Stop calling my house.
No, really, stop calling me.
Seriously, Ted, fuck the hell off.
This includes your wife, daughter, and any other member of your family including your goddamned computer. I'm not interested in welcoming you home to Alaska. I'm not interested in welcoming you home to the Valley. I'm not interested in participating in an online town hall meeting. So far your idiotic recorded messages have interrupted my dinner or my TV show a dozen times now, and today alone I've gotten five automated calls from either you or people who want me to vote for you. This has passed irritation for me and is moving into the realm of harassment. You never gave a shit what I thought before your legal problems, you never asked for my opinion before - but now that you're a convicted felon, suddenly you want to connect to me? Yeah, kiss my ass, Ted Stevens.
Let's see if I can clear this up for you: I'm not voting for you. Period. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Really, piss off.
Even if I was inclined to vote Republican this time around, which I emphatically am not, I wouldn't vote for you. You want to know why? It's simple really: because you think I'm stupid. Because you think all of us Alaskans are stupid. Because you hold your constituents in contempt. Because you're an arrogant son of a bitch who has been around too damned long and because you think you can get away with anything. And because when you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, you tried to lie your way out of it instead of taking responsibility.
Let's review, shall we? Your legal defense consisted of "I paid all the bills I was given," and "I did nothing wrong." Fail. Even if you're telling the truth, which I seriously doubt, it's still big old jumbo sized can of fail.
There are two possibilities here: 1) You really are so stupid and so naive and so out of touch with reality that you actually think that all those home improvements only cost a couple of bucks, in which case you are too stupid and too naive and too out of touch with the average Alaskan homeowner to be our Senator, or 2) you're a lying guilty sack of shit, who knew exactly what that stuff cost - which is why you didn't declare it on your Congressional Disclosure Reports - in which case you shouldn't be my Senator. There isn't another option and either way you're not getting my vote.
Now, even if I did have some pity for a greedy old man who's career has ended in disgrace, there's the rest of it, the automated phone calls and the TV commercials telling me how you've done so much for Alaska, and how you're the only guy who can represent our state, how we'll lose our seniority in the Senate should you not be reelected. While the rest of us Alaskans were paying $4.70 a gallon, or higher, for gas, you were getting you pockets lined. While the rest of us are facing record high heating costs this winter, losing our jobs, losing our houses, losing our businesses, losing our insurance, hell in some cases losing entire villages, where exactly are you? Getting a handjob from Bill Allen? What is it exactly that you've done for me and my fellow citizens - I mean other than make us all look like fools? You expect me to believe that you're the best we can do? I don't think so.
We're got a governor who's busy making the rest of the world think Alaskan's are all goofy, ignorant, uneducated, racist, alarmist, GWB lovin' rednecks. We've got a significant portion of our state government under indictment, in jail, or on their way to the same. We've got our only US Representative under investigation. And you want me to vote for you?
Despite what you might think, Uncle Teddy, I'm not that stupid. If you really wanted my vote, if you really wanted to know what I think, if you really wanted my suggestion - well, then you should have done one simple thing: Your Job. With honor, and integrity, and honesty. You should have looked out for Alaskans, all Alaskans, not just your pals in the oil industry. You would have been out here in the Valley, and on the slope, and in the interior villages, in the schools, and the towns, and the hospitals.
Instead you and the morons who support you want me to believe that given a choice between a democrat and a convicted felon, I should waste my vote on the felon?
You know what, Ted, screw you and the VECO bribe you rode in on. I don't like being called stupid and I don't like being talked down to, and you know what? I damned sure am not going to take it from you.
Tomorrow we're going to find out if Alaskans really are dumb enough to reelect your convicted, entitled, self-serving ass. I for one sure as hell hope you're wrong, that we really aren't that stupid.
Either way, you're not getting my vote.
So, stop calling me.
Seriously, what the fuck do I have to do here? File a restraining order?
We're now at ten calls today, and three visits at my front door.
I'd take the phone off the hook, but my son is at a basketball game and is going to call me when he's ready to be picked up.
Fuck you, Ted Stevens, leave me alone, you doddering old bastard. If for no other reason than the fact that you're irritating the piss out of me, I hope you rot in prison until you die you arrogant annoying prick.
Eleven calls. I'll tell you all I'm on the verge of kicking an old man's ass. I am.