Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Fun with Spam Math

Spam used to annoy the hell out of me. Then I switched my Norton Anti-Spam configuration to Whitelisting mode and life got a lot better. Maybe one spam email in a thousand makes into my inbox, the rest gets dumped into the spam folder. About once a week I look in the spam folder and flush it out. Anybody who emails me on a regular basis is already on my whitelist, and the anti-spam module is programmed to pass emails with [stonekettle station] in the subject line, so it's pretty rare to get a valid message in the spam folder - still I check, just to make sure. I get a lot of email from active-duty military folks, many who read this blog but are not comfortable commenting in public. So when I saw an email from "LAC cav" in the spam folder I assumed it was from somebody in the military who had forgotten to put the pass phrase in the subject line. So I looked at it, and it turned out that Norton knew what it was doing. Here's the message:

Wazzup jlwright!
I started in May at 5 inches. I grew to 6 inches in 2 months
LAC cav

There was a hyperlink to a website where I assume you could get you some of this, or maybe even see actual pictures of the amazing manhood improvement LAC Cav is bragging about. But for obvious reasons, I didn't include it here. You want 5" porn? You look that shit up on your own, people.

Let's examine this bit of advertising brilliance, shall we?

First: Wazzup? Seriously, spammers, if you want to get my attention don't start with Wazzup! Really, don't. Ever.

Second: Five inches? Five? Now LAC Cav doesn't give specifics, but from the nature of the correspondence I'm going to assume we're talking length here, not girth (because if it's five inches in diameter, you really don't need any enhancement, do you?) Also, I'll assume we're talking five inches erect, not flaccid. Anonymous Spammer or not, seriously, I wouldn't be emailing this little (heh heh) personal detail around the internet. Think about it, you're going to get caught eventually, do you really want to be on international TV as the Five Inch Guy? You're going to get what? Five-to-Ten maybe, then you're a free man, and what's the first thing you want when you get out of prison (besides broadband)? Right, exactly. So you're an ex-con nerd, it's going to be hard (heh heh) enough getting a date. Don't think women won't remember your face from the news either, Five Inch Guy, chicks say that size doesn't matter, but they've got long (heh heh) memories and you don't want to be on the short (heh heh) list. Just saying.

Third: The math. One inch in two months? Well, see something sounds a little (heh heh) off here. He says he started in May, for simplicity I'll assume May of this year. Then he says two months and he's gained a inch. But see, six inches isn't all that impressive either, especially to somebody who's obviously obsessed with length like our buddy, LAC cav. So, you have to assume that he'd keep taking the Super-Length-Enhancing-Herbal-Woody-Maker Supplement up to the present, and if he kept seeing improvement, well, he'd do a little (heh heh) bragging. Since he didn't, I have to assume that one inch is about the best you can expect from the product, no matter how long (heh heh) you take it. May to October is closer to six months, so instead of an impressive 0.5 inches per month of manhood expansion - it's really more like a dinky 0.16 inches per month total to date - and if there isn't any improvement after the first two months (which we can assume from the lack of bragging, and the fact that I haven't seen any TV "male-enhancement" advertisements of some guy named LAC cav pushing his junk along on a canoe trailer) then with each month that goes by the average per month gain gets a little less. Statistically speaking.

Math, is there anything it can't do? (besides not improving your manhood, I mean).

And with that, I'm off to the Post Office to mail some packages - and pick up this month's supply of manhood improver. I may be gone a long (heh heh) time.

1 comment:

  1. Yep, math is the shit. However, I don't think there's a branch of mathematics that will enlarge my throbbing manhood an inch in two months. Unless it involves quantum mechanics and alternate universes. But that certainly doesn't stop the spammers from sending me the offers.

    Robert Sawyer, anyone?


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