TV can win. That's been true since Kennedy beat Nixon.

    Both Republicans and Democrats are anointed by their party leaders. The days of actual conventions where delegates vote and we won't know the outcome until everyone has voted are long over. So why did Republican leaders anoint McCain as their candidate? My guess is that running McCain was part of a strategic plan.

    McCain, who's always been opportunistic, desperately wanted to be president for so long, he was arrogant and foolish enough to think he had a real shot at his last chance. He was ripe for use.

    The Bush administration went out a dismal failure, so let the Democrat win against a lousy Republican candidate. Spend the next four years spreading propaganda blaming the new guy for everything (just like previously blaming Clinton as a smokescreen cover for Bush administration no-goodnik actions). Keep up a steady diet of vitriolic fear-mongering about government in general along with Obama's intentions and perceived failures. Block any and all efforts to improve the economy so Americans are really in a heated tizzy by the next election. Then run the candidate who can win and will continue the power and wealth grab, as well as increased theological ideologically based government and authoritarianism enriching the few.

    Notice how Perry looks like Bush, handsome, a little rugged, masculine, with a full head of hair and folksy accent? Romney is handsome and tall-looks good on TV.

    I doubt Michele B really has a chance at being the anointed. She is majorly stupid and allowed to talk in public, unlike little Bush was. Same with Palin. If they had a real shot, they would be kept away from microphones like Bush was.

    The sexists running things aren't going to run a woman candidate, but she appeals to the Palin devotees just in case Palin has lost too much luster.

    The purpose those sort of candidates serve, which garners them financial support for now, are that they make the the real chosen one look less scary by nomination and election time. Some of them can also be used to serve in D.C in some capacity, ensuring the coalition remains cohesive.

    We know we are in trouble when candidates considered fringe even 10 years ago are now considered more acceptable, even mainstream, because they look so good compared to the fringe outlyers that are front and center now.

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  99. "I think you are wrong. A whole lot of people had to prove they were not racist, and so overlooked Senator Obama's inexperience . They have now gotten that out of their systems ."

    You may think that, but the research does not support your viewpoint. Thinking something doesn't make it true. Thinking needs to be backed up with research of non-biased information that can connect the dots with verifiable information.

    Lumping all with viewpoints differing from yours into one camp, such as the "Obama base" is erroneous, underestimating those you are stereotyping. In fact, among those voting against Republicans, there is much more diversity of thought than there is among those voting for Republicans.

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  100. beemodern,

    " Block any and all efforts to improve the economy so Americans are really in a heated tizzy by the next election. "

    So 2009 and 2010, when you guys had the Presidency and big majorities in the Senate and House, and Republicans could not block anything, those two years never happened ?

    " You may think that, but the research does not support your viewpoint. Thinking something doesn't make it true. Thinking needs to be backed up with research of non-biased information that can connect the dots with verifiable information. "

    I Think that your research is not non biased . I Think that you are doing a lot of wishful Thinking in your analysis .

    " Lumping all with viewpoints differing from yours into one camp, such as the "Obama base" is erroneous, underestimating those you are stereotyping. In fact, among those voting against Republicans, there is much more diversity of thought than there is among those voting for Republicans. "

    That's very interesting . My vast research, conducted by viewing President Obama's latest poll numbers, suggest that you could be in error .

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  101. Wow, so 2009 and 2010 did *not* witness an unprecedented record number of filibusters in the Senate to stop the Democratic agenda in your universe? What color are the unicorns in your universe, witless? Pink? And the cotton candy trees, are they yummy?

    Of course, in *this* universe, the Republican minority used every trick in the book to keep the Democrats from passing the majority of their agenda during 2009-2010, but hey, let's not confuse a narrative with facts from *this* universe, when there's a whole fictional universe out there to explore where cotton candy grows on trees, unicorns are pink, and Republican obstructionism didn't exist in 2009-2010. After all, who cares about truth when there's talking points and lies to spread? Alrighty, then!

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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  102. Witless is a good moniker for you. I see now that you are a poser, lying about your efforts to be well-informed just to keep the attention of people who are. Pretending to be an intellectual doesn't make you one. Intellectual laziness is uninteresting, therefore not worth attention.

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  103. And what's with the "When you guys had the..."? I'm not a Democrat. Jim said he isn't a Democrat. The inability to stop lumping those you see as your opponents into a groupthink is another sign you are a poser, and for me, a yawn.

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  104. I've never felt the need to prove I'm not a racist. Most likely, anyone who feels pressure to prove they are not racist, is a racist.

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  105. And on that note, @Witless, you're done. I've run out of patience waiting for you to quit throwing passive aggressive little jabs around, moving the goal posts, and get to the point. Obviously you don't have a point beyond your usual trollage. Your feigned ignorance is getting on my nerves.

    You're the blowhard at the party, witless, show yourself to the door.

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  106. Jim Wright,

    Since you will delete this message anyway, I will address it strictly to you.

    You run a hell of an echo chamber .

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  107. Passive Aggressive to the bitter end, I see.

    Echo chamber? I guess that's another word for enjoying the interaction of reasonable and intelligent people who don't act like miserable little 15 year old assholes. Call me crazy.

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  108. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  109. @witless, I'll give you this, you are nothing if not consistant. Go back yahoo and foxnews now.

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  110. Jim,

    I came to this post a bit late, but I especially love the McClintock reference. Oh yes, Okra God rawks as well

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  111. Matt is my new favorite. Anybody who recognizes a McClintok! riff gets posted a beer should we ever be in the same place together.

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