Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Sound of One Hand Clapping...

I've often thought the United States would be a better place if it were legal to just smack the shit out of stupid people.

You know, as a public service.

There's an old adage when it comes to training dogs: It's never, ever necessary to hit an animal ... but sometimes you've got to rap that sucker hard right across the nose to get its attention.

See, behavior modification, that's what I have in mind.

Just slap the stupid right out them.  Nothing else seems to work. Not reason, not logic, not education, self-interest, nothing. Electroshock seems a tad extreme, but only a tad - and it takes special equipment (Though in certain cases, I could see spending public money to equip especially persistent stupid people with those electroshock collars used to train dogs). No, a slap seems about right, and anybody can do it.

Think of it like an intervention:

"Say, Bob, I've been thinking about joining that Church of L. Ron Hubbard. The one all the Hollywood stars belong to.  See, you give them all of your money, and they help you get rid of the invisible alien ghosts hiding in your brain! Here's a pamphlet. Sounds good to me. Whatdayathink?"


"Ow! Hey! But Tom Cruise said..."


"Whoa, what the fuck was I thinking? Thanks, Bro. You saved my ass."


See, like that.

Think about it for a moment. Think of how much better the world would be if you could just slap stupid when you see it.  You'd feel better. Lower stress. Less frustrated. The stupid would be reduced.  All of us benefit.

This  could be the thing that pulls the economy out of the drain.  Not only would the idiots who got us into this mess get slapped around, but whole new industries could be created: remote slapping devices, devices to assist the handicapped in slapping, slapping instructors and courses to help identify proper technique and targeting, ear plugs manufacturing to help protect the population's hearing from the shear volume of all that slapping, proxy slapping services. Sure it'll be rough at first, but things will quiet down after a while, as the stupid gets knocked out of people.

Some people though, are going to get smacked around a lot.  Just like with dogs, some are just not trainable. Despite everything you do, some people just persist in their stupidity.

Take this guy for example: Leo Donofrio. Leo filed suit in New Jersey during the election to challenge Barack Obama's  citizenship. Leo lost. He lost for a number of rather obvious reasons not the least of which is the fact that Obama's birth certificate has been verified by the State of Hawaii and a dozen Federal agencies.  It's really just that simple.  Obama then went on to become the President-elect. This does not please Leo or his idiot friends. So he then appealed. Tomorrow the US Supreme Court will review the case and make a determination whether or not to take it up. Legal experts say that there is little likelihood that SCOTUS will actually rule on the case, but this stupidity is still sucking up government time, resources, and money.  Somebody needs a good slap up side their head is what I'm saying here.

Leo's not alone either, there's plenty of stupid to go around. Alan Keyes is suing to halt certification of the California election. A guy in Kentucky brought suit seeking to have a federal judge review Obama's original birth certificate rather than allow the nation to just take Hawaii's word for it.  Andy Martin filed a similar suit in Hawaii, and six more cases pretty much exactly the same have been filed elsewhere. Most have been dismissed. Then there's a guy who filed suit in Hawaii against the "Peoples Association of Human, Animals Conceived Gods and Religions, John McCain, and the USA Government" who wants Obama's citizenship revoked.  This guy also previously sued Wikipedia and "All News Media" for perpetuating what he sees as false information about Obama and various other people.  And, of course, the most famous case questioning Obama's citizenship was the one filed in Pennsylvania last August on behalf of Phil Berg, who sought to prevent the DNC from nominating Obama in the first place. Uh, he lost - for the those of you not paying attention.

Now seriously folks, what's it going to take? Barack Obama's citizenship, his natural born citizenship, has been verified.  No really.   The State of Hawaii has verified the birth certificate.  A number of Federal agencies have verified the birth certificate and Obama's background in detail. You may never have had a security clearance, but I have and I'm telling you that when you get the kind of background checks required for a clearance the FBI knows what kind of diapers your mother pinned to your dirty ass as a baby.  But nothing, nothing, will ever convince these idiots. Nothing. Not even if they held Obama's birth certificate in their own little sweaty hands.  The man isn't even president yet, and these idiots are spinning out conspiracy theories like crazed Loch Ness Monster hunters. The Internet is full of their bullshit. Not one shred of proof to support their claims actually exists - well unless you include the "inconsistencies between the English and Italian translations of the Wikipedia" that a couple of these retards claim as evidence in support of their silliness. Their paranoia would be almost funny if it wasn't so damned stupid.  And it is stupidity, not skepticism, not a desire for truth, or any actual verified information. Stupidity, plain, simple, deliberate, and booger eating

I mean, seriously folks, this kind of stupidity is what the end result of anti-intellectualism, anti-elitism looks like. This kind of stupidity, this reveling in stupidity, is what the future of Neocon evolution, (ur, sorry Neocon intelligent design) looks like. Right here.


Somebody needs to knock some sense into these people.


  1. Yeah, I got in a few rounds with the brain trust at texasdarlin.wordpress.com. Typical exchange:

    TD Yahoo: Dual citizenship disqualifies you from the Presidency.

    Me: No. See "Chester Arthur."

    TD Yahoo: Chester Arthur - who's he?

  2. One of the amusing ironies of the situation being that there are (of course) parallel-wackos on the other side of the aisle who were questioning whether McCain's birth on a base in the Panama Canal Zone counts--leaving one to wonder if the loonies you refer to, Jim, have contemplated the possibility that if they somehow won they might still lose if their precedent were applied consistently.

    It is amusing to try to figure out what would happen if Obama's and McCain's candidacies were voided. (Much in the same way as it's amusing to imagine what would happen if aliens were really obsessed with bovine uteri or the CIA had really used bullets made of ice to murder JFK--this is why we're SF/F fans, remember? Hell, maybe there's a premise in there somewhere for somebody if there is a UCF writing game in a few months--you're welcome to it if there is.)

  3. 21st president - didn't even have to look that up - it's been stuck in my head for some reason. OUT OUT!

    Oh, Jim, Jim, JIm...

    I hear ya, I feel your pain...

    MOst of the stupid I observe is from people wanting their own way (hell with the rest of 'em!) without consideration that we just might all be trying to get along, people that are too lazy to look something up and cross-check it a couple times for the fact factor, and people that think they can 'be rude and be right!' or that they are more right the more they raise their voice. Sigh... I also see people doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - not learning from experience (1 or 2 times, guys - not 40 or 50...). I have disbieving moments too often lately, though I also laugh more these days - it's a weird trade-off.

    Back when the McDonalds Coffee-Crotch Case was happening I was so hopeful that the judge would break down in fits of laughter when he heard the suit, and then tell the plaintiff, 'What the hell were you thinking putting a barely contained, blistering hot cup of coffee between your thighs? Dumbass. Get the hell out of my courtroom - I have better things to do... Bailiff, open a window - smells like steamed clams in here... NEXT CASE!' Well, that didn't happen - but I hope to hear some belly laughs tomorrow.

    Meantime, I'm getting out my cross-draw rig and practice my backhand and my surly look of disbelief.

    Is it too late to get Roy Bean appointed?

  4. The problem with stupid people is that it takes an enormous amount of time and effort to refute their stupidity. Therefore, most people don't bother - so the stupidity just keeps getting repeated with no response from any smart people. And therefore the semismart people believe it.

    I get to slap around my very own token neocon idiot in a chat channel I mod. Before the election I had to do it on a near daily basis. It wears one down it does.

    *grinds teeth*

  5. "TD Yahoo: Chester Arthur - who's he?"

    I admit I din't know Chester Arthur. But I can also use Google.

    Take that, Yahoo!

  6. Uh oh, you're in serious trouble now, Karl.

    See, I once made the same mistake elsewhere. Eric, he's a nice guy, or so it seems. But push the McDonald's Coffee button and you're gonna need a bullet proof vest. Just sayin'. You might want to seek cover, now.

    Chester Arthur, mmmm, I wonder if when he was running for Vice President alongside Garfield, if Grant's people referred to him as Chester ALAN Arthur (Alan, of course, being a common terrorist name in Canada).


  7. Jim, so you're saying I should leave the take down to Eric? :)

    Regarding slapping stupid, if that happened, I would never get *anything* done. My building is filled with 18 to 25 year olds most of whom believe they are entitled.

    I think my hand would get sore pretty quickly.

  8. Naw, Michelle, 18-25 year olds are supposed to be ignorant. It's part of being twenty. We were all that way once (well, most of us anyway ;).

    It's only if you don't learn, if you persist in remaining 18 for your whole damned life that makes you stupid.

    It's one thing for an 18 year old to loudly advocate nuking Iran from a navy aircraft carrier without having any comprehension of the consequences - that's the ignorance of youth. It's another thing entirely for a sixty plus year old Senator who's running for President to advocate the same thing - that's deliberate stupidity.

    Same with the Obama isn't a citizen bit. If you believe this crap and you're, um, say three, well I think you can be forgiven. If you believe this crap and you're Alan Keyes, well, you're a fucking idiot and you deserve to get slapped. Hard. Repeatedly. As many times as it takes.

  9. Y'know, my 19 yo is pretty typical of his age bracket, doesn't have knowledge or judgment, but even he wouldn't be filing lawsuits over political urban legends.

    Although I could just see him texting me. "Mom, how do I file a lawsuit?"

    Mom's reply. "You don't. Get your butt back in class."

    End of discussion.

  10. I wish I knew who said this so I could give him/her appropriate credit:

    "The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?"

  11. Jim, as one ambitious writer to another, I thought I should point out that you could have redacted this sentence:

    If you believe this crap and you're Alan Keyes, well, you're a fucking idiot and you deserve to get slapped.

    ...to read:

    If... you're Alan Keyes... you're a fucking idiot and you deserve to get slapped.

    ...thereby removing some surplusage. Brevity is the soul of wit, etc. Hope that's helpful.

  12. Nuking Iran from an aircraft carrier. Hmm... when I was in my 20s, and Iran held the hostages, this movie came out called The Final Countdown.

    We were sure the whole point of this movie was to be able to send a copy to the Ayatollah and tell him, just watch what an F-14 can do to a Zero. You just wait.

    "...This is the USS Nimitz. Where The Hell Are We...?"

    Dr. Phil

  13. If they were really, really stupid would we be allowed to slap them with something, say the flat part of a shovel?

  14. "Somebody needs to knock some sense into these people."

    ::bouncing up and down in chair with hand raised::

    oo oo oo pick me pick me!

  15. If we, who did not drink from the "stupid" koolaid, spent all our time slapping the ones that did (or worse...shudder...were born that way), the medical profession will have to come up with names for the new occupational injuries we're sure to develop

    whack elbow...

    worse, it would encourage the stupids in the medical profession! We probably should refrain from encouraging the medico stupids. They seem to do that enough on their own.


  16. MWT - Could I borrow that comment about the problem with stupid people?

  17. I really wish you'd titled this post "The Sound of One Hand Slapping..."

    See, cause a single hand can't clap, so the sound is a mystery, but a single hand can slap, and the sound is a satisfying "spoopk!"

  18. spoopk!

    I like that, I may be using that in the future.

    See, Tom, it's sort of a Chief thing. On my last ship, when a JO (junior officer) did something stupid, the Chief would ask,

    Chief: "Excuse me Ensign, do you know what the sound of one hand clapping sounds like?"
    Ensign: "No, Chief"
    Chief: "It sounds a lot like me clappin' you upside yo head. Don't do that again."
    Ensign: "Yes, Chief. Thank you, Chief."
    Chief: "Carry on, Enswine."

  19. Borrow? You mean, you're planning to give it back when you're done?

    Sure, borrow away. ;) We (the UCF) recently demonstrated the concept when we debunked Walter Wagner, if you need an example of how it works in action.

  20. MWT - thanks.

    I'm done - you can have it back now ;-)

  21. I can just see the lawsuits now:
    "Yes your honor, he was being quite stupid, I was forced to smack him upside the head almost continuously, and now I carpal tunnel and tennis elbow from all that smacking, he should pay the medical bills."

  22. What? You're not going to tell me what you did with it? But I need to know where it's been!! o.O

  23. MWT, he quoted you on his blog, Private Mars Rocket. Chris' blog is definitely worth perusing. Go take a look.

    Oh what the hell. Everybody. All of you, grab your drinks and let's go mess up Chris' site.

  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

  25. Let's try that again...

    The limits of stupidity have no bounds: the Palm Pistol.

    I am a combination of speechless and bug-eyed, because the darned thing looks like an inhaler. Can you imagine it? BLAM!


  26. But at least SCOTUS won't hear the case...

  27. Face::Palm

    Natalie speechless and bug-eyed, nothing I do will ever be as stupid as the logic behind that device - so, you know, at least I've got that going for me.

    Stupidity, it knows no bounds.

  28. I saw the SCOTUS report this morning. The rejection was widely expected, still it gives me joy to see it official.

  29. Natalie, my head exploded when reading the article you linked. So I won't be doing any slapping for a while, 'cause it takes both hands and a lot of time to clean exploded head bits out of my keyboard.

    Slight tanget: in Hollywood the $cientologists have a winter scene right on Hollywood Blvd., with Santa and everything. As I hate $cientology with every fiber of my being, as I walked past it last week, I said repeatedly, rather loudly (without shouting), "Keep your kids away from the cult! Keep your kids away from the cult!" The next night they had added a churro stand, so I turned to CuteFilmNerd and said, again loudly, "Honey, look! Churros with thetans! Now they'll never be clear!" He laughed.

    I'm super obnoxious when it comes to $cientology.

  30. Gosh Carol -- you didn't even need to mistake it for an inhaler to make your head explode. I am impressed.

    As for Scientologists, my opinion is thus: If they want to follow a of religion made up by a science fiction author, the least they could do is pick one from a first-rate author... If I could choose, I'd be an adherent of the Five Gods religion from Lois Bujold's Chalion series.

    I DESPISE Scientology completely and absolutely and I prayed (to the Alien Master -- as good a god as any, right?) that Tom Cruise would never star in a movie again after the shit he spewed at Brooke Shields. Okay, Natalie, calm down, go away, and chew on the carpet or something...


  31. FDA 1, Stupid 0 (at least for today). The FDA told the Palm Pistol company to Go Away!


  32. The inventor is crying foul. "I would assume it's due to political pressure," said Matthew M. Carmel, from Maplewood, N.J. He said he's researching a possible appeal.

    I would assume it's due to Matt Carmel being a fucking idiot. Heh.


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